dichotomy Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 When I post on this section it is done with learning only - no bashing. I hope all responders (who may not be OW/OM) follow the same. Anyway - can anyone enlightenment (share experiences or stories) on affairs that are based on sex, or perhaps affection, or other very specific limited needs, but both partners realize from the start there is no expectation or even want - that anyone is leaving their spouse(s). Does this make it easier to continue the affair, or help the other to keep it discrete, or perhaps relieve more guilt, when you compartmentalize or limit the affair this way?
Sooverhim Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Well, I'll tell you about my experience Dichotomy. When I was having my A my M was in a bad way and for me it was an exit A, I was head over heels in love with XMM and I saw what we had as a real relationship and was planning a future together, me and him, living happily ever after. My XMM on the other hand didn't feel the same way. Initially, and I'm talking a couple of weeks here, he was full of dreams and fantasies of us being together, but very quickly he realised his love for his wife meant that he wouldn't ever be leaving her. He still wanted to continue his relationship with me though, as it was, nothing more nothing less. It was the perfect situation for him ... is loving, loyal, devoted, saintly perfect W and fabulous family and home life ... his main compartment, and some excitement and fantasy life with out of this world sex with me .... his minor compartment. He wanted the two to co-exist. For me though this situation was completely unsatisfactory, not to mention being destructive, traumatic and painful. So, to summarise, my XMM's ability to compartmentalise and his desire to just have sex with me made it easy for him to continue the A ... he thought it was great and would have carried on indefinitely or until his W found out. My inability to compartmentalise and need to have a proper full time committed relationship led to me ending the A and re-engaging in my M ... and thankfully turning my life around and having a happy, fulfilling loving relationship with my H and children:) 1
MissBee Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 When I post on this section it is done with learning only - no bashing. I hope all responders (who may not be OW/OM) follow the same. Anyway - can anyone enlightenment (share experiences or stories) on affairs that are based on sex, or perhaps affection, or other very specific limited needs, but both partners realize from the start there is no expectation or even want - that anyone is leaving their spouse(s). Does this make it easier to continue the affair, or help the other to keep it discrete, or perhaps relieve more guilt, when you compartmentalize or limit the affair this way? I think there can be affairs where it is just a booty call situation and then affairs where the parties (or at least one party) thinks of it as an actual relationship. When you think of your affair as an actual relationship and have the same investment and expectations it's gonna be more difficult emotionally and logistically for you to deal with the inherent limitations of the A and everything is just more serious. This is with every relationship though, the more you invest emotionally the more things matter and have the power to bother you vs. if you don't. I have been with 2 committed guys, but I only considered one an A technically. The one I considered an A was because we had a relationship and I was emotionally invested. With the other guy, he was no doubt cheating, but in my mind we weren't in an "affair", as it was only sex. I had no emotional attachment to him, didn't share hopes, dreams, my inner feelings, neither did I talk to him frequently or anything. I didn't care about what he did or his relationship at the time, which was LD, and I saw him and hung out when I wanted sex and it just ended naturally too without any discussion. I would also not do that again, but it was A LOT easier than my actual A and rightly or wrongly, I felt less guilt because I think I felt like I wasn't a "threat" to their relationship as I didn't in fact want him and once he was out of sight, he was out of mind.
Daisy2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Well, I'll tell you about my experience Dichotomy. When I was having my A my M was in a bad way and for me it was an exit A, I was head over heels in love with XMM and I saw what we had as a real relationship and was planning a future together, me and him, living happily ever after. My XMM on the other hand didn't feel the same way. Initially, and I'm talking a couple of weeks here, he was full of dreams and fantasies of us being together, but very quickly he realised his love for his wife meant that he wouldn't ever be leaving her. He still wanted to continue his relationship with me though, as it was, nothing more nothing less. It was the perfect situation for him ... is loving, loyal, devoted, saintly perfect W and fabulous family and home life ... his main compartment, and some excitement and fantasy life with out of this world sex with me .... his minor compartment. He wanted the two to co-exist. For me though this situation was completely unsatisfactory, not to mention being destructive, traumatic and painful. So, to summarise, my XMM's ability to compartmentalise and his desire to just have sex with me made it easy for him to continue the A ... he thought it was great and would have carried on indefinitely or until his W found out. My inability to compartmentalise and need to have a proper full time committed relationship led to me ending the A and re-engaging in my M ... and thankfully turning my life around and having a happy, fulfilling loving relationship with my H and children:) This pretty much sums it up except for the happily married again part for me. I'm enduring, that's about it. And, while I'm not sure exA stayed because he loves his wife, he still chose to stay, out of commitment, so he said. I think he was just a cake eater and when things got too serious with us, he had to run. I don't think there was ever truth that he would leave, but I had that expectation based on things he said. I'd never have had an A just to have one.
Author dichotomy Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 (edited) Pierre, I am pretty sure OP is a guy who's wife had an affair. Yes this is true. It is in the way past now. I don't wish to divert from this thread, or give the whole story of her life and mine, but as I understand it (which is limited) it had elements of the structure I mentioned above. As other have posted to this thread - it seems one person (perhaps the gal) finds her self wanting more. It gets messy and unstable - pushing thing, emotions running high, mistakes or threats, etc.. and then BS finds out. Or the affair from the get go was presented by one (usually the MM) as his marriage is ending and he is looking to leave soon (ya - old story) I am curious however to hear if there are others who have BOTH been able to "keep it in a box" - with BOTH affair partners understanding "it is what it is" and nothing more. I am not saying its just a sexual thing, but maybe more like close friends with benefits on the side kind of thing. But maybe most people are not able to contain themselves like this. I am reminded of a movie - was it with Alan Alda ? Same Time Next year ? Edited September 21, 2013 by dichotomy
whatatangledweb Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 In my husband's affair both knew it was just an affair. She then wanted more. I think most that start this way usually end up with one person wanting more out of it. 1
bentleychic Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 The A that my exH was involved in with a MW was purely a "friends with benefits" thing. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." As he says, he was lonely and she gave him attention that he desperately craved at the time. From what he told me, she seemed to fall for him, though and actually told him she loved him and was considering leaving her BH, even though exH told her from the start that he didn't want anything more. (It's recently over and he doesn't know why. She just kind of disappeared. However, he's okay with it. He's no longer in the desperate and lonely place that he was when it first started and swears he never would have gotten involved to begin with if he hadn't been originally and that he'll never get involved with a married person again. I hope he's right.)
randomwoman Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 This was my situation. Our agreement going in was that we were both 'satisfied' with the way our lives were and that there were no intentions on leaving our current spouses. This was to be for fun only. Looking back on this, I think we only mentioned it because we were both new to having feelings for someone outside of our marriages. Saying this was kind of like being in denial..."we are good people because we intend to stay married although we are clearly acting inappropriately" I also know his wife so I feel that this was his way to protect her image so that I wouldn't judge his marriage as being on unstable ground in the beginning. Hmm, lost my train of thought...but I do think it helps people who are in denial about what a ****ty thing they are doing to their spouses. It's like if I say that one positive thing in between sexts, it makes it all ok. Definitely doesn't make sense..but affairs in general aren't usually logical. 1
psm04 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Neither myself nor my xAP said that we would leave our spouses to be with each other. Actually, in the very beginning, he told me that he loved his wife, and that he wasn't leaving. A few months later, that turned into him crying and telling me that his kids would be devastated if he and his wife split up. As our A progressed, we went from 'not leaving' to 'we can't leave'. I know that there are people who can leave the emotional stuff out of it and just have fun. What I've learned about myself is that I can't. I completely fell for him. He said that he did too, and i believe him. We started getting more careless, acting like we were in a relationship, but it was all within the parallel universe. I do think though that the lack of the expectation to leave did make it easier to continue what we were doing. We rationalized it as 'well, we are not hurting anyone'. Well, I was hurting myself though. I am not good at compartmentalizing when it comes to love. I just couldn't give my all to him, and come home and give my all to my H. I'm quoting what sooverhim said - "my XMM's ability to compartmentalise and his desire to just have sex with me made it easy for him to continue the A ... he thought it was great and would have carried on indefinitely or until his W found out. My inability to compartmentalise and need to have a proper full time committed relationship led to me ending the A and re-engaging in my M" This is where I feel like I've ended up. 1
compulsivedancer Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Several of the ladies above have said things that ring true for me. OM and I both said before we started any of this that we would not leave our SOs (Dichotomy, I believe you are familiar with my story. We were still talking at this point in the context of open relationship discussions. I thought I was just looking for sex, but when I look back, I believe I was looking for a second relationship). In many ways that made it easier because there were no expectations of this progressing. We figured we'd play it out as far as it'd go and then it would fade off or we'd "maintain." Toward the end, things were starting to run their course (I think - it's all so confusing, because I was simultaneously starting to feel deeper feelings for him. I guess I just assumed that my feelings would cause him to end things as they were). H had decided to reconsider his position on the open marriage (in response to me pulling away, he told me later), so we were discussing our options (at this point, we were already having sex). I think the plan was that whenever the regular meetings and conversations ended, whenever it naturally came to an end (for some reason, I guess I was convinced this would happen sooner or later), we would probably meet up once or twice a month when we were horny (f*ck buddies). I think I got off track. The point, was: it was kind of freeing not to go into it with expectations of a great romance. We could see where it went and then go from there. I think a part of me was hoping that I'd be able to keep him on the side for the rest of my life, as I said, a secondary relationship. But, as the other ladies stated, I was starting to develop feelings for him at the end, and I had pretty much checked out of my relationship with H. I sincerely doubt OM would've ever left his comfortable relationship with his GF, that he had tailored so well over the years to his needs (leaving her depressed, because he wasn't meeting HER needs in the relationship). Grr...I don't know if I answered any of your questions. If you want to know more, ask, and I'll try to be clearer.
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