Is it really over?

[Bubblebuble]

I'm very confused and hurt right now. Looking for some advice and unbiased thoughts.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. He pursued me as he liked a lot of my beliefs and morals and who I am. We are both career oriented striving for a better life have old fashioned relationship values, both loyal to our partner, both enjoy family time at home and much more. I feel we have a very good base. At the time we met I was starting a career change which forces me to work 2 jobs as the new one I'm in training for 2 years and it pays commission 2 months after the work is done. After 6 months he insisted we move in together as it would be difficult to spend time together as we both have children and with me working some evenings. We had our ups and downs but things were pretty good. I felt it was too soon but he insisted I was the one and he dated enough the last 5 years after his marriage dissolved that I was different and he just knew. We both agreed its hard to find the same base beliefs and fundamentals in a partner that we have. I thought about it and agreed. We bought a brand new house together 6 months ago. Prior to moving in he seemed very needy at times if I wasn't available but this disappeared after moving in. (He suffers from a form of depression/anxiety/ADHD and takes meds daily for this). I figured it was related to that and accepted it as there are much worse things and I'm a strong believer that the grass isn't always greener.

Soon after moving in I noticed his mood swings. He'd become irritable at me and the kids for days. I'd stay pleasant and he would snap out if it. It eventually got worse where it would last more days and he would be rude and very demanding and argumentative. As a rule I try to control myself but eventually I participated in the poor behavior and would argue back. Things would never go back to being good if I was ready first. It had to always be him and we seemed to develop a cycle. At one point I was feeling I had enough and was looking into if we could sell our house. He was upset and said we made a commitment when we bought the house and he would never move his kids and blend a family if it wasn't forever and he was sorry and would work on himself. That it was huge for him to move in with someone and blend our families and how could I just give up... I thought about what he said and felt the same way after a few days and he was making a noticeable effort. Some changes were permanent Some weren't and I was still hurt inside from some things he said when he was in a mood.

With my 2 jobs he was very supportive. I would get down and frustrated as sometimes I had no free time. He would remind me that there's a goal in mind and it's not forever and to hang in there and he understands. I felt he was the one as I know not anyone would be do understanding and supportive. But we both spent a lot of time being irritable and grouchy and I still complained a lot about work and life. He told me numerous times that it was draining him and that he didn't like this about me. I tried to make an effort at the time and now realize my efforts were not what they should've been. His mood swings made it worse for me. I know now it was wrong but I'd tell him maybe we should break up as were not happy a lot of the time. He would again tell me his commitment and that things will improve and he will as well that all relationships have problems and it's easier to fix what you have.

That our situation isn't ordinary. Lots of adjustments. This went on a few times. Then one week I told him let's see how the week goes and talk at the end of it. We actually had a really good week. No moods. balanced our time better etc. then on the weekend I couldn't reach my tenant and worried we'd be short $. I obsessed about it the whole weekend and let stress make me very undesirable to be around until Sunday when my tenant called and paid. My man was really bothered by this and avoided me all weekend and slept a lot. By Sunday evening out of the blue he said you want it done, I agree. I'm done. I thought it was out of anger at first and a mood so I didn't react. I realized that night he was serious when he told his parents as he doesn't talk to them about problems and he asked to stay with them for space. I told him I know I said let's wait the week but we had a great week! Why now!! He then agreed that he'd reconsider after a week apart and for us to write down the pros and cons and we'd discuss them. At first I was angry and blamed our problems on him (in writing not to him) but at the end of week it was suddenly clear on my faults too. I more focused on that and realized what my complaining and negativity was doing and my contribution to this. I couldn't wait to talk to him as I felt it was a new beginning as I felt I can make these changes and decided I can accept his faults too as after a week apart I realized I don't ever want to leave him. While he was gone I didn't initiate a lot of conversation. He did by text but it was all negative. Comments that he didn't like being at his parents. Work was busy.asking if I'm making a list. Always wanting to know what I'm doing. Small talk but negative. He texted everyday sometimes excuses like asking if a bill came in the mail. I wasn't sure if he missed me but didn't want to appear needy? Then the time came to talk and I texted to him that he seems negative and maybe needs more time. He insisted he wasn't living in limbo longer than a week. As soon as I agreed he said he's not coming home that night and that was my choice that our talk would have to wait. Control? 3 days later he came home and seemed angry. He said he was done and didn't want to hear what I wrote. He read me his and the main thing was how I handle stress and he said he doesn't think that could ever change and there was nothing positive about our relationship. He was done. He said we are not compatible and he doesn't care about the house and he was wrong about us. Then he went back to his parents. Over the next few days he continued to text me. Saying we need to sell the house. We agreed we would have to sell privately as we have little equity. Now it's going on the 3rd week. He texts every couple of days asking if I have my share for the private listing fee. I told him it would be at least a month but he keeps texting about it and repeating how he wants house gone now so he can move on. Is he unsure so needs to repeat? Or knows I don't want this so drilling it in? He stayed at the house last week as he said he's paying half the bills and he doesn't want to be at his parents. I told him how I felt we could start new and I am addressing my issues not just for him but also me. He said too little too late. I really thought this would get him back on track with us. First few days he was angry and has been drinking every night. I didn't say much until after about day 3 I stood my ground and said there's nothing to be angry about. If he's going to take it out on me I'm not taking it. Since then he's been calm and now I rarely hear from him last couple of days but at night when he was home he'd talk about selling house ask how my day was then go sleep downstairs. Another thing he got a speeding ticket. He usually pays the cable bill and said he can't afford to this month. He was embarrassed but I said I'd pay it. He's also a month behind. One of his texts asked when I'll have $ to list house. Then he said pay cable. House can wait. I thought maybe he's buying time and unsure. Then 2 days passed and he's again asking when I'll have the house fee. But he knows I still don't have it! Why keep asking? We've been having some finance difficulties too. We share the bills and he's been putting $ into building basement. I sensed he was getting overwhelmed and said once I'm getting paid from both jobs we will spread it over our debt. He said to worry about mine even tho we both agreed that all our debt is a team effort and we help each other. Now that it's in the open he's also saying he wants out of relationship so he can build himself up Financially and can't do that with me as he pays too much but we've both paid what we agreed? I told him I will have more than enough soon and even prior to this I said in October we'd look at everything.

This weekend none of the kids are here so he went out of town to the cabin. I texted him tonight and said I missed him. He said get over it. At the cabin there's no reception unless he leaves and goes for a quad ride. I have a feeling he went at night to see if if text him. Am I feeding his insecurities or does he miss me? He only repeats he's done But if he doesn't want to be around me wouldn't a man rather stay somewhere else? I know what it feels like to really be done and I wouldn't care if I was paying half bills. I'd stay somewhere until house is sold. He's coming back Monday. I've backed down for days after telling Him how I felt until today as I know the best thing for men is space. But it seems to make him even more distant. Part of my head tells me to forget him and not look back as I shouldn't have to convince someone. But another part is confused if he really means it. He says he does but sometimes when he's in a mood he says stuff he doesn't mean and changed his mind. Also when he gets an idea in his head he's very stubborn but when he realizes his idea is emotionally fueled in the heat of things and he's fixated he rethinks it and considers what's been said and what's really going on as he's not a stupid guy and he knows he's too stubborn to a fault. (Maybe because if his disorder) He will not always admit what changed his mind but it does... just as when I said I wouldn't put up with the angriness. He changed overnight. So at this point and the way I know him I don't feel not communicating and too much space is a good thing. But what else can I do to save this? I know I can't

Change him and I don't want to but rather be more accepting of him. I have enough experience with dating and know what I can't accept or shouldn't. I want to change me and contribute more to this relationship. I'm going to improve how I handle stress differently by my actions but not sure how to handle the rest. We still live together. I love this man and i feel he's stressed about $ felt pushed away by me and was worried I'd leave him so he did it first? And also he may feel things can't improve on my part. A month ago if be agreeing with him as I thought I didn't see my behavior. I've never felt such a discovery of myself and I want another chance where were both truly trying not me thinking I was. He didn't give up on me when I would've let go before and what kept us together was out same relationship beliefs. That in this day and age, so many people give up and walk away instead of making relationship stronger. Those were his words at my low times and his words when we first met. Nothing really bad happened between us. We've drifted apart by not balancing work kids and us properly and arguing and me not being patient and contributing constantly with nagging and complaining. I've talked about a lot of negative but there is a lot of fun and happy times In between. Also this is not ideal for the kids. I am and thought he was a string believer that when kids are in the middle you don't just walk away unless something really big/ bad happened. Anybody have some advice if nothing can be done despite his beliefs that I believe are just buried right now as he's fixated on this? When he was home last week he hugged me goodnight and kept finding excuses to come upstairs. Is he confused or is he as sure as he says he is?

[StrongLass]

First off, next time you want to write a long entry make it readable (aka break it into paragraphs and sections) there's a few reasons why 83 people have looked at this without responding and that's one of them.

 

Secondly, what do you want from this board? Affirmation? Validation? Cause it sounds to me you're looking for people to tell you to keep doing what you've been doing even though you're not doing yourself any favors right now.

 

This is a man who talked you into moving in with him when you weren't ready, has multiple disorders that he's not managing properly (you say he's on meds but if you were both so miserable due to his moodiness what good were they doing??) and is now being bi*chy towards you when you send him sweet texts and talks to you only about your mutual finances.

 

"Saving" this isn't really much of an option if you're willing to do all the work but he doesn't want to work on the problems with you.

 

You BOTH need some distance from each other otherwise you're going to keep being confused about what exactly you are to each other. However by continuing to be there he's disregarding that fact in favor of his own wants (ie not wanting to be with his parents any longer, wanting to save up money for himself, wanting you to pay bills...)

 

You need to put your foot down. Explain to him you'd love to work things out in the future TOGETHER but you're not going to tolerate being walked on for the sake of convenience on his part. If he responds nastily? Cut him out of your life. Nobody needs that kind of abuse.

[Bubblebuble]

Thanks for the reply and yes I see what you mean about my post.

 

If our situation was different and we didn't buy a house together and my 6 year old wasn't caught in the middle I would move on a lot easier. I feel there's hope as he stressed what his fundamental beliefs are and his reasons were how I've been handling stress $ which I didn't understand before. Also I would encourage him to get his meds tweaked.

 

I don't understand how someone can completely turn a switch off.