Feeorin Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Bf and I broke up last year - 6 year relationship, with child. Ok, so he became friends with a woman who is 14 years his senior. It was through work and since then, they have maintained a friendship whereby he sees her 2/3 times a week, goes jogging on those evenings, has dinner and then they both watch TV (he doesn't have a TV so catches up on series etc...) Some nights he sleeps over. Sometimes they get together on the weekend for games evenings and lunches. She was married for 25 years, left her husband last year and my bf at the time was her "support" system - meaning he gave her strength to leave. I have never met her and never been invited to join them on any occasion. Now since we got back together 3/4 months ago, my bf was reluctant to tell her we were back together (saying he didn't want to jinx it). Eventually as time passed - she had invited him to join her at a spa - which was end of Sep - and when she asked whether he would be joining her, he replied stating "it wouldn't be appropriate" as we were back together. She responded with a mere "oh you should have told me" and walked off. Another comment she has dropped a few months back was asking him something in regards to doing something and he replied with "I'm easy"... And she replied with "No you are not!". Another comment - recently my bf and I spent a day at a place not commonly visited - and when he told her, (in excitement) she just responded with "shoo" and changed the subject. My problem here is that when I tell my "friends" all the above news, they respond in a more enthusiastic manner - one that sounds happy and cool. Her responses all sound offish and unpleased... My bf tells me he sees her more as a "motherly" figure, but I kinda get the impression she sees something else? Last year when we split, he hit a depression and while I tried my best to help him, I was always being "compared" to what she was doing for him. In other words - my efforts were never good enough... She was his "support" system through our breakup. They spent a lot of time together when we broke up. Btw, we split for 8/9 months. Do you think I'm over reacting? And that I have nothing to worry about? Thanks for reading - sorry so long.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Would you guess they slept together during your 8-9 month break-up? Mr. Lucky
devilish innocent Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 No, I don't think you're overreacting. I don't have any problem with male-female friendships. A couple of my husbands closest friends are women, and I have no problem with it. But what you're describing sounds over-the-top and suspicious to me. If it's making you uncomfortable, then that should be his main concern. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 sounds more like something else to me, he has to understand that it makes you uncomfortable and avoid spending alone time with this female friend...the fact she said "you should have told me" points to the fact that she needed to know .....why did she need to know?...i would guess, so that stronger feelings didnt develop.......thats my opinion which may or may be valid in your situation.....but when someoen says you should have told me...its normally to have prevented something from occurring in this case i feel, it is her attachment to him......best wishes.....deb
Author Feeorin Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I don't think they slept together in our 8/9 month break. He did have a fling with someone, but thats all he told. Maybe I should ask him directly again. The "oh you should have told me" was more in line with her being annoyed cos he wasn't going to join her at the spa, I think. But still - if she knew the importance he felt in having his family back - shouldn't she have been more enthusiastic/happier in finding out we were back together? Aren't "friends" suppose to behave a little differently? They had a fight few mnths back where she asked him to "impose" more. Ie. arrive announced at her place, make more of an effort to initiate contact... Doesn't that sound weird coming from a "friend"? Shes also been on a dating site for 4mnths, but only recently started going on dates (which has felt like the dating started once she found out we were back together). Hmmm, and to think I encouraged this friendship when we got back together. I just think she may feel more for him, but he doesn't see it. Her reactions to everything just seem "off"... Not like a friend would react but more a woman who had romantic interest.
Sparty97 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 My take on this is that she is interested in something sexual but it never happened, hence her reaction that he isn't easy. 1
Sparty97 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 LOL. She's his "support" system alright. He's a user whose glommed onto her for what she GIVES him and PROVIDES for him. She's a sugar momma. And I wouldn't doubt for ONE minute that his 'payment' for said goodies is a roll in the hay - regardless of his supposed stories about her saying he's 'not easy.' What a boatload of bull. When was her saying he's not easy a supposed story? It sounded like the OP's recollection.
Author Feeorin Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 The context was say something like this: Her: "Where u wanna go today?" Him: "I don't mind, I'm easy" Her: "No you are not!" For me that just implies that shes trying, looking or expecting more? The time they spend together and her reactions to our relationship just seem off and thats what confuses me. I see it as a woman who has romantic interests but now has to settle as a "friend" and shes not happy with it. Who takes guys to spa's? Surely you'd rather go with your best mate or a romantic partner? Who asks friends to "impose" more? And more importantly, shouldn't she be happy he's back with his family?? I haven't had a chance to ask if anything happened while we were apart, i honestly don't think anything did... But i could be wrong. He's had girl buddies like this before - totally infatuated with him and they cause problems in our relationship. When we split, they make their move. I told him this time round, I'm not accepting that **** and that its up to him to set healthy boundaries with these women right? I shall chat to him this weekend and get the just of the situation... Just wanted to gauge the general consensus to this situation...
Author Feeorin Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 I chatted with the bf over the weekend - nothing has happened between them, he sees her as a friend and nothing more. I told him that I think she sees more by everything he has told me/her reactions to things... And I also stated that I wasn't 100% comfortable with this situation... I've had it before with other girls and told him it was up to him to set healthy boundaries... And then comes Monday - and he's off to go jogging and for dinner (no problem for me) but then also spends the night at hers... I feel a tad disrespected, like our chat on Saturday meant feck all and he will carry on regardless... :-(
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I chatted with the bf over the weekend - nothing has happened between them, he sees her as a friend and nothing more. I told him that I think she sees more by everything he has told me/her reactions to things... And I also stated that I wasn't 100% comfortable with this situation... I've had it before with other girls and told him it was up to him to set healthy boundaries... And then comes Monday - and he's off to go jogging and for dinner (no problem for me) but then also spends the night at hers... I feel a tad disrespected, like our chat on Saturday meant feck all and he will carry on regardless... :-( Sorry but they are having sex. He is cheating on you. Men do not have sleep overs with other women when they have a girlfriend. Stop believing him! You should be PISSED off and fed up too! He's lying and deceiving you, his words say one thing yet his actions show you another story. Cut him out of your life. If you don't, he'll bounce back and forth as he pleases as long as he can get away with it.
nescafe1982 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 Nope, I'm sorry OP. If your BF is staying over at another woman's house, they are not "just friends." What's almost worse is that you told him how this was making you feel, and he went straight back to her and did it again. Just because he could. You don't even have to prove what he's doing is cheating on you! The point is that he's doing something incredibly disrespectful, you asked him to stop, and he immediately disregarded you. Dump him. Immediately. Give yourself some time to heal and be around people who care for you. In time this will all be just a bad memory.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I feel a tad disrespected, like our chat on Saturday meant feck all and he will carry on regardless... :-( A tad ??? What does it take to make you feel completely disrespected? His actions indicate that he either doesn't know boundaries or doesn't care. Is either of those approaches acceptable to you? Mr. Lucky
Author Feeorin Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 Im not sure if he's cheating - honestly... He's having erm, problems in that area if you know what I mean. He's taking a heap of natural remedies, quit smoking, doing exercises to help this issue - so Im not sure... He had to use substitutes while with his "fling" to sort himself out... So this in some way is why I feel "safe" that he's not fecking around. On the other side - he could be getting it from her (btw, shes 53 - does that make a difference?) and just not in the mood with me... Flip side to the coin. Im extremely pissed he didn't take our chat into consideration and at least just go jogging and head home afterwards. No need to sleep over esp if your partner has specified they aren't happy... Total disregard and a complete belittle of our relationship and what I mean to him... I don't know anymore. We haven't chatted since Tuesday. And tonight its Wednesday - he's probably there again ("jogging"). FML...
Author Feeorin Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 A tad ??? What does it take to make you feel completely disrespected? His actions indicate that he either doesn't know boundaries or doesn't care. Is either of those approaches acceptable to you? Mr. Lucky Neither are acceptable tbh... I dont mind the friendship - but this is just taking the piss... I know if the tables were reversed, I would do everything possible to make sure he was happy and comfortable. If he expressed concern, I wouldnt be sleeping over...
nescafe1982 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 FML... In the end, your life only sucks as bad as you let it suck. If you keep this person in your life, he will keep doing as he has been. His actions haven't changed one iota in light of your upset. If you even think about staying with this idiot, FYL indeed. 1
Solcita2 Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 (edited) I read your thread an hour ago and it kept in my mind... I went through the exact same thing last year (you can go through my old posts) and it wasn't easy, I have to be honest, sometimes I still resent some of that. We didn't separate, nobody moved out, but I considered myself separated for a time. We went through really bad times, but somehow, we were able to make it. The first thing I can tell you is that she's not supposed to be his support, YOU ARE. My fiance later told me that the reason he was so into this friendship was because he felt needed by her, when in the other hand I was very independent... She was weak and desperately needed him. She validated him. Once you voice your concern, there has to be a change. One of his biggest regrets was how selfish he became of my needs. I think no day goes by that he doesn't kick himself for how he made me feel through all that time. Sleeping over is a BIG NO He has to get used to the idea that the friendship as it was during your break is not the same now. He is not supposed to stay over in her house. Specially when he knows how badly you feel about it. As you, I never thought they slept together and I never thought they were romantically involved (even then) and he swore they never did. I think, as you, that they relationship was also very fatherly/daughter. However that friendship was a big eye opener to me, I really never thought he was able to hurt me that much and sometimes I still resent him for that. And he knows that if this ever happens again I will leave him in a heartbeat. Now I know I can. And you do too. You know you can survive without him, you already did... so what's the point? My fiance was going through a huge middle life crisis (still is I think) about "what he did in the first half of his life" and how he "made the wrong choices in his life" and etc... and she made him feel better. But he did realize it was a mistake... the difference now is that whenever he feels bad, he talks to me, he doesn't seek to help others to feel better about himself... he looks for validation in me, and not in others.. After that crisis we went through a lot of stuff (HUGE family problems, me losing my job, and eventually moving to the other side of the world) and are strong than ever... Even when we're in opposite sides of the worlds, we speak every day, I think we speak more now than before, because it's all we have for the time-being. I hope things get better or you are strong enough to make the right decisions... I wish you the best! I FORGOT TO MENTION! One of the biggest changes was when he realized that I was moving on with my life and I started going out by myself without telling him much about it... when he saw that I could open myself from the relationship as he was doing and I was no longer at home waiting for him every nights, he started paying more attention to me, to be more around, etc... it was like he made a new commitment with me... Edited October 3, 2013 by Solcita2
Author Feeorin Posted October 3, 2013 Author Posted October 3, 2013 OML Solcita2 - its exactly the same!!! So weird!!! Seems ur man had more sense though!!! Mine just thinks Im psychotic. With him sleeping over on Monday - just made me feel that he chose their friendship over our relationship. That he basically belittled what we have and probably didn’t even think things needed to change (even after I voiced my concerns). I am hurt, and I am starting to resent both of them now. I feel like there are three people in this whole thing, and I don’t think I want to be around this wasted energy, worry crap. I need some space to figure this out. If he prefers her company to his families – he’s more than welcome to it, but I'm not going to stick around stressing myself out because of their friendship. Feck me, life is too short for this crap. I deserve someone who sees me as their support base and not someone to fill a void when he has nothing better to do. I was considering getting a 25 year old guy buddy, see him twice a week, play some silly sport and then spend the night. I wonder how he would see that? What happened btw? Did you actually move out? How did things progress to where they are now?
Solcita2 Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 OML Solcita2 - its exactly the same!!! So weird!!! Seems ur man had more sense though!!! Mine just thinks Im psychotic. Mine was also very aggressive whenever I said something about it... He would treated me like I was crazy (as your case) and even accused me of being insecure (even when I never said or thought they were sleeping together, the only thing bothering me was the amount of time he spent there), you feeling the way you do is the sign that whatever he's doing is wrong. He likes what he's doing, so he resent you for saying what you feel... whenever I ask about that time in our lives he gets really depressed and can't believe he made me go through that... He was feeling so bad about his life that he looked for a "pet" to help, someone "to save"... He does know that I never forgot that and that I would NEVER go through that again. I can forgive one but not two... I took that as an experience we needed to go through together... With him sleeping over on Monday - just made me feel that he chose their friendship over our relationship. That he basically belittled what we have and probably didn’t even think things needed to change (even after I voiced my concerns). I am hurt, and I am starting to resent both of them now. I feel like there are three people in this whole thing, and I don’t think I want to be around this wasted energy, worry crap. I need some space to figure this out. If he prefers her company to his families – he’s more than welcome to it, but I'm not going to stick around stressing myself out because of their friendship. Feck me, life is too short for this crap. I deserve someone who sees me as their support base and not someone to fill a void when he has nothing better to do. That was the worse to me, when your SO one tells you to stop because you are hurting them, the behavior should stop or at least try to stop. Not doing so is a very selfish act and also is a sign he doesn't care... I was considering getting a 25 year old guy buddy, see him twice a week, play some silly sport and then spend the night. I wonder how he would see that? I wish I did to be honest! But I moved on with my life, working harder without telling him about it (we are very much involved in our work lifes, so for me to move on without him was a huge step away from him and was his wake up call), also stopped doing the things I used to do for him (helping him with his mom, etc)... if he had time to fool around with somebody else, then he pretty much had enough time to take care of his business, so I just started using my time in myself. What happened btw? Did you actually move out? How did things progress to where they are now? I moved out but because I got a scholarship in Japan (we are from Argentina), so it wasn't about the crisis itself. However if I'm honest, I think we would have separated if it wasn't for the scholarship. We were fighting a lot when I moved out, hurting each other constantly... we both were very unhappy about our lives... moving out for me would have been HUGE, and trust me, if I moved out to another place I would never go back (I'm just like that)... The scholarship meant I had to move all my stuff from my business to our apartment, and now that I'm here in Japan he's been my rock through everything and anything... and we're closer (as crazy as it sounds) than ever... and already planning a visit trip for him... even when our finances are tight, we are coming up with a plan to be able to fly him over here once a year... I think the reason why we were able to make it was that a lot happened outside that crisis itself, and we were our rocks through them, and my departure gave us time to cool things down... and to speak honestly without all the yelling and hating... we were able to speak out AFTER a while, and after helping each other in other crisis outside ourselves... To be honest, at first we didn't discuss the topic but eventually we did, when it was time to decided wether to continue long distance or break up, as part of what it meant to go on. And we did break up a couple of times LOL... saying the words "it's over" like three times... (but it only lasted like 48hs or less) but since the last time we came back together, I said it was the last time for me... Next time we say it's over, it's over to me.. I can't live my life without knowing if I have a bf or not you know? I was tired of crying for him... For example, when I took the plane in Argentina we were over... the night before we got into a huge fight because of problems with my family. We even slept in different places... When I called him two days later to tell him I arrived safetly he was crying and appologizing... for me it was horrible when the administrator asked me who my emergency contact was... I didn't know if it was ok for me to list him or not. I decided to list him anyway. All the break ups were mostly because of distance and how to handle it... we are getting better at it though... Hope it all gets better in your case... it's not the end of the world what you're going through, but you have to stand your foot and force him to respect you. If he doesn't respect you, then it's over... if he prefers to be out with another person than with you and child, then... he must make a decision. What I really hated about it was that a lot of people here told me I was supposed to tell him "it's her or me" and I refused because to me, we were in totally different levels, if I said something like that I'm lowering myself to her level... you are not supposed to say those words, because it's obviously YOU... that's what bothered me the most and what I couldn't understand about it... if you EVER feel like you have to make that ultimatum I would say the relationship is doom... how is it possible that YOU, HIS PARTNER, feels at the same level as a friend? You know what I mean? Wish you the best!!!
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