I keep blaming myself for the breakup

[juststan]

Hey all, I'm looking for some advice how to deal with a breakup.

We've been dating for few years, and both of us are in early 20's.

 

Short version:

My ex broke up with me, she was jealous and controlling, kept blaming me for all bad things in our relationship, and I started believing in those things, and I still blame myself.

 

Long version:

I have to say that I'm not a ladies man, I'm average looking, I'm shy, I rarely go out, I'm quite the introvert person. Anyhow, ever since I started dating this person she shown signs of jealousy, and I was accused that I was hitting on other girls online, therefore I had to stop all contact with all females that I ever talked to online.

 

After that other things started bothering her such as my friends, so I decided to spend less time with them, and eventually I would never see them, since I was with her every night. There were no boys nights, and even if I mention it she would get upset about it. I know I used to spend time with them, but I managed to see her every single night, but that wasn't enough.

 

Soon I started asking for more space, and I didn't really text her or call her that often, mostly because I was walking with eggshells with her, so I didn't want to do anything to upset her. However, I spent every night with her, although we didn't text.

 

Things got worse, and she started calling me selfish and such, because I don't call her, text her, don't give her enough attention. I feel like I sacrificed everything for that relationship, I lost several female acquaintances, I spend a lot less time with my friends, I would always drop anything that I were doing at the time, if she wanted to see me.

 

But according to her, I'm the one who always takes, I'm the one who is cold, the one who doesn't care enough, I'm the one who wants to be treated like a god, the stubborn one who always gets his way.

 

As things got worse, other people started interfering in our relationship, so she had flings with other guys when we would fight, and she always compared me to them, telling me that they were a lot better than me to her, but for some reason she always came back.

 

There was probably a lot more to tell, but this is already too long.

 

I know that I'm not a perfect guy, I have my flaws, but I keep blaming myself for the breakup. She always said that I deserved everything that happened to me in the relationship, and I've started to believe that. According to her, normal couples don't act like that, and in the end it turns out that I'm the toxic one in our relationship, that I've ruined it.

 

Now, my self-confidence is at zero, and I feel worthless, and sad part is that I would go back to her, I already did few times already, since I feel like I can't and that I don't deserve any better.

 

What should I do?

Edited September 22, 2013 by juststan

[RiceaRoni]

First know this.

 

It isn't your fault. No matter what she lead you to believe it isn't.

 

You did all you could to make her happy, you sacrificed so much for her, just to make sure she wouldn't be upset.. it's her fault to have made you feel this way.

 

 

I understand how you feel since I was treated in a similar way. I blamed myself for everything because my ex bf made it seem everything was my fault, but since he broke it off I've been able to take time for myself and see that He was the one with the issues.

 

You treated her the best you possibly could, and she still wasn't satisfied. It's an issue she has within herself. Low self esteem, insecurities, her past interfering with her present, etc..

 

Again nothing was your fault, if anything you deserve a far, more appreciative girlfriend.

[KatZee]

Wow. You were dating a serious sociopath.

 

You need to drill this into your head now. None of the relationship failing was your fault. It's truly odd to see the roles reversed here, usually it's the female who winds up in your position.

 

My good friend was in a relationship just like you describe here. He devalued her, blamed her for everything, wound up cheating on her all the time and then blamed her for it, would get angry and say it was because of things she did, he would rub things in her face how other girls were hotter than she was, and he successfully isolated her from her friends (myself included) and her family.

 

He completely brainwashed her to the point she had zero self esteem... just like you. She truly didn't think she could do any better than him and always took him back when he came back.

 

These people are SICK. Truly sick. They are a bit twisted in the head, they are all about control and manipulation, they never take any responsibility for what they do, all they do is deflect, blame, avoid, isolate, devalue... and it brings their victim to a point where they are so low, and so beaten down that they virtually own you.

 

Please stay far away from this psycho. There is nothing you can do to help her. Sociopaths do not feel love the way normal people do, they are incapable of it. Please reach out to your friends and rebuild your support network.

 

And in the future NEVER, EVER, compromise who you are and how you live your life for anyone. NEVER let someone tell you who you can and can't speak to.

[juststan]

Thanks for reading my long post, and taking time to answer.

 

I try to think that it's not my fault, but I can't shake the feeling that I could have done more.

 

One thing that bugs me is that my ex used to question herself thinking that she was too demanding, that something is wrong with her, and now I feel like I'm walking in her shoes.

 

She was always playing the victim card, telling me how I don't love her enough or don't care enough for her, but I almost sacrificed my relationship with my long-term friends for her, and I even quit my job because she didn't like it.

 

I kinda got the feeling that I have no right to say "No" or what I truly mean because it could get her mad. Don't get me wrong, she can be sweet and caring, but I feel that she can change in a second if I say something wrong (and this has happened before). I always feel some sort of angst when I'm with her, since I don't know how she will react.

 

She might start yelling, calling me names, or break up and have fling with somebody else.

 

I tried to be rational and explain to her that she might be overreacting, or not thinking clearly sometimes, but that just added fuel to the fire, since she misinterpreted for calling her crazy, or impulsive.