What kind of man does this?

[rae_lana]

You need to get into counseling like now. Affairs are all fictional, they are all about people pretending to be who they are not for their own selfish reasons. O/M's reason is to get into his best friends wife's pants and he will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get it, he's already proven he can. You have already proven that your available to him even if it costs you your marriage. His history should tell you everything you need to know about him. The things you've done with him that you found intriguing and exciting will one day come back to haunt you and disgust you. This is your soul and you journey and your the one steering the ship, the other man is the anchor holding you back. You need to cut him loose at all cost while there is still hope for you, be as blunt as you need to be to get your point across. Your wasting your focus on the wrong man.

 

I agree 100 percent. I made a horrible choice and its nobody's fault but my own and I just need to to be over. I intend to go to counselling I'm just avoiding it and still in denial. I still feel like I can end it on my own but I know that's probably not possible.

[rae_lana]

[/b]

 

Than your f**ked, if you can't be honest with your counselor they can't help you. That means you will stay broken, your in control, get help or know that things will continue to get worse. I can't believe you refuse to get help, why are you here than, are you looking for our approval to continue your affair?

 

Absolutely not. I don't want to continue it. It's hard to explain. I want to one minute and am disgusted by it that next, but every day I get more sure of myself and I know I'm ready for it to be over. It's been 3 weeks since we did anything physical and I have not encouraged anything inappropriate or contacted him at all since last week.

As for the counsellor thing. I want to tell the truth it just very hard since I've never said most of these things outloud. It might not make sense to you but I have a very ****ed up past and I've always lived my life in two very different ways.. I keep one side separate and its hard to combine them I'm not asking for approval or for you to understand.

 

I have a fake past that I tell people about. I'm well aware there's no point to a counsellor unless I tell the truth but that doesn't make actually telling it easier especially since I've never been able to do it before and I have definitely tried. I can write it, I can't speak the words out loud. I'm considering writing it down and handing it to a counsellor or asking if I can face the other direction the first time I say it outloud.

I don't even know.

I'm trying. I'm just being honest. I could easily just tell you guys I am going to be brutally honest in therapy but I don't know yet! I'm just telling the truth.

[rae_lana]

You could be depressed. Maybe that is why the way you are.

 

Maybe. I don't think it's depression. I'm not sad. But I'm trying to listen to other people because obviously I'm making all the wrong choices for myself.

[aliveagain]

Girl, give them the truth regardless of how you present it. Tell them about your double life, tell them about your inability to speak the words but you can write them, they will understand. They are not there to judge you, they are there to help you to think for yourself so you make the right decisions for you. People like O/M who pretends to be your husbands friend and is totally f**king him over with your assistance won't be able to influence you as easily anymore. You need to be honest.

[Bluebelle38]

Sounds like you want him to want you to validate yourself.

 

I think you need to get into therapy. Work on why you seem to hate yourself, because I think you do. I mean, sleeping with your friend's husband, betraying your own husband??

 

Sort yourself out pronto. If this mess blows wide open you are going to be in a lot of trouble.

[aliveagain]

rae_lana, one thing has been bothering for a while me so I am going to ask. When your husband was in the bunk bed above you sleeping and you let his O/M friend put his fingers in your vagina, was his wife aware, was she watching it happen? You said you were camping what were you in? Were your children there when this happened?

[rae_lana]

rae_lana, one thing has been bothering for a while me so I am going to ask. When your husband was in the bunk bed above you sleeping and you let his O/M friend put his fingers in your vagina, was his wife aware, was she watching it happen? You said you were camping what were you in? Were your children there when this happened?

 

I'm really confused where that came from? I think you are mixing me up with someone else. We did go on vacation with them this summer but we slept in different places with our own spouses, nothing inappropriate happened on that trip. One time when we were watching a movie, almost 10 months ago now he touched me under a blanket when our spouses were in the room. I moved his hand away. He's kissed me once when my husband was in the other room. But nothing else when he or my kids were around.

We have also done things in his home when she was sleeping. Not proud of it but we for sure have, that was at the beginning. We made stupid choices then.

My kids have never been around when anything has happened. It's always been me who has made sure our spouses are not within an hour distance from us and I'm the one locking doors and shutting windows. I am thinking about not getting caught the entire time it's happening so that's why I know this is a choice.

Edited September 19, 2013 by rae_lana

[aliveagain]

Sorry, there is another post where the wife allowed their friend O/M to finger her while her husband slept in the bunk bed above her. I confused your post with hers, my mistake. What kind of physical contact are you having with O/M your husbands friend, you mentioned in a recent post that you were physical with him days ago.

[rae_lana]

Sorry, there is another post where the wife allowed their friend O/M to finger her while her husband slept in the bunk bed above her. I confused your post with hers, my mistake. What kind of physical contact are you having with O/M your husbands friend, you mentioned in a recent post that you were physical with him days ago.

 

Lots of making out and hands everywhere like teenagers. That's been 80 percent of it. And oral sex, we had intercourse once. And very quickly after starting the emotional affair, I think we had honestly only touched twice before having sex. We had sex once and then have never again and that was almost a year ago. Part of the reason we haven't again is simple convenience we don't ever have a lot of time alone, but there has definitely been opportunity to do it again but a huge reason I avoid it is because the first time I made him use protection since I'm not on any birth control and he didn't want to have too.. He did but he brought up not wanting to at the time and he brought it up later too. I told him that time that I didn't want to get pregnant and he agreed but didn't seem too concerned. Instead of it being an issue I've just avoided intercourse, and although he's asked to again I just entertain him other ways and avoid that. I could count on two hands the number of times we've physically been together since this started.

[Acacia98]

Anti depressants which I really have no intention to take because that's not my problem, but I have them. I would really rather just do counselling but I know I won't tell the truth in counselling so it may be pointless.

 

rae_lana, I've read quite a few of your posts over the months, and I'm sad to see you've gone back to the same way of thinking (no one will ever discover us; I'm her best friend, etc.). If you actually believe this stuff, you're not being honest with yourself. I already know you're probably not being honest with us about many things because, among other things, after declaring that yours was a childless marriage, you suddenly announced that you do have kids and stepkids with your husband. That is such a huge detail to leave out of your story (you said you did it to protect your identity, but to me it falls very much within your pattern of not being straightforward with anyone). It reminded me of what you had said all along about there being no point of going for counseling because you would never share all the relevant details with a counselor.

 

My overall impression is that you're so used to compartmentalizing your life and lying about things here and there that you really are not in a position to assess yourself, your situation, or the people close to you realistically. So you really should not believe the the things you tell yourself about what is or isn't likely to happen.

 

You are not as helpless or 'weak' in this situation as you've managed to convince yourself you are. What you have done is made numerous deliberate decisions along the way to do certain things or to avoid doing other things. These decisions and actions have helped to preserve the status quo. So you are very much an active player in your situation. For instance, you say you can't end the affair, that it has to be him to do it. Guess what: you can end the affair. But you have chosen not to do the things that would lead you to end the affair. You've chosen not to expose the affair, not to go NC. Also, for the longest time you were reluctant to do counseling, and now that you're finally taking steps towards it, you've already pretty much decided that you are going to lie, compartmentalize, omit, etc. So you're basically telling us it's going to be the same old until somebody else forces your hand.

 

I don't think any of us can tell you what to do because you already know what you should do and have decided not to do it. I think that's a choice you've made because it serves your greatest interest at this moment. Own it.

[rae_lana]

rae_lana, I've read quite a few of your posts over the months, and I'm sad to see you've gone back to the same way of thinking (no one will ever discover us; I'm her best friend, etc.). If you actually believe this stuff, you're not being honest with yourself. I already know you're probably not being honest with us about many things because, among other things, after declaring that yours was a childless marriage, you suddenly announced that you do have kids and stepkids with your husband. That is such a huge detail to leave out of your story (you said you did it to protect your identity, but to me it falls very much within your pattern of not being straightforward with anyone). It reminded me of what you had said all along about there being no point of going for counseling because you would never share all the relevant details with a counselor.

 

My overall impression is that you're so used to compartmentalizing your life and lying about things here and there that you really are not in a position to assess yourself, your situation, or the people close to you realistically. So you really should not believe the the things you tell yourself about what is or isn't likely to happen.

 

You are not as helpless or 'weak' in this situation as you've managed to convince yourself you are. What you have done is made numerous deliberate decisions along the way to do certain things or to avoid doing other things. These decisions and actions have helped to preserve the status quo. So you are very much an active player in your situation. For instance, you say you can't end the affair, that it has to be him to do it. Guess what: you can end the affair. But you have chosen not to do the things that would lead you to end the affair. You've chosen not to expose the affair, not to go NC. Also, for the longest time you were reluctant to do counseling, and now that you're finally taking steps towards it, you've already pretty much decided that you are going to lie, compartmentalize, omit, etc. So you're basically telling us it's going to be the same old until somebody else forces your hand.

 

I don't think any of us can tell you what to do because you already know what you should do and have decided not to do it. I think that's a choice you've made because it serves your greatest interest at this moment. Own it.

 

I specifically didn't mention kids at all in my first posts. I denied having them later because I wanted advice specifically about the affair and our marriages and I knew as soon as people knew I had kids that would be the focus. I also think that my posts have said so many very personal things, and my family situation does give away who I am.

 

I've said since the moment counselling was mentioned that I would have a hard time telling the truth there, I didn't just start saying that now.

 

I've never ever combined a lot of things together in my life.. I live different parts of my personality in different ways. I don't know that I can stop that but I do want to.

 

If you asked people that know me to describe me.. I'm a hardworking always positive active mother and I run my own business, have for 6 years successfully, I am selfless according to other people and they come to me for advice.. Crazy, I know. But that's the reality of my life. Ive kept the jumbled mess tucked away in my head .. Until I jumped to this affair.

Edited September 20, 2013 by rae_lana

[whichwayisup]

Why would have a hard time telling the truth in therapy?

 

Honestly, if you want to change your life, you're gonna need therapy. If you continue on as things are, your A will eventually be found out about and you'll be dealing with such devastation and loss, dealing with many innocent people's pain and heartache.

[rae_lana]

Why would have a hard time telling the truth in therapy?

 

Honestly, if you want to change your life, you're gonna need therapy. If you continue on as things are, your A will eventually be found out about and you'll be dealing with such devastation and loss, dealing with many innocent people's pain and heartache.

 

I know I do. I don't know why I have a hard time I've talked to three different people, all years ago.. And about something entirely different than this, and I told each of them different pieces. I omit things more than I lie. Huge things.

I'm going to try writing it out.

[whichwayisup]

My guess is, you're lying about stuff to your therapists because you're afraid of change, afraid of accepting and taking responsibilities for your choices and actions.

 

Why not print every single thread of yours, with the replies and give it all to your therapist? (or a new T if you aren't going to one now)..

[AlwaysGrowing]

Nothing is scarier than getting to know the real "US".

 

Once you face and accept that you have not always RESPECTED yourself and others...you only have two choices...to continue with full knowledge...or change.

 

What do you really value? Do you really value the mm? Is he really a person of any consequence? How about yourself? Your kids?

 

I know for me...I like the quiet. Others thrive in drama...because they are uncomfortable with themselves.

 

I find that people who feel "lonely" when alone don't know themselves or don't like themselves. I like being alone, and I never feel lonely. I like me. My closest friends are the same as me. We have a blast together, because we are real with each other...unfiltered...no masks..no hidden agendas...nothing to hide. I accept them as they are..and I get that in return. Its so freaking awesome to be free.

 

Years ago..I cut out the people who were toxic and focused on who mattered..the people who emit "light"..I left the emotional vampires where I found them.

[artdet]

I was in the same boat. Here's what I learned.

1) MM in an affair will never be as good of a man as your faithful husband, he is just newer.

2) You will never be as good as his wife for the same reason. In an affair a MM seldom truly loves his partner. To him it is all about enjoying a new body and sustaining his original life.

3) Women will always try to find love in an affair because they can't separate heart and body as easily as men. If she finds love, she'll hurt her family. It she doesn't find love, she'll hurt herself.

4) A MM that has been playing in the affair field for a while, will always continue to play. He WILL not stop for you.

5) Affair Sex is overrated. There is an actual medical condition relating to men not able to get it up during an affair. A good dildo is more reliable.

 

Best luck.

[artdet]

And one last point, trust the statistics, that affair partners seldom end up together. Why? Because we all know in our hearts that once we've seen, and let seen, our ability to betray our long term partners, mutual trust is out of the equation.

[rae_lana]

I was invited over yesterday to my friends house.. her husband is my OM for those that don't know. His family was there too, cousins and sisters, we all just hung out and had a fire.. No kids.

While sitting around with his wife and family he sent me texts that I looked beautiful, that he wanted to bend me over the kitchen table.. Stuff like that.. Sweet things, then raunchy, then back too sweet like, you have the best laugh... With his wife and family sitting right next to me!

I didn't reply, but he knew it was getting me excited (I hate admitting that but I was at the time) I was also incredibly confused though. Does he get off on seeing my facial expressions during times like this or why does he do it.. I have no replied to anything he's sent me the last few days. After I went home he asked if he could come over. With his whole family visiting his house! He wanted to sneak away to see me. Is he losing it? Or is it mind games to get me to reply?

I didn't. But I wanted to really bad and almost did.

Edited September 21, 2013 by rae_lana

[carhill]

This appears to be the modern-day equivalent of playing 'footisie' under the table with another's spouse. TBH, looking at the totality, men who operate like that are so alien to me that I'd be hard-pressed to offer a cogent explanation, other than that it takes some pretty substantial 'out there' to flip his switch in the titillation department. Definite risk-taker.

[thefooloftheyear]

I was invited over yesterday to my friends house.. her husband is my OM for those that don't know. His family was there too, cousins and sisters, we all just hung out and had a fire.. No kids.

While sitting around with his wife and family he sent me texts that I looked beautiful, that he wanted to bend me over the kitchen table.. Stuff like that.. Sweet things, then raunchy, then back too sweet like, you have the best laugh... With his wife and family sitting right next to me!

I didn't reply, but he knew it was getting me excited (I hate admitting that but I was at the time) I was also incredibly confused though. Does he get off on seeing my facial expressions during times like this or why does he do it.. I have no replied to anything he's sent me the last few days. After I went home he asked if he could come over. With his whole family visiting his house! He wanted to sneak away to see me. Is he losing it? Or is it mind games to get me to reply?

I didn't. But I wanted to really bad and almost did.

 

 

Yikes...

 

What an effin weird deal...I dont know how some of you all pull this shyt off..I wouldnt have balls big enough to accept that invite, texts or no texts..

 

TFY

[HokeyReligions]

Might as well ask what kind of woman has an affair with her friends husband then goes to his house with his family around. What did you expect?

 

I wonder if the wife questioned what fueled the hot sex they had after the party when everyone went home.

[rae_lana]

He's already texted this morning. He's been really stand offish this last few weeks and since I stopped replying or contacting him first he's coming on so strong.

Honestly I want to reply so bad so I'm writing here instead. I just want to know what's going on in his head.. The things he says to me make me feel like he cares about me and I know everyone here is disgusted, I should be, but my mind is so much like his.. The difference is I know it's wrong and its starting to make me feel awkward, and he still likes that its wrong.

 

I just don't get if he's really like me.. Or knows exactly what to say to make me think so.

[rae_lana]

Might as well ask what kind of woman has an affair with her friends husband then goes to his house with his family around. What did you expect?

 

I wonder if the wife questioned what fueled the hot sex they had after the party when everyone went home.

 

I know what kind of woman I am. I never made excuses for myself here..

They are my best friends, I've been around his family lots over the last 4 or 5 years, I wasn't invited over by him but by them. They like me. I like them.

Up until the last couple months I kept the affair so separate in my mind it never bothered me to be around any of them but last night I was on edge and after about the twentieth text I said I wasn't feeling well and went home.

They didn't have sex after I left although I'm sure you won't believe me, not that it would bother me if they had. I know that from her, not him.

 

The thought of them having sex used to bother me but it doesn't anymore, and its so few and far between I actually encourage her to work on it because I do want their marriage to last and it's getting less and less.

[LilGirlandOW]

He really likes the power and control.. he's a dog pissing on a tree planted on somebody elses property. He gets off on de-masculating your H.

[rae_lana]

He really likes the power and control.. he's a dog pissing on a tree planted on somebody elses property. He gets off on de-masculating your H.

 

A few people have mentioned the competition with my husband.

My husband wasn't there, and me and him and his wife are alone more in general than with my husband so I've wondered if its more him trying to make competition between me and her.. I don't feel in competition with her but maybe I did at the start.

He's done similar things with my husband around though. Once they went on a guys trip with a bunch of other guys.. He texted and sent me pictures throughout it. In comparison my own husband sent me maybe one or two things on the three day trip.. Me and his wife spent that weekend together.. He sent his wife nothing, not one message or picture and sent me over twenty.

It's not me.. It's the competition for him?

Other times he won't contact me for days at a time.

 

I'm sorry I'm going to be posting a lot today I think because I've got three texts from him in the last half hour and I could reply any second and I really don't want to! I just want to be as disgusted as I'm supposed to be. I don't want to like this kind of attention but I still do.

Edited September 21, 2013 by rae_lana