Should I tell her I plan to try to start dating?

[Babolat]

Babolat,

 

True love means you love the person with all his or her flaws. Human beings aren't perfect and we have flaws. Question is, how much of the flaws are you willing to accept from her. Keep note that she loves you dearly, so much so that she's willing to have sex with you despite the fact that you guys aren't officially together. So therefore one question pops up. Are you that perfectly flawless human being? If not, then who is accepting more of the flaws? Her or you? Seeing what it is, she seemed to accept more of your flaws than you of her, because sleeping together was her choice and that you are just taking advantage of the offer of free sex with NO COMMITMENT. You do know that a lot of women on this board hate men having casual sex with no sign of commitment. So isn't that one of the big flaws you had demonstrated here on her!?!

 

If things do not work out, it's called being incompatible. If you don't like her quirks and yet she accepted yours, being together and being married will require EVEN MORE changes on her part. She will feel constricted, controlled and manipulated. You were married once before? Perhaps you did this to your ex-wife the same way you did your current ex subconsciously?

 

Sometimes, what we do action wise is very subconscious. We see what our father does to the wife and then we mimick very graciously like a obedient monkey unknowingly doing things that are self-centered and selfish.

 

 

So now, we go to your lady friend. You are a ladies man and perhaps one the main reasons why your current friend is hesitant to officially date you. You have a history with women and that she has a history with men. She felt that in order not to jeopardize the fantastic relationship she has with you, she won't date you. Why date when she has a good thing going.

Another thing that bothers me is when she mentioned that you are a ladies man. Usually if a woman is really into you, she rarely with mention anything ex, you being a player etc and that is because, she does not want to be portrayed as someone judging you or even nagging you. It is a major turn-off and a lady who really like you will keep her opinion to herself first until she gets to know you a lot better and a lot deeper when she's officially dating you. Otherwise, if you're not officially dating and she's telling you this, this means that she is treating you as all her buddy friends.

 

My opinion is to spend time with her if you don't have anyone else to date. Having her in a restaurant is also leverage for you on the other girls you plan to date. Have you heard pussy cat competes? I use female friends of mine to get myself dates, because one it makes you all that desirable like your current to you and 2nd, that other men think you're good with women. And what's wrong with that picture?

 

Lastly, if she keeps treating you like a friend and sending you mixed signals, call on her bluff and ask her if she wants to date you. If she does, great, if not, take it like a man and treat her still like a good friend. But now you know it's not going to be ending up as relationship material and so, you can spend more time knowing other girls.

 

Time is too precious for you to be wasting on. You're not getting younger, so you don't want to be led on by women who's just friendzoning you and giving you false signals either.

 

You have a lot of great point here, and I do not disagrew with any of them.

 

Regarding the ex, well, I tried hard to change, adapt and accept. In the end we were not compatible. Regarding the ex sex, I did not take advantage of her or have casual sex with her. It usually started with "I want to talk" from her, she would show up at my house, we'd talk, she would get flirty with me, I would pull back, even tell her No, it continued, and emotions and yes desire got the better of me. She would show up wearing a low cut top, looking all sexy, and would rub and play with me. The last few times she wanted to talk at my house I said No and met her at a public place. Ironically, after that she agreed to NC. So, I truly think she was interested in the sex a lot more than I was, yet I also know she was spending time with me bacause she wanted to, to tell me about her changes, to test the waters. And while we dated and even after, I never asked her to change, at all.

 

I also think, to a degree, her inability to talk, to be more sexual and want sex when she came over, was immature. Sometimes with her it was like dating a 5 year old child, a 13 year old teen, a 22 year old party college kid and sometimes I saw a mature 43 year old woman. I loved the 43 year old woman.

 

Regarding my current lady friend, she made the player comment when we first started hanging out, 6+ months ago. She has never judged me, or nagged me. Quite the opposite, over time, as she has gotten to know me, she regularly compliments me and tells me how different I am from other men. And I will not call her bluff, that feels passive aggressive to me. If I decide to act, I will man up and share with her what I am feeling, versus putting her in a position to tell me how she feels.

 

I think she does like me. I think I am not her "normal" guy. I think, like me, she is re-evaluating her normal attraction, who she is attracted to, and realizing those relationships did not work. We have talked about this a lot. She is not my normal girl, yet I am finding myself more and more attracted to her. By "normal" I mean the train wrecks I end up with because of all the psychological childhood stuff I work thru, and who attracts me because of this. Hope that makes sense.

 

Here is my struggle. I am chatting with women online. Some want to meet me and have tossed some dates and times out. I find myself thinking, maybe, but I would rather spend time with my friend then and leave the night/day open. A strange feeling. yet another side of me says "go on a date, have fun, see what happens". Stop spending so much time with her. You are not making yourself available to get interested in someone else.

[Babolat]

I think you should rename the thread to:

 

"Good news! I thought of an excuse to call up my ex and no one can blame me. Oh crap its a really shetty excuse though."

 

Understood, but I don't want to contact her..I have no desire to. And, I am concernd if I did contact her to tell her about this post, it would start something up with her..and I do not want that.

[Divasu]

I think you should rename the thread to:

 

"Good news! I thought of an excuse to call up my ex and no one can blame me. Oh crap its a really shetty excuse though."

 

No, a better thread title would be "Help! I'm In Denial".

It's good he's trying to work through it though.

[Babolat]

No, a better thread title would be "Help! I'm In Denial".

It's good he's trying to work through it though.

 

Understood, again. I don't feel like I am in denial. Yes, it's been difficult moving on from the ex, very. And I was the dumper. She affected me, greatly. Based on all the talks we had, I thought, just thought, it might be respectful to let her know where my head is with dating. She told me a couple of months ago she was going on a date; it did not bother me at all. So, I thought I would do the same. But, NC IS NC and I agree it's not a good idea.

 

My lady friend talks a lot about an ex that I can tell affected her. They still share a dog together and even bike together occasionally. I know she is over him, yet I can tell he meant a lot to her. I am Ok with that. And, it's probably how I will always feel about my ex gf.

 

I cannot explain why, something about her, me, us, was something I never felt before. And I truly think I could sit idle for another year, not date, hang out with other woman, and be where I am now. And where I am now, strangely, feels OK.

 

So, I think dating will help me.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I totally get where you are coming from. I've had a relationship end amicably due to unresolved differences and it was really hard. It's like you are always wondering if those differences really weren't resolvable because the love was/ is still there.

 

Also when I went through that it was like I wanted to maintain a level of respect for the other person because being respectful and being a good person made me feel better about moving on.

 

If she still calls you every couple of days you could let her know. Doing so will probably hurt you in a way though. But I don't think you owe her that and I don't think it's a good idea.

 

 

Yes, she IS still on my mind, and probably always will be, as it's a first for me, a relationship that ended amicably, for differences we could not resolve. So yeah, I think it's normal to think about that.

 

I feel like I have moved on, so, I am wondering what's the next step to really move on. Date? Allow myself to be with and feel another woman? That kind of goes against the whole "work on yourself before you date again" theory, right? I could not date for another 6 months, then what?

 

And I already know the answer to my question..I am simply opinion shopping I guess...seeing if others have been here before.

 

I honestly feel like I just need to allow myself to be with another woman, whatever that means..but my logical side kicks in and says "take more time to work on you". At 47 I am not getting any younger!

[Bigcitydreamer]

Sorry just saw you have been NC for a month, so I probably wouldn't tell her. Even if you had some sort of a deal to work on yourselves and get better. Although I know that's insanely hard but the right thing isn't always the easy thing.

[Babolat]

Sorry just saw you have been NC for a month, so I probably wouldn't tell her. Even if you had some sort of a deal to work on yourselves and get better. Although I know that's insanely hard but the right thing isn't always the easy thing.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

There were no deals, other than she wants more time to be alone, to work on herself, see where she is right now, which I agree with 100%. She has been saying this for 6 months though she kept contacting me, coming over, and yeah, I was weak.

 

I suggested, did not enforce, NC many times. She kept saying that would be too painful, I am her best friend, etc. We met at a park to talk 4+ weeks ago, and to my surprise she finally said "I think NC is a good idea as I am being selfish and I need to figure out who I am and what I want".

 

I agreed, we hugged, texted a bit that night, then NC started. She sent me a one line "thinking of you" text last week and a brief email too the week prior, saying the same things she has always said, "need to work on myself but I miss you and want you in my life".

 

I sometimes wish we had a bad argument or there was a "it's over" "thing". The amicable part is new to me..and it's tough.

[Babolat]

Well, she has done it again. She texted me yesterday afternoon to state she left something at my house for me. I did not reply.

 

When I got home I saw it was a CD for the book "The Five Attachments". She left a handwritten note stating she recently saw the author speak, his message spoke to her, and she wanted me to hear it, that she felt like she was there for a reason.

 

She later texted me to ask me to text her back confirming I got it, which I did after much reservation..just a "Got it, thank you". She replied stating "Thank you for letting me know. I hope it speaks to you like it spoke to me".

 

Ugh...why is she doing this?

 

I actually have an OLD date tonight. She contacted me first, which was a surprise as she is a hotty. She texted me this morning to tell me she was free tonight, and asked if we could meet. We have literally echanged one email on the OLD site, and that was a Hi, you look like a cool dude, here is my #! I figured what the heck, go for it! She is a hawty, not much in her profile so I don't really know anything about her other than her name and she looks great, so we shall see. Not my usual style to meet this quick, but even I need to step outside my box every now and then!

Edited September 26, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Well, I took a pretty big step, for me at least, this weekend. One of my female friends, not the 45 year old one, and I went out Friday night. After a couple of drinks she pretty much told me she does not want to date me, just have fun, and sex. She said she's been thinking about if for a while, wasn't sure if she could do it. I shared the same. Back to my house, 3 hours later she went home.....fill in the blanks.

 

She texted me the next night asking if she could come over, of course, 4 hours later she went home.

 

This is very new to me as I have never had sex with a woman outside of a relationship; and it's the first woman I have been with since my ex gf, and emotionally it was a challenge. In a very strange way though I think I needed this as I feel a lot better today. The ex gf texted me last night from 6PM to 10PM and I did not reply. I think the texting increased as I did not reply. And, I have no plans to reply.

 

Not sure where the friend thing is going to go. I like her, I don't want to get into a serious relationship right now, which feels strange to say, but it also feels good to say as i am listening to myself for the first time in a long time.