Should I let this go or is there something left to work on?

[Bubblebuble]

I am reposting with a lot of edits as my first post was not edited well and hard to read. Some insight would be much appreciated.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He pursued me as he liked a lot of my beliefs, morals and relationship values. We have a very good base.

 

At the time we met I was starting a career change which forces me to work 2 jobs as the new one I'm in has training for 2 years and it pays commission 2 months after the work is done.

 

After 6 months he insisted we move in together as it would be difficult to spend time together as we both have children and with me working some evenings.

 

We had our ups and downs but things were pretty good. I felt it was too soon but he insisted I was the one and he dated enough the last 5 years after his marriage dissolved that I was different and he just knew.

 

We both agreed its hard to find the same base beliefs and fundamentals in a partner that we have. I thought about it and agreed. We bought a brand new house together 6 months ago.

 

Prior to moving in he seemed very needy at times but this disappeared after moving in. (He suffers from a form of depression/anxiety/ADHD and takes meds daily for this). I figured it was related to that and accepted it as there are much worse things and I'm a strong believer that the grass isn't always greener.

 

Soon after moving in I noticed his mood swings. He'd become irritable at me and the kids for days. I'd stay pleasant and he would snap out if it.

 

It eventually got worse where it would last more days and he would be rude and very demanding and argumentative. As a rule I try to control myself but eventually I participated in the poor behavior and would argue back.

 

We developed a cycle. At one point I was feeling I had enough and was looking into selling our house.

 

He was upset and said we made a huge commitment when we bought the house and he would never have moved his kids and blend our family if it wasn't forever and he was sorry and would work on himself and how could I just give up... He brought up that I complain a lot about life and work and this had to improve as well as it contributed to his moods.

 

I thought about what he said and felt the same way after a few days and he was making a noticeable effort. Some changes were permanent Some weren't.

 

With my 2 jobs he was very supportive. I would get down and frustrated. He would remind me that there's a goal in mind and it's not forever and to hang in there and he understands.

 

I felt he was the one as I know not anyone would be understanding and supportive. I still spent a lot of time being irritable and grouchy and complained a lot about work and life.

 

He told me numerous times that it was draining him and that he didn't like this about me.

 

I thought I was making an effort at the time and now realize my efforts were not what they should've been. We were both fueling each other.

 

I know now it was wrong but I'd tell him maybe we should break up as we are not happy a lot of the time. He would again tell me his commitment and that things will improve and he will as well. all relationships have problems and it's easier to fix what you have. That our situation isn't ordinary. This went on a few times.

 

One week I told him let's see how the week goes and then talk. We had a really good week together. No moods. balanced our time better etc.

 

That weekend I couldn't reach my tenant and worried we'd be short $. I obsessed about it the whole weekend and let stress make me very undesirable to be around until Sunday when my tenant called and paid.

 

My man was really bothered by my behavior and avoided me all weekend and slept a lot. By Sunday evening out of the blue he said you want it done, I agree. I'm done and he can't put up with how I handle stress. I thought it was out of anger at first and a mood so I didn't react.

 

I realized that night he was serious when he told his parents and asked to stay with them for space. I told him I know I said let's wait the week but we had a great week! Why now!!

 

He then agreed that he'd reconsider after a week apart and for us to write down the pros and cons and we'd discuss them.

 

At first I was angry and blamed our problems on him (in writing not to him) but at the end of week it was suddenly clear on my faults too. I realized what my complaining and negativity was doing and my contribution to this. I couldn't wait to talk to him as I felt it was a new beginning and I'd be more supportive of his faults and work more as a team and I'd put in a real effort.

 

After a week apart I realized I don't ever want to leave him.

 

While he was gone I didn't initiate a lot of conversation. I wanted to give him space. He did by text but it was all negative. Comments that he didn't like being at his parents. Work was busy asking if I'm making a list. Always wanting to know what I'm doing. Small talk but negative.

 

He texted everyday sometimes excuses like asking if a bill came in the mail. I wasn't sure if he missed me but didn't want to appear needy?

 

The time came to talk and I texted to him that he seems negative and maybe needs more time. He insisted he wasn't living in limbo longer than a week. As soon as I agreed he said he's not coming home that night and that was my choice that our talk would have to wait. Control?

 

3 days later he came home and seemed angry. He said he was done and didn't want to hear what I wrote. He read me his and the main thing was how I handle stress and he said he doesn't think that could ever change and there was nothing positive about our relationship. He said he was angry because he wanted to work it out but realized I would never change. He was done. He said we are not compatible and he doesn't care about the house and he was wrong about us. Then he went back to his parents.

 

Over the next few days he continued to text me. Saying we need to sell the house. We agreed we would have to sell privately as we have little equity.

 

I sent him a couple of long texts explaining how I see my part in this and agreed I wasn't making a true effort on working on myself. He was interested in what I had to say but said he didn't think I could really stop the constant complaining. I told him I am addressing my issues not just for him but also me. He said too little too late and refused to agree to see what could happen.

 

Now it's going on the 3rd week. He texts every couple of days asking if I have my share for the private listing fee. I told him it would be at least a month but he keeps texting about it and repeating how he wants house gone now so he can move on. Is he unsure so needs to repeat? Or knows I don't want this so drilling it in?

 

He stayed at the house last week as he said he's paying half the bills and he doesn't want to be at his parents.

 

First few days he was angry and has been drinking every night. I didn't say much until after about day 3 I stood my ground and said there's nothing to be angry about. If he's going to take it out on me I'm not taking it. That there is nothing to be angry about?

 

Since then he's been calm and now I rarely hear from him by text when he's not home. When he is home he talks about selling house, asks how my day was then goes to sleep downstairs. He finds excuses to talk to me and come upstairs.

 

We've been having some finance difficulties too. We share the bills and he's been putting $ into building basement. I sensed he was getting overwhelmed and said once I'm getting paid from both jobs we will spread it over our debt. This will be in October.

 

He usually pays the cable bill and said he can't afford to this month as he got a speeding ticket. He was embarrassed but I said I'd pay it. He's also a month behind. One of his texts asked when I'll have $ to list house. Then he said pay cable first. House can wait. I thought maybe he's buying time and unsure. Why is house not a priority to sell now?

 

2 days passed and he's again asking when I'll have the house fee. But he knows I still don't have it! Why keep asking?

 

This weekend none of the kids are here so he went out of town to the cabin. I texted him tonight and said I missed him. He said get over it.

 

At the cabin there's no reception unless he leaves and goes for a quad ride. I have a feeling he went out at night to see if I text him. Am I feeding his insecurities or does he miss me? Why does he need to keep going out to see if I texted him?

 

He repeats he's done but if he is, wouldn't a man rather stay somewhere else until house sells? I know what it feels like to really be done and I wouldn't care if I was paying half bills. I'd stay somewhere else until house is sold.

 

I backed down for days after telling Him how I felt and gave him space until today when I said missed him. Space seems to make him even more distant. But when we are both at home he's different.

 

Part of my head tells me to forget him and not look back as I shouldn't have to convince someone. But another part is confused if he really means it.

 

He says this is what he wants but sometimes when he's in a mood he says stuff he doesn't mean as we all do and he's admitted in the past that this is a problem he struggles with.

 

When he gets an idea in his head he's very stubborn but when he realizes his idea is emotionally fueled in the heat of things and he's fixated, he rethinks it and considers what's been said and what's really going on as he's not a stupid guy and he knows he's too stubborn to a fault. (Maybe because of his disorder)

 

He will not always admit that he's being unreasonably stubborn but will listen to what I say... just as when I said I wouldn't put up with the angriness. He changed overnight. Effort?

 

At this point and the way I know him I don't feel not communicating and too much space is a good thing. But what else can I do to save this? I know I can't change him and I don't want to but rather be more accepting of him. I want to contribute more to this relationship with my new insight on myself and improve our relationship.

 

We still live together and can't sell our house now. Why is he so stubborn and refuses to be open to the change. He has nothing to lose! We can't list house for a month!

 

I love this man and i feel he's stressed about $ felt pushed away by me and was worried I'd leave him so he did it first? And also he may feel things can't improve on my part.

 

A month ago i'd be agreeing with him as I didn't see my behavior back then and felt it was him causing all the problems in our relationship.

 

I've never felt such a discovery of myself and I want another chance where we are both truly trying not me thinking I was.

 

He didn't give up on me when I would've let go before and what kept us together was our same relationship beliefs. That in this day and age, so many people give up and walk away instead of making a relationship stronger. Those were his words at my low times and his words when we first met. Nothing really bad happened between us.

 

I made a commitment by buying a house with someone and putting my 6 year old in the middle of this. These are huge things to me.

 

We've drifted apart by not balancing work, kids, time for us and arguing. I was contributing negatively with nagging and complaining and fueling his moods.

 

I've talked about a lot of negative but there is a lot of fun and happy times In between.

 

Anybody have some advice if there is any hope in him coming around? What does it sound like to you?

I know his beliefs are there, just buried right now as he's fixated on this and very stubborn. Or does it sound like this is dead for him no matter what?

 

I want a chance to show him I'm serious and that I will be different and work on everything together. But he refuses to be open to it.

[KatZee]

It seems like you both bring out the worst in each other. This has gone on for far longer than it probably should have. It's an extremely toxic environment for you both as well as the kids that live under that roof.

 

Relationships are NOT this much work. Yes, all relationships have their issues to work through, but it should not be this difficult and this much constant drama. It's clear you two are just not compatible together. You may love each other, but love is not enough.

 

The issues have been going on for a long time now. Those changes if they were going to happen would have/should have happened long ago. It shouldn't take him leaving you and saying he's done with it for good, to kick you into gear.

 

I personally don't think people's fundamental behaviors change. You are who you are, and it does not complement who he is. You're a pessimistic and naggy type personality. You're not going to magically become this positive, and upbeat person. That's not who you are, that's not how you handle stress. You may "change" for a short while, but your root and fundamental behavior will eventually go back to who YOU are.

 

I don't think it's worth delaying the inevitable here.

Edited September 22, 2013 by KatZee