Sweeetie Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I have been friends with this guy for about 4 months, we are in the same friend circle and as a group of about 6 we hang out a lot and had a lot of fun altogether this summer. About 2 weeks ago this guy and I started dating. We've been going out on nice dates and also having nice nights in. I am a little concerned because he's not bothered about telling our mutual friends that we are together. The only person who knows is his housemate who's also part of our group, this was more for necessity since he'd have to explain why I spend the night. If his friends and my friends were 2 different groups I wouldn't mind so much but we have a lot of the same friends, so when we now meet up as a group we have to pretend that there's nothing between us in front of the others. Last night I brought up the subject when we were cuddling in bed together. I asked him if his best friend (also a close friend of mine) knows, he said "She hasn't the faintest idea." I asked when he's thinking of telling her and he just replied with an indifferent "I dunno". We continued talking about it and then he said "You can tell her if you want." I asked him why he doesn't want people to know and he said that it's "exciting" to be secretive about it. I can tell that this guy likes me very much, I've had boyfriends before and no man in the past has been as into me as he. But I can't help feeling a little bothered by this, as if he's keeping his options open. Something he said today increased my concern about this; he and I went to a small get-together at a student residence house a few days ago with our mutual friends and I made friends with a very nice Italian girl there who he didn't meet (he had to leave the party early and she came late). I told him about her and he was really interested after finding out she's Italian (in the past he's said he finds Spanish girls hot and Italians as we know look very similar). He asked me what she looked like, he was confused as to why he didn't meet her, he asked if she lives in the same student residence as the friend whose party we went to. She and I had planned to go and see a musical together and he was like "Can I come?". I pretended not to be bothered by his interest in her. It is still early days in this "relationship" if that's what it is, so I'm giving the benefit of the doubt however I found it a little disconcerting to hear him talk like this today since it was the morning after the first night we slept together. Is there anything I can do which'll make him feel like telling people I'm his girl?
Emilia Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 He might think it's too early, 2 weeks is nothing. I'm seeing someone in secret too at the moment and we both get a kick out of the naughtiness of it. See how he is around other girls, you will soon have your answer. Maybe you should invite him to join you with the italian girl. I would.
Author Sweeetie Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 (edited) See how he is around other girls, you will soon have your answer. Maybe you should invite him to join you with the italian girl. I would. He is a big flirt by nature and I know I'll feel a bit uncomfortable if he comes along, but you're right it will be a way of seeing for real where I stand. I can decide what to do after that outing. I'm feeling quite awkward at the fact that he expressed interest in someone else just the morning after the first time we slept together :-/ Sex is a big, personal thing for me and if I knew he'd be like this I'd never have spent the night. I'm thinking of jokingly texting him going "hey about that musical, managed to find some good seats you still wanna come? And thought you might like to know that the girl is indeed single ;)" Bad idea right? Edited September 23, 2013 by Sweeetie
snowflakes88 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 From what you posted, it doesn't sound like you guys are in a relationship or that you are his "girl." Sounds like you have been hanging out and hooking up for a couple of weeks. I agree that unless you guys are legit dating/together, there isn't much to tell. I wouldn't go announce to my friends that I was hooking up with you either... I don't mean that in an offensive way at all -- I'm just saying, what is that to announce? If you haven't had any conversations about exclusivity, I would assume he is keeping his options open and keep yours open as well. I would NOT send the text about the other girl, as it reads very passive-aggressive. In the future, you should clarify things like exclusivity and intentions before hopping into bed.
Author Sweeetie Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 From what you posted, it doesn't sound like you guys are in a relationship or that you are his "girl." Sounds like you have been hanging out and hooking up for a couple of weeks. I agree that unless you guys are legit dating/together, there isn't much to tell. I wouldn't go announce to my friends that I was hooking up with you either... I don't mean that in an offensive way at all -- I'm just saying, what is that to announce? If you haven't had any conversations about exclusivity, I would assume he is keeping his options open and keep yours open as well. I would NOT send the text about the other girl, as it reads very passive-aggressive. In the future, you should clarify things like exclusivity and intentions before hopping into bed. No that's the thing; it is not all about sex. I've been played before by a guy and this is very different. In 2 weeks we have only made out 3 times, the majority of our meetups have been nice dinners, walks by the river, picnics in the park etc. He is also from a culture where 'casual sex' is not the normal intention when a guy pursues a girl. That is why I am so confused.
snowflakes88 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 My opinion is not changed by his cultural norms or the fact that you went to a park or to dinner. Whether you are exclusive or not is something you talk about. You seem to be just assuming that he is your boyfriend, that you are his girl, that you two are together, that this is a relationship, etc. -- even though it's only been a couple of weeks and you haven't had that talk with him. If you're comfortable enough to have sex with him, you should be comfortable enough to clarify where you stand.
snowflakes88 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 dating and being together are not the same thing in the dating world right? so which one is it? Nope, and that's my point. I've gone on plenty of nice dates with men who were not interested in being in committed relationships. It's not at all uncommon for a man who isn't interested in being your boyfriend to still take you out for a bite to eat, to a movie, etc. -- especially if he's getting easy sex out of the deal. Assuming you are in a relationship with someone just because you have gone out and slept together can backfire in a big way.
Author Sweeetie Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 You are both right in that I need to talk to him to clear up any confusion. But I doubt I have anything to worry about. He is not the type to do casual things with anyone and we were good friends for a good few months before dating.
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