Am I being overly sensitive?

[kickstartmyheart0]

Hey there! I'm a 23 year old female (if that matters), and the guy I'm dating is older than me by quite a bit. He is not experienced with relationships. He's only had two other girlfriends besides me. He's never been married. This guy and I have only been together for a month and a half. So, background information for you, I guess.

 

Our first fight was caused by me being ten minutes late to meet him. I was late getting out of work, and he doesn't have a cell phone. Therefore, I had no way of letting him know. He was pissed. He ranted about how I was irresponsible, I should be able to get organized enough to make it places on time, and that he didn't want to have to "parent" or "worry" about me. This went on for the entire 4 hours we were together, with random remarks after the rant. He had also gotten irritated with me about how I couldn't find my birth control pills within the first 5 seconds of looking in my bag (I'm not joking). He makes me take it in front of him (which I find strange). Anyway, he had never acted that way before. I mean, he was cussing and everything. No yelling was involved, but I knew he was upset. It hurt my feelings quite a bit.

 

A couple of days later, he starts discussing how other girls looked good to him in public (and their various body parts) and how they would probably be stupid/bad girlfriends. He had said this type of thing a few times before, but I let it slide without saying anything (problem #1). I said something this time.

 

Then the next day after that, he proceeds to tell me that I need to read more. And that I need to start doing something creative and read poetry regularly (which I have never done, I read it once in awhile) and that we needed things to talk about. He is a published writer who reads poetry everyday. He expects me to start doing this so that we have things to talk about. This hurt my feelings a lot because we have had things to talk about, and I am quite the reader. We have discussed novels and authors before. I'm not even sure where he was going with it, but it was another rant about how I need to start thinking (He said: "I don't understand why this is so difficult for you to understand"). Then he said at the end of this rant that my frontal lobes aren't done developing. Not sure why that ended up in there, but it did. He also disclosed that I am unable to "keep up with him" and by me reading poetry and getting into a creative hobby, that I will be able to "keep up with him". I do like cake decorating, to me that is creative. I don't write.

 

I guess this upset me because of the annoyed tone in his voice; the way he condescendingly asked me why I couldn't understand him (I did.); and how he thinks we have had nothing to talk about, when we have.

 

He also won't go out and do things with me. If I mention something to do, like a museum, he says we will do it "this fall". To me that means he is stringing me along and doesn't actually want to go do it.

 

He refused to change his relationship status on Facebook. He still doesn't have it on there. I know that I shouldn't take that personally, but it does mean something. He wouldn't even add me at first!

 

He has also made comments about how I "probably forget to pay bills" or "don't know how to cook" without evidence. I do both successfully.

 

Am I being too sensitive? Please be honest with me. I am really upset about this whole mess. I was up all night trying to figure out how I could make this work, and why I've been making all these mistakes. He's not used to having a girlfriend, so I should probably cut him some slack. But I'm miserable. I want someone who likes me already and doesn't want to change me....and someone who actually wants to go do things with me.

[kickstartmyheart0]

Why are you with this guy?

 

He basically called you dumb

 

He's trying to change you

 

And he's hiding you

 

I mean come on...do you have low self esteem?

 

....a little.

[emva07]

no.

 

What is this? 1913?

 

He is super controlling and manipulative. He is totally trying to make you feel super crappy about yourself to hold complete power over you.

[Grumpybutfun]

kickstartmyheart:

Hi and welcome to LS. I am glad you wrote this because I would like to share with you one life lesson (in a non-condescending manner ) that I learned at 23. You are perfect just the way you are. You don't have to be like anyone else to be interesting or acceptable. You are an amazing person without attaching affectations of scholarly or creative merit to your repertoire.

 

In my humble opinion, and as a man, I think I have met your intellectually superior bf before about ten times in my life since I work in academia. He has only had two gf's before you because he is a bitter man who has been rejected and hurt by women so he likes to demean and devalue women in general just to make himself feel superior. He is trying to mold you, and he is trying to demean you with his constant criticizing. There is definitely a difference between wisdom and book-learning. There is nothing wrong with you, but there is something very wrong with his romantic approach.

 

I have been married for twenty years and I would not ever talk about women's attributes to my wife out of respect. She gets my attention...all of it. I also would never tell her what to read, write or how to be creative because she would kick me to the curb and find a man who appreciates the gifts she does have. I also would not date a woman younger than myself if I couldn't stop myself from making jabs at her, well, youthfulness.

 

As far as making comments about cooking or bill paying, that is just another form of criticism to show you that he, in his age and life experience, is superior to you and therefore...well, he ranted. Need I say more? Really? He criticized not only what you read, how you are creative and your frontal lobes not being developed () but also about your inability to think the way he wants you to think. He is saying you aren't developed and yet he is dating you. Logically he is a hot mess.

 

Being condescending is his way to control and change you into what his ideal is. Unfortunately for you, he has no idea what he wants and so he thinks if he can date a younger woman whom he can mold, he will get someone who goes along with his inanity without questioning it. Yet, here you are questioning it, so I guess he was wrong. You are bright and can think for yourself. Youth does not equal blind faith, thank goodness.

 

Your intuition is spot-on. He is a sod.

 

Best of luck,

Grumps

Edited September 23, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[pointfive]

No you're not being overly sensitive at all. If you like this guy then you're probably rationalizing to yourself as to why he's saying these things to you and acting in such a condescending matter and making it seem okay, when it's not.

 

As others have stated, he sounds very manipulative and controlling. You don't treat another person you care about this way. He's trying to morph you into something he wants and doesn't really seem to care about what you need or want.

 

To be honest, I would try to leave whatever it is you two have. If you have low self esteem, it will be better if you find someone who is more supportive and encouraging to help you develop confidence. It seems like this guy just wants to shut you down all the time... 10 minutes late and he rants for 4 hours? Really? Things happen sometimes... I mean yeah, sometimes the excuses are bad but it's not that big of a deal that someone's gotta be pissed off for 4 hours. He should get his priorities in check and maybe stop looking inward on himself so often.

[CC12]

do you have low self esteem?

 

....a little.

 

I don't think it's a coincidence that a controlling person picks someone with low self esteem as a partner. This works in his favor, because you (I'm guessing) don't have the confidence or self worth to demand better treatment. If you were feeling good about yourself, you would not be with him. Right?

 

You are absolutely not being too sensitive. He has anger and boundary issues, he outright insults you, is controlling, and he doesn't think you're good enough for him.

 

And I just want to make it really clear to you that it is ridiculous that he got so mad that you were 10 minutes late because of work, and it is insane that he makes you take your birth control pill in front of him. Everything else you described was pretty messed up as well. And don't make excuses for him. This behavior is not due to simply not having much relationship experience. There is something wrong with him, the way he sees himself, and how he treats others. It's not your job to fix it. You cannot fix it.

 

Be glad that this is all coming out within the first couple months of dating him. Abusers usually take longer to let their true selves come out and by then their partners are hooked. Please do not allow yourself to get any more attached to him. I promise you he is not going to get any better. Just get out now. You're an intelligent young woman. You can do better.

[Mascara]

Send him this

 

You say you love poetry so I wrote this for you

You're so easily annoyed by all that I do

Checking my pills is pathetic and mad

I'd never make someone have you as a dad

Have you ever told a girl how high, and she's jumped?

Thought not, me neither - so loser, you're dumped.

[CC12]

Send him this

 

You say you love poetry so I wrote this for you

You're so easily annoyed by all that I do

Checking my pills is pathetic and mad

I'd never make someone have you as a dad

Have you ever told a girl how high, and she's jumped?

Thought not, me neither - so loser, you're dumped.

 

Holy ****.

 

Glorious.

 

 

(I wouldn't actually send that, but jesus christ it would be so appropriate.)

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend is an a**hole.

 

Simple as that. Don't you wonder why he has so little relationship experience? That's because no sane woman with a shred of dignity would want him.

 

You can do much, much better. Leave his pompous, controlling, abusive ass. It will get worse, I promise you.

[kickstartmyheart0]

haha! I love the poem!

 

I dumped him today. I can't handle a controlling relationship. I've already been in two of them before (Yeah, I know...).

 

Thanks, everyone.

[GI_Joy]

haha! I love the poem!

 

I dumped him today. I can't handle a controlling relationship. I've already been in two of them before (Yeah, I know...).

 

Thanks, everyone.

 

Good for you. How did he take it? (probably like a baby, of course.)

 

I hope you find someone that you deserve/deserves you. There are sweet genuine people out there, Don't let douches like him spoil your future!

[kickstartmyheart0]

Good for you. How did he take it? (probably like a baby, of course.)

 

I hope you find someone that you deserve/deserves you. There are sweet genuine people out there, Don't let douches like him spoil your future!

 

Thank you!

 

He actually took it well. He said the age difference was showing itself. But in reality, it was the controlling/abusive crap. haha. I'm so happy to be out of that mess.