SarahKSunshine Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I posted this before, but the guy has taken up talking to me again and maybe I can get some new perspectives this time. I used to live in the town I'm in now, but I moved away and came back after about 6 years. I knew this guy when I lived here before and kinda liked him, but nothing ever happened. Then I moved and forgot all about him until he popped up on Facebook one day. A few months after I moved back, messaged me and started talking about how cute and great I was and how nice I'd treat him if we were together, and I kinda went along with it not wanting to hurt his feelings. We haven't seen each other face to face since I moved back, just texting and Facebook messages. Now he talks about seeing me in real life and how he wants to take me on a date and how much he'd like to kiss me. And that's all he ever talks about! I try to change the subject and just chat like with a friend, but he won't! I had an old boyfriend who did this stuff and it's why we broke up, because he wouldn't give me any damn space! I don't know of this guy is just clingy via text and fine in real life or what? What do I do?
TB Rhine Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 This guy is trying to move things to the next level, and he won't settle down until he feels he's done so. If you're at all interested, meet up with him and see if he makes a move or something, then shut him down or not, according to your pleasure. If not, let him know that it's not happening. He'll either behave for a while and then start up with the flirty talk again, or he'll drop out of sight. (Note: he may drop out of sight and then pop up again later, also, so be prepared).
Author SarahKSunshine Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 This guy is trying to move things to the next level, and he won't settle down until he feels he's done so. If you're at all interested, meet up with him and see if he makes a move or something, then shut him down or not, according to your pleasure. If not, let him know that it's not happening. He'll either behave for a while and then start up with the flirty talk again, or he'll drop out of sight. (Note: he may drop out of sight and then pop up again later, also, so be prepared). That makes sense, but the thing is I'm nit sure if I'm at all interested because I want to be friends first and date later, if that makes any sense? I want the guy I date to be my best friend, but like I said he won't stop talking about dating me long enough for us to even try to be friends. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, it's not making much sense to me either..
crosswordfiend Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I want the guy I date to be my best friend, but like I said he won't stop talking about dating me long enough for us to even try to be friends. If this is how you feel, my advice to you would be to end it. In my opinion, you don't just decide that you are going to be someone's friend. Rather, you realize that you have become friends with someone after many random interactions in the context of school, work etc... Friendship can develop in the context of a dating relationship, but the problem is that if it doesn't work out, you have no context for seeing the other person that is not a date - you have nothing to fall back upon.
Author SarahKSunshine Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 If this is how you feel, my advice to you would be to end it. In my opinion, you don't just decide that you are going to be someone's friend. Rather, you realize that you have become friends with someone after many random interactions in the context of school, work etc... Friendship can develop in the context of a dating relationship, but the problem is that if it doesn't work out, you have no context for seeing the other person that is not a date - you have nothing to fall back upon. That's kinda what I mean, I want to develop a friendship before I think about dating. But I think you are right, I think I should put an end to it. The question now is, how to do it without hurting his feelings..
heartshaped Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 That makes sense, but the thing is I'm nit sure if I'm at all interested because I want to be friends first and date later, if that makes any sense? I want the guy I date to be my best friend, but like I said he won't stop talking about dating me long enough for us to even try to be friends. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense, it's not making much sense to me either.. I think that is the general order of things. If a man is interested in you, he wants to date you not be your friend. If a man isn't interested in you, he has no problem being your friend, but then if/when you try to move things beyond that he probably won't be interested. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the person you are seeing to be your best friend, but I do think it's a bit unrealistic to just find a guy and for his thought process to be let me just be her friend..let's become best friends..and then I'll make a move on her.
Author SarahKSunshine Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I think that is the general order of things. If a man is interested in you, he wants to date you not be your friend. If a man isn't interested in you, he has no problem being your friend, but then if/when you try to move things beyond that he probably won't be interested. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting the person you are seeing to be your best friend, but I do think it's a bit unrealistic to just find a guy and for his thought process to be let me just be her friend..let's become best friends..and then I'll make a move on her. I guess I never really thought of it like that.. Thanks!
TB Rhine Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Also, women tend to put guys in the "friend" category if they don't make a physical move within a certain timeframe (I'd say the first two or three dates, generally), so any guy who knows what he's doing isn't going to stay chaste and "friendly" for any longer than that. I think this guy absolutely wants you to understand that he does NOT see you as a friend, that he wants to be romantic with you, and he is making all these comments in order to gauge your reaction. If you don't respond, he will likely take it as tacit approval of his conduct (definitely not reinforcing the "friends first" message you are trying to get out there), and if you shoot him down, even with the friends first proviso, he will likely take it as an attempt at a "soft" rejection, and he'll drop out of sight. Your best bet, I think, at promoting a "friendly" (but not romance-free) atmosphere is to meet in person, be open to some kissing, hand-holding, and such, but try and steer the dates toward non-specifically-romantic activities (think mutual interests, activities that promote physical exertion - like sports - and conversation, etc). If you're sitting in a dark movie theater, or sitting across from each other at a table in a nice restaurant, this is not going to help establish a "friendly" or casual vibe. At the same time, don't be quick to be hanging out alone at his place, taking long drives in the country in the middle of the night, and so on. If sex starts to become an issue and you're not prepared to take that step, sit the guy down and have a serious talk with him on the subject, being sure to let him know that you ARE romantically interested, you want to be his girlfriend, etc., but you want to take things slowly and focus on things BESIDES sex that you enjoy doing together before getting to that point. The most important thing here is to make sure he realizes you are not romantically rejecting him (and to be sure, within yourself, that this is not what you're doing - that you truly want to take some more time before progressing to the sexual part of things, rather than just that you are not responding to him sexually, in which case you will be leading him on and possibly setting him up for heartbreak later on, since - believe it or not, we manly types actually do have feelings as well. ;-)
Author SarahKSunshine Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Also, women tend to put guys in the "friend" category if they don't make a physical move within a certain timeframe (I'd say the first two or three dates, generally), so any guy who knows what he's doing isn't going to stay chaste and "friendly" for any longer than that. I think this guy absolutely wants you to understand that he does NOT see you as a friend, that he wants to be romantic with you, and he is making all these comments in order to gauge your reaction. If you don't respond, he will likely take it as tacit approval of his conduct (definitely not reinforcing the "friends first" message you are trying to get out there), and if you shoot him down, even with the friends first proviso, he will likely take it as an attempt at a "soft" rejection, and he'll drop out of sight. Your best bet, I think, at promoting a "friendly" (but not romance-free) atmosphere is to meet in person, be open to some kissing, hand-holding, and such, but try and steer the dates toward non-specifically-romantic activities (think mutual interests, activities that promote physical exertion - like sports - and conversation, etc). If you're sitting in a dark movie theater, or sitting across from each other at a table in a nice restaurant, this is not going to help establish a "friendly" or casual vibe. At the same time, don't be quick to be hanging out alone at his place, taking long drives in the country in the middle of the night, and so on. If sex starts to become an issue and you're not prepared to take that step, sit the guy down and have a serious talk with him on the subject, being sure to let him know that you ARE romantically interested, you want to be his girlfriend, etc., but you want to take things slowly and focus on things BESIDES sex that you enjoy doing together before getting to that point. The most important thing here is to make sure he realizes you are not romantically rejecting him (and to be sure, within yourself, that this is not what you're doing - that you truly want to take some more time before progressing to the sexual part of things, rather than just that you are not responding to him sexually, in which case you will be leading him on and possibly setting him up for heartbreak later on, since - believe it or not, we manly types actually do have feelings as well. ;-) That really, really helps! Thanks so much! 1
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