ZimboGon Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 (edited) So, I've been with this chick for three years now. Before that, I liked her for awhile. Its pretty much that whole childhood crush cliche you see in all the movies. I'm 21, she's eighteen. Recently, she's gone off to college in Cali. A pretty big party school. So, three nights a week she goes out with her friends drinking. She used to be pretty much against underage drinking, but now she's pretty much turned into a party girl. We skype like, once a week and talk on the phone a few minutes every few days or so, but otherwise she just talk with texts. Typically i'm a pretty calm and collected guy, but here its different. I understand her whole life is upside down and exciting now, but i hardly feel important. It felt like i initiated all the phone calls and i was the one putting in effort and she just didn't have time for me. I didn't have much time for her either, but i put things off and made time. I'm not used to not hearing from her for extended periods of time. It used to be every night and morning I'd get a good night, i love you and a good morning. One day, i didn't hear from her the entire day until that night she sent me a picture of her at a party drunk with a bunch of guys. I snapped and broke up with her. How am i supposed to survive 4 months of this? So, a day later we talked and had some closure. She was very upset, crying and saying she wants to be with me but part of her feels like she's missing out since hardly anyone wants to talk to a girl in a relationship at college. She said she doesn't know which choice is right and which is the mistake, and i told her she's young and to go out there and make mistakes. It was a bittersweet, I'm glad you were my first love kind of thing. Except every night after that she'd send me emotional messages filled with swearing about how she messed up and wants to be with me. I wouldn't reply for about a week, until she asked if she could call me. On the phone, she gave me some stupid excuse 'I felt like i was in a relationship just to be in one, but i realized you were the perfect guy.' Gee, three years together didn't tell you that already? But i went with it. I told her we'd have to talk more or i wouldn't be on board. The first few days it was pretty good, she's all enthusiastic and affectionate. Then yesterday she pretty much ignores my message and goes to a party and i haven't heard from her in like 18 hours. Am i overreacting? Is it normal to not hear from someone all night? Most of my friends are telling me she's being selfish, but one of my friends surprised me. She just looked at me and said, 'You need to cut the cord and let her live.' Is the title of us being in a relationship good enough until the winter when we reunite? She used to be so in love with me, i feel like because of the strong bond we had already even if we do break up next time she comes into our home town she's going to find me. That's what she said when we broke up for a week. I'm conflicted about staying together or just ending it until she grows up a little and we don't have this distance. But if we do stay together, do i have a right to complain about us not talking much, or should i just lay off and be content with us just being together? When i bring anything up, she tells me I'm being insecure and doubting our relationship. She says things about how busy she is, and she doesn't need to spend a lot of time talking to someone to love and care about them. I'm awful, because the second she messages me i get some excited high where i'm 100% there and ready to talk, but when i message her its like... 'Eh, i'll get to it when i get to it.' I know everyone's going to be like, dump this girl and find someone else. But, this girl shaped who i am now. We melded each other into the perfect couple with all the same interests and the same sense of humor. Some people just can't handle the distance, and some people are immature. I'm already happy with this girl i picked out, and I've dated people before her. The problem with her though, is I'm all she's ever known. I don't know whether to let her go or try and keep her. Edited September 21, 2013 by ZimboGon
giblesp Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 This is a tough one for you, and people are going to say what you know they'll say. When she says 'people don't want to know a girl who is in a relationship,' she's saying men don't want to know a girl in a relationship. This means that she's looking for attention from other men. She's looking at men basically. That's why you didn't hear from her at the party dude. You feel she's the perfect girl for you, but is that the behavior of the perfect girl for you? Wouldn't the perfect girl for you message you back? She was the perfect girl in the past, but people change from mid teens to early 20's. Your friend said that you need to cut the cord to let her live. I'd say, you need to cut the cord to let yourself live. 1
pyramid Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Let her go - not so much for her, but for yourself. This is going to be an endless rollercoaster of hurtful behavior. She wants to have her cake and eat it too... at your expense.
Mascara Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 You're not going to like this, but... things are unlikely to change. You've been with her since she was 15. She's not being selfish, she's just being normal. Very few of us stay with our first loves. She needs to get college out of her system, she needs to be young and crazy. Unfortunately that rarely includes the boy or girl left behind. You may find each other again later in life, but for now.... she's gradually cutting free. Interspersed with moments of being unsure, that's why she keeps boomeranging back. But those periods of being out of contact will get longer and longer until she's gone for good. She's weaning herself off you. So now you have to ask.... for your own sake, will you cut her off, or allow her to gradually cut the cord? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 She is not ready for serious commitment. She is still emotionally attached to you but that will fade in time. I am not sure how old you are and why you are not living it up. This roller coaster is going to stress you out and it will still end, most likely when she hooks up with another guy. Yeah, I would let it go now. BTW, you are not sabotaging anything - it's your intuition telling you that something is not right.
heartshaped Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Been there, went through this. I was her in the situation though minus all the partying and drinking. When I went off to college, it put a strain on my relationship. We'd been together for years, but neither of us was mature enough to handle a serious relationship at 18-19 and we couldn't exactly have a 'high school' relationship anymore either. Eventually, I ended things so we could both be free to experience college and our youth. Hardest decision I ever made, but I believe it was the right one. We reunited after we finished college ironically.
Author ZimboGon Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 Been there, went through this. I was her in the situation though minus all the partying and drinking. When I went off to college, it put a strain on my relationship. We'd been together for years, but neither of us was mature enough to handle a serious relationship at 18-19 and we couldn't exactly have a 'high school' relationship anymore either. Eventually, I ended things so we could both be free to experience college and our youth. Hardest decision I ever made, but I believe it was the right one. We reunited after we finished college ironically. what happened after that?
Recommended Posts