Husband Won't Take Responsibility; Thinking of Divorce

[simplyfrustrated]

Okay, so I'm on the verge of filing for divorce because my husband simply can't take responsibility for anything, and it's driving me beyond crazy.

 

A couple of examples:

 

We live in a very small house with one bathroom. Three times I woke up and the hallway/upstairs smelled like $hit. Lo and behold, the toilet was full of nasty stinky diarrhea that wasn't flushed. I didn't say anything the first two times and simply flushed it. The third time I said to him, "Look, I know you are getting up earlier for the job you are working on and are probably tired, but I really need you to take the extra two seconds and make sure you flush in the mornings because it leaves the hallway stinking." You know what he said? He said, "Do you have proof it's my $hit? I know what my $hit looks like and it isn't runny like that. I have nice solid $hit all the time. You're effing crazy, I know what my $hit looks like and you don't." Really? My jaw still drops when I recall this conversation because it was just asinine, especially since he is the only one up between the time he leaves work and the time I get up. I have to pry my kids out of bed, and trust me if either of them had the runs they would wake me up. To make it worse, he took his passive-aggressiveness to a whole new level a couple of weeks after this exchange and I woke up to SMEARED crap on my toilet and walls in the bathroom. Who does this? And he refused to clean it up because I couldn't "prove" it was his. OMG, I'm boiling thinking about it.

 

He had a work van that he used specifically for work. He didn't take care of it at all -- never changed the oil, busted the lock on the back gate because "he was frustrated and just hit the damn thing." It stunk to high heaven and the interior was trashed. This thing was just horrid. Said he needed a new car to drive to work. Fine, we bought him a new-to-us car for him to drive to work. In less than two months, he never changed the oil -- even though the oil was due to be changed when we bought it according to the owner; has ripped off both inside door handles; pulled down part of the headliners; and drove around for a week with the car wobbling and pulling because three tires had separated belts and he "didn't feel like bothering with it." Now he is saying he needs another car because it needs extensive repairs from him letting things like that go. He hasn't even had the latest one six months yet.

 

I get tickets in the mail from the red-light cameras where he is running red lights; speeding tickets because he is well over the speed limit; he didn't get his license tags renewed on his birthday like he was supposed to. Why? Because he doesn't think those rules apply to him. He constantly oversleeps and speeds and runs red lights to compensate. As for the registration, he simply "didn't have time to worry about it and he'll get it when he feels like it."

 

He will sit all night, every night, and watch me bust my hump taking care of the house, the laundry, the kids, the dogs, et cetera, and it doesn't occur to him to detach himself from the couch. If I say something to him, that he needs to get up and help, he yells and screams and throws this pity party, "I know. I'm just a worthless piece of $hit. I don't know why I stay here. Hell, I don't know why I just don't kill myself." Really? All that because I pointed out that he needs to get up and help in the running of the household he's part of?

 

We have a recurring problem with his spending. Overspending is an understatement. Every month he is spending between $700 and $900 on multiple "soda" stops a day, lunches out, taking people out to lunch -- not required for his job; he's far from an executive and we certainly don't have it like that financially. When I tell him that it needs to stop because he is spending money faster than I can make it, he throws a huge tantrum -- think two-year-old screaming and stomping feet -- and packs his stuff, tells me he is leaving, and launches into this HUGE screaming match about how ungrateful I am. I can't make the connection, but that's his story and he's sticking to it. Will not take responsibility for the fact that he is spending extraordinary amounts of money and constantly keeping our family in a paycheck-to-paycheck situation with his spending and screw-ups.

 

This has gotten way longer than I expected, and I thank you if you made it this far for letting me vent. This man is 43 years old and it is worse than having another child. And these examples aren't spaced out over a period of time; these things happen week in and week out, month after month. I am so fed up that I have no respect left for him and can't even stand to be near him half the time because I'm tired of cleaning up his messes and dealing with these childish displays of ridiculousness.

 

Right now I stay because financially it works and splitting up without me finding a new job -- which I'm working on currently -- would be extremely hard. Our health insurance is also through his job, and I have a chronic health condition that I could not afford to take care of otherwise. Other than those two things, I can't think of a single reason that this marriage is worth it anymore.

 

So since I can't leave just yet, does anybody have any suggestions on how to tolerate this situation until I can? I am seriously past my breaking point and have a hard time even being civil to him anymore.

[Balzac]

You married this guy why?? Explain again why you're not already moved out?

[simplyfrustrated]

Trust me, I ask myself that question at least a dozen times a day. But in all fairness, he didn't act like this when we were dating, and for the first year we were married. It was like after a year or so he just couldn't keep playing nice and this evil a$$ came out in full force. Trust me, had he acted like this beforehand I would have run the opposite way, fast. I never would have guessed in a million years that the person I dated would end up being this person. This is ridiculous. I think that's part of my issue, here. I keep kicking myself for not seeing these things before...but they just weren't there.

 

He does the same "acting" job when we're out and about, though. He acts like this nice upstanding guy, father of the year -- and he has literally less than 20 minutes interaction with the kids a week even though he lives here; he just simply ignores everyone -- but it is a far cry from the real him that we live with at home.

 

Like I said, I know I need to get out and am working really hard on trying to make that happen. I'm applying for better jobs with benefits, and socking away a little money here and there. I'm taking on some extra freelance work as it comes available. I just haven't got all the pieces together yet. I need to know how to live with him until those things happen without ringing his neck...because I really want to sometimes!

[Balzac]

Your medical coverage doesn't end the day you file for a divorce. Have him removed or help to pay for your new apt. If I were you I'd be frightened to be in the house w him.

[sunshinegirl]

Is it possible he has a medical condition? (brain tumor or something???)

[Balzac]

I encourage you to meet for an initial consultation w an attorney. These are often no cost to you. I think you don't understand your rights.

 

Your belief about waiting for the right job is living in denial.

[simplyfrustrated]

Sometimes I am afraid to be in the house with him, or the car, but I always feel silly thinking that way and tell myself that he certainly wouldn't do anything to hurt us...but I'm not so sure sometimes because his behavior is soooo out of the norm. I feel like I'm in a state of paralysis sometimes and just can't think because of the absurdity of some of the things that he does. It's like I know he's a nutjob but I still can't rationalize that with the person I dated and manage to convince myself that I'm crazy. I saw a therapist and she swears I have PTSD just from living with him.

 

As to the brain tumor, I don't know and I can't get him to a doctor. Trust me, I try because I'm convinced something HAS to be wrong with any human being to act this way. His other favorite thing to do is every time he gets caught in another situation and I call him on it, he "all of a sudden" has medical issues -- his knee, his back, his foot, something -- because he tries to divert my attention to give him sympathy instead of reaming him for screwing up again. Each time I tell him, "If you have that many medical issues, we really need to get you to a doctor and see what's wrong with you." Of course, he then miraculously gets better and swears that he just doesn't see doctors for any reason. I have tried to get him to see my neurologist and therapist, but he refuses because he swears he is fine; that I'm the one with issues.

 

Look, I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I do have issues, but I can't figure out how I can communicate and function in every day life -- with coworkers, bosses, strangers, doctors, et cetera -- and not have any issues. I pay my bills, I take care of my house and kids, I rescue dogs, I volunteer. I just handle my business. I do know, though, that I'm not handling things well anymore because I find it hard to be nice to him because I'm always ticked off over his latest screw up.

 

His other gripe, naturally, is that I never want to be intimate. But I just can't. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I have explained to him that I can't switch from being ticked off beyond all belief that he's done something else to wanting to have sex with him. He tells me I'm unreasonable and I need to separate things better; that I need to let the past go and act like a wife. Well, I can't let the past go when it is my present, and I can't act like a wife and be intimate with someone that I have to play mommy to.

 

I just can't rationalize how I ended up here because I never saw it coming and I cannot believe this is my life.

[Art_Critic]

I would have been out the door with the shiot smeared walls and toilet, this is the man you want to stay married to and have kids with ?

 

Time to leave, do as Balzac mentioned and go get a consult with an attorney.. you don't need to feel that you have to stay in that horrid relationship..

 

Also... it sounds to me he either has a drug/alcohol problem or has serious mental issues, I'd bet with the shiot smearing that it is drugs...

 

Time to get out...

[simplyfrustrated]

I encourage you to meet for an initial consultation w an attorney. These are often no cost to you. I think you don't understand your rights.

 

Your belief about waiting for the right job is living in denial.

 

Can you please tell me what you mean by this? I'm thinking I need to get a better job so that I can support my kids and pay my bills. I'm not in denial about anything. I know my situation is screwed up and I need to get out, but I also know that I have two kids to provide for and bills to pay. I'm really just trying to get my ducks in a row and doing what I think I need to do. If there's something I'm missing, please tell me!!

[Art_Critic]

I'm thinking I need to get a better job so that I can support my kids and pay my bills.

 

Are the kids his as well ?

How long have you been married ?

 

You need someone looking out for your well being and an attorney will do that.

[Balzac]

Point of fact is you are rationalizing why you stay. How you manage to live w subjecting yourself and children to him is beyond me. The greater likelihood is that a judge will remove him from the family dwelling. You will be awarded support money. Then you can look for a job.

[Grumpybutfun]

simplyfrustrated:

You are living as a hostage to a person who treats you with contempt. Balzac is correct. You have rights which you need to discuss with an attorney. This behavior is beyond the pale. He sounds very volatile and unstable. You have children and your first responsibility is to get them away from a man who smears feces on the bathroom walls in spite.

Go see a divorce attorney as soon as possible to discuss your rights. First visits are free and you need some direction. This doesn't have to be your life anymore.

Best of Luck,

Grumps

 

p.s. I have read some messed up stuff on here but his bathroom antics makes me want to vomit. I should mention that I am duck hunter, fisherman who grew up on a farm slaughtering hogs + cattle and this completely made me sick. How you stand this is beyond me.

[simplyfrustrated]

One of the kids is his, one is not. We have been married five years. I would say his behavior has gotten much worse in the last 12 months or so. I know everybody -- including myself -- is saying, "Why the hell are you with this guy?" Seriously, this craziness kind of snuck up on me. It started out with very small things that could be easily explained -- or lied away -- and have progressed to where we are now. Insidious is the only way I can explain it. I can see it now, but I certainly didn't see it then.

 

Edited: I wanted to clarify because I know someone will ask. He changed after the first year. He just wasn't "nice" anymore and his personality changed. He would make snide remarks here and there. He would tell me I was remembering things wrong when I asked him why his stories weren't adding up. He would occasionally embarrass me at family functions, but nothing openly hostile. It then progressed to little things that could be otherwise explained -- keys moved, garage left open that caused things to be stolen even when I swore I had closed it, things like that. It has been progressively getting worse, but none of this stuff occurred that first year. All of the examples above are from the last three months. Like I said, it has gotten really, really bad this past year, like no holds barred.

 

Okay, I'm going to have to chew on that for a bit, the denial/rationalization thing, because you may be right and I'm just not seeing it through all the other crap -- no pun intended -- I've got going through my mind. The advice I've gotten so far from my therapist was to do it with some semblance of order -- find a better job, line up resources, and then make a move -- which is what I've been trying to do.

 

I would probably get child support for the child that's his and no alimony because the marriage isn't a long-term one. I currently only work part-time because my doctors currently restrict me from full-time work due to my medical condition. I have tried repeated medical interventions but so far none have stabilized things. I just talked to my neurologist last week and told him that I am going to need to work full-time in the very near future, or work two-part time jobs, and we need to find a way to make that happen. I go for a new treatment in three weeks that until now has been denied by insurance because they kept saying all conservative measures weren't tried first. There's no guarantee, obviously, but the neuro thinks there's a good chance that I will get some improvement from the new procedure.

 

I think you are right, though. I'm going to call an attorney and see what they say so that I know what I'm facing and what I need to do. Like I said, I just feel like I'm in a state of paralysis right now and need all the help I can get to think clearly, so I thank everybody for helping in that regard!

Edited September 23, 2013 by simplyfrustrated

[Balzac]

Get the man out of the house. File for SNAP and other temporary assistance for abused women. Protect your children. Medical problems are exacerbated by stress. Take care of yourself.

[Bubberfly]

Ok. I stopped reading at the ***** smeared on the walls. That was enough for me. I have experience with this with mental patients (I've worked for the state hospital in the past). I'm not giving any medical advice or medical opinion, but ANY emotional behavior regarding feces of any kind is a HUGE problem, and is usually a symptom of a serious underlying mental condition. You know for a fact that (for an adult) this is HORRIFIC behavior.

 

*reads the rest of your post*

 

Yes, you need to get you and your children away from this man. I'm sorry for this situation you are in. But from everything I've read about his behaviors he's close to dangerous. You and your little ones deserve much better than that.