Why am I not happy in my relationship?

[rainbow.fairy]

This is going to be pretty long, so I apologize in advance! Background: Both in hour early twenties, been together nearly two years now.

 

When we first starting dating things were going super well. He worked very hard to get me and actually courted me, which was a refreshing surprise as I had never experienced that before. Bought me flowers, always took me out, and was allll over me physically. It was fabulous.

 

He still buys me little things here and there, which shows me he cares and enjoys surprising me. But the physical side of our relationship is hardly there anymore unless I initiate it in some sense. If you could call it that, I've become extremely awkward in my approach since I feel he doesn't want to sleep with me, so my attempts are very half-hearted and I get upset that there is no spontaneous, "want to rip your clothes off now" type of attitude coming from him. He tells me I need to make more of an attempt to seduce him...why would I? I hardly feel sexy around him anymore.

 

I guess another huge issue I have in my relationship with him is that it feels like things are progressing sooooo slowly. He wants to marry in his 30s, and I'd like to marry a bit earlier than that. Maybe 26-28 if I'm stable enough to do so. Provided we're together for awhile, am I supposed to go around calling him my boyfriend for ten or so years? I'd also enjoying the opportunity to move in together - I just think it makes sense. But he flip flops every other day it seems with that decision, with "Oh, I'm ready, it would be great, blah blah blah" to "I'm not ready for that yet. I need my space". It leaves me feeling really hurt and confused.

 

I moved several hours away from my city to be with him in his hometown. It wasn't entirely for him, I wanted to give myself a chance to see and explore a new city with new opportunities. But it seems our relationship has only become more stressful and difficult these past few months. I feel like he takes me for granted, that this relationship is more one-sided than anything, and that he feels that he doesn't need to work to make us work out anymore.

 

I need guidance.

[soccerrprp]

 

I guess another huge issue I have in my relationship with him is that it feels like things are progressing sooooo slowly. He wants to marry in his 30s, and I'd like to marry a bit earlier than that. Maybe 26-28 if I'm stable enough to do so. Provided we're together for awhile, am I supposed to go around calling him my boyfriend for ten or so years? I'd also enjoying the opportunity to move in together - I just think it makes sense. But he flip flops every other day it seems with that decision, with "Oh, I'm ready, it would be great, blah blah blah" to "I'm not ready for that yet. I need my space". It leaves me feeling really hurt and confused.

 

I moved several hours away from my city to be with him in his hometown. It wasn't entirely for him, I wanted to give myself a chance to see and explore a new city with new opportunities. But it seems our relationship has only become more stressful and difficult these past few months. I feel like he takes me for granted, that this relationship is more one-sided than anything, and that he feels that he doesn't need to work to make us work out anymore.

 

I need guidance.

 

Honey, the honeymoon is over. You are correct in thinking that he doesn't feel that he needs to put in as much work, worse, he may no longer feel as strong for you as he once did.

 

In his 30s!!??? What a load of crap! He's telling you that he doesn't see the two of you together LT and you are correct, don't wait 5+ years for some major commitment on his part. Ridiculous. If he doesn't know by now or within the next year or two, honey, he doesn't want you.

 

I am sorry, but I have heard about too many of you ladies, especially, sticking around with a guy 3-4+ years for the question to happen and more importantly, for the wedding to proceed. Crazy....

[rainbow.fairy]

9122013, I've gained about 15 pounds since we started going together. He told me he wasn't bothered by it and I do believe it, especially since his ex-girlfriend was considerably large and I'm nowhere near her size.

 

He's gained a bit of weight too since we started dating, and I wonder if that may have lowered his self esteem.

[soccerrprp]

9122013, I've gained about 15 pounds since we started going together. He told me he wasn't bothered by it and I do believe it, especially since his ex-girlfriend was considerably large and I'm nowhere near her size.

 

He's gained a bit of weight too since we started dating, and I wonder if that may have lowered his self esteem.

 

Please, please be careful about providing excuses. So, the question in my mind is did he gain the weight b/c he became complacent or did he become complacent b/c he gained the weight? Either way, I see that we has decided to not give as much into the relationship as he once did....

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is a perfect example of how many twenty something relationships start an end, perpetuated by these beliefs, fantasies and timelines/expectations of how things are supposed to progress.

 

The reality is things change once the honeymoon period is over (anywhere from six months to three years depending on the people and circumstances) and that's when you really find out if you've got something that will stand the test of time, or start to.

 

Because all that initial emotional surges and endorphins that allow you to "romanticize" your relationship often times turn into empty promises and fleeting or indecisive feelings because they were said and felt in the moment. And therefore with the reality at hand, the rose-colored glasses tilted off a bit, you can really start to think out what you actually want to do with this relationship and your life...whether you're really happy and ready for the kind of commitment that you think you know what it takes of course...all by the age of early 20's and with little experience under your belt...I mean what could possibly go wrong?

 

And because of that fact, due to your inexperience and age...you still want to push towards this figurative and imaginative line of where your "expectations" land in your ultimate desire to be married and make babies because you've already had that figured out just like everyone else before "mr. right" or moreso "mr. almost right" steps through your door...after all, what do you have to compare to right? this must be.....it? hell, why not!

 

Now you're likely going to get a lot of people coming in here saying that age isn't relevant, and my grand papa met my grand mama in 1945 and they've been married forever or my parents have been married and yadda yadda yadda gave me a good example...but if you take a step back from story time and live in present day 2013...you'll come to realize that we live in a world that actually gives you an opportunity to grow up and mature without being obligated or influenced...at least as much, by family or social expectations...you're not useless for not being married by 25 these days, although of course it'll be less impressive to your friends and to yourself.

 

You're doing what most people do...and that's ok to an extent for you age....your putting your expectations, your ideals, your "plan" ahead of the actual condition of your relationship. Now...most people aren't wise enough to figure that out, after all easier said than done once you got the emotions pining over you telling you that "maybe it could work out"....maybe there's "potential" and all that crap...maybe I can "force this" because I don't want to be alone, find somebody else, yadda yadda same ole stories...so whether this actually serves any purpose or usefulness to you right now is probably expected.

 

But in any case...just realize that your problems or issues in your relationship do not just "go away"...you don't just achieve this milestone and then everything just kind of sort of works itself out...this isn't fantasy land...this is real life...whether you choose to accept that or not.

 

The reality is this guy...like many other young twenty somethings probably and most definitely isn't ready for this kind of commitment at this time in his life and honestly if you knew any better, if you could magically transport into your future more experienced and wise self in 10 years, you'd realize that neither would you, assuming you learned a thing or two by then, some people just take any experience as necessary...people also argue that "some people" are just not ready by your age, but I honestly think development wise, people aren't, nobody truly is, doesn't mean you can't or won't do it anyway...people just want to believe that based on their own beliefs and agenda, because they themselves supposedly know themselves so well that they always know what is right (yeah talk to me in 10 years about that).

 

But if this guy stays true to how he feels, he will feel that little punching midget inside of him egging him on that he just isn't ready, that something isn't right inside of himself and that has a lot to do with why he is withdrawing...he's young, not a lot of experience and would probably like to live a little and maybe some plans in between he'd like to do be for he settles on down into this predictable life with you...and if he's a smart guy, he'll do the right thing and break it off instead of string this thing out, and get the balls to pursue the things he really wants...although I'm sure you'll guilt him and prod him about how much he really loves you and why he's "giving up"...especially after that you've done for him by moving to his town, and how much you've "invested" together (women love that excuse for dragging it on).

 

You're so ahead of yourself though and you're so young, you'll probably just want to stick things out...then when the relationship ends or doesn't work out, which it will likely do..then you'll just feel like you wasted so much time and now the weight of your fantasy and world will rest on the shoulders of some random guy in Online Dating or what not. Or even worse, you'll get married and then probably be divorced by the time you're my age...32, after all that's what happens to most, but you're probably the exception right? eh, you probably haven't even really thought about it anyway.

 

You're focusing on the destination instead of the condition of the relationship, that'll be your downfall for the both of you and one day things are just going to all come to a head and you're just going to be "surprised" and "confused" because finally your issues and problems in your relationship were actually a reflection and even a sign of something more and significant...in which you thought would just simply go away and improve somehow, even though you really have no idea how if you thought about it.

 

I know you think it's all about "love" and your little rainbow fairy princess castle with your prince in arms, and maybe your little raggedy head bratty children running around..but look, just learn.....just freaking learn, open your mind and pay attention to those nagging feels and learn to communicate with him....win or lose that is going to go a loooong way. Life doesn't work the way you think it does, and it's unfortunately....even though I know you want it bad to be simple, like a billion other women out there....like if this should be the basic necessity of life to accomplish...but it's not...it's about yourself, it's about you...not him, not this relationship because if this doesn't "work out" and you tried but failed or you finally corralled him into this commitment he clearly doesn't want right now you're going to realize that nothing you do completely works...because you can't control another person, they have to want, need, desire the same things you do....that's when it works seamlessly.

 

Until then....fight my child, fight! Fight for a promise you can't earn because it must be given.

[crederer]

This is the way relationships work. The spark fades. Does he have other qualities you see in a partner?

 

And waiting for marriage is not a slight against you, he is not ready for one reason or another and it probably has little to do with you but more so to do with his aspirations, financials, education, etc.

[soccerrprp]

This is the way relationships work. The spark fades. Does he have other qualities you see in a partner?

 

And waiting for marriage is not a slight against you, he is not ready for one reason or another and it probably has little to do with you but more so to do with his aspirations, financials, education, etc.

 

True true........and it has to do with you!

[rainbow.fairy]

This is a perfect example of how many twenty something relationships start an end, perpetuated by these beliefs, fantasies and timelines/expectations of how things are supposed to progress.

 

The reality is things change once the honeymoon period is over (anywhere from six months to three years depending on the people and circumstances) and that's when you really find out if you've got something that will stand the test of time, or start to.

 

Because all that initial emotional surges and endorphins that allow you to "romanticize" your relationship often times turn into empty promises and fleeting or indecisive feelings because they were said and felt in the moment. And therefore with the reality at hand, the rose-colored glasses tilted off a bit, you can really start to think out what you actually want to do with this relationship and your life...whether you're really happy and ready for the kind of commitment that you think you know what it takes of course...all by the age of early 20's and with little experience under your belt...I mean what could possibly go wrong?

 

And because of that fact, due to your inexperience and age...you still want to push towards this figurative and imaginative line of where your "expectations" land in your ultimate desire to be married and make babies because you've already had that figured out just like everyone else before "mr. right" or moreso "mr. almost right" steps through your door...after all, what do you have to compare to right? this must be.....it? hell, why not!

 

Now you're likely going to get a lot of people coming in here saying that age isn't relevant, and my grand papa met my grand mama in 1945 and they've been married forever or my parents have been married and yadda yadda yadda gave me a good example...but if you take a step back from story time and live in present day 2013...you'll come to realize that we live in a world that actually gives you an opportunity to grow up and mature without being obligated or influenced...at least as much, by family or social expectations...you're not useless for not being married by 25 these days, although of course it'll be less impressive to your friends and to yourself.

 

You're doing what most people do...and that's ok to an extent for you age....your putting your expectations, your ideals, your "plan" ahead of the actual condition of your relationship. Now...most people aren't wise enough to figure that out, after all easier said than done once you got the emotions pining over you telling you that "maybe it could work out"....maybe there's "potential" and all that crap...maybe I can "force this" because I don't want to be alone, find somebody else, yadda yadda same ole stories...so whether this actually serves any purpose or usefulness to you right now is probably expected.

 

But in any case...just realize that your problems or issues in your relationship do not just "go away"...you don't just achieve this milestone and then everything just kind of sort of works itself out...this isn't fantasy land...this is real life...whether you choose to accept that or not.

 

The reality is this guy...like many other young twenty somethings probably and most definitely isn't ready for this kind of commitment at this time in his life and honestly if you knew any better, if you could magically transport into your future more experienced and wise self in 10 years, you'd realize that neither would you, assuming you learned a thing or two by then, some people just take any experience as necessary...people also argue that "some people" are just not ready by your age, but I honestly think development wise, people aren't, nobody truly is, doesn't mean you can't or won't do it anyway...people just want to believe that based on their own beliefs and agenda, because they themselves supposedly know themselves so well that they always know what is right (yeah talk to me in 10 years about that).

 

But if this guy stays true to how he feels, he will feel that little punching midget inside of him egging him on that he just isn't ready, that something isn't right inside of himself and that has a lot to do with why he is withdrawing...he's young, not a lot of experience and would probably like to live a little and maybe some plans in between he'd like to do be for he settles on down into this predictable life with you...and if he's a smart guy, he'll do the right thing and break it off instead of string this thing out, and get the balls to pursue the things he really wants...although I'm sure you'll guilt him and prod him about how much he really loves you and why he's "giving up"...especially after that you've done for him by moving to his town, and how much you've "invested" together (women love that excuse for dragging it on).

 

You're so ahead of yourself though and you're so young, you'll probably just want to stick things out...then when the relationship ends or doesn't work out, which it will likely do..then you'll just feel like you wasted so much time and now the weight of your fantasy and world will rest on the shoulders of some random guy in Online Dating or what not. Or even worse, you'll get married and then probably be divorced by the time you're my age...32, after all that's what happens to most, but you're probably the exception right? eh, you probably haven't even really thought about it anyway.

 

You're focusing on the destination instead of the condition of the relationship, that'll be your downfall for the both of you and one day things are just going to all come to a head and you're just going to be "surprised" and "confused" because finally your issues and problems in your relationship were actually a reflection and even a sign of something more and significant...in which you thought would just simply go away and improve somehow, even though you really have no idea how if you thought about it.

 

I know you think it's all about "love" and your little rainbow fairy princess castle with your prince in arms, and maybe your little raggedy head bratty children running around..but look, just learn.....just freaking learn, open your mind and pay attention to those nagging feels and learn to communicate with him....win or lose that is going to go a loooong way. Life doesn't work the way you think it does, and it's unfortunately....even though I know you want it bad to be simple, like a billion other women out there....like if this should be the basic necessity of life to accomplish...but it's not...it's about yourself, it's about you...not him, not this relationship because if this doesn't "work out" and you tried but failed or you finally corralled him into this commitment he clearly doesn't want right now you're going to realize that nothing you do completely works...because you can't control another person, they have to want, need, desire the same things you do....that's when it works seamlessly.

 

Until then....fight my child, fight! Fight for a promise you can't earn because it must be given.

 

After filtering through the majority of your seemingly condescending post, the bit of advice you gave is decent.

[Copelandsanity]

At your early 20's, the both of you are way too young to be thinking about marriage. Maybe you two end up working out or perhaps not, but there are years of life experience to be had. Neither of you will be the same person 5+ years from now; the both of you will evolve. Live life, and don't stick to a rigid timeline. It can only end up in disappointment for yourself and be a nag to your boyfriend.

 

If you want to jumpstart your sex life, I suggest being proactive in making changes. Lose the weight, get in great shape, be open to experiment sexually. That could mean having sex in public, talking dirty, role playing, using toys, acting dominant or submissive. Start a discussion with him on what he likes sexually and what you like sexually.

 

In the end, if you or the both of you continue to be unhappy in the relationship, then perhaps it's time to break up. In the meantime, think about what you have to offer in the relationship. I've read about he has to offer, but what you have of value for him? All I know is that you've gained 15 lbs., and I don't mean to put you down, but that's normally a significant negative, especially in your age group.

[Ninjainpajamas]

After filtering through the majority of your seemingly condescending post, the bit of advice you gave is decent.

 

It's always descent, you just gotta get over the fact that I'm an @sshole sometimes.

[rainbow.fairy]

If you want to jumpstart your sex life, I suggest being proactive in making changes. Lose the weight, get in great shape, be open to experiment sexually. That could mean having sex in public, talking dirty, role playing, using toys, acting dominant or submissive. Start a discussion with him on what he likes sexually and what you like sexually.

 

I've definitely tried all of that, and he gets nervous and starts acting silly about it - perhaps performance anxiety.

[soccerrprp]

I've definitely tried all of that, and he gets nervous and starts acting silly about it - perhaps performance anxiety.

 

Yeah, perhaps.

[Copelandsanity]

I've definitely tried all of that, and he gets nervous and starts acting silly about it - perhaps performance anxiety.

 

At some juncture, the both of you need to have an honest discussion about it since it's obviously an aspect of your relationship that's important to you. You need to find out what the issue is and address it together. It could be attraction, it could be his insecurity, it could be completely something else. And you need to make sure you express how important this is to you and your relationship.