Commitment issues. At wits end.

[Tigerlily2004]

Hello, I'm new to this forum and would appreciate any advice.

 

I'm 40, single mum, one child, work full time. Been with my boyfriend for 3 years and have wanted to move things to the next level for two years.

 

He won't let us live with him and it is breaking my heart.

 

He promised me a ring early on in our relationship, saying it'll happen 'soon'. A few months later he started saying how he enjoyed living alone, that he'd always moved in quickly with ex partners. He lived with his ex and her son so I know he can commit. She did not work, paid no bills, stayed in bed with depression all the time, didn't decorate the house etc. when she left, she took all his furniture.

 

I tell him all the time how I want to be with him, how happy it will make me. We love each other a lot, but he keeps telling me I need to stop talking about commitment which I find hard be cause I want to start making plans and get excited. I want to have his baby and I admit I'm scared time is running out. I've asked him to give me a timeframe but he won't. So I gave him one which made him cross.

 

He recently made hints that we could live together soon, but it's all vague. He's decorating his house at the moment. We don't see each other often, once/twice a week. He works weekends. He complains I don't invite him over. I admit I want to be with him so much it's making me depressed. I just want my family to be together at last.

 

The last few months I've stopped loving him so much out of self respect. I can't bring myself to give him my all anymore as I'm fed up of his excuses why we can't be together and scared that if I do give him my all, he'll hurt me again with yet more reasons to buy time. I feel he's having his cake etc.

 

I trust him in that he's not seeing other women. I just think his last breakup hurt him so much he's afraid to commit.

 

I know he thinks the world of me and my child. His mum told me how he broke down crying, saying how much he loves us.

 

I've tried leaving him but he won't let me go. Expects me to live in limbo. When I'm ill, he's nowhere to be seen so I no longer tell him when I'm ill. When we fall out I no longer try to reason with him, I simply don't contact him and after two days I get texts saying he misses me. I just need him to back up his words with actions or to sit down together to decide when to move in together, but he refuses. I don't trust that he will stick to his word. I tell him I'm worried I'm just an option and he tells me I'm being silly, that he loves me.

 

I know I should go out more and have fun with friends but I can't afford babysitters and don't have family support. My mum died 31 years ago and my dad is in his 80s. I'm afraid I'm being strung along. I'm afraid he thinks he can take his time because he knows I'm always at home so unlikely to meet another man.

 

I feel so unappreciated. What could I do? I'm thinking of ignoring him for a week so he knows I've had enough and am strong enough to move on. All I think about is the life he promised me but he keeps dragging his feet. Friends of ours who have been together in less time than we have, are getting married and having children. We attended a wedding recently and all his work friends who I hadnt met before were amazed I was his girlfriend, saying how beautiful I am, which I appreciated and thought sweet. He was very attentive that evening and wouldn't leave my side. His friends kept saying what a lovely family he has and I said we are not your family until we live together.

 

I've gone on long enough. I need to get a grip and leave him as I fear he doesn't really want me. I just want to feel safe to love him and know I can count on him, have my man by my side etc.

 

Thank you for reading.

[deni9]

That's very silly of him to play around with you emotionally. He brings your hopes up and says he is going to do this and wants this and that but doesn't do anything about it? Yeah, very wrong on his end. You seem like a strong, smart, patient woman. Im sure a lovely mother as well. You know you deserve more and better. What's holding you back? Go find it somewhere else. If a man cant prove that to you then he really isn't a man. When a man truly loves a woman, he puts his all in it. He does what he says. He keeps his word. Something is holding him back. Maybe he is too comfortable with his space and doesn't want that to end. But come on, why is he in a relationship with you if he is not ready to give it all up? That's what relationships are for, to plan a future with someone special. Its definitely not to waste ones time. Do your self a favor and go seek someone who will give you their all and EVERYTHING you want because YOU deserve that much. Especially when you have children, you deserve even MORE! You got this! you have the strength to leave him. IF he really does want a future with you he will find you and give you what you want. No more wasting time! Wish you the best!

[Tigerlily2004]

Hi thanks for your response. He tells me all the time he wants the same things as I do. But I agree, when a man loves his woman, he'll move mountains to be with her.

 

I've just told him I'm giving the relationship a break for about a week to decide what to do, sort my head/heart, and he won't be hearing from me. At the moment I'm refusing to see him. He wanted to take me on a date yesterday but I said no.

 

Going to use the time to focus on other things and give him time to realise what he has and to stop taking me for granted. Either he will move mountains, or he won't. At least i will finally have my answer and will move on with or without him.

[soccerrprp]

Move on. You're in turmoil about this and it is not a healthy relationship. Sorry.

[curlygirl40]

I'm agreeing with the other posters here.

 

He is having exactly the kind of relationship HE wants. If it's not what you want, then you're not compatible really.

 

I know it's not that simple. But yet it really is.

 

He does want the relationship to continue, but he wants it to continue on his terms.

 

3 years is plenty of time for him to decide if he wants to take this relationship to the next level. And for some reason he doesn't.

 

I think you're going to have to move on.

[Tigerlily2004]

 

He does want the relationship to continue, but he wants it to continue on his terms.

 

 

You hit the nail on the head curlygirl. I think he likes to be in control and is often difficult to reason with, which is most frustrating. If I try to change the goalposts, like when I gave him my timeframe, he didn't like it one bit. I guess he won't like me going on a break either, I've yet to hear from him about that.

 

A close relation of his told me he must be difficult to be with but to hang on in there as he's told all his family how much he loves me.

 

I had a break from the relationship at Easter. I didn't mean to, I found myself withdrawing and spent time with my child and decorating my home. When I saw my boyfriend he was very emotional, asking for more time, that he loves us and doesn't want to lose us. But he soon got back into his comfortable mode.

 

It's only when he fears losing me that he opens up and comes forward. I know me asking to move in etc is making him feel safe, I'm not going anywhere, so he can take more time.

 

He says he wants his home decorated properly before asking us to move in as I'm a lady and live in a nice home. I don't know whether to believe him or if it is yet another excuse to buy more time. He says he's only gonna get married once and wants it to be done properly. He says he's been waiting for the right moment to pop the question, but then I ask about commitment and he says it puts him off asking. he actually said he was going to propose one week but because i got insecure or said something silly, it 'pushed the moment back even further'. I said it was cruel to dangle the carrot like that even though I very much doubt he was going to propose. He's told me he doesn't have a ring!

 

I love him but he's always out of reach. Won't commit but won't let me go either. Can't do the in between limbo anymore. Yet he expects me to be exclusive. Definitely his way or the highway.

 

He will only appreciate what he had when it is gone.

[Treasa]

Yes, you really need to move on. If you only ignore him for a week, he'll learn that he can fairly easily get you back if he just chills out and does his thing for a bit.

 

If you want to show him that his treatment is inappropriate, end it. Trust me, I've been where you are, minus the kid, and it doesn't end well any other way.

[ja123]

He says he's only gonna get married once and wants it to be done properly. He says he's been waiting for the right moment to pop the question, but then I ask about commitment and he says it puts him off asking. he actually said he was going to propose one week but because i got insecure or said something silly, it 'pushed the moment back even further'. I said it was cruel to dangle the carrot like that even though I very much doubt he was going to propose. He's told me he doesn't have a ring!

 

I wouldn't even live with him if you want marriage. He'll just pull more excuses. I lived with a guy (for years!) and he said the same thing: he wants to get married "properly", but never made any plans or budget to do so.

 

My grandmother said to me that you don't need all that money to get married, just get a ring out of a Cracker Jack box and head to the courthouse. She was right.

 

Sweetie ... don't waste your time.

 

Read about "future faking" on baggagereclaim.

[spiderowl]

The guy is not giving you the kind of relationship you want and feel you need. You don't like they way he is treating you. He keeps you hanging on though when you have indicated you want out.

 

Why don't you stick to your word and keep out of the relationship? You don't seem to feel he's going to change. The problem seems to be that you opt out and then he gets all interested in you again and then you start believing it could be better. How many times has this happened?

 

If it's a pattern and nothing is going to change, then eventually you will find that it will suddenly make sense that you get out and you won't be persuaded back. Somewhere deep down, you are still in that transition phase where you are not entirely certain it's hopeless, but tending towards that view. From what you've said though, it's just a matter of time before you give up on him altogether.

[KatZee]

Not only do I back everything East_Coaster has said... you've been together for 3 years and you see him once or twice a week? And not even on weekends? You're a convenience at best!

 

Stop wasting one more second on this person.

[FitChick]

You've become a habit. He tells his family he loves you but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't like change. I'm guessing he is middle-aged and set in his ways.

 

Live with your dad and make the most of the time he has left. Your son needs to spend time with his granddad, too, who is probably a much better role model than this poor-excuse-for-a-boyfriend you have.

 

Do some online "shopping" at dating websites to see who is out there. You might find someone better.

[Tigerlily2004]

You've become a habit. He tells his family he loves you but actions speak louder than words. He doesn't like change. I'm guessing he is middle-aged and set in his ways.

 

Live with your dad and make the most of the time he has left. Your son needs to spend time with his granddad, too, who is probably a much better role model than this poor-excuse-for-a-boyfriend you have.

 

Do some online "shopping" at dating websites to see who is out there. You might find someone better.

 

He is mid 30s, not quite middle age. Why would I want to live with my father? He is very independent and likes his peace and quiet after raising seven children lol. He is a grandfather to 20 and great grandfather to 8. Believe me, my family make the most of spending time with him. Why would I want to give up my home to live with my dad just because my current relationship may or may not work out? I live just a walk away from dad.

 

Plus I don't have a son. I didn't mention the sex of my child. How bizarre. Thanks for taking time to reply though.

[boaaaar]

It's not right to make empty promises like he probably did, I can be sympathetic to that, but here's the problem :

She did not work, paid no bills, stayed in bed with depression all the time, didn't decorate the house etc. when she left, she took all his furniture.

He might have learned something from that experience.

[mikei880]

Tigerlily, just so you understand, your guy got burned pretty good by his ex and he has walls up and trust issues. It probably has nothing to do with you.it's something only he can fix. I know,I've been there... It's ok to love somebody but walk away because your needs aren't being met. There are tons more guys out there. Good luck!

[Tigerlily2004]

Thank you! I am pretty heartbroken and frustrated as things were amazing when I felt he was committed and we were going to live together etc. I'm the exact opposite of his ex...hardworking, house proud...I'm eager to help him decorate his home. It's exactly as it was when she left and is in need of tlc. He still has her artwork on his walls and when I suggested he take them down and move on, he replied, 'but there'll be big gaps on my walls'.

 

Here is a guy stuck in the past, afraid to move on. I'm guessing he's worried history will repeat itself. His neighbour and friend told me he is afraid because of the past.

 

I think he then blames me to get him off the hook.

 

A shame. He is missing out on so much.

[mikei880]

Thank you! I am pretty heartbroken and frustrated as things were amazing when I felt he was committed and we were going to live together etc. I'm the exact opposite of his ex...hardworking, house proud...I'm eager to help him decorate his home. It's exactly as it was when she left and is in need of tlc. He still has her artwork on his walls and when I suggested he take them down and move on, he replied, 'but there'll be big gaps on my walls'.

 

Here is a guy stuck in the past, afraid to move on. I'm guessing he's worried history will repeat itself. His neighbour and friend told me he is afraid because of the past.

 

I think he then blames me to get him off the hook.

 

A shame. He is missing out on so much.

 

Damn skippy! You go girl!