egalew Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 If you had the chance to say or ask the BS one thing, what would it be? I have many.
bentleychic Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I honestly cannot think of anything. 1
Rollercoaster Rider Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I honestly don't think I want to know anything...you probably won't like what she has to say. And at the end of the day, it will probably hurt more then anything. The only question I would have for her... is why and how she stayed after D-day. The answer to that still has me curious. Especially seeing that her husband and I are still together.... 2
Goodbye Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I would want to hear what the exMM told her...when he allegedly "confessed." 1
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I honestly don't think I want to know anything...you probably won't like what she has to say. And at the end of the day, it will probably hurt more then anything. The only question I would have for her... is why and how she stayed after D-day. The answer to that still has me curious. Especially seeing that her husband and I are still together.... They have a history together, family entwined. Possibly children as well. Some can forgive cheating, some can't. She very well may believe your A is over, thanks to her skilled lying husband. If she asked you why you're still with him, what would you say? 1
Rollercoaster Rider Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 At this point..I would tell her the truth. Right after D- day, I told him to go and fix his marriage. I told him he cannot reconcile with me in the picture, he kept saying how much he needs me in his life. It's been 13 months since D- day. We are still back and forth, neither can walk away. I tried just last week, told him no more..I cannot handle this anymore. He sat on the phone pleading with me to please just talk to him. Well, an hour later and we were talking like nothing happened.... the rollercoaster ride from Hell. I am pathetic, I suppose.... because I cannot honestly say why I am still with him.
Pastypop Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I would want to know who he truly is, how many times he's cheated on her, what he said about me and tell her what he said about her.
Whisper Quiet Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I would apologize to her. This is something that has been weighing on my mind. Guilt for my part in the A overwhelms me. The A is over, and as far as I know, she does not know about me. I would not initiate contact just to apologize -- i dont want to cause distress to her, but if she contacted me I would offer my sincerest apology and answer her questions honestly, but as kindly as possible. She deserves honesty and kindness. This apology may be on he horizon. xMM relocated to my town ago under the pretense of separating from BS. I don't think she knew they were "separated". She is now making plans to relocate closer to WH. It is a small town and you eventually run into everybody. 2
canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I would ask her what bull he tells her that would make her thing he isn't seeing me anymore. Dday was almost 2 years ago and he has somehow convinced her that we are not together. I would also say I'm sorry she's and I are in love with a lying pos. 2
Rollercoaster Rider Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I would ask her what bull he tells her that would make her thing he isn't seeing me anymore. Dday was almost 2 years ago and he has somehow convinced her that we are not together. I would also say I'm sorry she's and I are in love with a lying pos. Do you ever wonder how they act at home?? I mean after DDay.. how to they act to keep the wife at ease that the affair is over?? That question is constantly in my head...
cocorico Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 If you had the chance to say or ask the BS one thing, what would it be? "For your own sanity, why don't you move on? It's been years..."
solostand Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 It just happened. I wasnt thinking of you. I did not intend to hurt you. My part had nothing to do with you.
Rollercoaster Rider Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 They say and do all of the same things they say and do to keep you hanging on too. They cry and apologize. They say it's you baby, I love you, YOU are my world, my life, I can't live without you. She was a mistake, she meant nothing, she had me confused. I learned my lesson, I swear it will never happen again.....blah, blah, blah. They come home with flowers, they rub our feet, they kiss our ass! You know, same ole **** they say to you So they do all that at home... and still manage to keep the affair going?? I don't know how. I mean with all that ass kissing why would they bother keeping the affair going?? Sounds like way to much work. Maybe that is the case though... or maybe that is just your situation. 1
zevahc Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 I would want to know if he knew anything...and then apologize for my actions. I would want to let him know that I feel his W needs serious help and IC...and then perhaps MC. Let him decide what he wants... Ask him if he truly loves her....understand the dynamics. But reality is...he owes me no answers...i would let him ask the questions. He deserves the answers..not me. 4
Robert Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 ****Moderators Note**** On topic posts only please and keep the insults and fighting off this thread or expect some infractions, Thanks
JourneyLady Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 "For your own sanity, why don't you move on? It's been years..." I'm curious... you may have posted this somewhere else, but how many years were they married? My ex and I were married three decades and it's been six years since the divorce. Can't say I could ever really "get over" the person who knew me most intimately in my entire life. I have, of course, tried to move on -- but that hasn't gone well. Not yet, at least. Seems like the longer I am away from him, the more I appreciate who he was (and is, when I know about it). So if I was asked that, that is what I would say. It's a long history. I could say one word (of many) and he would know what I was talking about, and vice versa. 4
cocorico Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I'm curious... you may have posted this somewhere else, but how many years were they married? My ex and I were married three decades and it's been six years since the divorce. Can't say I could ever really "get over" the person who knew me most intimately in my entire life. I have, of course, tried to move on -- but that hasn't gone well. Not yet, at least. Seems like the longer I am away from him, the more I appreciate who he was (and is, when I know about it). So if I was asked that, that is what I would say. It's a long history. I could say one word (of many) and he would know what I was talking about, and vice versa. They were together about the same length of time, in what everyone describes as a very toxic R, at least for him. I could well imagine her thinking he was the one who knew her "most intimately", though she had been M before and has had at least one BF since - because their entire R revolved around her, how could he not? He, OTOH, has said he felt she did not know him at all, or rather, did not know (or care about) the man he had become, freeze-framing him as the shy teen she picked up in a bar all those years ago. So I don't think the same issues really apply - though perhaps given her age and subsequent lack of R success, she is looking back now and realising what she actually lost - even if at the time he told her he loved another and was leaving her, she refused to believe it because "who could possibly want you??" 1
maidai Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Simply.......Sorry I hear things are not going to well for you. For the record they are going really well for me. Now if you could just step aside please
cif Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I would tell her EVERYTHING and hope it hurts her. When she contacted me the first time I ignored her emails. And only responded briefly to her second after I was done with exBF because she was so nasty and I hate drama.
crederer Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I honestly cannot think of anything. Ignorance is bliss, eh?
bentleychic Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Ignorance is bliss, eh? I'm not ignorant about this in the least. I wouldn't ask her anything because she doesn't owe me anything. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 post dday, depending on how that went and what she was searching for, I would ask her if she wanted to read our years worth of texts.
ladydesigner Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I would tell her EVERYTHING and hope it hurts her. When she contacted me the first time I ignored her emails. And only responded briefly to her second after I was done with exBF because she was so nasty and I hate drama. Wow i find it amazing when OW feel this way towards a BS. You should be angry with your MM or ex than at her. She reacted to the pain you and her boyfriend put her through. Sorry I don't get this at all. 2
JourneyLady Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 They were together about the same length of time, in what everyone describes as a very toxic R, at least for him. I could well imagine her thinking he was the one who knew her "most intimately", though she had been M before and has had at least one BF since - because their entire R revolved around her, how could he not? He, OTOH, has said he felt she did not know him at all, or rather, did not know (or care about) the man he had become, freeze-framing him as the shy teen she picked up in a bar all those years ago. So I don't think the same issues really apply - though perhaps given her age and subsequent lack of R success, she is looking back now and realising what she actually lost - even if at the time he told her he loved another and was leaving her, she refused to believe it because "who could possibly want you??" Ah... hmmm... well except for the bar scene, that could have been me I suppose. I know for myself, I wanted to know my ex-hubs better but he was constantly holding back on his emotions. Child of alcoholic parents, he'd learned to squash them so deeply he wasn't in touch with himself at all most of the time. I'm sure he wasn't "afraid" to reveal himself to his AP, because after all - she started out as his "friend" and he didn't have anything to lose. He held stuff in partly being confused about his emotions and partly because he was afraid of confrontations with me -- I suppose because I might walk? In the end, HE walked, of course, so there was nothing to be afraid of. Except that he has never had to deal with the feeling of being abandoned. I, on the other hand, didn't like myself at all - ESPECIALLY compared to my ex-hubs. He, so cool and calm and holding in all the time and I couldn't do any of that. As a result, even my own mother liked him more than she did me -- as did the rest of my family. I hated myself. Therein lay the problem, not with my ex. He may feel she never knew him, and he may be right. The question is how much of him did he "hold back" and will he continue to do that when subsequent relationships get touchy? My ex-hubs avoids confrontation and I think he has a tendency to still do that. He's had no reason to change, because he's never been alone completely. As for me, yes -- I know what I lost. I knew it immediately and tried to do something about it -- but to no avail. He simply got fed up with me and "for better or for worse" doesn't apply to mental illnesses in most cases anymore. I stayed in a relationship for five years with someone -even worse- than I had been and discovered the other side. I wouldn't do it again, but am grateful for the lesson. So it sounds like while the people are different, but a similar dynamic going on. Which is interesting. Wonder if it means the outcomes are predictable? In any case; I am still flabbergasted because my ex-hubs showed in so many ways that he loved me and I have a hard time believing that just disappears. He was asking me for 30 more years six months before he left. Words are just words, but there were many things that went beyond words. And I wonder if his (deserved) anger at me will ever recede to reveal them. Anger hides a lot of emotions: I am better at getting over ex-bf when I am angry at him. So if you want to know how someone could be the way I had been, I can certainly tell you. I'm ashamed of it of course - but I am still human and hurt like everyone else.
cif Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Wow i find it amazing when OW feel this way towards a BS. You should be angry with your MM or ex than at her. She reacted to the pain you and her boyfriend put her through. Sorry I don't get this at all. We've established xBF is a POS, what's her excuse? Assuming she knows he lied to me about her, she should be happy I stepped aside. instead she continues to be rude. Maybe that's just her nature... and in that case xBF is in a living hell of his own making. Why would anyone expect me to PRETEND I care about her feelings?
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