Complicated7985 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 It’s my first time posting on here…really need some help, peace of mind, something. My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me. Apparently, he just couldn't get over the fact that I was once married. He knew this going into the relationship, so it wasn't like I tried hiding it. It just made him uneasy and it got worse over time until he said that his feelings changed because of it. He said that he tried to work through it. A week prior to the break-up, he told me that this is the best relationship he's ever been in by far, that I'm right for him, his feelings for me are strong, we are a good fit, I compliment him well, etc. We had a really amazing relationship. However, the night of the break-up, he said that he was lying to himself about his feelings because he really wanted the relationship to work. A couple weeks after the split, I asked him if his feelings are friend-based. His answer was yes, but then I asked if he had any romantic feelings for me. He said that he didn't know and that it's complicated (a gray area). What does that mean? Does he just need time to figure out his issue to see how he really feels? This is his first real serious relationship. Is it possible he's running from his feelings? He said that he still cares for me a lot and it shows. He claims that this break-up has been really hard and that he has nothing to be happy about right now. Help He says that he has hope for us, but thinks he's being realistic in thinking that he won't get over the issue. My thinking is that time will help him get over it…at least, I’m hoping. I hope it does and then I hope he realizes that his feelings were true. Hopefully he'll realize that this issue was really silly in the grand scheme of things because we are so good together. The chemistry, communication, maturity, attraction and trust has always been overwhelmingly wonderful. Without this issue, we would be perfect. Does it sound like he needs time to figure things out or does it sound like it’s over for good? Is he running from his feelings? I have a million questions going through my head. Without this marriage issue, we’re perfectly happy. We make each other happy and make each other better people. If he can get over this issue, is it possible for him to feel like he once did? I know for women, once the fire is out, it’s out…is that true for men? I know he’s not over me…he doesn’t want to date and this has been hard for him. Not sure if it’s been as hard on him as it has been for me. He didn’t want me to throw our pictures away and if I had the urge to do so, he wanted to take them. He also still has our pictures up at his place. Also, he’s reading a book that I gave him a long time ago…it was a book intending to help him get over his issue (had hoped that it would help while we were still together). He hadn’t started reading it while we were together, but now he is. After reading all of this, please give me some insight. I’m heartbroken over the most amazing man I’ve ever known and trusted. What can I do to make him fall for me all over again or realize that he never lost it? Any help is much appreciated!!!
spiderowl Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I'm really sorry to hear of your pain. I can imagine the uncertainty and confusion is dreadful. Somehow I doubt that your previous marriage is the reason for his actions, but it is as good an excuse as any for someone who doesn't feel a relationship is quite right for him. I know you feel it is wonderful and right for you, but he clearly isn't feeling this way. Why wait for him to 'get over' his issues? This is just painful for you, to feel you are at the mercy of his decision. If he is not happy with you, then there is no point waiting around for him. Whatever his problem is, it's almost certainly not something you can fix. We either feel someone is right for us or we don't. I've been through something similar in the past, where he needs space to think through his feelings. It was agonising because I truly believed that's what he was doing. I didn't realise it is the prelude to a break up. There are probably exceptions to this, but it doesn't alter the fact that your fate is currently in his hands. He has all the power. Well, you could take that power back and decide this for him. Just a thought.
Author Complicated7985 Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I'm really sorry to hear of your pain. I can imagine the uncertainty and confusion is dreadful. Somehow I doubt that your previous marriage is the reason for his actions, but it is as good an excuse as any for someone who doesn't feel a relationship is quite right for him. I know you feel it is wonderful and right for you, but he clearly isn't feeling this way. Why wait for him to 'get over' his issues? This is just painful for you, to feel you are at the mercy of his decision. If he is not happy with you, then there is no point waiting around for him. Whatever his problem is, it's almost certainly not something you can fix. We either feel someone is right for us or we don't. I've been through something similar in the past, where he needs space to think through his feelings. It was agonising because I truly believed that's what he was doing. I didn't realise it is the prelude to a break up. There are probably exceptions to this, but it doesn't alter the fact that your fate is currently in his hands. He has all the power. Well, you could take that power back and decide this for him. Just a thought. Thank you for your help and I completely understand what you're saying. At first, I didn't want to believe it was the marriage that was really coming between us, but then I started thinking back. When my divorce was final, I hadn't quite moved all of my stuff out of the house. He and I had been dating for a month or so. Many times we came close to being intimate, but he always pulled back. I have a point to this, I promise. Finally, one night, the closest we got to going through with it, he pulled away again and told me why. He didn't want to do anything until I was completely his, which meant having no ties (or my stuff) to my ex. I guess he felt that as long as I had my stuff at my ex's house, I wasn't really his to have. So, I really do believe that the marriage was an issue. Apparently, he always had reservations about it, but it just became a bigger burden the longer we were together and the closer we got. It's so hard to want to give up, you know? Especially, if it feels like there's a chance.
r321148 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Some people really do have an issue with this and do need time. I think especially as it's his first proper relationship he may be feeling intimidated by your experience. I guess it wouldn't help if you hadn't cut all ties with your ex when you guys got together. I know this is no help but there are lots of ways it could go and there is no real way of knowing. Give him time and he may decide he loves you enough that it isn't an issue. Give him time and he may decide he can't deal with it. Or there is the possibility that the marriage isn't the real issue at all. I guess you need to decide what you can cope with. If you decide to wait around you have to be prepared for the fact that he may not ever come around. One thing you know is that you can't do anything to change his mind and pressuring him will make things worse. He needs to make the decision and the ball is pretty much in his court as far as the relationship goes. You need to focus on yourself and doing what is right for you. Sorry that's not much help! Good luck with it. Hope you find a solution. 1
lylat333 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 I agree w/ r321148. I know you want to do something to swing things in your favor, but the best thing to do is respect the space he needs to sort out some of his feelings. Asking, "What can I do to make him fall for me all over again or realize that he never lost it?" isn't the way to look at it. Doing anything to fight for this will only intensify the level of emotions which will end up driving him further away. I think if you give it a little bit of time, he won't be so worked up which will be be create a more favorable situation for you. I too wish you luck. In the meantime you be the best person you can be. When you come back into contact with him, maintain a positive outlook! Try to bring positive emotions to the table, not negative ones.
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