ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I'm seriously on the verge of contacting my former boyfriend to pick a bone with him. He owes me an apoloogy for what I've gone through in this breakup becausee of him goffamnit and I deserve better. I have been unable to stop thinking about it for days and keep dreaming about him and otherwise can't sleep. I read on another post that women are believed to handle break ups better possibly due to a larger support network, but this is definitely not my experience. I'm the female and I'm having a much harder time coping because my support group is almost nonexistent. I'm so frustrated with this, all of this. He gets away with all our friends, all our community, and now he's confident enough to start off with another girl. Its his pattern I guess, I guess he did it to me. Got out of a long relationship and dove headfirst into another one but goddamnit after spending four years with someone wouldn't you have the respect as a friend to wait at least a couple months first? I feel like my arm has been chopped off over here and for all his promises and words of love and friendship I find him to be shallow and can't even walk the walk to match that big talk of his. Some wise older person he turned out to be. I simultaneously hate him for being so callous and being able to forget four years woth of loving me and am missing him and want to be with him. What the **** is wrong with me? God I'm so upset. She's no good for him, they would make a power couple like we were but ishes not good for him. He needs to pull his head out of his d*ck and focus on himself. If he were any other friend I would slap him upside the head and say "focus on improving you" but now I realize I was a rebound too. Why does he do this to himself and other people. He wasn't prepared to be good to me, what makes him think using someone else is ok? I'm so confused right now. I'm fighting the urge to contact him and losing, someone please help me.
JoelBarish Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Go to the Breaking up forum and read the thread by JDPT. He broke NC today and look what happened to him 3
Oldcatskinner Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 How will this help you heal? What will picking a fight with him prove in the long run? Yes, he may need to focus on himself, but his actions (not being with you) cut you out of the picture. You very well may need to contact him for your healing, but only you will know that. If this helps you heal, then by all means do it. However, there are risks, and from the posts on this forum, the consensus is that contact doesn't work and in turn backfires. On the other hand, you may need this last effort to bring the death knell of this relationship to your realization. 1
JoelBarish Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 No matter what you hope to accomplish he won't respond the way you want him to. It will just continue the cycle of loss/pain/anxiety/rejection. Resist! 3
thishatteredsymphony Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Take a deep breath, and walk away from your computer, phone, anything else you might use to contact him. Just remind yourself over and over, no good will come of this. 1
RiceaRoni Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I know how you feel girl. Whatever you do though...don't break NC. Don't. Because you know what'll happen if you "pick a bone" with your ex.. He'll see whatever you write him, and laugh or think "What the? haha she's caugh up on me?" It's an ego boost to him. You're letting him effect you in this way and if you let him know...it's just be more power to him. YOU want to be the powerful one here. Let go of your anger. cry if you need too. vent on here. vent on paper, do whatever you gotta do except contact him. it'll just be ugly if you do. You have people here to be your support group. Write on here any time, and there will be people here to help in anyway they can. Goodluck dear. stay on here if you need to. 1
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 ~stabbing eyes out with a pencil~ Thank you guys. I mean it. I'm glad to talk to you, seeing as all my IRL friends have either ****ed me over or don't care. Sometimes the urge is just so obsessively strong. I've been doing my best to get past or around it but after several days not sleeping well and seeing him talking to this girl just gets to me. Sometimes you hit a wall where no matter what you do it will be on your mind and you have to live with it there...breathing your air.. I think I do need to have a talk with him to bring me closure, but not like this. I have to bide my time...I'm just very impatient with fate. Unfortunately. 1
JoelBarish Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 ~stabbing eyes out with a pencil~ Thank you guys. I mean it. I'm glad to talk to you, seeing as all my IRL friends have either ****ed me over or don't care. Sometimes the urge is just so obsessively strong. I've been doing my best to get past or around it but after several days not sleeping well and seeing him talking to this girl just gets to me. Sometimes you hit a wall where no matter what you do it will be on your mind and you have to live with it there...breathing your air.. I think I do need to have a talk with him to bring me closure, but not like this. I have to bide my time...I'm just very impatient with fate. Unfortunately. This forum is a life saver. I only slept like 3 hours last night. I was on here all night. There really are some good people here 3
Sugarkane Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I agree with you ellowmay. I'm female and didn't find much support from friends/family besides the "just get over it". Meanwhile my Ahole ex turned everyone against me. So the "female's have it easier" was complete BS for me too. Stay strong. 3
thishatteredsymphony Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 ~stabbing eyes out with a pencil~ Thank you guys. I mean it. I'm glad to talk to you, seeing as all my IRL friends have either ****ed me over or don't care. Sometimes the urge is just so obsessively strong. I've been doing my best to get past or around it but after several days not sleeping well and seeing him talking to this girl just gets to me. Sometimes you hit a wall where no matter what you do it will be on your mind and you have to live with it there...breathing your air.. I think I do need to have a talk with him to bring me closure, but not like this. I have to bide my time...I'm just very impatient with fate. Unfortunately. Definitely use this website for help. It's done me a lot of good. Should you really feel you need to contact him, you at least have the good mindset right now. Don't do it when you're angry. 1
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Been dere, done dat. Psh, I wish you guys were here or I was there. It sucks having little or no social circle after such a huge loss. People are not very compassionate these days, at least not in person. 4
JoelBarish Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Been dere, done dat. Psh, I wish you guys were here or I was there. It sucks having little or no social circle after such a huge loss. People are not very compassionate these days, at least not in person. It's because we know what your going through. 1
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 I agree with you ellowmay. I'm female and didn't find much support from friends/family besides the "just get over it". Meanwhile my Ahole ex turned everyone against me. So the "female's have it easier" was complete BS for me too. Stay strong. Dude I seriously understand. They always say, "good friends help you bury the body" but no one ever actually shows up with the ****ing shovel. How about THEY get over it! Lol 2
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 It's because we know what your going through. I'm glad some one does. Everyone is self righteous until they are the one suffering. The world shouldn't be like that. Suffering happens, real people give compassion, not ignorant judgment. Huge life lesson. Every person is facing the greatest fight of their lives, no pain is too small.
RiceaRoni Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Been dere, done dat. Psh, I wish you guys were here or I was there. It sucks having little or no social circle after such a huge loss. People are not very compassionate these days, at least not in person. I know how you feel haha. My social circle is extremely small. So for me to ever go through a BU, LS is really the place that helps the best. Plus I hate venting to my close friends. I feel like I burden them when they have their own problems... Here. everyone is kinda going through the same thing, so we can all relate and help each other out. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Welcome This forum has been extremely beneficial for me. And I, like you, don't have crap for a social/support structure to help. I moved to this small town with my ex for her job. Now just by myself with a few work colleagues and like 2 friends who really don't know me very well Thank goodness for LS!!
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Having people around really makes a difference in my opinion. I don't know why western culture is so biased against anyone experiencing distress. Its rather odd, considering how common sadness and loss are in life. People are afraid of love I think. 2
todreaminblue Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 ~stabbing eyes out with a pencil~ Thank you guys. I mean it. I'm glad to talk to you, seeing as all my IRL friends have either ****ed me over or don't care. Sometimes the urge is just so obsessively strong. I've been doing my best to get past or around it but after several days not sleeping well and seeing him talking to this girl just gets to me. Sometimes you hit a wall where no matter what you do it will be on your mind and you have to live with it there...breathing your air.. I think I do need to have a talk with him to bring me closure, but not like this. I have to bide my time...I'm just very impatient with fate. Unfortunately. i havent had closure with apologies much...so i get over it easier than what i did when i was younger....have had to get over it........the closure i get is by knowing that i did my best ....it didnt work.......its over........my ex did apologise to me after six months of no contact...but the circumstances were, we had to work it out there were children involved.. i dont expect apologies then i dont waste my hope on getting an apology and i just let it go....that means the grudge too so I feel sad for a while but not bitter..i just deal with the hurt by the three steps above......did your best.....it didnt work......its over now.....deb
Misfortune Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Having people around really makes a difference in my opinion. I don't know why western culture is so biased against anyone experiencing distress. Its rather odd, considering how common sadness and loss are in life. People are afraid of love I think. There not bias against everyone, they're bias against me experiencing distress. No matter how heartbroken you are, a guy shouldn't cry and all that other nonsense. If you express to much emotion, they write you off as being mental.
Author ellowmay Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Its not just males, believe me. Everyone always tells me how "strong" I am just to cop out and make themselves feel better about not getting involved in anything remotely distressing. I'm not one of those people though. Human experience is rife with hardship, and negative emotions are part of the package. They are there to make us want to reach out and connect to other people for support and love. I think optimists are just in denial of that. its immature and unrealistic to think that someones pain or suffering is insignificant and that it will never happen to them. If people could just grow a little more compassion this world would evolve so much faster.
Author ellowmay Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 I just cannot get it out of my head to contact him. Days and days and days later my resolve is waning. I know he's cozying up with another girl I know, its all he ever posts about on his twitter, which is supposed to be for his music. I just can't shake the feeling that I need to talk to him about everything that happened when we broke up, I want him to care about me as a friend and show it like he always said he would... He believed lies about me from people we hardly knew instead of believing in me. He wanted to talk to me until all that drama happened. We were together for four years, how can he so easily forget me, stop loving me...I know we were unhappy and aren't right for each other right now but I feel like a part of my body and soul is missing without his friendship. I know that we both made equal amounts of mistakes and I was irrational when we broke up but don't I deserve better, an apology? I gave mine, what about his...what about me? I want so badly to contact him and tell him I need to talk about this so I can move on for myself because its driving me mad. But I'm afraid ill just **** it up again... He was my everything for so long, how can he just not care and be gone...
RiceaRoni Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I just cannot get it out of my head to contact him. Days and days and days later my resolve is waning. I know he's cozying up with another girl I know, its all he ever posts about on his twitter, which is supposed to be for his music. I just can't shake the feeling that I need to talk to him about everything that happened when we broke up, I want him to care about me as a friend and show it like he always said he would... He believed lies about me from people we hardly knew instead of believing in me. He wanted to talk to me until all that drama happened. We were together for four years, how can he so easily forget me, stop loving me...I know we were unhappy and aren't right for each other right now but I feel like a part of my body and soul is missing without his friendship. I know that we both made equal amounts of mistakes and I was irrational when we broke up but don't I deserve better, an apology? I gave mine, what about his...what about me? I want so badly to contact him and tell him I need to talk about this so I can move on for myself because its driving me mad. But I'm afraid ill just **** it up again... He was my everything for so long, how can he just not care and be gone... In that part I just bolded...he's a fool if he believes what other people say. No one should even be in the business between both of you. DON'T CONTACT HIM. DON'T I know how you feel girl, because I remember being the same with my first love when we parted. It's not going to do you any good. It's just going to bring you more pain if you contact him I know it's difficult, but you need to take your mind off of him by doing another activity. He didn't easily forget you hun, he probably is thinking about you as much as you him, and the only way he's been able to take you off of his mind and try to get over you is by getting all cozy with some other chick. Trust me, you gotta stay away. Forget his twitter. The online world doesn't always correspond with what's really happening in real life anyway. People make up stuff, cover up their pain by saying other things. Block his twitter, block the website. Get out and have some fun with some girlfriends or come on here and vent whenever you have he urge to contact him. I'm sorry you're hurting so much dear. It's easier said than done to get over someone. You gotta stay strong and stay NC 2
EdG Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 He hasn't stopped loving you, that's for sure. You can't just forgot 4 years with someone you love... What do you want out of the conversation? If it's just an apology then I'd say don't contact him. True heart felt apologies will be delivered naturally, without being chased. Let him come to you with an apology. 1
RiceaRoni Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 He hasn't stopped loving you, that's for sure. You can't just forgot 4 years with someone you love... What do you want out of the conversation? If it's just an apology then I'd say don't contact him. True heart felt apologies will be delivered naturally, without being chased. Let him come to you with an apology. agree ^ You can't get an apology out of demand. He has to come up to the plate himself and do it... That is if he's even brave enough. 1
Author ellowmay Posted September 24, 2013 Author Posted September 24, 2013 I am really trying to hear what you guys are saying. I hope that he does come to me eventually, I'm just so heartbroken about it all. I just can't believe this all happened this way. The last four years of my life have been one crazy ****ed up story even I can't believe sometimes... And not just because of this relationship (at least I hope that isn't what caused all this) but my dad died, I became estranged from my family, lost all my friends, been homeless except for my boyfriend taking me in, been bouncing all over trying to stay in school, and walked close to death on several occasions... I'm not just grieving my relationship I guess.
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