lovehurts5 Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 There are plenty of people in the world that are completely equal with their partners and don't take **** from them during rough patches within the relationship. Then there are those of us who seem to put our significant others on some sort of pedestal and their well being is put before our own. I am 25 years old and have been in 3 serious relationships. The first was 4 years, the second was 4 years, and my current relationship has been 9 1/2 months. In my first and current relationship my boyfriends were definitely in the drivers seat and I let them control my every move. I know that this is unhealthy and that it's my own fault for not sticking up for myself and I don't know why I allow people to do this to me. When we argue I then do everything in my power to make things better even if they are in the wrong because I care for their happiness and feel that if they are happy then that's when I am the happiest. I know this is not a healthy way of living but I don't know how to chAnge. And I know the majority of you taking the time to read this will probably think I'm just a stupid girl that is asking for heartbreak. I know in real life you can't always have a happily ever after but I want so badly to have one. My current boyfriend and I hardly ever argue. We had our first real argument about 2 weeks ago and I felt completely lost because he pulls the silent treatment when he is angry. And he tends to get angry over very little things. I try my best to make him happy and of course no relationship is perfect but I feel like for the amount of effort I put in he doesn't realiZe how much his actions effect me. For example, yesterday when I got out if work I didn't text him right away and that led to putting him into a cranky mood and not talking to me for the remainder of the day. And when I'd try to text him he'd give me one word answers. I know many of you would tell me to say screw it and leave him he's not worth my time and I'm stupid for dealing with this childish behavior. But for whatever reason I want things to work and I want to move past these tiny arguments because I find them to be stupid. I have yet to talk to my boyfriend yet today. I am hoping he went to sleep with a clear mind and woke up I'm a better mood and realizes how silly he was being. Even the tiniest things he gets mad over tho effects me so greatly. I wish it didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 But, no matter how much you wish to, you can't truly solve a problem in your relationship unless the other person wants to work with you to do so. And for that to happen, that person needs to acknowledge that there is a problem to begin with. Also, you are confusing 'putting others before yourself' with 'accepting crap treatment'. The bf puts me before himself in a lot of ways. For instance, if we bunk in at a place that only has one single bed, he insists on giving me the bed, and takes the floor. But if I tried to pull the sort of passive-aggressive crap for no reason like your bf is doing... that really would not go down too well. Because accepting someone walking all over you like that over small issues is NOT being altruistic - it's being a doormat. I would sincerely recommend that rather than 'hoping he wakes up in a better mood', you hash this out with him seriously. If he is unable to acknowledge there is an issue and try to work with you to resolve this, I doubt your 'happily ever after' resides with this man, no matter how much you want it to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 Oh, I do believe in "happily ever after!" No such thing as a perfect relationship, but there are plenty of relationships that can be, on the balance, be described as happy. Your bf gets upset about "little things?" If they are truly little things, well, there's more to him that is undesirable than you want to admit. Is he passive aggressive? Ugh. How old is he? Sorry to say, but this is what you may expect for the rest of your life you stay with him. But, I would certainly have a heart-to-heart with him about this. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 In a good relationship, both parties put the other person first. That's true consideration, respect, altruism, love, compassion and loyalty. If it's one-sided, it's just one person bending over backwards uselessly to keep the other person happy, to great sacrifice to themselves. As Elswyth says, you're being a doormat. Quit now, or trust me, it will escalate and it will erode your self-esteem, self-confidence and destroy your personality. You'll become what he wants you to be, not who you really are. And he doesn't respect you now, and never will. People don't respect the doormats they live with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 I am completely aware of me being the doormat. I get so mad at myself for acting this way but I just want things to work and be ok so I guess that's why I let myself get walked all over. I know it's terrible. I really appreciate your comments. He is 26. And he always has said to me how important communication is meanwhile the most important times for us to communicate equals him being distant and giving me the cold shoulder. I'm hoping to talk to him today and figure this whole thing out. I just hope it goes over well... Link to post Share on other sites
pyramid Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 I just hope it goes over well... You are doing it again. Focus on expressing YOUR feelings. you can't control his. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 I'm sorry, but you are 25 and have been in relationships for ~9 years of your life? You sound codependent. There's no way at your age that you could have been in three relationships for the length of time you mentioned except if you're hopping from one relationship to the next. Then, on top of it you mention wanting a 'happily ever after' and being a doormat for two of these men. I cannot even begin to start to tell you what you should do to fix the above. I would personally see a therapist though. Somewhere along the way, your view of relationships, love, etc. has gotten all jumbled up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurts5 Posted September 21, 2013 Author Share Posted September 21, 2013 I have been in relationships a large part of my life, yes. My first was 16-20, I jumped into my second relationship within a month, and after my second I was single for about 7 months before entering this relationship. I can see your point on me being codependent because I have not spent much time with myself and always seem to have a boyfriend. Every boyfriend that I've ever had has been someone I've known in my life at one point or another, never a complete stranger that I'm just getting to know. I live in a very small town. Ido finding myself depending on others to make me happy even though I know happiness is supposed to come from within. But for me I feel that if I'm making someone else happy then I'm making myself happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 But for me I feel that if I'm making someone else happy then I'm making myself happy. How do you feel you could work on changing this? I don't think you need to go to the other extreme and become a cold, calculative bitch. It's good to want to make your partner happy. Not so good to do this with no regard for your own feelings and especially no regard for the principle of things. When you put up with something he does just to 'make him happy', ask yourself, "Is the behaviour I am putting up with, something that someone who cares about making ME happy would do?" Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I am completely aware of me being the doormat. I get so mad at myself for acting this way but I just want things to work and be ok so I guess that's why I let myself get walked all over. I know it's terrible. I really appreciate your comments. He is 26. And he always has said to me how important communication is meanwhile the most important times for us to communicate equals him being distant and giving me the cold shoulder. I'm hoping to talk to him today and figure this whole thing out. I just hope it goes over well... Sadly, this is an unhealthy, and self-destructive PoV. You cannot fix what refuses to budge, no matter how much effort YOU put in. You can't see-saw on your own, you can't play tennis on your own, you can't dance a tango on your own.... A relationship is a partnership, an agreement to commit equally to a situation where win-win is the order of the day. So far, all I've 'seen' from what you say, is that, honey, you're setting yourself up to be the constant loser..... I have been in relationships a large part of my life, yes. My first was 16-20, I jumped into my second relationship within a month, and after my second I was single for about 7 months before entering this relationship. I can see your point on me being codependent because I have not spent much time with myself and always seem to have a boyfriend. Every boyfriend that I've ever had has been someone I've known in my life at one point or another, never a complete stranger that I'm just getting to know. I live in a very small town. I do finding myself depending on others to make me happy even though I know happiness is supposed to come from within. But for me I feel that if I'm making someone else happy then I'm making myself happy. You can't be happy doing that perpetually, because after a while, your reserves of altruism will be exhausted, you'll become resentful, and you will continue the behaviour because it has become a pattern, a habit, and something it will then be difficult to stop, because of the repercussions and backlash.... So that's when you will find it harder and harder to extricate yourself from the position of servitude you will have created. My advice would be to quit this relationship, find a therapist, some good self-help books, and live on your own, for yourself, for a while. Trust me, it's the greatest gift you could give yourself, and far more rewarding than anything you will ever gain out of this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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