I messed up and broke NC

[Viro12]

Original thread,

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/422397-break-up-letter-need-analyzing-i-don-t-know

 

 

Hey ex-love,

 

It's been a month since you broke up with me, and I went through all different stages of pain, grief, regret, and anger. Things were not black and white like how I wanted it to be, it turned out to be 50 shades of grey (haha).

 

I spent a lot of time thinking about our relationship. For the most part of it, I focused the true love I had for you, in return for your fake love. I felt that you didn't care about me or my feelings and was very selfish in leaving me for your coworker. I spent on time dwelling on the letter you sent me about your work problems and your passion which I consider them to be minor problems that can be over looked, but to you it was very important. I went crazy trying to figure out your immaturity, lack of commitment, and your image of a fairy tale love. I went over fake scenarios of what I could have done to reverse the situation.

 

All of this is based on the fact that you didn't love me for who I am, but what I did for you.

 

This is not your fault, you didn't purposely led me on for two years. I know for a long while, you wanted me to stay with you forever. As your first love, you did what you could only do, it was to try. Through our time together and your life changes, you figured out what you wanted in a person. It's tragic that I wasn't that person. However, I came to realize a commitment without your love inside it would be fake and unfair to both of us. In result, you wouldn't have been the girl I so hopelessly fell in love for.

 

I know you lied to me, but it was to reduce the pain in me.

 

I know that you didn't realize your feelings for two days and then you broke up with me. Truth is you been attracted to him for quite a while now. You were attracted and you accepted and warmed up to him in your heart. You didn't just have feelings for him, you were falling for him. I noticed the changes in you and I made sure we watched a romantic break up movie together. I noticed your uneasiness while watching that movie, and when you asked me if I was breaking up with you. It was then that I knew you were gone, but I was too stubborn to admit it. I don't want to think about the validity of yoga lessons you've been having. However based on your courage and hurt in writing that honest break up letter to me. I believe that you didn't physically cheated on me as you could have taken the easy way out by not writing that letter. At least, I know that honest straightforwardness I loved about you was true.

 

Oh, my ex-love, after I figured these out I was at peace for a while before I started caring about your well being.

 

I was worried the guy isn't what you see him to be. I was so worried that he will hurt you after his work visa expire. I was worried that your coworker relationship would encounter problems such as work and life blending into one, work problems leaking and ruining your relationship. I was worried that maybe you will be isolated by your coworkers after your relationship comes out in the open. I was so worried that you'd get hurt, and you won't have anyone to count on. That one day you'd cry in your sleep with no one to comfort you. You left me, but I want you to have a happy life, a life without regrets and suffering.

 

I had all these worries that weren't my own and it was tearing me apart that I couldn't help you when the time comes. To this very moment I still care for your well being, but I realized that you would have to walk this path without me for your own growth. You would have learn and adapt to find your happiness at the end of the tunnel. Not carrying these problems with you is the best gift I have for you for your growth as well as my own.

 

In the end I wasn't right for you, and you couldn't appreciate me and my love for you. We didn't deserve each other. The love I had for you will always be in my heart. The memories we've had will always be my fondest memories.

 

We are both amazing in our own ways. I hope we can find our own happiness at the end of the tunnel soon.

 

I know we will both live in each other's hearts.

 

Good bye, the girl I loved.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Viro12

[Ireallydontknow]

Very nice. I guess that's what happened to me? I'm not sure, you're lucky if you really have everything sorted out in your mind about the BU, I on the other hand am still trying to figure it out. Great job, also good work on making sure you said you weren't going to send it.

[Viro12]

Very nice. I guess that's what happened to me? I'm not sure, you're lucky if you really have everything sorted out in your mind about the BU, I on the other hand am still trying to figure it out. Great job, also good work on making sure you said you weren't going to send it.

 

Well I think this letter, even if I send it wouldn't matter. But it's always better not sending

[Ireallydontknow]

Yep screw her to be honest. They are the ones who threw us away for whatever reason.

[Viro12]

Yep screw her to be honest. They are the ones who threw us away for whatever reason.

 

She needed to grow and figure herself out lol

[Viro12]

Hey guys!

 

I would like to share my progress 1 month and 6 days since my break up. It's a story that I found out to be amazing and I want to share with you guys.

 

I'm 23 and she's 25 and we've been together for 2 years long distance. 1 month ago she left me for her coworker. I'm her first love. After break-up I went and asked her for the reasons because I feel that I deserved the right to know. She wrote me a letter explaining why.

 

The reasons in summary are that she wants to have someone who can solve her work problems. Someone to bounce ideas off of and spark her creativity. Someone that can guide her in her career at the same time she can support in a way. Someone who isn't me . She stated that he reads her mind and they feel like 1 person but also 2 separate people at the same time. She also said that although our connection always has been good, it was never as strong as the connection she shares with this guy. She stated that she knows for a fact that we can be happy together, but it would only be to an extent. She said that I'll always will be dear to her in her heart.

 

In the end she admitted that she loved me because she was scared and alone in a new environment and that she used me as a stepping stone.

 

All of theses reasons did not provide a closure for me. I can't blame her because in her first love all she could do was to try. She changed and found that we aren't compatible anymore. I also can't blame myself because I feel it isn't because of something I did.

 

I went crazy analyzing what she said trying to find a closure. It was on my mind everyday and every moment. In the end I was so hurt and tired that I realized the reasons she wrote can be true or bull**** and that it does not matter. The fact is she left me for someone else.

 

I was lucky to climb out of that pit but I immediately fell into another one.

 

I became worried about her, so worried that I didn't care what was going through me. She's dating a guy that has 1 year left in working visa. I'm not saying that I don't judgement, I trust her ability to make the right choices for herself. However, I am worried for the fact that she sacrificed everything we've had for a gamble for this guy. When she does this it's also putting so much hopes and dreams on to the success of this relationship that is borderline crazy. When she's so fixated on this guy, I'm afraid her judgement would be clouded, and at that state she's very easy to be led on. I'm afraid that if this doesn't work out she'll be devastated. Even though I wasn't the perfect boyfriend for her, but I did give her trust, honesty, passion and security which are qualities that are molded into the expectations of relationships. I'm afraid that those qualities will be damaged. This worrying-state is a pit I'm still trying to climb out of and I'm doing well.

 

I realized that I'm in no position right now to help her. Even the slightest advice "if you want something real, you have to take it slow" got her annoyed at me. I also realized it is not my business.

 

Then an amazing happened to me that changed the way I think and explained my progress when it's only been 1 month and 6 days.

 

Upon reflection of my relationship with with her I realized that my love for her is true and very genuine to the point I surprised myself and I'm proud that I capable of giving true love to someone for the very first time. I remember that when we met I didn't even like her. I saw the bad qualities in her, she wasn't smart, caring or funny, pretty, and most importantly she was selfish. However, I saw the passion of her to pursue her life and career and this gave her courage. I know that this is a quality of her that'll never change and it's a quality I'll always admire. It's amazing that how much she shines when she talked about her passion. She was so persistent in pursuing us that little by little I felt she is worth it that I was ignoring all the red flags with long distance and first love. I came into the relationship telling myself that I accept all her flaws and the amazing thing was I fell in love with everyone of them. Her not smart became simple and genuine, her lack of caring and humor became a tranquility I found my peace in, her looks turned from mediocre to very good looking for me, her selfishness which goes hand to hand with her ambition is something I've always loved and it burns like a torch that defines her. It's amazing how you can name every flaw about them and yet you love them for what they are.

 

Then I realized that this love I have for her is what helped me recover so quickly. That I was able to genuinely forgive her without regret, sadness, and resentment. That I can be at peace and even be happy that she can go and find her happiness even if it's not with me. I can take her happiness and make it unto my own happiness. It's also the love that gives me the strength to improve myself. In one month, I feel lucky to have accomplished so many things. I appreciate and love life in a way never before. I got back in touch with some old friends and appreciate those that care about me more. I went working out and gained some muscles. I started doing activities that I once found boring but after trying them found them to be interesting and challenging. I went networking and with a pure stroke of luck I found a mentor that was willing to advice me in my career. This love I have for her enables me to do that and carry my day with happiness.

I am proud to discover that I can love someone so deeply. I know what it means now when true love conquers all, it really is, even during a break up like this. I am proud the part I took in her life molding her expectations of a relationship. I am happy of the memories that we've had together. If I can do it again, I'd do it 1000 times even I know how it ends. She was worth it because she made me capable.

 

This is why that I'm confident and able to help her pick up her pieces if her relationship goes wrong. I may be hurt, but I won't be hurt permanently, I'll help move her along in the next chapter of her life if she needs it. I will always care for her, but in varying degrees through time. I will be there for her as a true friend. This doesn't mean that I have some hero complex, but it's simply due to the fact that she doesn't have a support group of friends that she can confide in like other girls.

 

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I want to get back together. I don't see a future with her. Once I start my career not in her city, I won't be able to make that sacrifice to move to her even if she comes back when trust has been broken to this extent. If she really wants it, she will have to move a mountain with actions and not words to prove it to me that she can love me even when she didn't really love me the first time.

 

I will not wait for her, I can love harder and smarter next time when love finds me again with this love I'm capable of giving.

 

Love is amazing and you really can find peace if you love deep enough.

 

To the dumpers and dumpees reading this, may you find peace and happiness in your heart one way or the other.

 

It's my joy and honor to share this with you guys, and may you find it pleasurable to read.

 

I've caught up in my mind, but my body still wakes up at 4 am everyday feeling extra vulnerable with a huge hole in my chest. That will eventually pass I hope.

 

Viro12

Edited September 21, 2013 by Viro12

[hurts2death]

another gigs...

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

another gigs...

 

Lol no its not.......

 

Good for you OP! I love to read stuff like this!

[Viro12]

Lol no its not.......

 

Good for you OP! I love to read stuff like this!

 

It could be GIGS why isn't it GIGS o.o?

[hurts2death]

think of it....

coworker

career?

 

thats classic gigs

 

-john

[Nancy87]

only if true love could serve to be of any advantage to us as well

 

These are the phases of grief...

 

Denial,

Anger,

Bargaining,

Depression

Acceptance..

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Not EVERYTHING is gigs. Because someone wants out of a relationship does NOT mean its because they think the "grass is greener."

 

People can leave because they dont feel what they did for that person anymore. She found someone, yes, but it seemed she just wasnt feeling the same for you anymore for a bit. She did tell you that "she admitted that she loved me because she was scared and alone in a new environment and that she used me as a stepping stone" Again, it really doesnt matter at this point....ALL OF THIS IS OVERANALYZING. You dont need it because it seems you are already doing better because you are getting closure from yourself.

 

Looking for reasons like GIGS, they are afraid of commitment, etc etc etc does NOTHING but just keep you IN the situation deeper.

[Viro12]

Not EVERYTHING is gigs. Because someone wants out of a relationship does NOT mean its because they think the "grass is greener."

 

People can leave because they dont feel what they did for that person anymore. She found someone, yes, but it seemed she just wasnt feeling the same for you anymore for a bit. She did tell you that "she admitted that she loved me because she was scared and alone in a new environment and that she used me as a stepping stone" Again, it really doesnt matter at this point....ALL OF THIS IS OVERANALYZING. You dont need it because it seems you are already doing better because you are getting closure from yourself.

 

Looking for reasons like GIGS, they are afraid of commitment, etc etc etc does NOTHING but just keep you IN the situation deeper.

 

Yea I agree, even if it is GIGS it'll be years that she realize work isn't everything about life. This break up was different because work was consuming her life, she probably wanted to end it with or without the guy eventually.

[Viro12]

I have regrets as to not telling her how much I loved her and on IMPLUSE i sent her this e-mail. I've failed. Help guys!

 

Hey,

 

It's been well, but I feel like I have to tell you this before I move on. I don't want to have regrets.

I just want to tell you how much I loved you, whatever it amounts to for you.

 

I want to tell you, when we've met, I didn't even like you. In fact I saw all the bad qualities within you.

you weren't pretty, kind and caring (expressing it), smart and above all you were selfish. But you had

a passion towards life and your career and that gave you courage. I saw it and I knew that it's a part of

you I can always admire, and it's a part of you that burns like a torch and that it defines you.

 

I know the dangers of a long distance, and being your first love or crush. But after seeing you stick

by my side after I cold shouldered you several times. I felt that you are worth it.

 

I went into our relationship accepting all of your flaws. The amazing thing was I fell in love with

every single one of them. Not pretty became amazingly cute, not smart became simple and genuine,

not kind and caring (expressing it) became a tranquility I came to find my peace in. As for your ambition

/selfishness is a quality I know I can keep falling in love to.

 

I loved your every detail.

 

I know that your decision wasn't based on if I change or not but because of your life changes.

 

You used to just need a person, and I was there. Now you need a person and work, a person to take care

of both at the same time. I just want you to know I loved you because I needed you, but at the same time I needed you because I loved you.

 

Because of this love, I can be happy that you went and search for your happiness and I wish you find it with him.

It's also what's been pushing me for the past month to not break down to sulk, but pursue in the activities that benefits my life. It's what makes me moves on knowing you are at a better place. Life is amazing and has so much to offer when you see it.

 

I'm done. Sorry to bother you again.

[JoelBarish]

Oh man, to tell you the truth I didn't even read your letter. Why? Because I've written hundreds of goodbye/closure letters just like that myself.

 

We always think we are being so original - if we can just express PERFECTLY just how MUCH we really REALLY care for them, it might change the other person's mind.

 

Problem is if I, as a guy, have written those type of letters before to other women, chances are she's read plenty of those kind of letters herself from other guys. And chances are, she won't be impressed.

[Viro12]

Oh man, to tell you the truth I didn't even read your letter. Why? Because I've written hundreds of goodbye/closure letters just like that myself.

 

We always think we are being so original - if we can just express PERFECTLY just how MUCH we really REALLY care for them, it might change the other person's mind.

 

Problem is if I, as a guy, have written those type of letters before to other women, chances are she's read plenty of those kind of letters herself from other guys. And chances are, she won't be impressed.

 

I know, I was impulsive. I thought what the harm it's going to do. Now i feel like a giant idiot. She made her decision I need to respect space and I didn't.

[JoelBarish]

I know, I was impulsive. I thought what the harm it's going to do. Now i feel like a giant idiot. She made her decision I need to respect space and I didn't.

 

Relax, you are only human. We live and learn.

[Viro12]

Relax, you are only human. We live and learn.

 

I just thought it's so harmelss until i sent it.

[halifaxboy]

No offense but this "closure" thing is a crock as well...what if they died? Do you get closure? No of course not, "closure" is a way for you to get the last say in...it's not real and regardless the outcome is the same. Its a grasp ...let it/her go..she did to you..whats the harm? It's setting you back and moving her/him forward even quicker..

[todreaminblue]

you would be really surprised when people say the closure letter is done to death....how very few people send them ...because everybody tells them not to as it is old hack...truth is hardly anyone sends a closure letter.....i sent one to my ex and he actually thanked me..well it was nice i never said anything bad....told him i will always love him and i needed to write it and move on to where life was taking me.....lol....cue whitney.....cough ahem....cheese city....anyway...i am glad i sent it....it may have looked stupid to some....but i dont mind stupid.....as long as whatever stupid i do, feels the right kind of stupid to me...and now i cant get that whitney song out of my head......i actually like dolly parton's version better ......anyhooo

 

 

so send the letter if you feel it is the right stupid for you too....the part that you said at first might be taken with offence though, as a woman....if some guy told me you werent pretty at all when i first met you.....i would think that pretty whack....and bit neggish...i think i would get stuck there.......and fail to read the good things that were said because the negatives are so front and center................deb

[Viro12]

No offense but this "closure" thing is a crock as well...what if they died? Do you get closure? No of course not, "closure" is a way for you to get the last say in...it's not real and regardless the outcome is the same. Its a grasp ...let it/her go..she did to you..whats the harm? It's setting you back and moving her/him forward even quicker..

 

I realize this and I regret it.

[JoelBarish]

so send the letter if you feel it is the right stupid for you too....the part that you said at first might be taken with offence though, as a woman....if some guy told me you werent pretty at all when i first met you.....i would think that pretty whack....and bit neggish...i think i would get stuck there.......and fail to read the good things that were said because the negatives are so front and center................deb

 

I take it as he already sent the letter in email. So did it help him feel closure? It must not have if he wrote this post saying he messed up.

 

So now, one of three things will happen:

 

1). She is really moved and replies to him that she wants him back.

 

2). She is only slightly moved and gives a polite "thank you" response .

 

3). She ignores him completely with no response.

 

More than likely she will go with door #2 or #3 and if so, he most likely will have the pain of rejection and loss all over again.

[Viro12]

There is no cure for stupidity.

[JDPT]

To be honest I didn't get to read the whole either as it was taking me to a bad place that I no longer wish to visit. But I do know one thing is that you may feel instant gratification but get ready for the rollercoaster to come ahead. Hey, we all break NC sooner or later and I can certainly attest to that but what's most important is what you get out of this experience. I would suggest to make this work in your favor and simply live and learn. We all go through our trials and tribulations, this is a perfect time to learn from this. Don't be yourself over this, dust yourself off and back on the saddle. Remember, the most important person at this point in your life is YOU.

[melell]

I am not sure about everyone else, but I would never want to do/send anything that implied I hadn't moved on.

 

At the start of your letter you said 'before I move on'

 

Really early in my bu I said 'everything reminds me of you', and it still bothers me to this day that I had said that. (everything did remind me of him, we were together almost 9 years)

 

I think on a psychological level it gives them so much power. It is stupid but I imagine him thinking about me now and saying to himself 'HA! I bet she is still always reminded of me'. It is petty to think of that I know, but still..

 

Anyway, now I barely think of him, and when I do it isn't longing for him or anything even slightly emotional. I regret giving him any energy after the break up, it was about two weeks we stayed in contact, I didn't beg or plead or cry in front of him, I was reasonable and kind. Wish I had told him to go f*** himself. Retrospect sucks.