What kind of man does this?

[rae_lana]

You need to tell him that if he comes at 10, you will call the cops or his wife. Or both. Do NOT let him come over. Period!!! BE STRONG THIS TIME!!!

 

I just haven't said anything at all. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, everyone says something different from ignore to respond with threats.

 

I'm NOT going to call the cops or tell our spouses so saying that is pointless. I know you don't think it is, but it's an empty threat and he'd know that.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Courage

 

Stand up for yourself RL. Make them not empty threats. Make them the truth.

[rae_lana]

I'm going to turn off my phone now. He just sent this .. "If its over we tell them together and move home. You would get the kids don't think you wouldnt. Nothing is over."

 

He's lost his effing mind.

[CrystalCastles]

The problem with your story is that you're writing here, trying to convince yourself what's right and what's wrong, when you already know the answer. You're trying to convince yourself that you're better off without MM.

 

What you need to do is back that up with actions. Only you haven't done that, in fact you're doing absolutely nothing towards taking action at all.

 

Your MM is a selfish POS. He is complementing you, flirting with you to satisfy HIS OWN SELF-SERVING NEEDS. He doesn't care whether it's you or someone else. You're just here in a convenient time, conveniently close enough such that he can continue to use you. You say things like "Oh we're so alike, etc". Is that some crap he fed you?

 

He's saying things you want to hear not because he actually thinks this way, but only because he wants to keep your vagina around. And that's about it. He's a selfish pile of trash only capable of polluting the lives of those around him. Your MM is only using you and feeding you romantic lies and empty words to keep you around, and you're falling for them, hook line and sinker.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Whats the point???

 

You ask for help for yourself..and spend the whole time relaying what azzhat is texting.

 

Azzhat is not the problem.

 

Your life begins and ends with YOU.

 

Not the mm.

Not your husband

Not your friend

Not the people who have hurt you in the past

 

Its all on you now.

[underwater2010]

It is going to blow up. You are getting great advice and choosing to ignore it. I am really hoping for your sake that you both get busted. It is the only way you will find peace.

[bentleychic]

Courage

 

Stand up for yourself RL. Make them not empty threats. Make them the truth.

 

Exactly. If you don't stand up and mean it, he's not going to go away. Period.

[bentleychic]

Sweetheart, let me tell you this right now. He is manipulating you and he knows EXACTLY what he's doing. He has your number, he knows what buttons to push and he's doing a damn good job of it. And I know you are enjoying the attention, especially with your mostly absentee husband, but this is not the kind of attention that you need or want.

 

If you cannot stand up and be strong for yourself, PLEASE do it for your kids. And if you love your husband even the tiniest bit, please either end it with MM or end it with your BH. I'm not even saying tell. I'm saying end it. Stop living a lie. Let your BH move on, even if you don't tell him the truth.

[AlwaysGrowing]

BC, its much worse than mm manipulating RL.

 

Its RL doesn't even have her own back. RL is letting herself sacrifice her marriage, job, children, way of life, finances, home, character, self respect, self worth, integrity...everything. The whole darn thing.

 

Unless/until RL recognizes that RL is the one who started down this path, continued down this path, and can get off any freaking time RL wants to...its pointless.

 

Its just lip service to ask for help than say "nope...not gonna do that", "I think I will just text mm all day", "I think I will close my eyes and wish it all away"

 

Close your eyes....have wish in one hand and a fart in the other...which one is real?

[happy stillmore]

His saying he is turning off his phone is a threat to you. He knows you crave the attention he gives you. I know inside you are anxious. You can't bear the thought of him shutting you off like that. He seems to contradict himself when he says it isn't over, let's tell our spouse's together. He is saying that while threatening to turn his phone off if you don't respond. He is desperate to get in your pants tonight. He knows you are home alone and the spouses are gone. Hmmmmm. It is all about him! Unbelievable!

[LilGirlandOW]

I can't block his number he's a friend to anyone else concerned..

 

Yes, you can. I have several male friends I've never had cell phone contact with, I doubt your H or BF are going to wonder why you and MM arnt in cell phone contact.

 

But again I understand how hard it is the thought of delete/block/move on. I'm npot one to preach here, lol.

[rae_lana]

His saying he is turning off his phone is a threat to you. He knows you crave the attention he gives you. I know inside you are anxious. You can't bear the thought of him shutting you off like that. He seems to contradict himself when he says it isn't over, let's tell our spouse's together. He is saying that while threatening to turn his phone off if you don't respond. He is desperate to get in your pants tonight. He knows you are home alone and the spouses are gone. Hmmmmm. It is all about him! Unbelievable!

 

He didn't say he would turn his phone off. He's still texting me. It was me that said I should turn mine off, but not to him. He wants to know what happened. He doesn't understand what's wrong. I have never given him any reason to think I wanted this to end until a few days ago and one other time briefly a few months ago. He's desperate and confused. So am I.

[snowflakes88]

I really wish you'd stop referring to his wife as your "friend." You are not her friend. Not even close. At all. Period.

[happy stillmore]

Oh I see. Well, you really do not need much of an explanation other than "I can't do this anymore." Five words. I am quite sure he will know why you can not do this anymore.

[bentleychic]

Oh I see. Well, you really do not need much of an explanation other than "I can't do this anymore." Five words. I am quite sure he will know why you can not do this anymore.

I have three...but can't say them here...so how about "Go get bent!"

 

;-)

[Goodbye]

He's already texted this morning. He's been really stand offish this last few weeks and since I stopped replying or contacting him first he's coming on so strong.

Honestly I want to reply so bad so I'm writing here instead. I just want to know what's going on in his head.. The things he says to me make me feel like he cares about me and I know everyone here is disgusted, I should be, but my mind is so much like his.. The difference is I know it's wrong and its starting to make me feel awkward, and he still likes that its wrong.

 

I just don't get if he's really like me.. Or knows exactly what to say to make me think so.

 

 

He views you as an object for sex. I think he was honest when he said he wants to bend you over the kitchen table. He may really like you, but he certainly doesn't care about you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Or one of my favs...

 

Lets have a game of f(*& off.... you go first.

[bentleychic]

Or one of my favs...

 

Lets have a game of f(*& off.... you go first.

hahaha I like that one.

[twosadthings]

You've let a less than quality person get into your life. Protect yourself and your family.

 

Twosadthings

[Quiet Storm]

You learned to detach, probably in childhood. That detachment is a coping mechanism that allows kids to stay sane in the most horrible of circumstances.

 

Kids can't control their environment, they are along for the ride. So they often use rationalization and detachment to cope. But adults can make choices and changes in their lives.

 

I believe the reason you can continue to do this, not only to your husband, but to your friend- is because of that detachment.

 

It's sad because if you could really feel the gravity of your actions, to yourself and to those that love you, you may be able to check yourself- before you wreck yourself.

[stillafool]

Looks wise we do not compare. We look completely different. He likes me for my looks..

 

Just because you two look completely different does not mean she isn't beautiful. He obviously liked her for her looks as well that is why he married her.

 

And obviously for the sex, because we like the exact same things and she does not want to have sex at all.

 

The man is starved for sex so that's no surprise. What would happen if she suddenly started wanting alot of sex with him?

 

 

She is a great person. Funny, sweet, she has no filter and blurts out her

thoughts. She is a great person.

 

I don't doubt this one bit. She sounds like an honest person. Too bad she doesn't see the evil that is being played out around her.

 

 

I'm only jealous that me and him didn't meet before. He and I both agree if we

had we would have been together. But no, there is no chance we could be together

now.

 

This liar and cheat would say anything to get some strange. I agree with you that there is no chance of the two of you ending up together. However that would be the best thing that could happen for his wife and your husband.

 

 

Not after 4 years of friendship and knowing her and him knowing my husband and not after the games he's played, so whether he would leave her for me or not is irrelevant because I wouldn't want him too.

 

What does that have to do with anything? The same scenario applies yet the two of you are doing this right under their noses. You say you wouldn't want him to but I think if he were serious you would be with him in a heartbeat and he knows it.

[happy stillmore]

I agree with Quiet Storm. I believe when you can't handle the situation, you detach. I can kinda relate to that. I have been reading about co-dependency and I am able to see that I have exhibited some of the co-dependence behaviors. I do tend to detach when in a stressful situation. I don't like confrontation. I used to agree with someone in order to stop an argument. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I thought I was just being nice but what I realize is that I was putting others ahead of my needs. I didn't have a backbone. I married when I knew in my gut, I wasnt in love. Now I have a backbone. I don't allow myself to be walked on. That is why I ended it with xMM. I suggest you read about co-dependence. Melody Beattie has a good book called co-dependent no more. This detachment or avoidant behaviors leads to not being real with your emotions. You will have to do some deep thinking and identify the negative things in your life.

 

You must remember you have control of your life at all times. Literally, at all times. Even if it seems your world is out of control, as I imagine your life seems right now, you have the ability to do what is in your best interests. Be selfish. Get rid of the pollution and complexities. Be real to yourself. When you start to take control of your life, it may be scary for you but know you are loving yourself. You are better off by yourself and living honestly, than living as lie with your husband and xMM. Food for thought.

[xxoo]

I want to be the person I was before it happened, that person would never have done this.

 

So take small steps toward becoming the person you want to be. We create our reality through small actions and choices. If you want to be a good person, do good. In each moment, simply for that moment, choose to do good. Don't worry about next week or next month. Do good now.

 

Remove these people from your life. Ignore any contact. Choose better for yourself, one action at a time.

[rae_lana]

 

Just because you two look completely different does not mean she isn't beautiful. He obviously liked her for her looks as well that is why he married her.

 

 

 

The man is starved for sex so that's no surprise. What would happen if she suddenly started wanting alot of sex with him?

 

 

 

 

I don't doubt this one bit. She sounds like an honest person. Too bad she doesn't see the evil that is being played out around her.

 

 

 

 

This liar and cheat would say anything to get some strange. I agree with you that there is no chance of the two of you ending up together. However that would be the best thing that could happen for his wife and your husband.

 

 

 

 

What does that have to do with anything? The same scenario applies yet the two of you are doing this right under their noses. You say you wouldn't want him to but I think if he were serious you would be with him in a heartbeat and he knows it.

 

 

 

I in no way said she wasn't beautiful? I said we don't compare in looks, I didn't mean that I look better, we just look totally different are shaped different, different colouring, I'm very feminine looking, she's athletic and smaller than me. I couldn't say anything bad about her other than she can be very judgmental of people.. She's quick to anger. That's about it for flaws I think if they are considers flaws.. The judgment thing includes race, and for sure she's very homophobic which affects OM greatly.

 

Our spouses are very similar there.

 

Things aren't always black and white.

 

Him and her met right after he had been through court ordered rehab after drug addiction and major trauma. They dated 9 months and she found out he had cheated.. With a friend of hers. She told him she was pregnant (wasn't) and she would leave him if he didn't marry her. They got married. She told him she miscarried but she had never actually been pregnant. I know that, from her. He doesn't know it.

They were happy. The whole time he was trying to convince her to have an open relationship she refused, and sex started to get less and less. Probably because she didn't trust him for obvious reasons. He was cheating off and on the whole time. All one night stands and she caught him texting lots of girls, exs, strangers, and randoms.

Enter me. We met them and she really really wanted to be my friend. I have a messed up past. I do not connect with people. Most connections I have are very superficial. The ones I do have are hyper overboard. Hard to explain maybe?

 

I didn't want to befriend them at first because I just didn't have the energy for more fake friends. But she was aggressive and actually I became closer to her than anyone I ever had. We were friends with them for almost 4 years.. Him only very gradually revealing things to me and me to him and us in get group , NOTHING inappropriate, and all four of us were astounded at how alike me and him were. Then one day his texting just got more and more and we started spending time alone. We did that for about 4 months openly before we started deleting texts. It all spun out of control.

 

I've admitted already that I had a crush in him for a couple years of that friendship before it started happening for real and he said the same. Even his wife noticed it from his end. As did others.

She does not like sex or affection more than cuddling. This from her mouth. DVD does it more out of duty once a month and when she does come asking for it he often turns had down because she turns him down constantly. It's a cycle.

 

I tricked myself into thinking we could help each other

We said that's what we were going to do.

 

. I love my husband like a brother almost.. He takes care of me, and we have a very active sex life but on his terms only. And I fake my desire for him, I wish I didn't.

Sorry. No idea why that all came

 

I'm trying not to text him. This helps.

 

Definitely hoping this site is never found by either of them! But that felt good to read over.

Edited September 22, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

I want to hear people's opinions because yes, I don't always know I can trust myself. A lot of very traumatic things have happened in my life. Not in childhood, but from 10-17. I deal. Not well I guess.

The affair was wrong. It was a friendship that went way way over the line.

 

It was a mistake and it has to stop.

I'm going to tell him that.

 

We are not confessing. We are staying in our marriages and we will stay friends. I am going to start IC and MC. I separated the affair from my life so long in my mind.. I can work on myself and try to separate it and never revisit it. I'm going to try.

 

People think I haven't taken advice but a few months ago before I came here I thought we could carry this on forever.