rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I thought he was the perfect guy.. He was just like me I had never met anyone like that before. Perfect for me maybe? But far from perfect. My friend has been opening up to me about her husband the last few days.. Her husband is my OM .. Go ahead and attack me I'm used to it. Anyway. Turns out he's a jerk. Why am I still obsessed with him contacting me?? Why why why. I don't get it. He says he wishes he met me years ago and I still wish the same thing. He's likely got other women besides me, I'm realizing the chances of this are very very likely right now.. I should hate him. I do when I think what he's doing to his wife and what he's done to me, but I've done the same things and even though I tell myself I am stupid for caring about him and wanting him, I still do. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Just remember you are doing it to yourself and its up to you to put a stop to it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 The hell with him, what about your husband? Where does it stand with you two? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 The hell with him, what about your husband? Where does it stand with you two? Same old same old. I love my husband. He's my family. We are very incompatible in a lot of ways though. You must know what it's like to bond with someone who is flawed in the same ways you are.. That's what me and OM are.. Screwed up in the same ways. Over all, my husband is the better man. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Same old same old. I love my husband. He's my family. We are very incompatible in a lot of ways though. You must know what it's like to bond with someone who is flawed in the same ways you are.. That's what me and OM are.. Screwed up in the same ways. Over all, my husband is the better man. Trust me, my wife and I know all about loving flawed people, but there's "flawed" and then there's "FLAWED". I meant, how is it between you now? You mentioned recently that your husband was questioning your love for him. He's catching on, you know. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 Of course you can't hate him. If you hated him, you'd have to hate yourself, because you're behaving just like him. And your sense of self-preservation keeps you from judging yourself that harshly. You're using him just as much as he's using you. There's really nothing to be angry at him over when you're doing exactly the same thing to him and his wife as he is to you and your husband. There is nothing for you to be angry with him over. (Though his wife and your husband have plenty reason to angry at both of you.) Why does it matter to you whether OM's feelings are genuine or whether he's just messing with you? You want to end it either way, right? Why don't you stop focusing so much on what this guy wants and feels? You keep saying you don't want a relationship with him and you want to stay married. The time you spend thinking and posting about what OM is feeling and why he's treating you the way he is is counterproductive to your goal to fix your marriage. Stop wasting energy by letting yourself go down that line of thinking. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 (edited) I thought he was the perfect guy.. He was just like me I had never met anyone like that before. Perfect for me maybe? But far from perfect. My friend has been opening up to me about her husband the last few days.. Her husband is my OM .. Go ahead and attack me I'm used to it. Anyway. Turns out he's a jerk. Why am I still obsessed with him contacting me?? Why why why. I don't get it. He says he wishes he met me years ago and I still wish the same thing. He's likely got other women besides me, I'm realizing the chances of this are very very likely right now.. I should hate him. I do when I think what he's doing to his wife and what he's done to me, but I've done the same things and even though I tell myself I am stupid for caring about him and wanting him, I still do. Read these bold words 100 times than look in the mirror. Get help, put your focus in other places, your allowing that part of you that destroys the good things in your life to do it again, this one you will never recover from. You can change this behavior by listening to the advice you are being given, the world is looking at you right now, what are you going to do? Edited September 17, 2013 by aliveagain 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Your OM is a POS. You love OM because he desires you. Your H is a much better man and by marrying you he probably saved you from a life of crap. But, your H is known territory and he does not look at you with that desire of "I want to do you right now". This desire gives you enormous validation and worth. That is why you love OM. You've been pretty dead on about my situation but you are wrong here.. My husband is highly attracted to me sexually almost to a point I get driven insane by it. He tells me I'm beautiful he tells me I'm sexy.. All day long. It's my personality he never understood and the other man loved my personality.. At least he pretends to.. His is the same as mine. Him liking who I am inside is why I was so drawn to him. It's why I was so turned on by him. I want that feeling back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Trust me, my wife and I know all about loving flawed people, but there's "flawed" and then there's "FLAWED". I meant, how is it between you now? You mentioned recently that your husband was questioning your love for him. He's catching on, you know. We have been fighting a lot but we always did. He's catching on that I have lost emotional connection to him not that I'm cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I hope for your sake that she never finds out what you and her husband have been up. And I hope for her sake that she DOES. Please step away from her and her husband. You are toxic to their relationship, just as your friends husband is toxic to yours. As far as him being a jerk....you guys mirror each other. His behavior is your behavior. But remember that can be changed if you truly want it to. STAY AWAY FROM YOUR FRIEND!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Read these bold words 100 times than look in the mirror. Get help, put your focus in other places, your allowing that part of you that destroys the good things in your life to do it again, this one you will never recover from. You can change this behavior by listening to the advice you are being given, the world is looking at you right now, what are you going to do? This is exactly what I'm doing!! Been repeating in my mind that my husband I'd clearly the better man and deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 Of course you can't hate him. If you hated him, you'd have to hate yourself, because you're behaving just like him. And your sense of self-preservation keeps you from judging yourself that harshly. You're using him just as much as he's using you. There's really nothing to be angry at him over when you're doing exactly the same thing to him and his wife as he is to you and your husband. There is nothing for you to be angry with him over. (Though his wife and your husband have plenty reason to angry at both of you.) Why does it matter to you whether OM's feelings are genuine or whether he's just messing with you? You want to end it either way, right? Why don't you stop focusing so much on what this guy wants and feels? You keep saying you don't want a relationship with him and you want to stay married. The time you spend thinking and posting about what OM is feeling and why he's treating you the way he is is counterproductive to your goal to fix your marriage. Stop wasting energy by letting yourself go down that line of thinking. I do not know why it matters to me so much. I care more about what he thinks about me than anyone I've met. I don't know why! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 I hope for your sake that she never finds out what you and her husband have been up. And I hope for her sake that she DOES. Please step away from her and her husband. You are toxic to their relationship, just as your friends husband is toxic to yours. As far as him being a jerk....you guys mirror each other. His behavior is your behavior. But remember that can be changed if you truly want it to. STAY AWAY FROM YOUR FRIEND!!! I made the choice last week, I choose her over him and its the right choice. I have not contacted OM at all.. I do want it to be over I just am scared I'll fall back in. I just want to stop caring what he thinks and live my life. Ill never cheat again I know that much.. but it's him.. Just him that can get me to that place I don't understand why, I'm better than this. I want to pretend it never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 You don't get to make the choice to keep her. You betrayed her in the worst way possible. I am begging you to step away from her. A true friend does not screw around with your husband. If you truly want to be a friend....be honest with her. Tell her what you have done. Let her make the choice if you are worthy of her friendship. Staying around either of them keeps you entangled. You need to just leave. And pray that she does not figure it out, because she will reveal all to your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 17, 2013 Author Share Posted September 17, 2013 You don't get to make the choice to keep her. You betrayed her in the worst way possible. I am begging you to step away from her. A true friend does not screw around with your husband. If you truly want to be a friend....be honest with her. Tell her what you have done. Let her make the choice if you are worthy of her friendship. Staying around either of them keeps you entangled. You need to just leave. And pray that she does not figure it out, because she will reveal all to your husband. I'm afraid I do get the choice. You may not agree with it, but its very likely nobody would ever find out about this. As crazy as I've been fretting in my head we have done nothing to get ourselves caught. Our attitudes are the only things that have changed within the group of us. I appreciate the advice and support here but this is in reality my life. I do have the choice and confession is not it. I do intend to work on my marriage and myself and my friendship with her from here on out though. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 What is it exactly that he does TO You, that You Don't like or want or can't say NO to? ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I'm afraid I do get the choice. You may not agree with it, but its very likely nobody would ever find out about this. As crazy as I've been fretting in my head we have done nothing to get ourselves caught. Our attitudes are the only things that have changed within the group of us. I appreciate the advice and support here but this is in reality my life. I do have the choice and confession is not it. I do intend to work on my marriage and myself and my friendship with her from here on out though. Don't underestimate the gut feelings of a BS. If your H is already feeling a lost connection and your friend suspects something, it is only a matter of time. This situation is just two enmeshed. What are you really afraid of? Are you afraid of losing your H? I think it would also be a good idea to detach from your friend as that is not a true friendship Try and make a new circle of friends or even just you and your H reconnect and start dating again? Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 I do not know why it matters to me so much. I care more about what he thinks about me than anyone I've met. I don't know why! Maybe I phrased the question wrong. What I mean is why do you keep choosing to care what this guy thinks and feels? My theory is because you're getting a rush off of the endorphins of the highs/lows the affair (which are heightened by the danger of getting caught), and you're refusing to think about things logically, because that would kill your high. I don't think you're doing it out of malice or evil, just selfishness. Same goes for him. When he ignores your texts, or comes to your house to talk or whatever else he's doing, you choose to analyze "what it means" instead of stopping to ask yourself. "What difference does it make to my life and my own choices?". If he's been leading you on this whole time and has no feelings for you, how does that change your situation? If he's in love with you and he's ready to leave his wife for you, how does that change your situation? You've already said you won't leave your husband. So what purpose does it server to choose to keep wondering about OM's feelings? Maybe he's yanking your chain and has no intention of leaving his wife for you, but I really don't see why it matters when you're just yanking his chain as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted September 17, 2013 Share Posted September 17, 2013 She is very open like a book, I would know if she suspected him of cheating, I would be the first she told. Also, I meant to comment on this on your last thread. This is possibly the most out of touch with reality thing you've said so far. If your friend suspected her husband of having an affair with you, why on earth would you think you would be the first person she would confide in? Do you think your friend is an idiot? Because only a complete idiot would do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 Also, I meant to comment on this on your last thread. This is possibly the most out of touch with reality thing you've said so far. If your friend suspected her husband of having an affair with you, why on earth would you think you would be the first person she would confide in? Do you think your friend is an idiot? Because only a complete idiot would do that. It's not out of touch with reality if you knew the nature of our relationship. She is not going to suspect he's cheating with me if she suspects him at all. She would talk to me about it. I'm done having a personal relationship with him. At least I intend to be done. I just want their marriage to work and mine too to. I'd like to just be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 Have you ever considered that the reason his W is getting closer to you is BECAUSE she suspects? "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer..." 6 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 I'm afraid I do get the choice. You may not agree with it, but its very likely nobody would ever find out about this. As crazy as I've been fretting in my head we have done nothing to get ourselves caught. Our attitudes are the only things that have changed within the group of us. I appreciate the advice and support here but this is in reality my life. I do have the choice and confession is not it. I do intend to work on my marriage and myself and my friendship with her from here on out though. You are right you do have a choice. And you are making the wrong one. I think it is horrible when a person cheats on their spouse, but when the cheat with the "friends's" spouse it is even worse. It says a lot about you that you can continue to look her in the eyes, offer support for her marriage and yet hold such a terrible secret from her. I will ask one more time and then let you be.....LEAVE HER ALONE!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 (edited) Have you ever considered that the reason his W is getting closer to you is BECAUSE she suspects? "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer..." Of course. I'm a paranoid over thinker I for sure have considered this. I'm sure it seems like that here because this situation seems like its dripping in drama and emotion but in reality away from this board where I'm saying exactly how I feel, it's very controlled and calm.. Me and OM have never argued or even had negative words .. or done anything suspicious since the beginning, we are only alone when there is a reason for us to be, that might sound unbelievable but other than being in a bad mood at home sometimes nothing is trickling from the affair situation to the friendship situation. If she suspected him of something she would tell me first. if she suspected me and him she would still tell me but word it as a joke. Edited September 18, 2013 by rae_lana Link to post Share on other sites
Author rae_lana Posted September 18, 2013 Author Share Posted September 18, 2013 You are not her friend-you are her worst nightmare-but on to the topic- being attracted to someone because of the negatives you share is twisted, and its not so rare to find someone willing to cheat so I can not imagine he is your soul mate-focus on the positives you have and how those relate to your husband and if they do not then leave him too and work on being a healthier you-one that would never dream of betraying a "friend" I agree its twisted. I don't believe in soulmates. This was a screw up and a mistake. It's not ok and I wish it hasn't happened. I just don't understand why I still care so much about him Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 18, 2013 Share Posted September 18, 2013 rae lana IF your friend ever confides in you that she suspects her husband of cheating what will you say to her? Will you try to convince her she is wrong? Will you try to point her suspicions in another direction? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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