ConfusedRedhead Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Hi there. I'd really appreciate someones advice. Here is the situation, sorry if its a bit long! My partner and i have been together for a year and a half. I am 17, he is 29. I thought i loved him but recently i've been having doubts: 1) He is very pesimisstic all the time. I'm not what you'd call a full-time optimist, but i like to see the bright side sometimes and he drags me down emotionally! EG New years eve he wouldn't go to a party with me and insisted we stay at home. Clock strikes midnight "Happy new year" *tries to kiss him* "humph, some happy new year it will be". 2) Hes 12 years older but sometimes i feel like the 'responsible adult'. Hes a bit of a dreamer, but sometimes it just goes too far. For example, a random person gave him an illegal flick knife at a pub the other day "just because" and he accepted! It could have been used for anything! 3) He is terrible at interacting with people, but loves 'observing' them. When we're out together i feel upset when his eyes constantly follow other women, no matter how much he says hes interested in watching 'everyone'. Hes very blunt about who he finds attractive too (EVEN if its one of my close friends!!!!!!!!!!!) and gets annoyed when i react badly to this. Wouldn't you be upset if your partner started talking matter-of-factly about how they find your closest friend physically attractive but think that the relationship would only be fun for a month or so? 4) In all honesty i don't trust him. I wouldn't leave him alone talking to another girl. Its a terrible thing to say, but i wouldnt! In reason, i doubt he would try anything on with her. But i know for a fact that he'd be drooling over her like shes the best thing ever. I know because hes done it while i've been sitting next to him. Its complicated because i think he has a mild social disorder and he doesn't seem to be able to comprehend what is socially acceptable between different kinds of friendship and what is required etc. But even when i explain to him he can't see my point... Does the problem lay with me over-analysing or with him? I'm also a little worried by his attitudes to sexuality. He would have no problem with sleeping with a minor if she wanted it no matter what age she was, and he has admitted he would do so even if she was his own daughter. Is this really the man i want to spend the rest of my life with?!?! Or am i just panicking about this? Perhaps they are just fantasies that he would never act on? I'm so confused, please help.... Thankyou, ConfusedRedHead
tiki Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Dude needs to get a grip. He'd sleep with his own daughter? Huuuuuhhh???? He's fuct in the head, leave now.
kiwi29f Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 He said he would sleep with his own daughter??? And your still with this guy. That would scare the hell out of me. You says he would sleep with a minor no matter the age, your only 17 yrs old, you are a minor. Your too young to be thinking about spending the rest of your life with anyone right now much less one that would sleep with his own daughter. If I misinterpreted that please tell but b/c I hope I did. If you can't trust this guy anyway why be with him? Your not being unreasonable. I wouldn't take my chances on if it was a fantasy he'll act on or not, if he's willing to sleep with a minor no matter the age. What if you had a daughter with this guy, wouldn't you worry about that?
blind_otter Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedRedhead I'm also a little worried by his attitudes to sexuality. He would have no problem with sleeping with a minor if she wanted it no matter what age she was, and he has admitted he would do so even if she was his own daughter. Is this really the man i want to spend the rest of my life with?!?! Or am i just panicking about this? Perhaps they are just fantasies that he would never act on? I was molested when I was 4. If anyone said this to me I would run away as fast as I could. Why are you even questioning this? This guy is totally f*cked up in the head. I could go on because I am VERY sensitive about the issue of molestation. He would have sex with his own daughter? Anyone even thinking this is a disgusting individual who needs serious counseling.
Scott S Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedRedhead I'm also a little worried by his attitudes to sexuality. He would have no problem with sleeping with a minor if she wanted it no matter what age she was, and he has admitted he would do so even if she was his own daughter. You're a LITTLE worried?! He is a pedophile, who has admitted that he would commit incest. I don't know where you live, but here in Wisconsin, he would be considered a sex offender! His future likely includes a lengthy prison term, or possibly a brutal death at the hands of some girl's father. My advice is to run fast, & run far!!!
ConfusedRedHead Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Hi again, Thanks for your replies. Now what you have all said is very true, and you are right. (Apart from me being a minor in that sense, in the UK at 16 you can have sex) And Blind_Otter, i know exactly what you mean, i was sexually abused by my brother between the ages of 7 and 9 before finally speaking out. I think that may be why my judgement is clouded so much... You see, he is my security in life. All my life i've had uncertainty, illness, abuse (though blessed with loving parents) and i have friends but they are very 'fair-weather'....i've become part of a two, without him im nothing. When the past comes up about my brother he's there to hold me. When i thrash around from nightmares about it he soothes me back to sleep. And though it makes sense to leave him, i just don't know if i can Although i've spoken about all his bad points he does have some good ones. I know i must be a terrible person for even considering staying with him, but please see my reasons.... Can anyone give me feedback on this? Its very confusing....
snipit3172 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 i agree with the other posts on here if he would sleep with his own daughter get rid of him and run keep running and dont look back
snipit3172 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 im sorry about your past but i really believe your better off without him he may help you when your having nightmares but if he knows what you have been through how the hell can he even think of saying to you he would sleep with minors and his own daughter i think he likes the attention you crave from him and i dont really know what to say apart from please leave him for your own sanity
Chan Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 do you think the age difference has nething to do with it? i think if u have doubts about ur relationship and hes making you feel like that and uve tried explainig how u feel but he just wont see it from ur point of view and he continues drooling over other women while hes with u then hes bein very inconsiderate remeber plenty more fish in the sea!and beter ones then him!!
NatoPMT Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 I knew straight away you were British because you said ‘pub’. You gave the game away there. I’m sorry you have had such a traumatic experience in your life, but his presence isnt going to take it away. I understand your reasoning and why this would make you cling to something that offers you the only stability you currently know, but whats happening here will only set you up for further pain. It worries me that he has chosen you and I wonder if he’s using your vunerability to manipulate you. I am assuming he knows what you have been through, yet he makes comments that would be completely inappropriate whatever your past. I think he sounds like a predator Red, almost like he’s using your past to justify his feelings, that you would understand and it seems to have worked. He’s managed to gain your trust by doing enough of the good stuff to make you grateful for him being with you, but he’s also almost ‘setting you up’ by letting this be the subtext in your concerns about him, not the headlining feature. How has he managed this? You say what your reasoning is for carrying on the relationship, but what’s he done to justify these incestuous comments? I am a bit worried for you. What’s he getting from this? Has he suggested anything sexually that you are uncomfortable with? Can you throw any more light on that? Let me also say, that despite the bizarre comments he’s made, he’s just not right for you. You are only 17, there’s hundreds of people that if you chose to be with would be positive, younger but responsible with it, faithful, trustworthy and there for you when the nightmares come. You don’t need this person, you don’t need anyone who isn’t making the grade. Your friends are young too, they obviously cant be relied on to be true support when you need it but that doesn’t mean that you should get some twisted support from this disturbing character. Are you strong enough to break things off? You sound like you are, if not, have a few weeks on your own to give yourself some time to really think this through, you may not be able to think clearly when you are with him and he’s exercising his techniques on you. If you want to chat id be happy for you to pm me. Good luck
ConfusedRedHead Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 After reading all your responses I spoke to him and broke off our relationship... And now it feels like i have nothing in life I want him back but know it would be wrong especially because of his moral views. I can't do this
SoleMate Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Please try to find something else good to have in your life. Try a church group or volunteer organization - they are always looking for people, and you will find many caring individuals. I understand the "lost" feeling - you have lost your most important relationship. The fact that it was with a person who has some severe mental/emotional problems doesn't change your hurt. Yes, there were things about him that were good for you. But you have made the (seemingly correct) judgment that overall, he was a negative for you. That was a good thing you did. Now go find some caring people to connect with. Good luck!
blind_otter Posted November 30, 2004 Posted November 30, 2004 Originally posted by ConfusedRedHead After reading all your responses I spoke to him and broke off our relationship... And now it feels like i have nothing in life I want him back but know it would be wrong especially because of his moral views. I can't do this Congratulations on taking the high road, being strong, and doing what you thought was best rather than just waiting around to see if he would "change" (which they never do). It really sucks right now - the best thing to do is keep yourself occupied, re-establish close bonds with your friends, and take some time for yourself.
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