Anms999 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Hi, this is my first post and i need to get something off my chest and understand if there are others that also suffer, that perhaps i can learn from and save my marriage. My wife and i are both in our early 40s and have two wonderful children of 8 and 12. We have been married for 15 years. The last 2 years has seen a serious decline in our sex life whereby we now dont have sex at all. In fact its just twice in the last 12 months. Sex was up and down after the kids but we kept things at twice a month, sometimes more and we were good together. But i started to notice that my wife then really only wanted sex when she had had a drink after a night out, and then in time it was always initiated by me. Long story short it went longer and longer in between to the point my wife just locked up on me when i tried it on. She says she loves me and i do believe her, and she says she doenst know why she feels this way and has given alot of reassurance of her feelings towards me, but still no sex. She has started to withdraw into herself and rarely shows any affection. I homestly think she may be suffering from depression, it seems to run in her family. We still go out and have fun and all the things two people in love do, but there just isnt any interest in sex from her. I know this sounds selfish. We are at the point after a long emotional heart to heart, where she has agreed to see her doctor to start the process of understanding why she feels this way. But i know her well and she rarely talks about her feelings to anyone, and i suspect this doctors appointment wont happen. She admitted she was dreading it. But i am giving her space and time to make this step, she says she wants to do this alone, but i just feel it wont happen. I am really arraid that this situation will continue to manifest itself and our marriage will break down. I still have a very high sex drive and its driving me to desperation not to be able to have the closeness with someone i love very much and i am scared of what the future may hold. The last things i want is to seperate but i also not sure of spending a lifetime without sex and perhaps seperating and be without my family whom i love very much Has anyone else gone through this and come through the other side?
FitChick Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 She could be experiencing early menopause. She should have her hormones checked. Once they are balanced she will feel better and have increased sex drive. She might only be low in testosterone. Similar symptoms come from being hypothyroid. Has she gained weight and is she tired most of the time? If her hormones test okay, she should not take antidepressants which only treat symptoms of menopause and not the cause. You might investigate a couples marriage weekend where they recapture romance or something like that. I don't know who sponsors them. Or take a weekend break to learn tantric sex. Take a class in erotic massage. Take her away to a nice BnD without the kids. If you can't afford that, send her to a day spa for pampering, then when she returns, take her out to dinner and give her a few drinks since that loosens her up.
Author Anms999 Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 Thanks for the reply. She does seem to have recently had fluctuating weight which is bringing some worry to her, and also she is tired. Most evenings just sees her sit motionless watching the TV without much energy for anything after the kids go to bed. We had discussed the possibility of early menopause so its reassuring to hear you mention this. The biggest step is getting her to the doctors to see if this is the case. I know its tearing her up but she is so dreading of making an appointment. I dont want to push and make her worse. Just got to give her time and support.
Leegh Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I don't know, that is a tough one. Did she start taking anything new (supplements) that could have caused this? Sometimes even herbal supplements can have side effects. This situation really isn't fair to you, for you to go long-term, possibly years in a sexless marriage. Sex of course isn't the only thing in a marriage, but it is very important. Not trying to get personal, but if you know her history with past boyfriends (before you and she were married) perhaps there was a similar situation.
crederer Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Depression, in my experience, has a big factor in this. I mean.....let's reverse roles here, if she was wanting sex and you didn't, but you knew she wanted it badly, wouldn't you just do it for her sake if you cared about her? Like, is it so horrible that you can't just suck it up for 20 minutes? This has more to do with her than you. Hope you figure it out. It's not a divorce situation, though. 1
hudson701 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Feel for you here. I was clinically depressed for the best part of 3 years- especially bad at the start of this year. Zero sex drive, no interest in females whatsoever. Relationship broke down. Received treatment and 8 months later I feel the happiest I've ever been. Sex drive is now rampant again. Seriously, depression is all consuming and manifests itself in many different ways. Even aggressive amounts of exercise couldn't shake it for me- I had to seek medication. My only regret is not doing it years ago. I think your wife might be going through this. Get her to an endocrinologist ASAP and get her hormones checked, especially testosterone. 1
Robert Z Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Has anyone else gone through this and come through the other side? Sorry to say that my situation didn't work out. I went ten years without sex and then ended the marriage. There is a big difference though. My ex was deceptive and manipulative and wasn't even willing to try. She thought I was her mule and checkbook and could be used however she saw fit.
Author Anms999 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Hi, thanks for all the replies. Its reassuring to hear a common theme regarding hormones and early menopause. My wife seems more assertive to getting a doctors appointment next week. It can only go forward from here more positivley. Sorry to hear of the guy whose marriage ended, but your right your circumstances are very different. Hope you have managed to find some happiness from that situation Thanks everyone
carhill Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Some threads IMO worth reading: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/222743-would-you-stay-sexless-marriage http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/201696-if-you-want-sex-then-you-will-have-get-somewhere-else AFAIK, these guys are still married and the last OP posts here semi-regularly. Good luck.
dichotomy Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Been there.. Hormone checks and doctors, depression and meds, and more.. I do think you need to go through these steps however, as they could be a cause and need to be looked into. However, what is helping us (somewhat) is a good therapist - a woman who specializes in not only marriage therapy but sex therapy. No matter what happens - this therapist has been a blessing to my dealing with my wife's issues. Physical fitness can be a major source, the 40's an are were stuff starts to really go down hill if you don't take care of yourself and get moving. If she is on the couch I recommend brisk walks to start with.
Jim305 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 You don't sound selfish. And there's nothing wrong with what you're trying to do here. Any guy would fear a future without sex, especially when things start going in the direction they're going in for you. Yeah, I know what you mean about the doctor... I urge my fiancé to go & then as the appointment approaches I hear all sorts of excuses about why she has to cancel. Now she cancels without telling me, & gives me a bogus reason for it after the fact. This seems stupid - some of these symptoms could be signs of something serious; doesn't she want to get it checked out? But no, she really doesn't. I haven't been in this situation, don't know how it'll turn out, just wanted to say there's nothing wrong with you or what you want. Good luck!
FitChick Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Depression can have a physical cause (hormones, brain abnormality) or emotional cause. It's easiest to check the physical causes first. That may fix the problem. You don't want the doc to take the easy way out and just say "Take this anti-depressant for the next six months." That's why an endocrinologist is the doc of choice. He will not just do guesswork.
Sparty97 Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 Depression, in my experience, has a big factor in this. I mean.....let's reverse roles here, if she was wanting sex and you didn't, but you knew she wanted it badly, wouldn't you just do it for her sake if you cared about her? Like, is it so horrible that you can't just suck it up for 20 minutes? This has more to do with her than you. Hope you figure it out. It's not a divorce situation, though. It could be a divorce situation if it doesn't get better because let's face it...if it doesn't get better you know it's only going to get worse.
hudson701 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Feel for you here. I was clinically depressed for the best part of 3 years- especially bad at the start of this year. Zero sex drive, no interest in females whatsoever. Relationship broke down. Received treatment and 8 months later I feel the happiest I've ever been. Sex drive is now rampant again. Seriously, depression is all consuming and manifests itself in many different ways. Even aggressive amounts of exercise couldn't shake it for me- I had to seek medication. My only regret is not doing it years ago. I think your wife might be going through this. Get her to an endocrinologist ASAP and get her hormones checked, especially testosterone.
RBLL Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Hi, this is my first post and i need to get something off my chest and understand if there are others that also suffer, that perhaps i can learn from and save my marriage. My wife and i are both in our early 40s and have two wonderful children of 8 and 12. We have been married for 15 years. The last 2 years has seen a serious decline in our sex life whereby we now dont have sex at all. In fact its just twice in the last 12 months. Sex was up and down after the kids but we kept things at twice a month, sometimes more and we were good together. But i started to notice that my wife then really only wanted sex when she had had a drink after a night out, and then in time it was always initiated by me. Long story short it went longer and longer in between to the point my wife just locked up on me when i tried it on. She says she loves me and i do believe her, and she says she doenst know why she feels this way and has given alot of reassurance of her feelings towards me, but still no sex. She has started to withdraw into herself and rarely shows any affection. I homestly think she may be suffering from depression, it seems to run in her family. We still go out and have fun and all the things two people in love do, but there just isnt any interest in sex from her. I know this sounds selfish. We are at the point after a long emotional heart to heart, where she has agreed to see her doctor to start the process of understanding why she feels this way. But i know her well and she rarely talks about her feelings to anyone, and i suspect this doctors appointment wont happen. She admitted she was dreading it. But i am giving her space and time to make this step, she says she wants to do this alone, but i just feel it wont happen. I am really arraid that this situation will continue to manifest itself and our marriage will break down. I still have a very high sex drive and its driving me to desperation not to be able to have the closeness with someone i love very much and i am scared of what the future may hold. The last things i want is to seperate but i also not sure of spending a lifetime without sex and perhaps seperating and be without my family whom i love very much Has anyone else gone through this and come through the other side? My fiancee is going through the same thing. We're hoping the hormone therapy will fix it. If not, there's no point in tying the knot. Sex is 1/3 of a romantic man/woman relationship.
Sunfire73 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 It could be a lot of things, but in my experience, stress causes a lot of changes. Is she stressed out? It causes someone to be off especially as we grow older, whether it be emotional, hormonal, physical. She will have to help herself and change her lifestyle, from eating, exercising, and yes including getting hormones checked. It will take time but if she wants to improve, then she has to start the change.
central Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 Stress, hormones, relationship dissatisfaction, depression, and emotional/physical affairs are typical causes. If she wasn't always this way, then there's hope for improvement if the cause can be found and treated. However, even when there are treatments, some don't work for everyone, some aren't safe for everyone, and sometimes they will be rejected for whatever reason. If untreated, it will likely get worse, not better. Give it some time and see what happens. At some point, though, you may want to set a deadline and some expectations, and figure out what you'll do - and follow through - if they are not met. My ex was low drive from the moment she said "I do" - that was part of why she became my ex.
MMY Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 I agree with most folks here. I am around the same age, kids a little older but my W and I grew away from each other. She was a mom, wife, taxi, dr. accountant, etc and she worried about everything. She and her mom had a big falling out, I lost my job, bill, etc and she was on some type of antidepressant. Long story short, I ended up in an 18 mth A and I thought I was done but in the end we have made it through all the BS that has happened in our lives and we are closer now than ever. We did MC and we read a book called "His Needs Her Needs" and it opened our eyes to a lot of things we were both lacking in our relationship. I wish you the best and get things out in the open and DONT Do what I did. The A was the worst thing I have ever done.
Author Anms999 Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 Thanks for so many replies. Its been one week since our big heart to heart. I want to be supportive but need to balance out the need to be clear on expectations. I said i would leave her to get the doctors appointment sorted out herself, as it was a big thing for her. But how long should i wait before i start to become more demanding? I thought a couple or three weeks is enough before i start to push things. I know this sounds a bit selfish but after a year being patient and supportive i have an overwhelming sense of impatience to the whole thing and risk just making it worse by applying more pressure...any advice from someone on the outside?
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