It's official...he killed me.

[TaintedLuv]

I've been away for a short while dealing with my MM that pretty much refused to let me go. Day in and day out, he'd keep trying to weasel some more time out of me as his wife's due date approached. He recently had access to my family (met my parents for the first time) and lost it. Now only after five years and nine months does he realize he should've left years ago. It's a constant slap in the face. This past Thursday he told me he wants to pack up and leave with me. He's been fighting with his entire family including his W as he's been mia through the entire pregnancy. He told me that he needed time to think about making everything "right" with us but he knew that he couldn't ask me to wait for him.

 

Well his W had the baby the following day. Not a word from him. I knew it was coming but I never imagined my reaction to be so intense. I've literally hit rock bottom. I'm heartbroken and numb. Regardless of our countless conversations about how he feels about me. He's shown me the complete opposite. I'm questioning everything. I feel so lost. I can't trust my mind or heart at this point. He's already referring to his son being my stepson someday but I don't know if I can forgive him for everything he's put me through- even if I do deserve to pay for my sins. Right now we're in NC and I want nothing more than to hear from him but I'm trying so hard to be strong knowing he's by his Ws side playing his assigned role in this. I feel like no one understands my pain. I'm just getting "well u knew there would be a baby after nine months". I don't know how to cope with being the OW anymore....

[Goodbye]

I've been away for a short while dealing with my MM that pretty much refused to let me go. Day in and day out, he'd keep trying to weasel some more time out of me as his wife's due date approached. He recently had access to my family (met my parents for the first time) and lost it. Now only after five years and nine months does he realize he should've left years ago. It's a constant slap in the face. This past Thursday he told me he wants to pack up and leave with me. He's been fighting with his entire family including his W as he's been mia through the entire pregnancy. He told me that he needed time to think about making everything "right" with us but he knew that he couldn't ask me to wait for him.

 

Well his W had the baby the following day. Not a word from him. I knew it was coming but I never imagined my reaction to be so intense. I've literally hit rock bottom. I'm heartbroken and numb. Regardless of our countless conversations about how he feels about me. He's shown me the complete opposite. I'm questioning everything. I feel so lost. I can't trust my mind or heart at this point. He's already referring to his son being my stepson someday but I don't know if I can forgive him for everything he's put me through- even if I do deserve to pay for my sins. Right now we're in NC and I want nothing more than to hear from him but I'm trying so hard to be strong knowing he's by his Ws side playing his assigned role in this. I feel like no one understands my pain. I'm just getting "well u knew there would be a baby after nine months". I don't know how to cope with being the OW anymore....

 

 

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish you didn't need to cope with being the OW anymore. I wish you could find the strength to let him go for real.

 

What you are going through must be incredibly painful. Hang in there.

[TaintedLuv]

I am so sorry for your pain. I wish you didn't need to cope with being the OW anymore. I wish you could find the strength to let him go for real.

 

What you are going through must be incredibly painful. Hang in there.

 

At this point, I have nothing to hold onto. I'm a hollow sitting duck and I can't seem to find a path that leads me out of this misery I've been stuck in.

[xxoo]

The way out of misery is away from him. It will feel worse at first, as contact with him is also a source of pleasure. But in order to rid yourself of the pain long term, you need to sacrifice the short term pleasure.

 

It's a new season, literally and figuratively. It's the perfect time to make a change, putting yourself first. Invest in your future by cutting this toxic man off completely!

[psm04]

The title of your thread breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. I know this is easier said than done, but try to not contact him; it will only make you feel worse. Take care of yourself and know that no man is worth feeling this pain. A person who truly loves another person would not cause them so much suffering, and he is causing you so much grief.

[Pastypop]

Oh my, now that's there is a baby involved he will go off deep end. He will feel like his freedom is gone forever. Get away from this guy. If he ever left his wife for you, he would cheat on you when you are pregnant too! He is heartless scum!! So sorry for your pain but, it will only get worse if you continue down this path.

[TaintedLuv]

The title of your thread breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. I know this is easier said than done, but try to not contact him; it will only make you feel worse. Take care of yourself and know that no man is worth feeling this pain. A person who truly loves another person would not cause them so much suffering, and he is causing you so much grief.

 

Since I found out the baby was born, I've been through many emotions and I almost contacted him but I stopped. All I can think about is them smiling and holding their first child together. This is the first time in our relationship where he's left me to take care of her and it kills me. Time and time again he makes me feel like nothing. I'm completely broken down and I can't seem to move forward. Maybe I just need to be alone for a while and expecting too much from myself too soon. I'm literally traumatized. I don't know how i let him do this to me. Ur right, what kind of oerson does this to people he loves. I feel bad for his w to an extent but she's still has a husband and the baby she waited eight years for and I'm left with nothing....

[TaintedLuv]

Oh my, now that's there is a baby involved he will go off deep end. He will feel like his freedom is gone forever. Get away from this guy. If he ever left his wife for you, he would cheat on you when you are pregnant too! He is heartless scum!! So sorry for your pain but, it will only get worse if you continue down this path.

 

He won't cheat me on. That's the last thing I need to worry about if he leaves. There's a long list preceding that. I can't imagine things getting worse than this though.

[WrinkledForehead]

This may sound harsh, but you need a reality check. Right now it's not about your or your feelings or your emotions. It's not about her feelings either. It is about his BABY. His infant. Red is right, that is where he should be, regardless of anything that's happened in your R up to this point.

[KentuckyGent]

He won't cheat me on.

 

Yes he would.

[waterwoman]

He's a sh#t. Dedicating himself to his new born child is the first thing he has done right.

[ladydesigner]

I'm literally traumatized. I don't know how i let him do this to me. Ur right, what kind of oerson does this to people he loves. I feel bad for his w to an extent but she's still has a husband and the baby she waited eight years for and I'm left with nothing....

 

One who thinks he is entitled and is very selfish. He hurts his wife the same way you are hurting. When my WH was away from me during his A he treated me very poorly,and argued with me all the time. I didn't even know what was wrong, thought it was work stress. If they do this to the wife they will eventually behave and treat you in the same manner. Your MM has not changed. He needs counseling as he has some type of personality disorder to do something of this nature.

[ladydesigner]

He won't cheat me on. That's the last thing I need to worry about if he leaves. There's a long list preceding that. I can't imagine things getting worse than this though.

 

Gently, even us BS's thought that on our wedding day's. There was never a "happily ever after" for me. I also no longer believe in fairytales.

[KentuckyGent]

Isn't there a saying: "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you".

[TaintedLuv]

I won't bother quoting everyone since there's clearly a common theme in all of the responses.

 

I'm aware that he's a horrible person and he has mistreated everyone in this situation. When I say I don't think he ll cheat on me, I'm not in denial. Obviously anyone can be cheated one. I could marry another guy and will likely get cheated on. This just what people do apparently. But given his story, don't think he would. Could he? Sure.

 

Yes, I knew a baby would arrive nine months after he told me. I disappeared then he somehow got me to speak to him again. I have no excuses for my weakness. He was adamant about not leaving me alone. I've discussed it before.

 

I broke NC yesterday because I wanted to know how he was feeling about the entire situation. I was hoping seeing his son would change him. I guess I wanted some peace of mind in a sense. This is the only contact i anticipate. Unfortunately, nothing changed. In fact, he was pretty disgusted with seeing the entire birth. He had to assist the dr and he was appalled at what he saw. Idk what he thought a birth would look like. He continued to tell me that he missed and loved me. He spent the night at the hospital then went home and only visited the following night. He didn't even sleep there then picked her up the following day. He doesn't feel any different as if nothing changed. Maybe he's in shock but that "ah ha" moment never happened when he saw his child.

 

This entire ordeal is so depressing. I wish something would change for everyone's sake. I'm so worn down from loving him. I think he really needs professional help. I don't know what's going to happen. Last week his W was barely speaking to him and within 24 hours, he's at home while she's at the hospital. I just don't understand this complete indifference towards them. He chose to give her a child that he doesn't want. That's so unfair to everyone.

 

I don't know why he's so different toward me. Maybe it's part of the delusion. For now, I will continue NC. I'm afraid of what the future holds...

[HopingAgain]

Wow. Just wow. I am appalled. Truly appalled. Actually, horrible is putting it lightly. No words can describe how inhuman this person is.

 

And the fact that you could continue loving him knowing what kind of a person he is. Gobsmacked. I hope you two end up together. Sounds like you are meant for each other.

 

I think I'm gonna just cosign here rather than risk a possible infraction. If after hearing this latest drivel from this clearly horrible excuse for a human being, you still want him... I hope you get him. Because clearly if that's the case you deserve eachother.

[TaintedLuv]

Wow. Just wow. I am appalled. Truly appalled. Actually, horrible is putting it lightly. No words can describe how inhuman this person is.

 

And the fact that you could continue loving him knowing what kind of a person he is. Gobsmacked. I hope you two end up together. Sounds like you are meant for each other.

 

I can't change my feelings for him but I can bury them by using my brain for once. I know the person he is with me and the person he is with everyone else. I don't deny how horrible he has acted. He's not a man but an overgrown child that has no ability to communicate with the people in his life and instead made a mess as if it couldn't be avoided. Maybe two horrible people like him and I deserve each other but I'm certainly not unaware of my actions in this. *if* he even does leave, I'm not sure how I will feel. It would take a lot of forgiveness on my end plus the thought of being in her shoes in a few years.

[jlola]

Wow. Just wow. I am appalled. Truly appalled. Actually, horrible is putting it lightly. No words can describe how inhuman this person is.

 

One word does describe him. SOciopath!! 4% of people are sociopaths. That means one in every 25. U.S. population of Asians is jut a bit over 4%. This is just a comparison to show sociopaths are not a rare breed. But quite common.

 

This is the stage Tainted is at.

 

How the sociopath follows the pattern of idealise, devalue and discard

 

Idealise

 

The first stage can feel heady, and like you are floating on air. The sociopath idealises you. Bombards you with affection. Tells you that you are perfect. Makes out that you are the person that he has waited all of his life for.Tells you that you are the love of his life. He mirrors back to you:

 

What you need

What you want

What you think is missing in your life

Who you would like to be

The best side of you

It is the idealisation stage (the seduction) which lures you in. Idealising you, makes you feel good.

 

This is the stage wife is at.

 

Discard

 

After the full blown love affair that has swept you off your feet, to the discarding stage, where you are belittled, put down, made to feel small, made to feel that everything was your fault, were blamed, were accused to deflect from their behaviour, suddenly without warning the sociopath will discard you.

 

This can be incredibly painful to experience. You are treated as if you are worthless, that you mean nothing. The cut you dead attitude, from the full on seducing stage, can feel dramatic and cruel. Perhaps you had felt that when the devaluing was happening that things would return to how they were in the earlier idealisation stage of the relationship?

 

It is now that the truth starts to emerge. When you really see the true person come through. Now in the final stage of discard, when the sociopath has a new source of supply you are discarded like last weeks newspaper.

 

Stages of the Psychopathic Bond |

[TaintedLuv]

I suppose this is what I have the most difficulty wrapping my brain around. If I was involved in an EMR, and knew that my MM

 

• Wife was pregnant
  
• MM ignored the pregnancy
  
• MM refused to go to any doctor appointments
  
• Toyed with the idea of running away right before the baby was born
  
• Described the birth as appalling and disgusting
  
• Said he "had" to assist the doctor (umm... you do realize that is the tradition in hospitals?!! That the husband assists in bringing his child into the world!)
  
• Doesn't even stay in the hospital on the first night
  
• And apparently has no empathy for the birth of his first child.
  

 

And you can continue to love that?!! Those are all qualities that would make me go "Ewww, and I had sex with you? GROSS!" I thank God that the idea of loving someone you described is absolutely unfathomable to me.

 

Jlola, I think you hit the nail on the head with the sociopath description. Thank you for that. It helps me understand a little more. A little.

It is all a bit ridiculous. I guess since I know he didn't want kids with her in the first place I can understand why he's acted so inappropriately. I actually had a conversation about this with him. I felt like maybe he was being this way to make me feel better in some twisted way, ie "if I act like I don't care about my w or baby then TL won't be as upset". I told him I don't want anyone treating someone like he treats her on my account but all he could say is he simply doesn't care about her. He just does the bare minimum that he has to and goes about his day. Again, regardless of me, wtf stay married and have a kid if this is the case and all he had to say was that he's a "complete moron". And yes, yes he is.

[TaintedLuv]

I am curious, were you privy to his conversations about having a baby with his wife? Did you hear her goad him into having a baby? Did you witness her strong arming him? Or are these just things he is telling you?

 

 

They used to fight about having a baby. This goes back six years at this point. When we first met, he was unhappy because she was supposedly hounding him for a baby. We were friendly for about nine months before we started falling for each other so we would discuss our relationships and whatever else. If ur point is how can I believe him, I get it but he has also told me lots of things that upset and anger me but he still told me so I don't think he's lying. He actually told her to leave three years ago and according to him she guilted him back in. I think for him guilt was a huge factor in staying. Not that it's a good reason but whatever. This also comes down to being a coward. For him it's easier to lie and hide his discontent rather than just saying what he feels.

 

I don't believe she strong armed him into trying for a baby. It was a matter of her never having one plus his guilt. At the time, I had gone NC for a few months when he decided to appease her. He figured I was gone forever so he should move his life along. None of this reasoning makes any sense really.

[jlola]

I have never in my life heard an estimate as high as 4% for sociopaths in the US. The DSM puts is at 1%, and the highest I've ever heard is 3%. Where did you get your numbers? 1% seems to be the agreed on percentage by most professionals and professional publications - which is a VERY small percentage of our population (US).

 

It's a bit frustrating to see people convincing others that someone is sociopathic or has a personality disorder as these are not common in the general population at all. Yes, people can have some symptoms or be symptomatic - we all can - but to be diagnosed with an Axis 2 disorder is rare - not common - and placed somewhere at 1% from all reliable sources.

 

To the OP: My guess is that he does not feel attached to his child because he does not feel attached to his wife. Not everyone falls in love with a child the second the child is born, particularly men - and probably especially men who have negative feelings about the mother of the child. With all that said, I still think he sounds cruel - towards you. Maybe he isn't, maybe he IS different with you - I hope that he is and his attitude towards his wife is situational and not his personality (not a disordered personality, because I can't say one way or the other - some people just have a ****ty personality, doesn't mean it's an Axis 2 personality disorder).

 

Depending on where you look,some say it is as high as 4%. Good book called "Sociopath next door' another called "Lovefraud" since sociopaths tend to be great at romance and attract many partners.

 

. As far as being alarmist,I do not think so. Cluster B,the relationship destroyers who happen to be very charming at first,very romantic,prone to infidelity ,but ultimate crazy makers make up close to 10% of U.S population. NPD,Borderline personality disorder,sociopath/psychopath,histrionic are not uncommon. Close to 1 in 10 for Cluster B personality is alarming and people should know about it and be aware. Most people have no idea what a PD is. Let alone understand what Cluster B is about.

 

When someone behaves in a way they have little empathy for spouse and child,can lead a double life,are manipulative ans controlling,it is always good to examine closely. Since they often will be the reason the relationship is toxic and crazy making.

Edited September 24, 2013 by jlola

[TaintedLuv]

Don't worry everyone. Apparently all the baby does is cry and he's been up every night taking care of him. He thought that would make me feel better that he's doing right by the child. Then he asked me if I wanted to see him because he knows how to comfort me when I'm upset and he knows this is one of the worst things ive ever gone through in my life.

 

I couldn't believe it what I was hearing. Wtf would he volunteer this information? I went into instant rage mode and all he had to say was I shouldn't be upset because even though he's with her, he's doing right by the child even if it was a mistake. I'm done. I need a new word for done. I blocked every form of contact listed on my phone. I'm even looking to move across the country. I need to start over and far away. This is too much for a person to handle. :'(

[whichwayisup]

Don't worry everyone. Apparently all the baby does is cry and he's been up every night taking care of him. He thought that would make me feel better that he's doing right by the child. Then he asked me if I wanted to see him because he knows how to comfort me when I'm upset and he knows this is one of the worst things ive ever gone through in my life.

 

I couldn't believe it what I was hearing. Wtf would he volunteer this information? I went into instant rage mode and all he had to say was I shouldn't be upset because even though he's with her, he's doing right by the child even if it was a mistake. I'm done. I need a new word for done. I blocked every form of contact listed on my phone. I'm even looking to move across the country. I need to start over and far away. This is too much for a person to handle. :'(

 

Good for you. If you can actually follow through on this and mean what you say, then you're better off.

 

Either he has lied to you about the birth of his baby and he's greatly exaggerated and lied to make you feel better, telling you those things or he's truly is a sick man.

 

DO NOT be afraid of the future. It's all yours to live! Without him!

 

REALLY push yourself to get over him, read all that you can to learn to let go and how to get someone out of your blood who is unhealthy for you. If you choose to hang onto him, break contact or continue the A your life will be unhappy and you'll feel awful all the time. Get help, see a therapist because if you let this scum-ass.hole back in, it'll mess you up even more.

[TaintedLuv]

Thanks everyone. I hope I can do this for myself. I haven't slept, ate or done much since it happened. I've been having really bad chest pain too. I don't know what's real or not anymore but I've been sticking to the forum to keep myself strong and in NC. If he truly wanted to be with me, he could've years when when we were in our 20s and before he had a child but he just stayed put. I have to keep telling myself that because if I don't, I'm going to lose it and i already feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

[Patrice]

No, you will be well ... get out and do things for you, and avoid anything to do with him. You are heartsick about a person who lied to you, and somebody you trusted who burned you. That isn't worth your time, your future, your health - these guys never change. Go through your grief process for that .. read some Kubler-Ross .. but, don't neglect YOU and your health ..