What kind of man does this?

[rae_lana]

The OM and OP are not into intercourse. Why is that? I think OP mentioned OM was much smaller, or perhaps it was another thread.

 

I never said that at all. I've avoided intercourse to avoid pregnancy. And because I had slept with my husband before once.. And didn't want to after. I said nothing about performance or endowment. I've never clicked with anyone better in all aspects than OM.

[aliveagain]

I think you are self destructing because things are going well. You have what everywoman dreams about having yet you would rather trade that for sewer scum, maybe you and other man are a match. I just don't think any of us will ever convince you to save yourself and change your path, it's so sad to watch you do this to yourself and your family, actually it's becoming unbearable. F**k girl why are you doing this to yourself, it doesn't make sense, and you refuse to get professional help, at least help you won't lie to. I guess you'll get what you want in the end.

[rae_lana]

Rea_lana, you have said something along the lines of because you have both been sexually abused, you both have the same (sick) sexual desires. The desires you speak of include, open marriage, same sex partners and I'm sure that's just a small insight to what you both discuss. Seriously, you are choosing this over your family, your children!?

 

You have sadly been abused, that was not your fault, but until you break this cycle and take control- you are allowing this guy to abuse you, take advantage of you and hurt your husband and children. You too are abusing your husband and children by lying, cheating and putting them at risk. When will you get it? When will you take control of your life and mental health and break the cycle?

 

When this all blows up (trust me, it will) the effect on your children can be so devastating that as they get older, they may follow in your footsteps. Do you want that, omg! From experience, my fathers affairs wrecked me for a very long time. I wasn't able to have a healthy relationship. Is this disturbing sexually fantasy with this creep worth wrecking your children's LIFE??

 

Any desires we have aren't really sick by any stretch of the imagination. I don't get why it's so shocking. My kids are not around any thing sexual and me and my husband have an active sex life.

 

I would not be choosing sex over my kids.. At all. He's a good man, has helped raise a toddler to a child the last ten years he's a good man too, despite everything. People aren't one sided.

[rae_lana]

I really don't know why I even said that.. I don't want to end up with him purely because that would kill my friend. It would break her heart.

[rae_lana]

He knows I don't want to confess or continue the sexual affair. But it's obviously still emotional. We can't unsay the things we've said we will always have an inappropriate bond.. But it's on pause. I asked him not to contact me for a while and I want to start IC and convince my husband go start MC. See what happens.

 

He's texted me random things all day. He was silent for weeks at a time before..

I haven't responded.

[aliveagain]

You are becoming delusional, he is not a good man, good men are not serial cheaters, good men don't humiliate their best friend by screwing his wife and sexting her while your all in the same room together. Your mind is set, you are going to ruin your family by choosing dirt bag over your husband.

[rae_lana]

You are becoming delusional, he is not a good man, good men are not serial cheaters, good men don't humiliate their best friend by screwing his wife and sexting her while your all in the same room together. Your mind is set, you are going to ruin your family by choosing dirt bag over your husband.

 

I would choose him in a heartbeat if I didn't have kids. I think that all the time. I can't explain it. But then when I think of breaking it to her I'm sick.

 

My husband.. I wouldn't know how to confess, I'd be scared be would hurt me for sure so I wouldn't want to be alone. But he would get angry and get over it. It would crush her and destroy her and I have no right to do that.

 

I guess that's my boundary.

[rae_lana]

I'm in love with him. Not my husband. I know that for sure. Piece of **** or not, there is so much more than that and all the flaws are mine too. I understand we can continue an affair but everyone's totally right. I don't want him out of my life.

[aliveagain]

I wish you the best in your future, God bless you and your family, you all deserve to be happy.

[rae_lana]

I'm in love with him. Not my husband. I know that for sure. Piece of **** or not, there is so much more than that and all the flaws are mine too. I understand we can continue an affair but everyone's totally right. I don't want him out of my life.

 

CAN'T continue it... It needs to end.

[rae_lana]

Oops, I am sorry, I must have confused the threads.

 

IN any event despite all the turmoil I congratulate you for not having intercourse with OM. It could get real messy if you did.

 

So you and OM are soulmates. Can you be yourself with OM?

 

I don't believe in soulmates I don't think.. I don't know. We both get where the other is coming from by being brutally honest like we've never been able to before without people being freaked out.

 

My husband is a good dad, he's just not home a lot, he's a great provider and he loves me. Whether its how I want it not, I owe my kids working on my marriage.

[rae_lana]

The affair was a mistake. I know he's used and manipulated me I'm not denying that and now he knows I think so. But he hasn't done most of it on purpose it's just how he's always dealt with things.

 

Someone mentioned he had cheated on me during the affair?

No he was caught texting a singles line and an ex. And although he lied to me by ommison I guess, he knows, that I know, he does not want to be monogamous.

 

I'm not saying I want to end up with him.

 

The affair was a horribly mistake. We should have stayed friends.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I guess that's my boundary.

 

That is not a boundary. It isn't even what boundary refers to when we talk about boundaries.

 

And if in your mindset it is...then you have already crossed it, you have already hurt her.

[Iamhisflower]

Any desires we have aren't really sick by any stretch of the imagination. I don't get why it's so shocking. My kids are not around any thing sexual and me and my husband have an active sex life.

 

I would not be choosing sex over my kids.. At all. He's a good man, has helped raise a toddler to a child the last ten years he's a good man too, despite everything. People aren't one sided.

 

But you are risking your children's health and family for this affair. Your kids aren't around, but how do they cope when this blows up and they find out about mommy messing around with daddys friend? Good people do make mistakes, but they recognize them and change/STOP. Your kids will never be the same and that alone (your babies) should be enough to stop this now.

[Trimmer]

Ok, that makes sense.

If I'm a narcissist can I get help for that?

Not if you can't be honest with whoever you go to for help.

 

 

He knows I don't want to confess or continue the sexual affair. But it's obviously still emotional. We can't unsay the things we've said we will always have an inappropriate bond.. But it's on pause. I asked him not to contact me for a while and I want to start IC and convince my husband go start MC. See what happens.

 

He's texted me random things all day. He was silent for weeks at a time before..

I haven't responded.

Nice respect he shows.

[shortee]

It seems you just want to throw a pity party and continue your disgusting behavior rather than step up and do something about it and help yourself. How annoying. You throw a pity party and insult yourself and if you acknowledge your bad behavior, you can just go on your merry way with the OM. You aren't being honest. It's very manipulative. It's another way for you to not take responsibility for your behavior. You are just coming off like a helpless victim when you are anything but.

[xxoo]

To fix your life, and yourself, you are going to have to stop doing what feels good in the short term and start intentionally creating the life you want to have long term.

 

Face reality. This mess you've created is a direct result of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. You've got to actually do the work and be a stable participant to realize the larger rewards.

[stillafool]

I really don't know why I even said that.. I don't want to end up with him purely because that would kill my friend. It would break her heart.

 

 

Do you not think that you having an affair with her husband is not going to break her heart and destroy her when she finds out?

[stillafool]

I don't believe in soulmates I don't think.. I don't know. We both get where the other is coming from by being brutally honest like we've never been able to before without people being freaked out.

 

My husband is a good dad, he's just not home a lot, he's a great provider and he loves me. Whether its how I want it not, I owe my kids working on my marriage.

 

But you are not working on your marriage. You are only staying because it's the easy thing for you to do. Stop using the kids as an excuse.

[stillafool]

You are becoming delusional, he is not a good man, good men are not serial cheaters, good men don't humiliate their best friend by screwing his wife and sexting her while your all in the same room together. Your mind is set, you are going to ruin your family by choosing dirt bag over your husband.

 

I'm sorry aliveagain, but the same thing can be said about her. Neither are good people. I think they need to be together.

[rae_lana]

But you are not working on your marriage. You are only staying because it's the easy thing for you to do. Stop using the kids as an excuse.

 

I'm not just staying because its easy for me.

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years, he's the only family I've got, me being here makes his life a lot better and easier too, I run our household, I raise our kids. Say whatever you want but if you we're given a crystal ball too look into our household right now and didn't know this back story.. You would never in a million years guess I was going through what I am or having an affair.

 

I'm the woman you see at the grocery store laughing and smiling with her kids and at the park with other moms, out for supper with my family .. You would never look at us and see a dysfunctional situation.

 

I've always kept the screwed up mess separate. It just got way out of control and I recognize that.

[rae_lana]

Do you not think that you having an affair with her husband is not going to break her heart and destroy her when she finds out?

 

If its exposed yes definitely. I'm trying to end it.

[rae_lana]

So you stated that you would be fine if your husband wanted an open relationship to justify OM wanting one with you...

.

well of COURSE you would be fine with with that you're ALREADY cheating and DON'T love your husband

.

 

Are you telling me you'd be completely fine with an open relationship with someone you actually loved?

.

 

I HIGHLY doubt that.

 

True love has no use for open relationships.

 

All you need is each other.

 

I don't agree. An open relationship does not mean you are out screwing everyone you see. It means it you feel safe telling your partner when you do have an attraction to someone and are able to presue that if both partners agree.

Open communication. It isn't just about sex.

 

Really, honestly.. If someone has sex with someone else that has nothing to do with love.. It's the lying that has to do with love. In my opinion. If its honest, and open, it's not cheating.

[rae_lana]

I'm doing my best to take steps to fix this. Might not be in the way everyone agrees with but I'm trying. This feels very similar to going off drugs cold turkey which I have experience in.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/426851-trying-think-straight

 

Posting here has helped me not contact him. So I have been posting like crazy. Please free to just skip over my posts if you see no help for me.