Should I tell her I plan to try to start dating?

[Babolat]

Kind of a strange post, I know the easy answer is "No".

 

For those that know my history, it's been 4+ weeks of NC with the ex I broke up with 6 months ago. There were many ex sex visits after the break up 6 month ago (all initiated by her), lots of "can we make this work" talks too. She is doing a lot of work on herself and assumed I was "waiting for her". She was regularly telling me about how she was changing, for her, mostly the things that bothered me while we dated.

 

I have not been able to date. I have been on OLD sites looking, chatting now, just not sure I can do it. I go out with my friends, see attractive woman I find myself checking out, yet I just can't talk to them. And, if I did, I am not sure I could do anythign more. I see woman checking me out and think Hmmmm....

 

I have been spendiong a lot of time with a good female friend, who over the past 4-5 months has probably become one of my best friends. I am sure she has filled an emotional void for me. We do couples things together, yet we are not dating.

 

However, the desire is slowy coming back, and I do feel like I need to test the market if you will, put myself out there.

 

I feel like I should share this with her, like I need to be honest with her, out of respect for the past 6 months, the back and forth, her desire to change and reconsile in the future. Yet at the same time, I don't. She could be dating, hooking up, I have no idea, and I feel like it's what she should be doing.

 

A few weekends ago I bumpned into two of her good friends. I was with a woman, we are not dating, yet I felt odd for a second, than I was like "who cares", introduced my friend, and we spent a lot of time talking to them. They later Facebooked me, which I thought was cool.

 

I feel like if I was on a date, and saw her, it would be wrong having not shared with her that I am dating now. Again, it's not out of fear, still wanting her, or any of that. It's mostly because of the past 3-4 months of us going back and forth. We have been 4 weeks NC and I feel like going on a date will really help me take the next step.

 

So, would it be the right thing to let her know where I am at this point, that I may start dating?

[almond]

I don't think it really matters either way. The issue here is that you feel that you are ready to start dating and moving forward, yet your ex is still playing a huge part in your mind.

 

You need to move on. Until you've accomplished this, the rest doesn't really matter that much to be honest. You're still hung up on her in one way or another...the rest is trivial.

 

You are NC, and have been broken up for six months. The fact that you are even asking this question is telling.

[Babolat]

I don't think it really matters either way. The issue here is that you feel that you are ready to start dating and moving forward, yet your ex is still playing a huge part in your mind.

 

You need to move on. Until you've accomplished this, the rest doesn't really matter that much to be honest. You're still hung up on her in one way or another...the rest is trivial.

 

You are NC, and have been broken up for six months. The fact that you are even asking this question is telling.

 

Yes, she IS still on my mind, and probably always will be, as it's a first for me, a relationship that ended amicably, for differences we could not resolve. So yeah, I think it's normal to think about that.

 

I feel like I have moved on, so, I am wondering what's the next step to really move on. Date? Allow myself to be with and feel another woman? That kind of goes against the whole "work on yourself before you date again" theory, right? I could not date for another 6 months, then what?

 

And I already know the answer to my question..I am simply opinion shopping I guess...seeing if others have been here before.

 

I honestly feel like I just need to allow myself to be with another woman, whatever that means..but my logical side kicks in and says "take more time to work on you". At 47 I am not getting any younger!

[RedRobin]

If it makes you feel better, Babs, I'm a bit in the same boat as you...

 

Remember Mr. Ryan Gosling Look alike?? the one I dated for close to two months and was very close to jumping into a relationship with?? (for readers not familiar with my style, please note that I don't have sex outside of a verifiable, exclusive, monogamous relationship).

 

We've been NC for going on 3 months... I saw him at a road race last Friday. I was bound to eventually since we are in the same running club. He made a point of waiting for me after the race and we chatted for a bit.

 

Asked me if I wanted to go bike riding with him. I said I would, but I don't really think I can now that I think about it more. Even in that moment of talking with him, my mind started drifting to all of the coulda, shoulda, woulda beens that I went over in my mind a million times before.

 

... and I keep coming back to the fact that our values aren't consistent and that I'm vulnerable right now (physically) because I haven't found anyone yet.

 

I'm meeting other people to do things as friends... but part of the reason I do things this way (if they are men) is so that they can see my life outside of a romantic context and vice versa... which most of the time is the most authentic. The kayaking guy seems really nice so far. He hasn't tried to push me (unlike the others), he's been very respectful. I like him. He's a person I want to get to know better... and HE wants to go bike riding too. So priority goes to him.... even though we aren't dating or romantic.

 

So, yea, it can be hard to get rid of the reels that play in our heads about how things 'could be' if they just did this or that. Thing is... we know what the answer is... you know you aren't compatible with her. I know I'm not compatible with Mr. Ryan.

 

Priority in your case should go to those you plan to meet and know in the future. Having a muddy arrangement with the ex just creates confusion for everyone.

 

Best to just stay NC.

[carhill]

Should I tell her I plan to try to start dating?

 

If this is your ex, *no*.

[Els]

I think the answer is still "No"...

[Lansing]

I'm meeting other people to do things as friends... but part of the reason I do things this way (if they are men) is so that they can see my life outside of a romantic context and vice versa... which most of the time is the most authentic. The kayaking guy seems really nice so far. He hasn't tried to push me (unlike the others), he's been very respectful. I like him. He's a person I want to get to know better... and HE wants to go bike riding too. So priority goes to him.... even though we aren't dating or romantic.

 

 

Not to g o off topic, but I am kind of curious to hear more about this... I have been hanging out with a girl recently and it was all under the context of checking out events/activities/etc but not really "dates" (never asked her out on a formal date and at this point it is past the point of making it weird). Just curious about what the kayaking guy could do to move things in the direction of a relationship with you? Like, you are attracted to him so I guess you wouldn't put him in the "Friendzone" even if you are doing friendly things... Like, you see potential down the road but you want to keep getting to know him without the physical aspects clouding things? I feel like the more I hang out with this girl the more I like her and the more I find out about positive qualities vs. normally I start finding stuff that I know that I wouldn't be able to live with in terms of a long term relationship.

 

and to OP.. the answer is "no" indeed!

[Standard-Fare]

To the OP -- no, don't tell her.

 

I know you feel like telling her would be for her benefit/would avoid some pain and awkwardness, but I also question if it would come across as rubbing her face in it.

 

You two are broken up, you've been out of contact for the last month, and it sounds like you haven't made any real steps toward a clear-cut "reconciliation." You've just had a couple of confusing spells of post-breakup sex.

 

Unless you two were firmly like "OK, we need to give this another shot and commit to it," you have every right to start dating without her knowledge. And as you said, you also don't know what she's been up to either.

[Babolat]

If it makes you feel better, Babs, I'm a bit in the same boat as you...

 

Remember Mr. Ryan Gosling Look alike?? the one I dated for close to two months and was very close to jumping into a relationship with?? (for readers not familiar with my style, please note that I don't have sex outside of a verifiable, exclusive, monogamous relationship).

 

We've been NC for going on 3 months... I saw him at a road race last Friday. I was bound to eventually since we are in the same running club. He made a point of waiting for me after the race and we chatted for a bit.

 

Asked me if I wanted to go bike riding with him. I said I would, but I don't really think I can now that I think about it more. Even in that moment of talking with him, my mind started drifting to all of the coulda, shoulda, woulda beens that I went over in my mind a million times before.

 

... and I keep coming back to the fact that our values aren't consistent and that I'm vulnerable right now (physically) because I haven't found anyone yet.

 

I'm meeting other people to do things as friends... but part of the reason I do things this way (if they are men) is so that they can see my life outside of a romantic context and vice versa... which most of the time is the most authentic. The kayaking guy seems really nice so far. He hasn't tried to push me (unlike the others), he's been very respectful. I like him. He's a person I want to get to know better... and HE wants to go bike riding too. So priority goes to him.... even though we aren't dating or romantic.

 

So, yea, it can be hard to get rid of the reels that play in our heads about how things 'could be' if they just did this or that. Thing is... we know what the answer is... you know you aren't compatible with her. I know I'm not compatible with Mr. Ryan.

 

Priority in your case should go to those you plan to meet and know in the future. Having a muddy arrangement with the ex just creates confusion for everyone.

 

Best to just stay NC.

 

Wow, thank you! And I never read your story about Mr. Ryan Gosling Look alike.

 

Seems we have more in common, than we think, eh?

 

I think I am doing the same as you, spending time with women in a non romantic way so they can get to know who I am, and I can get to know who they are. I am VERY vulnerable right n ow though physically, I feel it. Maybe that is my attraction to the 29 year old. I know I don't want to date her..but she has hinted at sex...

 

The female friend I reference a lot here, she is 45, we spend a lot of time together..and, I have to admit, I am starting to look at her a little differently. For example, this weekend I was looking at her hands and wrists thinking how sexy they are (strange huh), and that I want to hold her hand. She wore gasses to dinner Saturday night, first time I have seen her in glasses, and I thought about that sexy let her hair down librarian thing I like. Friday night she came to my house striaght from work. She looked amazing in her work dress..and yeah, I was checking her out, especially her, well cleavage! Lets just say that dress fit her well!

 

We met up with a male friend of hers later and him and I ended up talking 1:1. He is crazy about her, flirts with her, etc. I asked her later about him, she said she does not find him attractive, just a friend, she is ok with the flirting as she has told him she is not interested. I said "not as attractive as me huh" looking for a reaction. She said, "Yeah, you are different". She is looking at OLD ads, makes reference to guys hitting on her, etc. I feel like I should "do something" with her, maybe sit down and tell her how I am starting to see her differently.

 

Honestly, I really like her, a lot, as a person, as a freind, and the physical attraction is getting stong for me. She has a lot of the qualites my ex gf had, that I was attracted to, without the bad.

 

I find myself looking at OLD ads thinking "meh, this could work, but why invest the time".

 

And yes, I will stay NC with the ex

[StanMusial]

Is this the 40-something lady that parties like a teenager? Is this a serious question?

[Babolat]

Not to g o off topic, but I am kind of curious to hear more about this... I have been hanging out with a girl recently and it was all under the context of checking out events/activities/etc but not really "dates" (never asked her out on a formal date and at this point it is past the point of making it weird). Just curious about what the kayaking guy could do to move things in the direction of a relationship with you? Like, you are attracted to him so I guess you wouldn't put him in the "Friendzone" even if you are doing friendly things... Like, you see potential down the road but you want to keep getting to know him without the physical aspects clouding things? I feel like the more I hang out with this girl the more I like her and the more I find out about positive qualities vs. normally I start finding stuff that I know that I wouldn't be able to live with in terms of a long term relationship.

 

and to OP.. the answer is "no" indeed!

 

I am here too. It's been 7+ months for me with the female friend. And, I would be OK with her dating someone or if we never took a next step. I am very curious though and I am not quite sure how to express that, or show it.

 

She tells me I am attractive, I am a catch, what she likes about me, and I do not say the same to her, as it feels awkward in a weird kind of way. Saturday we went mountain biking with one of my best friends, who is gay, and very good looking. She took a photo of us and said, jokingly, "I should post this on my FB page, "a great morning biking with two hot studs". What does that mean? Even he tells me how cool she is, why are we not dating.

 

All of our mutual friends, and friends I have introduced her to say "Why are you guys not dating?". "You are perfect for each other".

 

I just don't know how to take the nest step...I am concerned about losing what's become a wonderful friendship.

[Babolat]

Is this the 40-something lady that parties like a teenager? Is this a serious question?

 

Yes, and she has slowed waaaaay down (so she was telling me)..yet, for me, too many bad memories, and I think at her core, our values are just too different.

[carhill]

If currently active, you should IMO stop having sex with your ex if you plan to try to start dating. IMO, that's disrespectful to your potential dating partners. Other than that, the ex can remain undisclosed as to your life plans/actions.

 

OTOH, congrats that you would find a female whom you've been in contact for seven months and who is demonstrably single. Haven't seen one of those around these parts in decades. Good luck.

[Divasu]

You've been "no contact" for a few days, not 4 weeks.

 

And, no. What logical reason could there possibly be.

None.

[Babolat]

If currently active, you should IMO stop having sex with your ex if you plan to try to start dating. IMO, that's disrespectful to your potential dating partners. Other than that, the ex can remain undisclosed as to your life plans/actions.

 

OTOH, congrats that you would find a female whom you've been in contact for seven months and who is demonstrably single. Haven't seen one of those around these parts in decades. Good luck.

 

No sex for a long while, no physical contact for over 4 weeks. She texted me last week to say have fun at a concert. That's it.

[Babolat]

You've been "no contact" for a few days, not 4 weeks.

 

And, no. What logical reason could there possibly be.

None.

 

I hear you, though for me it has been NC for 4+ weeks, though not to the offical NC guide. An email and quick text from her, though contact, I understand that, did not mean anything to me. I had no desire to reply and it felt like breadcrumbs to me....

 

Ruby Slippers said it well in a PM to me "she needs me for something right now..." and I am not going to give her that.

[Lansing]

OK, about your friend.... I say you start complimenting a bit more. When she does something nice or some aspect about her personality you like then tell her ...

 

I had a girl that I was friends with for a while, we were getting really close, hung out every weekend almost, etc. She would cook dinner for me, I enjoyed her company but the more I got to know her the more I realized that we wouldn't be suited for a long term relationship even though I "liked" her. So, SHE ended up confessing her feelings for me and it took me off guard because part of the reason I didnt feel like I wanted to date her was I felt like she was purposely trying to push me away/be a bitch. Like, she would be rude and talk on her cell phone in my presence, she stating becoming a bit flakey too, etc. But, I guess it was all her way of dealing with her feelings for me. I told her I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible and now are friendship has pretty much disappeared but not because of me (I kept on making effort).

 

My two experiences with converting a friend to a "gf".

 

First, just spent more and more time together and I just told her at the end of the night "look ,I need to get this off my chest" and I told her I found myself drawn to her more and more/etc. She said she felt the same way and we started dating (although, I was kind of dumb/young.. I didn't even kiss her right then and there... ha).

 

2nd girl. She was spending more and more time with me and a few times at my place. We got cuddly on the sofa and it became a regular thing but never talked about dating or feelings... One night, she was sleeping on my sofa and I offered her to share my bed.. ha.. I don't even know how it came up but she was like "sure" and didn't even blink an eye! She was really close to my side and her face was close to mine... At that point, it was pretty clear

[Babolat]

OTOH, congrats that you would find a female whom you've been in contact for seven months and who is demonstrably single. Haven't seen one of those around these parts in decades. Good luck.

 

She is, and she has a history of going from one relationship to the next. She recognized that and consciously took a break, we met about a month after she decided to take a break from dating. When I say "met", I knew her from other friends, she actually dated one of my buds for a year, I just never spent anytime with her until 7+ months ago. We actually n ever really even talked until 7+ months ago when she invited me to go mountain biking with her.

 

She thought I was a player back then, said that was the word on the street. It's because, over the course of 2 years post divorce I showed up to 3 parties she was at, with a different woman. I was dating each...somehow that turned into me being a player. As she puts it now "you are definitely NOT a player".

 

She recently told me she thought she would be dating by now, that maybe she will take another 3 months off. She is already making Halloween plans for us.

 

I can't tell if she is sending me signals or not..my radar is not good on this one. Like "Hey, I am telling you I like you, I am available, men are showing interest in me, I am saying now...do something...".

 

She was at my house Friday night prior to us heading out to meet up with friends, and man, man, I just wanted to grab her and kiss her..it was a very strong draw to her.

[Babolat]

OK, about your friend.... I say you start complimenting a bit more. When she does something nice or some aspect about her personality you like then tell her .../QUOTE]

 

I did just that this weekend. I told her one of the things I like about her is how generous she is.

 

We were talking about photos too, she said she does not think she is photogenic, that she does not like her smile, goes back to her childhood. Her mom telling her she had bad teeth, not a great smile, that she needed to work on it, work on being and looking beautiful. She said her mom was gorgeous, beautiful and she knows her mom was only trying to help her.

 

I told her I thought she has a great smile and that she should smile more, and that she was photogenic. She smiled and said "Really?".

 

Saturday too, I mentioned how her wearing glasses reminded me of the sexy librarian look, and how I liked that. My gay friend was with us and told her how beautiful and sexy she looked. I can't say that yet! She was very humble and just said "Thank you" to him...which I liked.

[Lansing]

BTW, in that situation 1 above.. my friends always thought that we were "dating" or that there was something going on with us....

 

I think she is giving you hints... I think you should explore the idea for sure otherwise you might regret it if she does meet someone else... Things can't stay the way they are... She will eventually date someone and you won't have as close a "friendship" so don't worry too much about losing the friendship.

[Babolat]

I told my ex I was going to start dating and VOILA...he came back.

 

just saying...

 

Understood, but I don't want her back, I was the dumper, for a reason.

[Divasu]

I hear you, though for me it has been NC for 4+ weeks, though not to the offical NC guide. An email and quick text from her, though contact, I understand that, did not mean anything to me. I had no desire to reply and it felt like breadcrumbs to me....

 

Ruby Slippers said it well in a PM to me "she needs me for something right now..." and I am not going to give her that.

 

just trying to keep you from being delusional or dishonest with yourself. You have created a lot of threads on here very recently about your ex and have had sex with her not too long ago so things are still fairly recent. Now you want to contact her about how you're starting to date again, which combined with the facts I just laid out, indicates that you are still struggling to get over this relationship. Which is fine because everyone has their own timeline, but, you need to be honest with yourself and the people you date otherwise it is going to cause problems in the long run.

[happydate]

Babolat,

 

True love means you love the person with all his or her flaws. Human beings aren't perfect and we have flaws. Question is, how much of the flaws are you willing to accept from her. Keep note that she loves you dearly, so much so that she's willing to have sex with you despite the fact that you guys aren't officially together. So therefore one question pops up. Are you that perfectly flawless human being? If not, then who is accepting more of the flaws? Her or you? Seeing what it is, she seemed to accept more of your flaws than you of her, because sleeping together was her choice and that you are just taking advantage of the offer of free sex with NO COMMITMENT. You do know that a lot of women on this board hate men having casual sex with no sign of commitment. So isn't that one of the big flaws you had demonstrated here on her!?!

 

If things do not work out, it's called being incompatible. If you don't like her quirks and yet she accepted yours, being together and being married will require EVEN MORE changes on her part. She will feel constricted, controlled and manipulated. You were married once before? Perhaps you did this to your ex-wife the same way you did your current ex subconsciously?

 

Sometimes, what we do action wise is very subconscious. We see what our father does to the wife and then we mimick very graciously like a obedient monkey unknowingly doing things that are self-centered and selfish.

 

 

So now, we go to your lady friend. You are a ladies man and perhaps one the main reasons why your current friend is hesitant to officially date you. You have a history with women and that she has a history with men. She felt that in order not to jeopardize the fantastic relationship she has with you, she won't date you. Why date when she has a good thing going.

Another thing that bothers me is when she mentioned that you are a ladies man. Usually if a woman is really into you, she rarely with mention anything ex, you being a player etc and that is because, she does not want to be portrayed as someone judging you or even nagging you. It is a major turn-off and a lady who really like you will keep her opinion to herself first until she gets to know you a lot better and a lot deeper when she's officially dating you. Otherwise, if you're not officially dating and she's telling you this, this means that she is treating you as all her buddy friends.

 

My opinion is to spend time with her if you don't have anyone else to date. Having her in a restaurant is also leverage for you on the other girls you plan to date. Have you heard pussy cat competes? I use female friends of mine to get myself dates, because one it makes you all that desirable like your current to you and 2nd, that other men think you're good with women. And what's wrong with that picture?

 

Lastly, if she keeps treating you like a friend and sending you mixed signals, call on her bluff and ask her if she wants to date you. If she does, great, if not, take it like a man and treat her still like a good friend. But now you know it's not going to be ending up as relationship material and so, you can spend more time knowing other girls.

 

Time is too precious for you to be wasting on. You're not getting younger, so you don't want to be led on by women who's just friendzoning you and giving you false signals either.

Edited September 23, 2013 by happydate

[Babolat]

just trying to keep you from being delusional or dishonest with yourself. You have created a lot of threads on here very recently about your ex and have had sex with her not too long ago so things are still fairly recent. Now you want to contact her about how you're starting to date again, which combined with the facts I just laid out, indicates that you are still struggling to get over this relationship. Which is fine because everyone has their own timeline, but, you need to be honest with yourself and the people you date otherwise it is going to cause problems in the long run.

 

Understood, and agreed.

[StanMusial]

just trying to keep you from being delusional or dishonest with yourself. You have created a lot of threads on here very recently about your ex and have had sex with her not too long ago so things are still fairly recent. Now you want to contact her about how you're starting to date again, which combined with the facts I just laid out, indicates that you are still struggling to get over this relationship. Which is fine because everyone has their own timeline, but, you need to be honest with yourself and the people you date otherwise it is going to cause problems in the long run.

 

I think you should rename the thread to:

 

"Good news! I thought of an excuse to call up my ex and no one can blame me. Oh crap its a really shetty excuse though."