Patrice Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 There is no shame in trusting someone .. don't bear that .. we are vulnerable in life at times and want to trust .. heal YOU, and let him go.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 these guys never change. Everyone needs to stop blaming men for the choices that women make. One can easily say that the OP never changed either. If she choose to believe the unbelievable, that his wife somehow "tricked" him into a child, that is on her. She decided to test the "THEORY" of Gravity and jumped.... trusted her "Knight in Shining Armour" to catch her, only to find out he is fool, wearing a tin foil hat and that Newton..was indeed correct. 5
pteromom Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Then he asked me if I wanted to see him because he knows how to comfort me when I'm upset and he knows this is one of the worst things ive ever gone through in my life. I couldn't believe it what I was hearing. Wtf would he volunteer this information? Because he wanted to see you, since his wife is unable to have sex right now? I am glad you are done, and I hope you stick with it. Do not allow him to further manipulate you.
ladydesigner Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Don't worry everyone. Apparently all the baby does is cry and he's been up every night taking care of him. He thought that would make me feel better that he's doing right by the child. Then he asked me if I wanted to see him because he knows how to comfort me when I'm upset and he knows this is one of the worst things ive ever gone through in my life. I couldn't believe it what I was hearing. Wtf would he volunteer this information? I went into instant rage mode and all he had to say was I shouldn't be upset because even though he's with her, he's doing right by the child even if it was a mistake. I'm done. I need a new word for done. I blocked every form of contact listed on my phone. I'm even looking to move across the country. I need to start over and far away. This is too much for a person to handle. :'( I'm so sorry you have been through this. It is a very traumatic time in your life and I think you are doing the best thing by focusing on yourself. Do you have anyone in real life who can come and stay with you or if you can go visit a friend or family member? Take some time off and pamper and soothe yourself, it's going to be hard but I am a firm believer in NC if you really want to move forward. 1
CrystalCastles Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Everyone needs to stop blaming men for the choices that women make. Could we not turn this thread into a men vs. women thread? Your statement implies that women are the ones that push men to act the way that the OP's MM has been acting. The MM was already an a$$clown to begin with. He didn't live life all nice and fine until he smacked into the OP and from that point on, decided he was going to live as an a$$clown. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Whether or not her ap is an azzhat doesn't excuse her choices in any of this. I believe that focusing on our own choices is where control lies for each of us. You.Can.Only.Change.Yourself. So focusing on something you have no control over....is pointless. 2
KathyM Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 He pulled the trigger on you, but unfortunately, you willing stepped right into his line of fire. I know you wanted to believe all his lies and future faking, and he undoubtedly put on a convincing act. Maybe he even convinced himself that he would go through with it. Or maybe he just told you what you wanted to hear in order to keep you in the affair. Who knows? But to take any stock in what a cheater says who continues to cheat on his wife throughout her pregnancy is really setting yourself up for a fall. Look at the actions, not the words. The words mean nothing, and are easily said when they don't have to be backed up with action. This type of man is not worth your time. A man who would cheat on his pregnant wife is scum. Seriously. You need to have higher expectations than this kind of lowlife. 4
Author TaintedLuv Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 First let me say that I'm quite aware of my actions in this. I never fully blamed him although I was seriously mislead upto the point that he told me they were trying to have a baby. That's my biggest mistake. I should've made a u-turn and ran far away but I was weak. I felt that he was my best friend and I was going through some things and allowed him to be the person I turned to. I haven't pursued him in a very long time but still ended up giving into him. He still doesn't want me to stop speaking to him. For me, even though I knew what was coming, the day that baby arrived, it became 100% real, all denial disappears at this point. I felt worse than the night he told me she was pregnant. Maybe I was in denial this entire nine months. It doesn't matter. It's here and it's real and it kills me. I come on this forum because it helps me cope and open my eyes to things I'm blind to, not to get the finger pointed back at me. I know I'm wrong and I'm suffering for my sins. I hear u, loud and clear. Because he wanted to see you, since his wife is unable to have sex right now? I am glad you are done, and I hope you stick with it. Do not allow him to further manipulate you. Actually, she was high risk so they weren't allowed to have sex since she found out she was pregnant. He actually told me he was relieved when the dr told him they couldn't have sex since apparently it's a "chore" and he has to "watch porn" to be able to do it with her.
2sure Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Tainted, At some point you should read all of your own posts in this thread. Highlight the things he has said about his wife , the mother of his child, about the birth of this person. You love this man ? If you need motivation to step away from him, then simply realize that who a person loves is a huge reflection of who they are. The birth of his son left him feeling indifferent. That's telling. You seem to relish stating the cruel things he has to say about his family. That's telling too. I bet you weren't always like this. 8
velvette Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Actually, she was high risk so they weren't allowed to have sex since she found out she was pregnant. He actually told me he was relieved when the dr told him they couldn't have sex since apparently it's a "chore" and he has to "watch porn" to be able to do it with her. I don't know how old you are, but didn't anyone ever tell you that men who talk about their partners like this are scum and will eventually end up saying the same kind of horrible stuff about you? 3
waterwoman Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 tainted - I don't care if it's his fault, his wife's fault, your fault or the fault of the man in the moon, this man is utterly vile. I read the things he said about his wife and I cannot imagine anything she could do to deserve this callous disdain and disrespect. Get him out of your life for your own sake x 4
Author TaintedLuv Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) TL, I honestly believe this man has been lying to you since day 1. At least since you went back and his wife was pregnant. He intentionally got her pregnant. People simply do not do this to appease someone they hate. Cheaters so so so often say the most disgusting things about their spouse to their AP. This justifies why he is with the AP, and gives the AP hope to a better, more open future. Most APs, if told by the MM or MW that the WS loves their spouse and is never leaving, wouldn't be involved. Well, if the other party is married perhaps, but a single woman hoping that one day this will be 'her husband' would not be there if MM said "I love my wife - she's great, attractive, funny and I enjoy her. I married her, didn't I? Of course I love her. I just want a little more for now." No, no one would put up with that. So they lie, lie, lie. The tell the most awful stories. TL, think about it. If the stories he told you about his W were true and he really felt the way he claims, no amount of porn, drugs or alcohol would make sex possible. He says he is truly disgusted with her. He is clearly lying. Maybe she isn't perfect, and she certainly isn't satisfying all of his needs, but there is no way he would 'appease' someone he felt such disgust for. There is just no way. He sold this over months and years to you. Please think about this. I am not saying this to be cruel to you. I'm hoping this knowledge helps you stay strong and away from this thing. Yes, thing. Not only is he continuing the stories about his wife, but he's now saying them about his baby. That is unforgivable. How he lives with himself I don't know. I've had 2 children. I can tell you this - if he is waking up at night, he is absolutely doting on his wife. She would be getting up if he was so horrible. Getting up night after night takes strength and desire. He wants to be with his child. He wants to help his wife. How he can say the things he says to you is really a mystery. He is a master at compartmentalizing. So he went home after the birth and only went back that night huh? Boy, that's one way to put it. Here's another: He was with his wife for the birth of their child. After the experience, he was exhausted as was his wife. His wife was going to sleep for a good part of the day, and he went home to get some rest himself. When he woke up and showered and ate, he went back. A great many men do not stay in the hospital with their wives. It does not mean they don't love their wives. The couple wouldn't be in the same bed, and they are sleeping. I told my H to go home and come back in the morning both times. It isn't reasonable to ask him to sleep on a pull out cot in a cramped room. That's just silly imo. You don't know what their conversation about it was - only what he said, and he lies. We all know this. So he went home that day right? Why didn't he call you if you were all he was thinking of? Probably because what I wrote is the way it was. Sure, what he said to you also covers it, but the disgust he added to his voice in speaking to you isn't really there. That's what he's done for years - twist the truth and tell you the bad version of the event. You hear about every fight, every annoyance, every bad thing. You do not hear about every nice event, every sweet moment, every loving act. You just don't. Do not believe what he says about his wife. He is a liar. I hope you realize this and really do stay away from him. He will never leave her. He will never end it with you to be fair. He is a disgusting human being and will never think of anyone but himself. Again, the things he says about his wife are disgusting. Please, just imagine what he would say about you if he were to be caught? Please, don't think 'oh, no, not me and him! He wouldn't say such things about me!" You've read the stories on here. You know what MM do when caught. This guy is a pig when it comes to destroying people that are good to him with his words. He will crush you without a thought. Please, for you, stay away from him. Thank you for taking the time to post this. It was very insightful. All that Uve said does make sense. I'm pretty gullible eh? For the record, I don't "relish" in anything he says about his W. I feel for her. Maybe I was able to look the other way through the course of this A but I'm not anymore. I've told him there was no need to treat her this way. Through most of our A all he ever said was I love my wife, she's a good person, etc so when he says things that I've relayed in this or past posts, I didn't mean for it to seem as if he was bashing her. He has never bashed her. He was just telling me how he felt about certain things. Again, it doesn't make it any less ridiculous that he's saying these things but he doesn't speak ill of her exactly. I always told him he downplays his life and R for me. Wtf marries and has a child with someone they're not attracted to? That's silly. When I counter his comments with things like that all he says is "ok, I'm a liar now". Today makes my fourth day of NC and while my heart still hurts, I'm accepting this reality more so everyday and focusing on myself. Edited September 27, 2013 by TaintedLuv
Author TaintedLuv Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 You do need to read what he said about his wife-the whole can not have sex since the day she found out she was pregnant and the chore thing is utter BS and in your heart you know this to be true-I am thinking you are worldly enough to know that in all but extreme cases sex is not off the table in the first trimester and for the most part getting pregnant takes a while-the truth is probably some place in the middle-they were having a good deal of sex before and while she was pregnant all while he was saying terrible things about her and stringing you a long. I do hope you are done, done, done because this man is trash! Maybe, maybe not. Only he knows what really went on. All I know is what he told me and that is she was a high risk so the dr said no sex. According to him, it was very unlikely that she would conceive naturally but it did happen. I don't know what her issues were and don't care. String me along, he did. It all seems so utterly ridiculous how hard he's been chasing me this past year given a new perspective on his real life. Makes no sense.
RainDown Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 It's hard to read your posts because it sounds like you're in a huge amount of pain. I'm sorry for that. What I'm curious about (and is probably none of my business) is what happened to you that you value yourself so little that you would even give this bottom feeder the time of day? An emotionally and psychologically healthy person would cross the street to avoid this guy - his behavior towards other human beings (to include his own flesh and blood) is simply disgusting and vile. What has happened to make you even remotely entertain being involved with this cretin? Forget about him. He's not important. Therapy might be helpful in giving you some insight into your issues. I say this gently - you have serious issues within yourself for even looking twice at this guy. He's a lost cause; you are not. Go get yourself healthy. Your future self will thank you. 2
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Thank you for taking the time to post this. It was very insightful. All that Uve said does make sense. I'm pretty gullible eh? For the record, I don't "relish" in anything he says about his W. I feel for her. Maybe I was able to look the other way through the course of this A but I'm not anymore. I've told him there was no need to treat her this way. Through most of our A all he ever said was I love my wife, she's a good person, etc so when he says things that I've relayed in this or past posts, I didn't mean for it to seem as if he was bashing her. He has never bashed her. He was just telling me how he felt about certain things. Again, it doesn't make it any less ridiculous that he's saying these things but he doesn't speak ill of her exactly. I always told him he downplays his life and R for me. Wtf marries and has a child with someone they're not attracted to? That's silly. When I counter his comments with things like that all he says is "ok, I'm a liar now". Today makes my fourth day of NC and while my heart still hurts, I'm accepting this reality more so everyday and focusing on myself. 1st bolded part- If he could treat his wife so poorly, say things behind her back, don't fool yourself that he won't do that to you one day. Yes, he does downplay his life. It's a hook to make sure you're on his side and to see his wife in a certain negative light. It's manipulative and the 2nd hook is, "Ok, I'm a liar now." that's a preemptive strike to squash your doubt in him and make you feel bad/guilty for not believing him. Hope that makes sense. Hang in there, you can work through this. You have no choice now but to let go and allow yourself to cry and grieve, don't be afraid of feeling pain. You will feel better though!
Author TaintedLuv Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 It's hard to read your posts because it sounds like you're in a huge amount of pain. I'm sorry for that. What I'm curious about (and is probably none of my business) is what happened to you that you value yourself so little that you would even give this bottom feeder the time of day? An emotionally and psychologically healthy person would cross the street to avoid this guy - his behavior towards other human beings (to include his own flesh and blood) is simply disgusting and vile. What has happened to make you even remotely entertain being involved with this cretin? Forget about him. He's not important. Therapy might be helpful in giving you some insight into your issues. I say this gently - you have serious issues within yourself for even looking twice at this guy. He's a lost cause; you are not. Go get yourself healthy. Your future self will thank you. There's nothing I can really pinpoint internally that allowed me to participate in this. Parents have been married 32 years. No abuse of any kind. Perhaps it's just a self esteem issue although I've never had any problems getting male attention when I was younger and in my prime. Then again I met him when I was 25 so I still had a chance to meet someone available and better. I don't have any excuses. I fell for him hard and I thought things would be different. He was married two years when we met and he kicked her out a little over three years ago because he wasn't happy. I guess i was holding onto false hope.
Author TaintedLuv Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 1st bolded part- If he could treat his wife so poorly, say things behind her back, don't fool yourself that he won't do that to you one day. Yes, he does downplay his life. It's a hook to make sure you're on his side and to see his wife in a certain negative light. It's manipulative and the 2nd hook is, "Ok, I'm a liar now." that's a preemptive strike to squash your doubt in him and make you feel bad/guilty for not believing him. Hope that makes sense. Hang in there, you can work through this. You have no choice now but to let go and allow yourself to cry and grieve, don't be afraid of feeling pain. You will feel better though! It's all ridiculous. That's the only word I can come up with. Yesterday he indirectly contacted me to let me know that he was thinking about me and he's upset that I'm going through all of this pain alone and he wants to be here for me. No thanks buddy! Funny part is I've gone numb for the past few days. I can cry on command but without any emotion if that makes sense. I even saw pix of his son and I felt nothing. My sister is a bit concerned because it's only been a week but maybe my heart has had as much pain as it could bear and has shut down. I even went on a date which sounds crazy considering I was short having an anxiety attack earlier this week but I had a good time. But with actions like his, it's no surprise Ive lost any sort of tenderness for him.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It's all ridiculous. That's the only word I can come up with. Yesterday he indirectly contacted me to let me know that he was thinking about me and he's upset that I'm going through all of this pain alone and he wants to be here for me. No thanks buddy! Funny part is I've gone numb for the past few days. I can cry on command but without any emotion if that makes sense. I even saw pix of his son and I felt nothing. My sister is a bit concerned because it's only been a week but maybe my heart has had as much pain as it could bear and has shut down. I even went on a date which sounds crazy considering I was short having an anxiety attack earlier this week but I had a good time. But with actions like his, it's no surprise Ive lost any sort of tenderness for him. This is a good thing. Your heart shutting down will make you detach. As time goes on and your anger kicks in, you will not reminisce about the past and how he made you feel and what once was. Use that anger to propel you forward to help your grieving and letting go process. You're gonna be okay. 2
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