Where is this going?

[Motegi]

Hello all, I am new here. First of all, sorry for my long post, I'll try to keep it as tidy as possible.

 

Oh, and please don't judge and bare with it until the end, I'll try to include as much information as possible.

 

One year ago I met this girl at my college. We are seniors and we were put in same classes. I've noticed here before, made even eye contact but never talked to her. Our group was small and I knew only one guy who is a good friend of mine. She didn't know anyone.

I started talking to her almost immediately, we were working in groups on a project and I invited her in, she happily agreed.

 

After that, we hit it off pretty quickly, I drove her to her apartment one day, she gave me her number, we were hanging out all the time between classes and even after them.. First few months we basically texted non-stop ( mobile and FB ).

 

Now the real stuff comes. She has a boyfriend. She didn't tell me, I saw it on facebook profile. She had one picture of him and her and relationship status. Now that was quite fine with me because I didn't want a girlfriend. She was constantly texting me tho, and initiating conversations, wondering where I am if I skipped classes... She always sat really close to me, had no problems touching me, drawing on my arm, walking really close to me under umbrella.. It came so far that people in our group thought we are a couple. One guy even called us some cute names for couples, and she was just smiling and telling me about it. I just smiled. One time in a library she told me that they think we are a couple, blushed really hard and waited for my response. I was cold about it.

 

Now you probably think I tried to steal her. I had no intentions of stealing her because she had ( still do tho ) a boyfriend and I didn't want to participate in destruction of a relationship.

 

On the other hand, I barely know anything about her boyfriend. I know some things because I was with her when our colleague asked some things about him. In these last 12 months, she has probably mentioned him about a dozen times. She won't even tell me his name or surname!

I haven't even met the guy! I've seen him once tho, he was waiting outside the college for her and I was out for a smoke, she came out, give him a quick kiss and went away.

 

Almost everytime she was talking about her weekend or night out, she always kept saying 'with friends' or 'with cousins'.

If I asked who she went out with, not because I would want to stalk her and her boyfriend, but because we were talking, she always tried to hide the fact she was with him.

 

Now I know some girls don't like to share personal stuff with people they haven't known for a very long time. She basically shared everything with me. What she loves, what she hates, what were her fears in high school, how she thinks of certain people, we talked about feelings, relationships, hobbies, personal history, etc. etc. etc. But it was always constructive conversation, never her complaining and using me as an emotional tampon.

 

I noticed she basically got really fond of me. She is a friendly woman who has no problem talking to guys, and I thought she was a natural flirt ( which she kinda is, but needs time to get to know people ), but she acted really differently around me than around other guys. A hell load of eye contact too.

 

Now I am not stupid and I know all these are sings of her liking me. She would also get quiet if I mentioned another girl, or find some stupid reason to 'push me away' .. Even so that she claimed the girl I was watching in the library to be her girlfriend ( in joke of course ) and that I should find my own.

 

So... what happened next is after 6 months ( ! ) my head gave in and I fell for her. We had such a great chemistry that crushed my defense systems into pieces. At that time things were going the same way and she was even proposing that we should go out partying some night.

( she is not the party type of person anymore, she kind of settled down so that was unexpected ).

Whether she meant that or no, I don't know.

 

I talked to my friend about my situation and I foolishly accepted his comments about her boyfriend not being the real barrier.

I drank a bottle of wine ( wasn't drunk, just a bit more brave ) and called her and told her that I like her. I also told her that I know that she is happy and that I just need to tell her that to get it off my chest because I feel it is neccessary for me to move on. I should have kept my mouth shut and forget about it, but sadly I didn't do that, so that's what happened:

 

She was quite shocked, she said since she has a boyfriend she didn't think about that ( which I know for a fact is a lie, because she was judging my reaction about us being a couple, and also because it is just woman's nature to classify a male as a potential partner or not upon meeting him ). She said she thinks i'm cool too. She said if I really knew her better, I wouldn't like her. Then she couldn't find any words because of the shock.

 

I told her to tell me what she thinks when she regains consciousness. When I put my **** together I realized I've made a mistake.

 

The next day I ignored her ( i'm not proud of that ) in college. She send me a txt message if I wanted to go on a coffee with her and I declined. For a 3 weeks we were still talking, but a fair bit less. I didn't exactly avoid her, but I was acting more cold and distant, because I wanted to get away from my emotional mess.

 

After 3 weeks I decided to go for a no contact, because I felt things were going worse for me. She called me after classes and asked me if she said anything wrong, because I just rushed home. I said no, and that there are things I need to deal with. I said to her I need to be away from you because I don't want to be near someone who doesn't have same feelings for me, and I need time to heal with no contacts... She said with a strange voice '' If you think that is the best way, then so be it. I don't want to hurt you. ''

 

It lasted for about 2 weeks, and I managed to get through it somehow. Because I've been seeing her on a daily basis, I couldnt have held for much long. I texted her that I needed time and that I didnt want to hurt her, then invited her for a coffee. Soon we went almost back to normal.

 

So where is the problem, you are asking? In the last 5 months since this has happened, we grew even closer. We can talk on the phone for few hours straight ( instead fb ), and even she admitted that that is something she never does. I come to her apartment and we study together, which is actually not even studying but just talking and watching stupid **** on internet.

I can't say I am being used, because she has no real use of me. We pay for eachothers drinks, and sometimes she pays for both, sometimes I do.. but it's equal. I am more messy than her so she basically provides me with all the material for exams. She has no problems on studying alone and doing all the work alone, so she doesn't really need me there. She won't need me for emotional support either, and if she start bitching about college too much, I tell her she is annoying me. I don't buy her stuff ( few chocolates don't count ), I dont offer her help everytime she has even a tiny problem.

 

We talked during summer holidays, we havent seen eachother for about a month, but she always found a way to keep in touch, or even told me to call her when I get back from festivals, and invited me for a coffee when she came back to town ( we live more than 100 miles apart ).

 

The reason I am writing this long story that will make your eyes fall out and jump out the window is because I've always felt there is something wrong with our friendship. She tells way too little about her boyfriend and had way too much sings of her liking me. And there were some eye contacts where I could tell there is a spark in her eyes. You know, widely opened eyes locked at yours with that fire in them, lasting for a tiny bit longer than it should?

Also the other little things ( sings of jelaousy, hair touching, going out of her way to be with me, going out of her way to look good .. )

 

Now I am not saying that I want her to be with me. I am past that, but I want her to remain friends with me.

But I want that honesty, not the feeling that she is always trying to hide her boyfriend away from me. For **** sake, he calls her and she goes in another room to talk to him. If someone else calls she never does that!

 

I feel bad for her guy. He knows who I am, but has never seen nor spoken to me. At this stage of relationship IT WOULD BE ****IN APPROPRIATE for her to introduce me to him.

I dont want to **** her guy ( ), but I would feel a bit more at ease. Like that things are finally closed and we are to remain just friends.

 

I would absolutely hate to see her breaking up with him or even cheating on him because of me.. I want him to know that I am not a threat.

I know how would I feel if my girl had ''shady guy she is friends with''. It could be reason I would break up - red flag for no trust.

 

Now I know I've done some stupid ****, but I tried to repair that by showing sings of me moving on - so that I'd show her I want to find someone else, and that I want us to be friends.

 

But can't do that if I have the feeling that something is shady. I can't stop thinking that there is something more than it meets the eye. ( her feelings for me .. ? )

 

I don't really know what to do. If it keeps going like that I'll slowly cut her off... I dont know if directly talking to her will help.

 

Help?

[heartshaped]

Maybe she's just attracted to you? Physical attraction + friendship doesn't always equal romance, but I have had quite a few male friends that I was attracted to that I would flirt with and spend loads of time with.

 

I do think she feels a little guilty though about spending so much time with you or being attracted to you hence her not talking about her boyfriend a lot and/or taking his calls in another room.

 

I don't think there's any reason for the two of you not to continue being friends though. Nothing has happened and she doesn't seem like she would cross that line so I think things are fine as they are.

[Motegi]

The thing is, I am not even interested in her anymore. I really like her as a friend because we get along really well, but I don't see her anymore as a girlfriend material, because there are some things she lacks that I search in a female.

 

I would want to keep her as a friend, but on a more platonic level. And for me that is not possible if I feel she is hiding certain aspects of her life on a purpose.

 

I think I've made myself clear about me trying to reach out for other girls. I will not linger in her shadow and wait if she dumps him, but I don't want to lose a friend.

 

@heartshaped: I considered that myself, and there certanly was ( is ) some kind of attraction. And I don't want that to get in any kind of way, because she hides a lot about her relationship. ( Deletes posts on fb, changes topic when I ask some things, etc. ) And I think for a long run that is no good.

 

She is also not the most romantic girl on the planet, and from my point of view she doesn't seem to be madly in love with her guy. Not that I would want her to break up with him, I just can't accept the possibility for her relationship to go sideways because she probably keeps her guy in the dark too.

Edited September 22, 2013 by Motegi

[heartshaped]

I think in the long run her relationship is going to end whether the two of you remain friends or not. She doesn't sound to be that into him and the fact that I'm sure she isn't being completely open and honest with him about you screams that she isn't that invested. It's probably just that she's comfortable with him.