MutatisMutandis Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Before proceeding, I am not looking for any kind of judgment. If you have any ideas or suggestions that would help me resolve this situation, I would like to hear it. I am in 3 LDRs. I need to end two of them as I plan to get married. One relationship is relatively new, started a year ago (let's call her Lisa). Another was started two years ago (let's call her Amanda). The oldest was started five years ago (let's call her Naomi). I intend to keep Naomi and I don't plan to ever tell her about the other two. Owing to the long distance, I have not met Lisa yet. I've made plans to visit her, but the cost and a hectic work and school schedule has prevented me. She can't visit me for the same reasons (the cost burden is significantly greater on her). She is very sensitive and somewhat clingy. She gets upset if I go a day without talking to her. She recently graduated from university and is working full time. She still lives with her parents. Our relationship has grown closer over the year, but most conversations revolve around sex or related topics. Sex is a taboo topic in her culture (more so than in mine). I am her first boyfriend. I met Amanda online as well. Shortly after meeting online, I traveled to her city to find work for the summer, and ended up getting into a relationship with her. Both of us intended to have a summer fling, but we failed to communicate that, and it ended up growing into a LDR and became more committed over time. She is emotionally unstable. She has broken up with me around 5 times, each time retracting the break up immediately after. In the first summer when we got together, she was simultaneously seeing other guys, which I found out about, but never mentioned it. The next summer I was unable to go to her city again, and she started seeing (and sleeping with) another guy. That relationship came to an end that summer. I know because she told me about it a few weeks ago--to which I responded it wouldn't be a problem. I have made clear throughout our relationship that she could see other guys. Despite my intention to keep the relationship as non-committed as possible, she is convinced that we will marry next year. I have been reluctant to go along with this, but I have not told her outright that I have no intention of marrying her. She is a student and she graduates this December. Of the three, I am most attracted to Amanda and we are in the same field. I am her third boyfriend. Naomi is aware of a previous second relationship which has now ended. She suspects Lisa, having seen a message pop up on my phone once when she came to visit me. I confirmed that it was a "closer than friends" type of relationship, but I have convinced her that by the time of writing, it has ended. I am visiting Naomi this December. Of the three I am least attracted to Naomi, but I have become the most committed to her through words and actions. Also, of the three, Naomi is the only one whom my family is aware of. I have three sets of friends, three addresses and contacts, and three identities (with only my personal vitals in common). I have a triple life. Since Lisa is quite sensitive, I think I should end the relationship for a reason that has to do with our futures not lining up. We live in different countries. Her family doesn't speak English. I don't want to ruin her, but I think it will be hard on her no matter what I do. Amanda has been making an effort to bring us closer in recent months. She has addressed many of the things that I've mentioned were an issue for me. It would be easier to break up with her if she wasn't trying. I think the only way that I can make sense out of a break-up is to say that I don't think an open relationship, like the one I told her we were in, is compatible with marriage. She would then get upset and break up with me and then retract the break up. At this point I could sustain the break up and say that I don't feel very committed (I've suggested as much already). I will see her this Thanksgiving, so that will be the best time for this. She has little confidence and thinks that she can't get another boyfriend easily, so I think she would take this quite hard. Suggestions are welcome. I want to minimize the hurt this will cause Lisa and Amanda. I have only broken up twice before and each time was an unmitigated disaster.
thishatteredsymphony Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 It's annoying when people say they don't want to be judged after putting themselves in bad situations they alone had control over. Forget 2 break ups, break up with all three women. You deserve none of them. 7
Ansem Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 This guy has 3 women and I'm sitting here thinking about my ex...I agree with shatteredsymphony 1
loversquarrel Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 OK, so three sentences into your post and I can already tell you're an idiot. I'd at least have more respect for you if you could juggle three women in short distance relationships. 1
Sparkle304 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Have you ever heard of karma? What you have done to others will be done to you. 1
Author MutatisMutandis Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 (edited) So far none of the comments are relevant. I'm not here to explain myself or the reasons for this situation. If you have any suggestions on how to go about the actual break up process to mitigate damage, then I'm open to suggestions. Otherwise, move along. Edited September 22, 2013 by MutatisMutandis
Sparkle304 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 "If you have any suggestions on how to go about the actual break up process to mitigate damage" Are you for real?! You've been lying and cheating to these women......you've already created damage. 1
Author MutatisMutandis Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 Sparkle, this is not a conversation about me. I don't care what you or anyone else on here thinks about what is morally or ethically right in a relationship. I made it clear in the original post that you can leave your judgmental attitude at the proverbial door. Perhaps I expect too much from the people here and so I am not going to respond any further on this issue than this post. If you are capable of seeing past your judgmental filters, which I have little faith in at this point, then what I am actually seeking is a way to leave these two girls with no more harm than is absolutely necessary. What difference would it make to me to dump them tomorrow with no explanation? I am no better or worse off no matter how I handle it. So you can see, this is not about me. I have no compunction about breaking up with them on an entirely fabricated premise if it will leave them with the least harm to their confidence and the greatest ability to recover. I am here to see if anyone has a good suggestion about that. The tripe that people have posted so far is of no use to me and I suppose it only serves masturbatory purposes. Going forward, either comment to the issue, or don't comment. To be clear, I don't expect any further comments on this thread.
D862 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 This guy has 3 women and I'm sitting here thinking about my ex...I agree with shatteredsymphony Agreed I just posted about my recent one. Just signed up hey everyone. But yea 3 girls. **** I'm super worried about my ex.. I wish I had a damn back up I cared about more than the one I'm pulling hair out over. 1
D862 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 However.. Whichever is the best to you. And molds best to you keep. Naomi seems sweet. And the fact she stuck through knowing a second one.. However... You never know she might just have a second one also.
Archanaart Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 To be clear, I don't expect any further comments on this thread. umm....who the f**k are you to say no one can post any further comments? lol this a forum and people respond and you put yourself out there with your situation. So, don't get bit*hy if you don't like what people have to say or if they can comment or not. 3
Sparkle304 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 "What difference would it make to me to dump them tomorrow with no explanation? I am no better or worse off no matter how I handle it. So you can see, this is not about me. I have no compunction about breaking up with them on an entirely fabricated premise if it will leave them with the least harm to their confidence and the greatest ability to recover." Get off your pedestal! You're getting moral and ethical NOW?! 1
Author MutatisMutandis Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 D862, I appreciate your thoughts. She's not the type to have a 2nd. In any case, this issue isn't directly about her, it's about the other two. Archanaart, anyone is welcome to comment, but it would be quite a surprise to see anyone rising out of the collective tabloid tantrum here and posting a genuine, coherent comment, hence those are my expectations.
Archanaart Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Just be honest with the two you want to break up with. Say you found someone new or you reconnected with someone from your past. If you're not clear on the reason why then the girls may not get full closure and later seek answers. So it'll be a harder break. Easier to hate you then wonder why and if they did something wrong or if they could fix it.
reddragon588 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Wow man. I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but I'll give you some advice that I say without judgment: get some professional help. There is no reason for you to be in three relationships with three women. I feel sorry for your girlfriends. 1
movingonnow1 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Is this post trolling? Seriously... 1
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