Heartbroken and desperate

[Cressida]

Dear all, this is the first time I am posting about my personal drama here, so please anyone with a bit of insight and/or experience, help me with some advice. I feel like I can't take this anymore, there are days I feel ecstatic, others when I feel ripped apart. I don't know what to do or what to believe anymore. I'll try to keep it short and any advice or opinion is more than welcome.

 

I have been seeing a MM for about a year now. We both work in the same field, this is how we met, however he's much more experienced and successful than I am (25 years difference in age, I am 30). We both have sort of public jobs and because of that, I haven't told a single soul about him because I want to protect him and his image (no, we're not Hollywood stars, heh!).

 

He's been married for 30 years and ever since we started our story, he keeps telling me how happy I make him, how I am the love of his life, he mentioned marriage, attentive and careful about me, etc. I love him like I never loved someone in my life and I don't think I can give him up. We're alike in many ways, he's sensitive and charming and the perfect man for me...to a certain extent.

The situation with his W is rather complicated. Due to his job, they don't live together (in different countries, actually). However I didn't know they talk on the phone on a daily basis and he rather talks to her than his children (married and on their own now) and sometimes he spends 5 minutes on the phone, sometimes an hour discussing 'family issues'.

 

He told me he hasn't been intimate with her ever since he started seeing me, which implies that they'd been intimate up until then. They have a very interesting history together- married very young, he comes from a successful family and she doesn't, he was already on the way to having a career and she was a highschool graduate, he went against his parents to marry her (conservative Italian Catholics here), etc. He basically raised her, put her through college and put everything on a platter for her. He still spoils her terribly and every time they meet, she goes shopping and acts like a 20 year-old. He doesn't tell her 'i love you' or anything like that on the phone or in messages (he never talks in front of me but I used to eavesdrop, pls no judgment, you all OW must know what it's like in the beginning).

I am not materialistic and this isn't why I am with him, he's been ok with me in this respect (flowers, the occasional jewelry, etc). It's just that I got to thinking that money talks, bull**** walks with him and his wife given the amount of stuff he still buys her as presents (new car, dresses, imported shoes, etc.). I mean I don't care, but I observe.

 

I never told him anything negative about her (I know her) but twice I made snide remarks and he got incredibly mad, didn't speak with me for days, said that I disrespect his 'family'. Took me some effort to get him back on track.

He always says the nicest things about her (which infuriates me, I don't expect him to badmouth her but he could just not mention her) and always criticizes me, even when we're super good. On the other hand, he told me countless times how the only feelings for her are 'care' and 'respect' and he doesn't love her anymore....but his actions speak louder than words.

He could spend a whole day not talking to me because of something stupid but he would talk to her religiously on the phone. This drives me crazy because I feel I'm being taken for a ride.

 

Other than that, we have a wonderful time together, we click and the chemistry is crazy. We can literally read each other's thoughts and it isn't just something I made up in my mind. I know it might sound silly, but....He also introduced me to long time family friends whom he trusts completely.

 

Sometimes he says he'd 'consider' having a serious relationship with me as in leaving his wife, other times he invokes the age difference, the different backgrounds, his family obligations, with a tone that clearly implies 'this has no future'. He's also incredibly jealous and possessive, in the beginning it came from insecurity (was afraid I was going to find someone better/younger etc) but now it's just the thought and the idea, if he sees a man says hello to me, he gets mad and accuses me of 'talking' to men. When he calms down he's say he trusts me 100% (and I know he does), he just doesn't trust the circumstances that might make it possible for me to meet someone else.

 

What drives me mad and makes me feel heartbroken is the fact that I can't talk to him about anything that disturbs me (the inequity of our relationship, how I can't even see my friends while he stays glued on the phone with his wife and lavishes her with gifts- clear sign of loyalty imo) because he flares up and refuses to acknowledge this aspect, he says he loves me too much, and that's it. I stay mad, then come back to him because I love him.

 

I know he's a good man, he's done so much good in his life and he is well known and appreciated by everyone he's ever met. However sometimes I feel like I am being taken for an idiot by someone very intelligent and cunning. Other times I feel sad for him and want to show him how much I love him.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stay in this situation forever unless he divorces his wife (which I don't see possible even if in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned it, I think now he doesn't do it anymore out of guilt) and I'll just want to be friends. He says he never had an affair before (like a relationship) and that his wife never satisfied him. Then I don't understand why doesn't he divorce her?

 

When we're together, 90% of the time is pure bliss and happiness, complicity and pure and intense love. 10% is terrible and utter misery, hell and such negativity that I feel like my heart will just break, sorry for being cheesy but I can't describe it otherwise. He seems not to care if he hurts me just because he is married and I knew about it when we started our relationship. I asked him never to mention his wife and he didn't do it for a while, then he started again (to make positive remarks towards his wife and her 'career' that he created). That's what hurts me the most. He is attentive to practical stuff in my life (not as attentive as with his wife, not at all) but seems to ignore if I'm sad or upset (caused by him). He doesn't seem to care when I cry (he tries to comfort me but I feel the falseness of his gestures, he does it because it's annoying to him or smth). I only cried twice, btw

 

When he gets into his ignore mode, or saying mean stuff, I get into my fixing mode and don't say what I really feel like saying, slapping him and telling him to go to hell, which is something I would like to do with all my heart. Instead I baby him, I keep asking him to calm down and make up with me and all that crappy stuff I am even ashamed of myself to write. He never gets abusive (verbally or physically, G-d forbid!) but he can say the most hurtful things, then say he was just mad and he didn't mean it.

A few times when things got heated he said something in the realm of 'who do you think you are to do X, not even my wife does this!' which clearly sealed the deal imo.

 

My brother says he's mentally unstable, he is playing with me, he'll never leave his wife and doesn't love me, he just likes having someone who loves him and makes him feel like a man again. I don't know what to do!

Please help

Edited September 22, 2013 by Cressida

[Goodbye]

He is telling you that there is no future. I know you are in love with him, but you should be thankful he is being so direct about there being no future. He is not leaving his wife, physically or emotionally. He is treating you in a demeaning way. It seems he condescends to you, as he did his wife, before there many years together changed that.

 

Reading your post does not give me any feelings of hope, whatsoever. And I'm not one to dish out generic OW advice like "your story has been written a thousand times...etc." I've read OW stories that give me some hope for a reasonable ending. Yours does not because even during the "in love" phase, he is being pretty direct with you. He is into his wife. He criticizes you. He has given you reasons it will not work.

 

Please consider leaving him, going NC and working on yourself. You DO deserve better. He may seem like a successful, older, sophisticated international guy...but he is using you. Nothing romantic about that.

[tiernan]

I agree, his attitude towards you is not promising. His talking about his wife even worse. He clearly suggests you are worse than her. It is only a year for you, you haven't wasted dozens, it is still time to run away. Do it, and do it quickly.

[Cressida]

I know, I think the same way. What I can't understand is why would he tell me he doesn't love her, swear it, profess his undying love ('i will love you for the rest of my life'), then get ballistic when I say the smallest thing about this woman! I can't understand what he sees in her! She's old, unattractive, cold and distant (he introduced us, basically, so we'd 'be friends' so he'd have a reason to bring me to their family home. We're not friends but he always tries to involve me in their family and friends' activities). I don't understand him! Could it be that he's into her because of the guilt feelings, that he was educated to follow the 'til death do us part' principle?

I'm not trying to deny what you wrote here, it makes perfect sense unfortunately...but apart from this huge injury, the added insult is that he seems to prefer someone lower than I am and it's a huge blow to my self-esteem. What is wrong with this man.....

I don't know how to tell him? I would like to stay friends for the sake of the work-related thing. I also think I'd be devastated without him.

[tiernan]

I know, I think the same way. What I can't understand is why would he tell me he doesn't love her, swear it, profess his undying love ('i will love you for the rest of my life'), then get ballistic when I say the smallest thing about this woman! I can't understand what he sees in her! She's old, unattractive, cold and distant (he introduced us, basically, so we'd 'be friends' so he'd have a reason to bring me to their family home. We're not friends but he always tries to involve me in their family and friends' activities). I don't understand him! Could it be that he's into her because of the guilt feelings, that he was educated to follow the 'til death do us part' principle?

I'm not trying to deny what you wrote here, it makes perfect sense unfortunately...but apart from this huge injury, the added insult is that he seems to prefer someone lower than I am and it's a huge blow to my self-esteem. What is wrong with this man.....

I don't know how to tell him? I would like to stay friends for the sake of the work-related thing. I also think I'd be devastated without him.

 

His introducing you to his W and family is really sick and disgusting. It shows even further that he is not serious about you, but keeps you hanging on for the sake of convenience of future contacts. Don"t you try to figure it out why and what he sees in her, it is something you cannot change. Dump him or even better say that all you can offer is friendship as you recently have met someone in their 30s. Good luck!

[darkmoon]

tell him to come back single, I would

meanwhile date others, discreetly or otherwise

 

listen to your brother

 

"who do you think you are to do X, not even my wife does this!"

this is not exactly Barry White, is it?

Edited September 22, 2013 by darkmoon

[Cressida]

Let's be honest hon

 

YOUR 30!!! He's 55!!!

 

Don't waste your time on this old man! Tell him to take his midlife crisis elsewhere! He has made it clear that he isn't going to divorce his wife for you and again let's be honest....think about 20 years from now, your 50, he's 75 (if he hasn't died) you want to run him to doc every other day? Wipe his arse? feed him baby food when he's had a stroke? Make sure he's taken his meds?

 

Men get grouchier with age. It's just true. I wouldn't waste my time on this guy. You will only end up being a nurse maid to him and you are too young for that!

 

 

 

Why do YOU consider yourself above her? He doesn't allow you to disrespect her because she id his WIFE, you are a mistress. She is more important to him then you will ever be. If you are going to engage in an A = know your place.

YOU will never be above her. I thought maybe you were just confused and needed some help but the above statement just made me realize you aren't confused.....you WANT the life the WIFE has and it's driving you insane because you can't have it! What is wrong with you.....

YICK!!

 

I think I haven't expressed myself properly. I don't think I am above her in the sense of a better person than her, in general. I understand he must have married her for a reason despite my opinion. What I meant to say was what all women involved with an unavailable man think- he is unhappy for a reason, he is doing this with me for a reason, he likes me for a reason otherwise he wouldn't stray if she were perfect. I don't want the life she has, I love him, not their life together! And of course it doesn't feel good if after a year the man you're in a relationship with considers you WORSE than the woman he's theoretically running away from (i.e the A). It's just human feelings after all I guess.

The boggling thing is that I would have understood that our relationship changed so much over a year if he met someone else, if he was a serial cheater. Most men who go back to their wives (mentally) do it for the kids, financial reasons, the links between them, their history together, etc, not because they really feel like they are passionately in love with the woman they married 25 years ago! I might be biased but this is just the truth.

I probably should have rephrased it into- why is he treating me like this since he never demeaned me in the beginning..anyways. I guess I was just ranting. I love him so much, it's hard to understand certain things.

[waterwoman]

I can't understand what he sees in her! She's old....

 

 

Presumably he is just as old. As for attractive, that's purely subjective. I have a friend who is vibrant, beautiful, glowing with life desperately in love with a man I find utterly unappealing. Just because you think her unattractive, it doesn't follow that he does.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Emotional Mature is underrated.

 

Saying if his wife was so "perfect" is an emotional immature observation. Of course she isn't perfect...are you? Is anyone?

 

I think you are dead wrong on the reasons why men/women go back to their spouses.....most never fully left....did they.

 

Most cheaters were vulnerable for a myriad of reasons...not that they were so dis-satisfied with their marriage or family life. They themselves were deficient in some area...and had unhealthy coping mechanisms. When offered an easy out, they took it, threw caution to the wind, told themselves lies and went for it. However, reality starts to creep in...the affair and the ap lose their luster, the rose coloured glasses come off....and many are left feeling disgusted at what they did...and who they did it with. They are then at a place far worse from where they started. They threw away their self respect, character, morals, being the protector for their family. And to say they did it for lust...is such a blow to self.

[bentleychic]

he is unhappy for a reason, he is doing this with me for a reason, he likes me for a reason otherwise he wouldn't stray if she were perfect.

 

Naw, not all OW think that. He's not straying b/c of her. He's straying b/c of HIM.

 

(Disclaimer: I don't think anyone is perfect. I won't generalize completely on the above, though. I know sometimes there are issues with the BS, but ultimately cheating is completely on the WH/WW. It's a character flaw, if you will. Most "normal" people leave a relationship when they're unhappy if it cannot be worked on/fixed and no one can be blamed for that except the wayward spouse.)

[Quiet Storm]

HHe doesn't want a different wife. He just wants you to supplement what he already has.

 

Commitment, family ties, history are more important to most men than passionate and romantic love. Romance and passion are exciting, but they are not worth changing their lives for.

 

He will take whatever pieces of you that you are willing to give indefinitely. If you want a commited relationship, marriage, kids...then you are wasting precious time by investing yourself in this man. Dont let your emotions cloud your logic.

Edited September 22, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Cressida]

 

Nothing new here. You don't seem ready to let him go but you're wasting your time.

 

 

I am definitely not ready to let go, how many of the people on the OW/OM thread are? ...at least not at this point. However, I think I have to. There are a lot more aggravated circumstances so to speak.

I am not a little baby, I know I did something wrong but I just believed what he said...I asked him to the point of irritating him and he always said the same things, he'd even get mad if I didn't 'trust' him. My brother and sister say certain men, especially of a certain age and education, are well 'trained' and might be like this by nature.

I don't condemn his loyalty to his family or wife, on the contrary. It's a strange feeling. However I wish he was straightforward with me, if not in the beginning (what MM tells the prospective OW that all he needs is sex and a bit of companionship? he'd be politely directed to yellow pages for an escort agency...) then as things progressed. I hate that at my age I was duped. I still don't know what to believe. On one hand it seems so real, on the other one he's so mean whenever he tells me those things! Then he portrays himself as this lonely, sad lover who would do anything for me because he 'loves' me.

 

I really don't know what to think. We only had this conversation once, I told him I didn't like him mentioning his wife and he said he did it out of guilt. I told him he shouldn't feel guilty and he didn't say anything but that's the point when the references to his wife started to pop up frequently...my sister says he might even be doing it on purpose!

 

I know he cares about me but I was always afraid he cares more about someone else- in this case, his wife. It's irrelevant for how long they've been together or what history they have as long as it everything boils down to this aspect- that he is a cake eater and a liar. Even if he isn't a full liar, he still lied and when things started getting serious he pulled out his upper hand....

How do I fix this...

[bentleychic]

How do I fix this...

 

Walk away and try to find someone single and available. That's the only power that you really have to change anything.

[happy stillmore]

You fix this by saying goodbye to him. There is no solution in which you will be satisfied. You will never be #1. His wife holds that position.

[Cressida]

You fix this by saying goodbye to him. There is no solution in which you will be satisfied. You will never be #1. His wife holds that position.

 

Thanks for the cold shower, guys. I feel so embarrassed and bad at the same time. I always knew this in my gut yet was never ready to throw in the towel.

 

The thing is, logically speaking, he was like an open book that I didn't want to read. His words said nice things but his actions....the first time he shocked me was when he went to visit 'the family' for Christmas and I asked if he's going to consider being intimate with his wife, it was more sort of a conversation between both of us since we had barely started the relationship. His answer was , and I quote, 'I don't know, I might, I just want to be honest with you'. I didn't know what to say, how to react to that. I felt so incredibly bad, I thought he was joking or something, didn't understand what was going on. Then he kept happily e-mailing me from his home telling me that yay, nothing happened between him and his wife, yay, victory! I was so weirded out I didn't know what to say. What kind of person tells that to their OW about the W? My brother said he's either stupid, or insane, or both. Meh.

Then he started being very possessive, I thought he had just said that thing with 'I might' just to see my reaction since we were barely beginning our relationship at the time, etc.

 

Perhaps wanted to fool myself and I have honestly NEVER been disrespected, in any manner, by nobody.

I must sound the opposite, like one of the abuse victims who always invent excuses for the perpetrator and blame themselves, at the rate of what has been going on. It's only my fault for letting my feelings cloud my judgment.

I guess that both in my heart and in my mind I always knew nothing was going to happen but I liked to fool myself nothing was going to happen because he didn't have the guts to disrupt his family life and spoil his image by a divorce rather than seeing it for what it is, a lie and a pile of sh*t.

 

I guess I was giving myself these answers way before I posted here. I just needed someone objective to tell me this other than my siblings.

I hope nobody has to go through what I went through, like an idiot, blinded by his words and possessiveness which according to him were indicators of his 'immense' love for me. I thought, 'meeting his children, check, meeting his friends, check, going on holiday together, check' to make myself believe it was true and real. If his wife lived with him he wouldn't be doing any of this.

Anyways. I am such an idiot. I've been living with this impression, that to myself first of all, to him and to the rest of the world I am this huge idiot.

[happy stillmore]

Believe me, I know exactly what you are feeling. I believed everything he said. The countless sweet words that I longed for. I believed we were perfect for each other. I believed we both married the wrong person. If only we had met each other first....I was clouded too in believing finances and his girls are what kept him in his marriage. I began to realize he was following his wife's rules. (She was aware of our relationship) he was not allowed out of the house alone, couldn't text me, etc. I began to see he was clearly more afraid to hurt her than me. As long as he lived in the house, he couldn't disrespect her by seeing me. I would think he would have been motivated to find a way to move out in order to be free of these rules. But his salary was needed to pay their mortgage, (not sure I now believe that. I believe she could have afforded on her salary. But she portrayed it differently) the end of story is that he didn't fight for our love. He chose to stay there. I'm hoping to save you the immense heartache I feel. I never experienced a heartbreak like this in my life. I really didn't date. I married the only man I dated. If you are single, be happy you can move on easier than I can. I'm married and working towards a divorce and living on my own. Be strong. Love yourself enough to not settle for bread crumbs.

 

Why can't these MMs be true to themselves? Live life honestly. Divorce if they are not truly happy?

 

By the way, don't feel stupid. We are human. We made a mistake. A momentary lapse of reason.

Edited September 22, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Minnie09]

Given what you wrote you have two choices. 1) walk away and never look back or

 

2) play his game - but play it better than him; what I see is someone who enjoys being in control; his possessiveness is not love, it's control. Plain and simple. His talking to his W frequently, being loyal, respecting her and letting you know that this is how he feels about her means he likes to play by his own rules which do not necessarily apply to himself, but he likes to apply rules HE makes. And he expects you to follow them. Control. He brings you to his house as a family friend? His rules. He controls the situation. Listen, he doesn't love you. He likes the control he has over you. He sounds like an experienced cheater. He makes women unhappy, because he wants to and because he can. Don't you think he knows you are too weak to walk away? He's got you on a string like a puppet. It empowers him. You, the 25-year-younger mistress. Lovely. Don't give him that. Use him. and live your own life, too. Go out. Be unavailable. Be in control. Date. Don't "lie to him" about it like he doesn't lie to you about being intimate with his W. play his game. See what happens. You're the stronger one. You're young, educated, free to choose. Take control. Take it from him. And see what happens. You meet him on your terms, when you're available, when you've got nothing better to do. Don't be mean about it, don't threaten, just do it. Have a rich, full life with other guys who are interested in you. Friends. Lovers. Passion. And whatever time is left beyond that.....you can spend that time with him. But make him your second choice, not your priority. And watch how he reacts when his control over you decreases.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Why can't these MMs be true to themselves? Live life honestly.

 

That is only you projecting what you wanted for the outcome of the affair.

 

His truth is that he wanted a supplement, not another wife.

 

I shake my head at how many ow blame the wife for the mm's lack of commitment to the affair. Affairs are the antithesis of commitment. Why expect that?

[happy stillmore]

Always growing,,

 

Here we go again....I am not projecting my desired outcome onto the situation. I desire the MM be honest with themselves, his wife and OW! I am asking why can't the MM be honest to what they want: Do they want a side piece or are they looking for a relationship that is lacking in their married lives? If they can be honest, maybe OW would walk (run) if they fully understood what the situation was. In my case, MM presented his marriage as empty and unequal. He led me to believe we shared a romantic love and were partners.

 

While it is true the OW is wrong to enter a relationship with MM, the MM is at fault or often, even more at fault, as they are lying to wife and OW.

[AlwaysGrowing]

happy, how exactly would a married man convince a woman to be a piece on the side...if he told the truth? The only men that I know that can do this successful, use a service.

[AlwaysGrowing]

He didn't lead you to believe anything. You did that.

 

He already had a partner...you choose to ignore that little (massive) tidbit.

[happy stillmore]

Always,

 

They wouldn't and that is my point. These MMs that lie to get something are lower than low. I doubt Cressida went into this relationship thinking she was going to be used as a side piece. Likely, she went into this relationship as a lot of OWs do (me included) believing the MM was in an unhappy marriage and divorce was down the road.

 

OWs have as right to be angry when lied to as well.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You weren't lied to. You knew they are married. You choose to ignore it.

 

It bothers me, to see so many people go through life unconscious, then blame others for their own lack of self care.

 

It was your responsibility to YOU, to see it for what it clearly ALWAYS was.

[happy stillmore]

Why did I believe his marriage was empty and divorce was likely?....

 

Because he told me. I was wrong to believe his words. I am human after all.

 

Is this helping OP?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Learning how you let yourself down? Yes, it is helpful. It lets us know where we need to be more guarded, protect ourselves...from ourselves.

 

Insight...is extremely important. Especially in regards to ourselves.

 

If we keep our Self Respect intact, self esteem, self worth, value..automatically fall into place.