I messed up and broke NC

[JDPT]

I am not sure about everyone else, but I would never want to do/send anything that implied I hadn't moved on.

 

At the start of your letter you said 'before I move on'

 

Really early in my bu I said 'everything reminds me of you', and it still bothers me to this day that I had said that. (everything did remind me of him, we were together almost 9 years)

 

I think on a psychological level it gives them so much power. It is stupid but I imagine him thinking about me now and saying to himself 'HA! I bet she is still always reminded of me'. It is petty to think of that I know, but still..

 

Anyway, now I barely think of him, and when I do it isn't longing for him or anything even slightly emotional. I regret giving him any energy after the break up, it was about two weeks we stayed in contact, I didn't beg or plead or cry in front of him, I was reasonable and kind. Wish I had told him to go f*** himself. Retrospect sucks.

 

I absolutely agree in retrospect I would have told her "I only worry about me and give a fawk about you...."

[reddragon588]

You've already sent it. No need to beat yourself up over something you can't change. Instead, learn from the experience and implement those lessons in your life going forward. We all make mistakes and it's about what you learn from those mistakes, not the mistake itself.

[Viro12]

I think in a sense, I do rationalized myself it for closure. I got thinking that if I don't do this will I have regrets later? I went ahead and did it anyways.

 

I knew in the back of my mind that this is going to be counter-productive she didn't left me because there was a lack of love from me, but because her needs changed from having a person to having a person and work through time.

 

I also think that maybe by writing this letter and not having a clean break, maybe she'll say something hurting that'll really kill my hopes.

 

I have too much compassion, so it's very easy for me to rationalize and have hopes even when I know the situation is dead. It's not logical, maybe it's just out of me missing her so much that I went to grab on to a chance I know that isn't going to work. She's not a little girl, and me going for this chance is immature and self destructive.

 

I have learned and lost my self respect at the same time. I never thought I'd be this desperate for someone that I want pain as long as it's from her.

[RiceaRoni]

Realize your mistake and promise yourself not to break it again.

 

I understand how you feel.

 

When my first boyfriend broke up with me..I used to always want to write him letters of how much I loved him, etc.

 

And I literally had to come onto LS to stop myself, and people here helped me stop myself as well.

 

If you have another urge to break NC and write her again.

Get out a piece of paper, write everything you've ever wanted to write...and then throw it away. I had to this multiple times in order to get myself to stop, and get all my emotions out.

 

It helped me significantly. Or you can come on here and write.

 

As for closure...I've learned it's something we have to find for ourselves.

You aren't going to get closure from your ex. I've tried.

 

Even now that my first ex and I are on good terms, he still never told me his real reason for breaking up with me, and it's already been a year.

 

You have to create it for yourself, it's difficult and it takes time, but eventually you just let everything go...there's no set amount of time...just one day you wake up..and everything is peaceful. Just let yourself feel those emotions. cry if you need to, write when you need to, go to the gym, take a late night drive...do what you gotta do to help yourself move along and give yourself closure.

[lovelylilly]

Don't worry about it too much, you did something on impulse and as mentioned before we are only human. I feel like we make mistakes so we learn from them, so maybe you wont do something like this irrationally again. I hope this doesn't end up making you feel worse. Just get ready because she probably will respond.