What happened? Please, help me if you can?

[Golden Cobra]

Hi there, new member here. I am hoping someone here can help me figure this situation out? Thanks in advance for you who have some input. It means a lot to have someone to talk to about this, as I have nobody to do so with.

 

So to begin, I started dating my ex 10 years ago, things were good for a while, but I was also helping her kick an unhealthy lifestyle (party lifestyle). We had bumps in the road like any other couples in our situation might have.

 

But from early on in the relationship, I was catching her in stupid lies, and even found guys numbers she had on her. But she would never tell the truth, and it made it difficult for me to trust her.

 

I decided to quit smoking to get healthier again, and we supposedly quit together???? Whoopsie, I was wrong.... I quit and she did not. She smoked behind my back for 7 years (until the end).

 

Fast forward to the present, a year ago, I made up my mind, that I was going to better myself/us by going to school to get a better job, so I could take care of us. I completed school in the town where I lived, and decided to do more schooling out of town for a bit.

 

This is where the poo hit the fan, while I was there, it seemed like something was not right, she was never home and was rushed in getting off the phone with me at night.

One night while I was there, I did not like the way a phone conversation went, so I attempted to call her back and make it right, but when I tried, nobody was home, for the entire night.

The next day she said she turned the ringer off on the phone, because she had a migraine, and that she was home all night. The funny thing was I sent a buddy to drive by and see if her truck was home, and nope.. it was not. More lies ensued.

I finished my schooling, talking to her every night (even about marriage and counseling), her telling me not to worry about anything, and she was with me, and loved me, boy was I snowed haha.

Up until the day I came home, everything I thought was fine between us, she was very convincing.

 

The day I was to come home, which was a 15 hour drive and ferry ride, she was supposed to pick me up from the ferry. 1 am, nobody there to pick me up, she would not answer the phone and I was stuck 4 hours from home.

I had to hitchhike home, getting in at 5 am, only to find my dogs freaking out, all her stuff moved out and a note on the table, blaming me for most of our relationship issues. I was devastated, 10 years, and I get a midnight move and a f'n letter, with two poor dogs stressed to the max.

 

She would not communicate with me for a week after this. All I wanted was a simple conversation, so we could end it civilly, but it was too much to ask.

I then found out she was going around to my buddies girlfriends saying bad stuff about me and vilifying me to them.

was pretty messed for the first couple of weeks, constantly e-mailing trying to figure out what happened?

It has now been three weeks, and I have talked to her twice, the first time (phone), I busted her lying and cheating on me, the second one, she came to pick up the rest of her stuff, while she was here, I got to talk to her face to face, FINALLY. I found out she was cheating on me with a 48 year old biker dude (I am 35, she is 33), who had a drug problem as well as head problems (she lied about all of it).

She seemed different when I seen her, like she was not proud of herself.

She then proceeded to tell me he was not really her boyfriend????? I said he either is or not, and she said technically they were going out?

 

I said we could be friends, before I found out she cheated on me. Now the biker and their lifestyle was the cherry on top.

I just told her I don't want to be friends, and she could not see the dogs anymore.

This upset her, but too bad. I am now thinking the best thing for me to do, is distance myself from her and the situation. I feel I need to do this to better myself.

 

She was saying she had to heal herself in the letter she wrote me, what a good way to "heal yourself".

 

So what I am wondering is, what you might think is the best way to deal with this situation?

 

She said she still cares about me, and wants to be friends, and still see the dogs.

I think I need to stay away from her. I DO still care about her, even though she did all she did to me.

I still care enough to worry about her well being (I know I don't want to be in a relationship with her again). I have a feeling she will hit rock bottom and try to drag me back in (kicking and screaming haha), if she stays on this course.

 

Sorry its a bit long, but anyone who can help me here, would be a rockstar. This whole situation has me buggered up pretty bad. I am sure someone here has some good advice?

 

Thanks for any future help guys, it is greatly appreciated.

 

Have a better day than I am (not that it's hard to do hahaha).

[deni9]

Listen, I know you care about her and all. That's normal. I believe you truly did love her and all. But why give anything when she doesn't deserve it. You especially don't deserve or feel like you have to do anything for her. 10 years! and she pulls some crap like that? No, do yourself a favor and just distance yourself from her completely. Close that door and lock it! what good will it do? in all honestly, there isn't any positive insight on that. Shes going to try to drag you down. and its going to be worse.

its this simple, when you don't want to be with someone, then don't be with someone! Shes your past now, keep it that way.

Im a girl, and girls can be very deceiving (they know the tricks to get what they want) and shes been doing it for years! why handle it any longer?!

Go find a girl that is going to treat you right! you deserve that much if your willing to give it!

 

I don't like her....im sorry but shes ridiculous. Thank God I don't know you or her because I would put her in her place!

 

Just know its natural to care for ones being if you once loved them. I know I still cared for my ex and he cheated on me, abused me. etc. But I deserved more. I gave him my all and he threw it on the ground and practically stomped on it. So it was time for me to run like hell from him. close every door. and move on!

[Golden Cobra]

Listen, I know you care about her and all. That's normal. I believe you truly did love her and all. But why give anything when she doesn't deserve it. You especially don't deserve or feel like you have to do anything for her. 10 years! and she pulls some crap like that? No, do yourself a favor and just distance yourself from her completely. Close that door and lock it! what good will it do? in all honestly, there isn't any positive insight on that. Shes going to try to drag you down. and its going to be worse.

its this simple, when you don't want to be with someone, then don't be with someone! Shes your past now, keep it that way.

Im a girl, and girls can be very deceiving (they know the tricks to get what they want) and shes been doing it for years! why handle it any longer?!

Go find a girl that is going to treat you right! you deserve that much if your willing to give it!

 

I don't like her....im sorry but shes ridiculous. Thank God I don't know you or her because I would put her in her place!

 

Just know its natural to care for ones being if you once loved them. I know I still cared for my ex and he cheated on me, abused me. etc. But I deserved more. I gave him my all and he threw it on the ground and practically stomped on it. So it was time for me to run like hell from him. close every door. and move on!

 

 

Thanks for your view, it is very similar with what I am feeling right now myself. I was faithful to her for the entire relationship (I had plenty of opportunity's to do wrong) and can at least look myself in the mirror. I don't know if she even cares about stuff like dignity and pride. You are right, I need to put 4000 pad locks, on the door and move on. I am only looking for honesty from here on out. If I can't have that, I'm out.

 

Thanks for your time, I appreciate it.

[keepontruckin]

Trust me. She doesn't want to be your friend.

 

You want the honest truth? You repulse her so much that she's screwing some drugged up lowlife...

 

Now, don't be too hard on yourself, because it seems that it is her that has bigger issues.

 

Let the biker deal with her, since that's what she wants. You focus on your long term goals, which I hope DON'T include her. In a year or two, you'll be laughing...

[Golden Cobra]

Trust me. She doesn't want to be your friend.

 

You want the honest truth? You repulse her so much that she's screwing some drugged up lowlife...

 

Now, don't be too hard on yourself, because it seems that it is her that has bigger issues.

 

Let the biker deal with her, since that's what she wants. You focus on your long term goals, which I hope DON'T include her. In a year or two, you'll be laughing...

 

 

Hahaha, thanks I really needed that. Repulse is a very descriptive word.

 

I am sure she has bigger issues (I lived with her for ten years), and I am actually relieved. I am glad to let him deal with her, she'll figure it out eventually.

 

I know the best thing is zero communication with her. I have been/am focusing on me, that's why I was at school.

 

NONE of my future plans include her anymore, she cheated on me. Done deal.

 

I will be fine in no time. Thanks for your input, I like the blunt approach. I am seeing things a lot clearer this week.

 

Have a good one.

[KathyM]

She treated you like dirt. She disrespected you. Cheated on you. Why on earth would you still want her around? Strict NC would be the best thing for you.

[keepontruckin]

Hahaha, thanks I really needed that. Repulse is a very descriptive word.

I am sure she has bigger issues (I lived with her for ten years), and I am actually relieved. I am glad to let him deal with her, she'll figure it out eventually.

I know the best thing is zero communication with her. I have been/am focusing on me, that's why I was at school.

NONE of my future plans include her anymore, she cheated on me. Done deal.

I will be fine in no time. Thanks for your input, I like the blunt approach. I am seeing things a lot clearer this week.

 

Have a good one.

It is hard, nonetheless... My wife of five years split five months ago, and has since served me with divorce papers...

 

It gets easier with time... The key is to be happy with yourself, and that takes time after the steel toed boot kick to your confidence, which is what happens to us initially when they leave...

 

I made some mistakes post separation... I let her see my sadness, and then my anger. It didn't get me anywhere...

 

Look at it this way... Stay cool like Fonzie, and if she comes back, it'll be your decision as to the direction things go. If she doesn't, you'll find someone else when you least expect it.

 

I mean, we ALL had found our ex's when we least expected it! It can happen again, and most likely will... Unless you have no arms or legs... Even then, they seem to find people also:laugh:

[Golden Cobra]

It is hard, nonetheless... My wife of five years split five months ago, and has since served me with divorce papers...

 

It gets easier with time... The key is to be happy with yourself, and that takes time after the steel toed boot kick to your confidence, which is what happens to us initially when they leave...

 

I made some mistakes post separation... I let her see my sadness, and then my anger. It didn't get me anywhere...

 

Look at it this way... Stay cool like Fonzie, and if she comes back, it'll be your decision as to the direction things go. If she doesn't, you'll find someone else when you least expect it.

 

I mean, we ALL had found our ex's when we least expected it! It can happen again, and most likely will... Unless you have no arms or legs... Even then, they seem to find people also:laugh:

 

 

I am lucky, as my confidence is not really hurt here I am maybe even more confidant now then when I was with her. It was more surprising/shocking than anything. I am not even really mad at her, just disappointed in her.

 

I guess she seen me a bit sad, but not much, and defiantly not angry (which is odd). I know I will find someone, or they will find me, and am in no hurry to jump into anything at the moment. I need to work on some of my negative traits, I had in the relationship before I get involved with someone new, or it could be a waste of time for me and the new relationship would have residual issues, because I did not deal with my crap. Thanks for the words Truckin.

[Golden Cobra]

She treated you like dirt. She disrespected you. Cheated on you. Why on earth would you still want her around? Strict NC would be the best thing for you.

 

 

This exact thinking, is what has helped me go zero contact with her. I am more interested in like minded people right now. Thanks for taking your time to help me with this. Have a good day!!!

[heartshapedrocks]

Hey Golden Cobra I wish you the best!!

It sounds like you are on the right track now.

Lots of good suggestions already mentioned for ya.

I would have your ex leaving on the top of your gratitude list everyday....

your pups I'm sure are glad you are home now.

[bubbaganoosh]

Some people are unfixable. You can try until your blue in the face and if she doesn't want the help, you can't force her. Find someone who can act like an adult and treat you with respect.

 

If she was fooling around with some grodey biker, maybe you should get yourself tested for STD's.

[Golden Cobra]

Hey Golden Cobra I wish you the best!!

It sounds like you are on the right track now.

Lots of good suggestions already mentioned for ya.

I would have your ex leaving on the top of your gratitude list everyday....

your pups I'm sure are glad you are home now.

 

 

Thanks HSR, Yeah, I think I am on the right track, it has only been three weeks since all of this happened. I agree with all the other posters said actually. Yes my dogies are very happy to have me home

[Golden Cobra]

Some people are unfixable. You can try until your blue in the face and if she doesn't want the help, you can't force her. Find someone who can act like an adult and treat you with respect.

 

If she was fooling around with some grodey biker, maybe you should get yourself tested for STD's.

 

 

I agree Bubba, some people ARE unfixable. I know what the early signs are now, so if I see them again in the furute, I am going to get away from the girl as fast as possible haha.

 

Yes I should go get checked, as much as I tried to trust her, I somehow feel she could have done this more than once.