Hurts bad...really bad...help

[thien_to]

Hello and thanks in advance for any insight, information and advice. Here is a summary. My ex and I have a very long history together (about 12 years but were'n't dating the whole 12 years). We were supposed to be married this past July 3rd and lived together for the previous 4 years. A month before the wedding I let her know I cheated on her a year prior. This issue was gnawing at me and I felt I had to be completely honest with her before the wedding. I was getting anxiety attacks the closer the wedding date came. We went to therapy together and I said some extremely hurtful things to her in therapy. With hindsight I feel like a complete idiot for saying these things to her and I have tremendous guilt that I even had these thoughts. In therapy I said things like I think there is only 10 to 20 percent chance of being faithful. And other horrible stupid things. This was all a result of me being an UN-integrated person. Therapy has helped me change alot and I truly feel and can see the emotional growth and personal change. But I digress. In August she moved out but we still had contact and were going to therapy still. Things went slowly downhill so we reached a point where we tried no contact. This would last for a week or so before I broke down and called. Things continued and last month we tried a no contact rule again. By this time I had changed and grown enough to be able to respect her wishes and realize the best way to show her I love her is to respect and abide her wishes. She called me and we talked a bit and I even slept over. This was wonderful and there were no regrets on my part. I asked her and she said there were no regrets for her either. About a week after wards I noticed the conversations were getting more difficult, there started to be more anger from her although she says she is over the anger. She cut off contact and I respected her wishes again. This past weekend I called her for a signature because I had to. I felt bad about breaking her rule but thought it would be ok if I just stuck to business and minimized the contact. We started talking and she said she wanted to stop by our condo. I took this as a positive sign because before she would be very upset when she needed to stop by. She then let me know that the real reason she wanted to stop by is to pick up the rest of her things because she doesn't think there can be any reconciliation for our relationship. I was in shock on Sunday but on Monday it really sunk in. We have been separated for 6 months so I knew this might happen but you can never prepare yourself. I was devastated when she moved out but after 6 months I was feeling better about the situation. I still hurt that she was not there but I always had hope that given time, she could heal and I would continue to grow and be the man she deserved. The finality of everything is hitting very hard. She says she's looking at going back to school for her Masters in a different city next year. I just can't imagine myself without her. I always thought we would walk this path together. I know I have to let go but I can't. I really really try but I can't let go. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I'm so so sorry for all I've done to her.

[Dakini]

Dear Thien:

 

I was the woman in a similar situation. Though our problems did not stem from infidelity, they still seemed insurmountable. Like you, many opinions were voiced in therapy, including many hurtful ones. Therapy did help to en extent, but ultimately the relationship did not survive. My ex now sees that many of the problems stemmed from his inability to confront his own demons, and I suppose, like you was somewhat in denial. In any case, he realizes the error in his ways and wants to make amends for what he did and re-ignite the relationship.

 

However, for me, its too little too late. All my fuel is spent, and there is nothing left to ignite.

 

It may be this way for your ex. She may never be able to love you again, not the way she used to. It might be best let her go and to move on.

 

Good luck.

[thien_to]

Thanks Dakini...I think you hit the nail on the head. I know my last act of love for her is to let go and respect what she wants. For too long it has been what I want. It is so hard right now. Unfortunatly I know I can be the man she deserves. But like you said, there may be nothing left on her end. She still loves me and has said that but she also said that love is not enough. She wants this chapter in her life closed and to move on. Regarding future contact she says it is too early to tell. She is comming by the condo in a couple of weeks to grab the rest of her stuff. I always felt that since there were still some of her belongings left she would be back. I don't know what to do when she comes by. I look forward to it but at the same time dread it. What should I do? What should I say? How should I act? I want to throw my pride away and try to convince her to stay but that would be the selfish thing to do. If I seem like I'm fine, I'm worried she'd think I thought nothing of her and the relationship. I want to show her I love and respect her.

[thien_to]

How does one let go? Especially if you were the one that wronged her? I always imagined walking the road of life (I know this is cheesy but I actually always visualized it) with her. How do I accept that it must be walked now without her in my life?

[thien_to]

Well I broke down and called her on Saturday evening. She was just stepping out and said that we can talk next week when she comes by to pick up the rest of her stuff. Oodly enough I felt better that I called her. I was fighting the urge to call her for almost a week. I was pretty good with the NC thing until she told me her 'final' answer. After I was told she just wanted to move on and close this chapter of her life I had to fight constantly to not contact her. Later that evening to my surprise she called me. She had gone out to dinner and had a drink with her sister and she called to see how I was doing. She said that I had sounded "in rough shape" when I called earlier. I think this was just an excuse for herself to call because I was very in control and kept things light when we spoke earlier. I continued to be light and did not bring up any conversation about 'us'. I just talked about my day, told little funny stories that I've wanted to share with her and in general had a very amicable conversation that I think she equally enjoyed. I did not cry or become sad because I was just enjoying speaking to my best friend. We spoke for about 20 minutes and she said she wanted to get some sleep because she had a big day on Sunday. I kept my tone light and let her know I really enjoyed our conversation and that I love her.

 

I know I can't read anything into this conversation but I felt immensly better and hope became a bit stronger. I am tempering that feeling with the knowledge that she still wants to move on without me. I just missed her so much I had to hear her voice. I am once again battling with myself to not contact her again until she comes to get her stuff. The other part of my mind is saying that NC is stupid. If I have good talks with her and continue to keep it light that should be alright. I know I am bargaining. I try but it is too hard sometimes.

[Lainie]

I'd like to say that i feel sorry for you, but i can't. My boyfriend cheated on me and we are now going through counselling, so i know where you're at. I go through so many different emotions it's not funny. Sometimes i feel so positive that it can work out and other times, i'm wondering what i'm doing. I've noticed that i am reacting to my bf. When he's good and treating me right, then i'm ok, but when he's being antsy or difficult, I don't react well.

 

As far as i see it, he;s the guilty one and should be going out of his way to get me back, at all costs. I should be the priority and he should be doing everything he can to make me feel special. At the moment, my bf is being extremely selfish(Background: he says he's sorry and wants me back more than anything and regrets cheating on me and wishes it never happened.), this makes me feel like, what the f***? This agravates me even more. He should now be thinking of me first, now more than ever. And is he's having a hard time, then he should have thought about that before he slept with another woman.

 

Sorry, went off track. Point is, i want to give our relationship another go because i love my bf. Yes, he did the wrong thing, but i also don't want to lose him forever. However, you can only take so much. IF the guilty party isn't doing enough to show the other that there is genuine remorse, then it makes things very difficult to get back on track. Maybe you have just done too little too late? I don't know, what does your gf say?

[thien_to]

Hi Lainie, thanks for the post. I am not looking for you to feel sorry for me and I appreciate the honesty. The but issue in my mind is that I have been proving to her at the beginning (she moved out in August) I was doing everything i could to show her how much she meant to me. I was and still am dedicated to growth and change. I also did many small things for her i.e record her favorite TV shows because she does not have cable at her new place, buy her little treats when I go out grocery shopping, etc. All these things had the opposite effect though. She felt more pressured into rekindling the relationship rather than healing herself, improving her self esteem and regaining her independence. All of these things I was giving and doing for her was seen as selfish because I was doing them to satiate my needs without looking at her wants and needs. As I continued to grow emotionally and change, I realized that I was still being selfish. I then did the only thing I could to show her I love her which is respect and abide by her wishes. When she felt pressure and wanted NC I left her alone until she contacted me. I stopped giving her little treats ( we are both fit people but we really enjoy food) and tried to show her I was healing as well. I went out more and met alot of new people. I made sure to reassure her that these are only friends and that I am not dating or in any way interested in doing the dating thing. Well this went on for a while until she let me know she wants this relationship over. That she just wants this chapter in her life closed. I don't believe in the phrase "too little too late" but I know I may very well be deluding myself. I do not want to make things harder for her but it is so difficult to see her walk away forever. I know the relationship will and has ended. I am fighting for a possibility in the future.

[Lainie]

Well, all that i acn offer is that it takes two to make it work. Sounds like you've made a very good effort to patch things up. Going through counselling muself, I have realised so many things. Self-development is key to both. I know you know that. But it sounds as though she may be on a different path. Maybe she's consumed with the betrayl and can't move past that. I don't know. I'm learning to deal with myself and look inside myself. I have realised that i have the capacity to forgive my bf, with the right amount of nurturing and love.

 

It's all a very difficult process. It does take time. But this is the repercussion of your action. IT's a shame you had to throw it away and jeopardise the relationship. Some people can grow from an experience like this, others cannot. You have done the right thing to give her space, what did she think of the counselling? Did she get anything out of it?

 

May i ask why you cheated on her? Was there anything specific that triggered this? You said before that you said some hurtful things during the counselling, that's a shame. But if you were being honest at the time, well then there's nothing you can do about that. Oh.... hindsight is a wonderful thing, it's a pity we don't have it when we need it. I don't know what else to say...................?