Michelle83 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I'm just wondering if this is a big deal to you? Do you look for someone who has similar habits/views/goals as you do when it comes to money? I'm a pretty big saver and am really focused on trying to get well set up for the future, so don't tend to spend too needlessly. The guy I'm seeing on the other hand is fairly the opposite. He came from a very high income job last year to a lower one (he's still paid very well though) and hasn't adjusted his spending at all. He openly has told me he's bad with money and needs to work on it...but that was three months ago and the other day he said he spent more than he earned this month. We're only three months in so it's hard to even really dive into too much discussion on it yet and even in the future, unless you're sharing bank accounts, i'ts hard to know just how much they're saving/spending. My last relationship was with a guy in college, so he didn't spend...because he didn't have any money, so it wasn't really a concern.
EasyHeart Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I'm just wondering if this is a big deal to you? Do you look for someone who has similar habits/views/goals as you do when it comes to money? OMFG, yes, yes, yes!!! Money is always the #1 cause of problems in a marriage. If you don't share the same attitudes towards money, you are asking for trouble. I'm a pretty big saver and am really focused on trying to get well set up for the future, so don't tend to spend too needlessly. The guy I'm seeing on the other hand is fairly the opposite. He came from a very high income job last year to a lower one (he's still paid very well though) and hasn't adjusted his spending at all. He openly has told me he's bad with money and needs to work on it...but that was three months ago and the other day he said he spent more than he earned this month. I've said this many times before, but I'll say it again: Income is less important than out-go. Especially when it comes to credit. If one of you clips coupons and shops for used cars while the other one only cares about how much money he/she can borrow, you will inevitably have big problems. (Which will get infinitely worse when you try to divide stuff up in the divorce. . . )
BikerAccnt Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Yes, in a long term relationship, especially marriage or a living together arrangement, it's very important you are both similar in your money view. If for no other reason than you don't want resentments building up. They will resent you for always having money, and visa versa. That said, there are ways around this to an extent. In my marriage, and when I lived with someone, we had 3 checking accounts. Joint, for all household expenses, a his, and a hers. Income was proportionally put into the joint to cover all joint expenses and whatever was left over was ours to keep and do with as we would. In my case, both times, it worked very well. It was also good that both of us were on the same page anyway as far as spending and saving was concerned. I know some people hate the idea of separate accounts once you are married, that everything should be co-mingled. But in my opinion that's a recipe for arguments. 3
StanMusial Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Almost everyone I have talked to about marriage, have listed money and sex as the top two stressors on the relationship. So yeah, I'd have to say if there was a wide gap on the money discipline then there would be problems down the line.
Els Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 3 months isn't really too early to have important conversations IMO. I think huge differences between spending habits would be a dealbreaker, but the only thing you know about this guy is that he overdid his expenditure in just his first month after downsizing to a lower-paying job, yeah? I mean, as long as he has a reasonable buffer of savings, going over a little during the month of adjustment might not necessarily be cause for concern in itself. Either talk to him about it or wait and watch, IMO.
Balzac Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 It sounds as though this guy is young and just beginning his career. Often young men have had minimal experience managing finances. I can easily see that he'd be forced into spending more than he earned. If he is bound by a lease that made fiscal sense on a high salary but now has lower income - it's a temporary bind. If he bought a Porsche and pays monthly parking, lower salary necessitates reevaluating income allocation. He may have a sizeable investment portfolio. He may have other sources of income. He may have a wealthy family that lives a lifestyle unfamiliar to you. I hold the belief that a woman in a joint living situation should have ready cash to make an escape easy. By ready cash I'm talking 6 months of cash to set up her own lease, living expenses. I don't ever want a woman in my life to feel bound by not enough money to end it if that's what needs to happen.
ThomasD Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 This is, at the very least, something to pay close attention to if you intend to be serious or long-term with him. I've often heard that money problems cause more marriage breakups than sex and infidelity. In this case it's not just that you two seem to have different attitudes about money, spending, and financial priorities - he seems to be behaving in a way that can only lead to problems. (And in a marriage, or even cohabitation, YOU will get stuck with straightening out many of these problems!) It's possible that he's in an adjustment phase as he transitions from one ob to another, but it sounds like a "DANGER!" alarm to me.
MissBee Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 (edited) Yes, in a long term relationship, especially marriage or a living together arrangement, it's very important you are both similar in your money view. If for no other reason than you don't want resentments building up. They will resent you for always having money, and visa versa. That said, there are ways around this to an extent. In my marriage, and when I lived with someone, we had 3 checking accounts. Joint, for all household expenses, a his, and a hers. Income was proportionally put into the joint to cover all joint expenses and whatever was left over was ours to keep and do with as we would. In my case, both times, it worked very well. It was also good that both of us were on the same page anyway as far as spending and saving was concerned. I know some people hate the idea of separate accounts once you are married, that everything should be co-mingled. But in my opinion that's a recipe for arguments. I feel the same. I personally do not see any added benefit to your relationship by co-mingling all your monies once married or worse just dating. I don't see it as increasing intimacy or stability in the relationship and frankly see it as more cause for contention, if anything. I too have always figured I would have a joint account with a partner for shared expenses relating to our home, retirement, some big purchase we're saving for, for our children or an emergency fund, but we still maintain our own separate accounts to do as we wish with our disposable income that we earn. Outside of shared expenses I see no other practical reason to have all our monies mixed. I want the freedom to spend my disposable income as I wish without feeling like I need to answer to anyone, so long as it isn't eating into our necessary funds for other things, and my partner should be able to do the same. My parents have all kinds of issues but financially, I think their model worked well. They both had careers and maintained separate accounts as well as a couple joint ones for running the house, savings, stuff for my sister and me etc. Finances are important and can make or break a partnership. We would need to have compatible styles with money, not the same exact style, but not vastly different styles that cause arguments. So long as the person is not going broke and needing to beg, steal and borrow because of their poor spending habits and so long as we can save for a future and our pooled monies aren't suffering, I don't care what they do with their own disposable income. Edited September 22, 2013 by MissBee 1
Author Michelle83 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Thanks for all the replies. Yeah, I think regardless of who I'm with I would do separate accounts. What worries me is if I'm planning for retirement and he's not saving a penny...how's that going to look in 25-30 years? It could just be an adjustment period and at least he recognizes it and has mentioned he needs help with budgeting, so that is a good thing there. It wasn't a job change - he just stopped working a second position he was doing. It was more of a morals issue than anything and I'm happy he stopped and just has the one job now. I know i watched my parents fight for years over money and I don't want to end up in that place. I fully agree as well that it's not a matter of money coming in but what you do with that money.
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