Seperated and talking to new guy that say's he don't want a relationship.what do i do

[sexyfire99]

Hello,

 

I have a few questions, about 4 weeks ago me and my husband split up, i have realized a lot of things and know that if he was to come back i would not take him back. I have a guy friend that i have been hanging out with eversince about one week after we split up. He is currentley been seperated for 3 years and just sighned divorce papers in march. My husband was the first one i ever had sex with although i have now found out it was not that great i just thought it was, One week after we split this guy came over, i have been friends with him for two or three years, and have always liked him, but would never cheat on my husband, he came to the house and we watched movies and he started playing in my hair, messaging my back and holding me wanting to listen to everything i had to say weather it was about my husband or not, well this lead to us kissing and messing around but i told him that i would not have sex with him, and if i did it would be a very long time before that happen and he was fine with that, so on saturday night he came back over and we watched another movie and ended up messing around again that night, we still did not have sex, we talked on the phone on sunday and i met him at the bowling alley and then we hung out till like 3:00 in the morning but we talked and messed around and he told me to give him a hug before we left and to call him when i got home and let him know i got there ok so i did. but he said i was scarring him cause he felt like i wanted more and i told him i had just got out of my marriage and that i did not want a relationship but maybe later so we agreed to be just friends, but he still continues to call me on his way to work, when he gets off of work, on his lunch break and other times of the day when he is working, he came over to watch a movie and we ended up messing around again and this time i decided i wanted more so we had sex but before i did i stoped and asked him if he would regret it because every time before that we had messed around he said we had to stop, we could not keep doing this, that it was wrong, but this time he said no he would not regret doing this and ask me if i would and i said no, so we continued and then after we got through he acted like he was scared or something and left quicker than normal, when he got home he called to let me know he got their ok. He then came over on saturday night and we watched a movie and hung out and then after the movie we done the same thing we had done a couple of nights before and i am really getting attatched to this guy, durifng the movie he held my hands, played with my hands and everything a normal relationship would do. As i said before he calls me every day and he also calls me at night when he gets in bed to go to sleep, i tell him before i get off the phone good night and he tells me good night and he will talk to me tomorrow, but i can't understand why he says he just wants to be friends, i love hanging out with him and talking to him and this has really helped me get through my seperatinon, but is he doing it just to make me feel better, as far as i know i am his first since he got out of his marriage and he has not even dated anyone since then, does he just not know how to go about getting back in a reltionship and he's scared or is it the fact that he was cheated on and hurt so bad he scared of that hapening again, or what can someone please help me. Don't get me wrong their are a plenty of times that we have hung out with out having sex or any thing and he does not force it .

[Ladyjane14]

Chances are he's saying what he means. He wants to be 'friends....with benefits' of course. He's not looking for commitment. He wants sex.

 

It's up to you to decide if that's also what you want. If you do want more, I'd suggest you stop 'giving-up-the-milk-for-free'. If not, then accept the relationship for what it is, and just go have fun.

[sexyfire99]

if he just wants sex then why does he tell me that we need to stop and he tries to stop but i continue to mess around and we end up having sex. I honestley wonder if he just does not know how to go about getting back in a relationship, this guy is not someone who cares about nothing but sex if that was the case i would not be his first in three years. But why was i his first in three years, he has a lot of girl friends that we hang out with but he don't call them all the time and tell them when he gets to work, calls me on his lunch and calls me on his way home and then calls me when he goes to bed and tells me good night

[Ladyjane14]

Could be that he's not quite as "separated" as he wants you to think. Could be that he has a persistant STD. Could be performance anxiety. Could be that he enjoys allowing you to be the sexual initiator, (you become the aggressor, while he plays coy). Lots of things spring to mind.

 

Could be that he IS commitment phobic. But if so, why initiate so much contact in calling you 5 times a day?

[sexyfire99]

that is why i don't understand it, we have everything a relationship would have except saying we are dating or in a relationship.

[sexyfire99]

Also could it be i have not been out of my marriage but about a month and he is scared i will go back to my husband and do you think i should wait for him to get ready for a relationship, it has been three years for him, if he don't have feelings for me why does he want a hug before i leave when we go somewhere, and want me to call him when i get home to let him know i am ok. is their something i can do to make him decide it is time for him to try a new relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

The litmus test on what his specific interest is in you?.......Taking sex out of the equation for a while.

 

If his interest isn't in a caring, committed relationship with you. He'll move on.

[sexyfire99]

What if i take sex out of it and he continues to call me, flirt with me all the time, try kissing me and hangs out with me, everything we are doing now but without the sex, then what do i do wait for him to decide he wants a relationship or move on, i really like this guy and always have. Christmas and Thanksgiving is coming up and i put my christmas stuff up and the past few days i have been really upset because i know i will be bymyself for christmas and i have talked to him crying my eyes out and he says i want be bymyself for christmas that he will be there. what does this mean