KaiaMahina Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 One of the circles of hell in Dante's Inferno should be "those who are damnably single at the holiday season" because let me tell you, there's nothing like watching couples walking hand-in-hand through a gentle snowfall, or snuggling together while he ties up her skates, or mooning at each other over a candle-lit Thanksgiving dinner while YOU are on the outside looking in...and that's just on television. Watching real life is even more hateful and bitter! Yeah, I'm suffering a crushing relapse, and I'm not too proud to admit it. Because this time last year, he and I were making Thanksgiving dinner together, just the two of us. And we spent Christmas (admittedly with his kin who are a cross between the Walton and the Manson families) as a canoodling engaged couple. When his brother-in-law presented his sister with a mini-van (complete with a big red bow) on Christmas Eve, and he turned to me and said, "I wish I could give you things like that," I replied, "I already have everything I want." And gave him a smooch. Couldn't you just vomit? Coming from a naturally cynical and sarcastic type such as myself, you can judge how utterly besotted I was with this man to have said something which even a Hallmark card would cringe at. Oh, the shame, the shame! Anyway, I don't know about other dumpees, but when I hear poignant stories on television this season about Christmas trees setting people's houses on fire and thus destroying their merrymaking I'll crow maliciously and hug myself close to my own shriveled, bitter heart and think, "Well, isn't that TOO BAD that someone is having some hard times this holiday season!" Mind you, that's only if there are no injuries or fatalities. Even I have some compassion. Honestly, after 5 months of grief and loneliness and self-reflection and anger and more loneliness, this is just too damn much! I've spent most of my life as a solitary wanderer on earth...I had thought those days were over with this man who wanted so much to be with me every day, wake up with me every morning, and call me his wife. What the @#!$ happened and more importantly WHY the #@#!$ did it happen to ME?! I've paid my dues, with such deadly interest that it makes credit card debt look like pennies on the dollar! I've become self-sufficient, I enjoy being in my own company, I'm a strong person, I take care of myself. All those things that you're told to learn to avoid being in a relationship for because you're needy or emotionally insecure. I'm neither, and can't find the simple love and companionship that most human beings seek...just someone who loves me that I can love in turn. What's the big deal? Am I asking too much to be with someone who understands and appreciates me? Am I asking too much to be with someone whom I understand and cherish? Ugh!!!!! I've reached the point where I'm bitter and angry with the universe in its entirety. And believe me, this makes finding any comfort in metaphysical or spiritual venues damned difficult! I don't feel like praying to a divine being, I feel like sending a nuclear warhead up into the stratosphere to pay it out for sentencing me to a life of loneliness punctuated with dashed hopes, failed relationships, betrayal and abandonment. I've been shaken down to the foundation of my soul, the place where you start asking not just what the hell happened, and why did it happen to me, but the grand-daddy of all questions: What the %$@#! am I even doing here?! I despise it when well-meaning people try to appease you by telling you things like, "Perhaps you're meant to learn how to be alone," or "Being with someone isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway," and "You can have a wonderful life without a man in it." Bulls**t. If that's true, why are all these people giving you these pearls of wisdom MARRIED?! If being alone is so great, why don't they get a quickie Mexican divorce and come on out here with the rest of us who are alone and make merry? You can have a wonderful life without a companion if that is your inclination! But it's not the inclination of most humans! Even the Bible says that man wasn't meant to be alone! And neither is a woman. Why do these people think that you can live in and of yourself? It's insanity, and it's insulting to those of us who are still truly seeking instead of having settled for some dysfunctional relationship with the wrong person. The holiday season, far from being the most wonderful time of the year, seems to be the time when the happy get happier and the sad jump off the nearest bridge. I was dumped just before July 4 and spent the summer alone. Same with autumn. Now winter and the blasted holidays are approaching and I'd like to fast-forward to March so that I can write it all off, including and especially Valentine's Day. Well, this too shall pass. Just not quickly enough to suit me. I'm more than ready to stop being envious of other people's happiness and to have a little, just a little, of my own. These days, that expectation seems pretty hollow, but then, even the best of us grow weary and fall by the wayside once in a while. And I'm far from the best. It's just that this gets real old real quick and I needed to vent. And what better place than among friends?
djones Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 HI KM, I was wondering how you were doing, I really liked you insights and wisdom you gave to me in the summer....I dont know if you remember me, I was the one asking you questions like why is god doing this to us, why do good people get heart broken, etc....I was dumped around the same time as you and I know what you are feeling right now about the holydays I have read some other posters, that are also expressing the same grief when it comes to the holydays, I hate this time too, you go to the stores and you see people (couples) buying things or you see gift ideas that you could have bought for our ex's....Its a real downer at this time of year when you dont have someone.....I got two invitations this week from my friends for one a christmas party and one for new years....both were real nice but I felt a little mad when I saw "please bring your significant other as well!!" yeah well I dont have a significant other.......I think this time of the year just makes us feel more lonely than ever, people are more happy and are in love etc....for me it just makes me more sad that I am not with my ex....I am trying back the dating waters, but i dont think i am ready even with the holyday blues...I still ask why god is doing this to us and I still dont know why.....lets just hope we find happiness soon....take care
johnny1968 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I've been on many message boards for many years. That was absolutely one of the best posts I've ever read. Not so much because I feel very much the same way right now, but the honesty reflected is brilliant! For what it's worth, your honesty and candor are very endearing, and is extremely attractive as well! My brand new wife just dumped me flat on my ass, so I know what you're going through. This is especially tough during the holidays. God bless, and remember, you're not totally alone out here.
immoralist Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 km, you're the best pure writer I've seen on LS in my various incarnations. You're writing is so strong, original, mordant and , at times, laugh-out-loud funny, that I marvel more at your art than I empathize with your considerable pain. Your talent eclipses your wounds. I hope this writing is cathartic for you, km. Because your pain is every reader's gain. You have turned your rage at the loneliness into an art form. And you will hook-up, again. I just know it.
mj108 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 KM--Wow! I feel the same way! It's been lonely for me. Me & my ex just broke up 2 months ago & it's been hard to see couples around me. I'm generally the 3rd-5th or 23rd wheel. When he was with me it was even out, you know? I have the blues just like you for this holiday season. I hate seeing couples all giddy & snuggling but Actually...I envied them more. I have been with someone during the season & wondered if every single female thought that of me. Now I'm the one single---lonely---frustrated--- Lets hope that things will get better for both of us & the other single people dreading this holiday season! We will get through it & you never know what the new year will bring.
mischafan160 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I know exactly how you feel!!!!!! Just last weekend, in the evening my girlfriends and I went to the mall, and I SWEAR to God in one store we were the ONLY SINGLE PEOPLE in the ENTIRE store. It was ridiculous...everyone was half of a couple. I recently discovered that my ex boyfriend may be seeing someone else, and it hasn't even been two months since we broke up. This makes me think that perhaps something was going on while we were still going out, and that hurts so much. I am feeling more depressed right now than I ever did, because ever since he dumped me, in the back of my mind I really though, "Oh this is such a joke. We are going to get back together, it's just a matter of time." And now for the first time, it is really hitting me that we probably won't. That it's really over and he's really over me. And I feel like I am the only existing person who remembers what we used to have, for more than a year. Because we had something REALLY good and now everyone in the world has forgotten about it and moved on except me. It's so hard to let go of, because for a year I WAS HAPPY. Really truly happy, and like you said, I thought I was going to marry this guy. I thought I didn't have to worry about relationships anymore cause I found my One and I was settled and done and comfortable. The foundation of my life has been ripped out from under my feet and it's so hard to believe that it will ever come back.
johan Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 "...the best pure writer I've seen on LS in my various incarnations!" "..writing is so strong, original, mordant and , at times, laugh-out-loud funny!" "...Her talent eclipses her wounds!" "...Her pain is every reader's gain. She has turned her rage at the loneliness into an art form!" Reviews to make Stephen King jealous.
WantanS4 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 All, HELLO there stranger... been a while since you've posted. I don't necessairly feel the same way about the holidays... because when we were together, we spent them with MY family....... so if anyone's gonna feel the loss, it'll be her! Anyways, being heartbroken and in many ways PISSED OFF...... I decided to spend this holiday season in Sin City..... yup..... LAS VEGAS! Boy... it's gonna be fun and who knows... maybe i'll pay to get laid I hope it hurts her........ I really do hope she breaks down at least once during the holidays and tries to find me only to realize that I'm having the time of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B!TCH! So, how about........ anyone else for a week in Vegas?!
Merin Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by WantanS4 So, how about........ anyone else for a week in Vegas?! Oh oh ME ME pick ME! The holidays.. bleck! Crap!
WantanS4 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Seriously....... where else could you possiblly go to forget your S.O.???? Nowhere!!!!! What happens in Vegas..... EVERYONE ON THE LOVESHACK WILL KNOW!!!!!!!!!
Merin Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Originally posted by WantanS4 Seriously....... where else could you possiblly go to forget your S.O.???? Nowhere!!!!! What happens in Vegas..... EVERYONE ON THE LOVESHACK WILL KNOW!!!!!!!!! Yay for Vegas! Something to be very Thankful for right there!
mj108 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 WantanS4--- You go! I hope you have fun! Wish I could be there. lol Like I said---we have that bet. ha You'll probably win!
Weird Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Man I need to go to vegas one of these days. I keep waiting for some buddies to go but they don't have the cash so it always gets put off. Bah
Author KaiaMahina Posted November 24, 2004 Author Posted November 24, 2004 Thanks to all who gave me such glowing reviews! Honestly, it did my shriveled, bitter heart some much-needed good! Today being the day before Thanksgiving, everyone here at work is in a loquacious and giddy mood. The set up is that I work with all women, 99% of whom are married (happily, unhappily and indifferently). Naturally, being women, they don't stop by your cubby to talk to you about carburetors or Playboy photo spreads, they stop by your cubby to talk "girl talk." And at this jovial time of the year, all the talk is about what they're going to be doing for Thanksgiving. After informing me in (tedious) detail about their plans, they then zero in on the killer question, "And where are you going for Thanksgiving?" Ahhhh....! Where is the poor single girl going for Thanksgiving, you know, the one whose fiance dumped her one week after looking at engagement rings! Unfortunately, I'm disabled by a crippling burden of honesty (which is what got me dumped to begin with), and thus I reply, "I'm staying at home." Oh! Then the interrogation begins! "You're staying home? You're not going to your family? (My family is spread out between 1000 and 3000 miles from me.) You're not going to sit home ALONE, are you?" This is all delivered in the sweetest and most compassionate of tones, but the stark, unblinking eyes staring back at you are those of a shark who smells blood in the water. Get this! About an hour ago, one woman (whose holiday plans I had to overhear on each of her phone calls to various and sundry people) literally interrogates me for 10 minutes! "You're going to stay home and watch television? Aren't you going to cook a turkey? Aren't you going to at least buy a pie? Aren't you going to go to someone's house?" Like the world's biggest and most persistent leech, she refused to be dislodged. Finally, she pauses and looks at me with melting empathy and says, "I'd invite you to my house, but you'd be alone there, too." Can you believe that f*****g s**t?! While I was deciding whether I would burst into tears or launch myself over my desk, grab her by her pathetic throat and throttle her to death while banging her empty head over and over on the floor, she must have sensed something in the air because she finally went away. The worst part is, that she wasn't being deliberately malicious in the least. She's an kind, albeit incredibly moronic, woman who has absolutely NO TACT WHATSOEVER. I'd like to crucify her upside down, but that's like poisoning a cat because it claws up your expensive draperies. It's simply idiotic, unconscious cruelty on her part and I'm sure I'd pull down some heavy duty karmic debt if I belted her one. Mind you, I don't think that any of us are suffering because of the natural humilation involved in being the odd man/woman out. We're suffering because we've lost something (we mistakenly believed to be) precious to us, and grieving the loss of companionship, understanding, intimacy (not to mention that thing we used to do...oh, you know...that thing where you're doing something with someone else...oh, yeah...sex!) we had foolishly accustomed ourselves to. Why does it have to be exacerbated by all this holiday bulls**t and the snipes of those who aren't looking around and suddenly finding themselves alone under the mistletoe? Thus begins the holiday season for me. I can hardly wait to see what Christmas and -- oh, especially! -- New Year's has to bring. One thing this does is build empathetic muscle. I see all the people who are alone at this time of year: those who have lost others to death in the past year, those who are in the process of losing someone who are in these very days in the process of dying, those who are separated from friends and family and "significant others" (how's about Christmas in Iraq?), and those who are homeless, friendless, hungry, frightened, abused, lost...there are far worse things than what I'm suffering, as often as I bewail my fate. And if I have anything to be thankful for this year, it's that I have the power to reach out to those people, and that a bad experience at the hands of an uncaring and thoughtless person can help me to see those people even more clearly. Yeah, my ex is about to spend the day with his family, replete with giant turkey with all the trimmings, fun, frolic and merriment abounding. Maybe even with a new girlfriend or fiancee. Well, God (or whatever) bless him. I hope that he enjoys himself thoroughly and doesn't have to give a thought to all those lonely people I've described, and not suffer even a twinge of guilt about how shabbily he treated me. mischafan, drjones, johnny and all, it's the lousy hand we've been dealt this year (and I'm sure some of us have been dealt it more times than we care to admit) and apparently we'll just have to play it as well as we can. Sometimes I feel as though it was all a strange dream, or that it was a cruel cosmic joke played on me by God/the Universe/Fate (here's some love and happiness for a little while, but ooops! sorry! gotta take it away from you now! wasn't that fun?!) Mostly I just feel angry and shell shocked. The greatest thing I've learned is that I deserve better than this. Immoralist, thank you for the good words and good thought! And yes, even though I feel I should cut my losses and just apply at the nearest convent for the first available vacancy, this is indeed cathartic for me and helps me get through the darker times. I'll tell you, this is like being lost in limitless underground caverns with one of those little cheapo lighters that you buy at the 7-11 and damned if it ain't on it's last drop of fluid! It's nice to see the other little lights like those of everyone here and that's more comfort than I've found in a long time. Happy Thanksgiving to all...play it the best way you can and don't let 'em see you sweat! Signing off for the loooooonnnnngggg holiday weekend, it is, as always Kaia
Weird Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 While I was deciding whether I would burst into tears or launch myself over my desk, grab her by her pathetic throat and throttle her to death while banging her empty head over and over on the floor, she must have sensed something in the air because she finally went away. Oh damn, I'd have paid good money to see that and me thinks if you did whup her ass you could have PPVed that sumbitch for 39.95. I really don't know what to say in reply to your two awesome posts here other than you sound like a female version of me. I like that:) Here's hoping you get the happiness you deserve. I don't like seeing good people depressed or jerked around.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I echo the Vegas idea. A sure remedy for all that ails. I went with friends a week after my separation. Best therapy I could have asked for.
DESI Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Sometimes I feel as though it was all a strange dream, or that it was a cruel cosmic joke played on me by God/the Universe/Fate (here's some love and happiness for a little while, but ooops! sorry! gotta take it away from you now! wasn't that fun?!) This is great, I feel the same way right now. I am so down about the holidays and even though like you said I think about all those homeless people and those people in Iraq etc... I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but it still hurts more then I could ever describe. I feel exactly the sameway you have described in all your posts. It is very sad. Both my roommates have boyfriends and as they are telling me in detail how they are spending thanksgiving with their boyfriends I can't help but get sad and feel jealous. At this time last year I swear to God, I was the happiest person alive. I glowed. I was so happy. Now I just feel so empty, and so lonely, and I think about what he is doing for the holidays. Who knows maybe he is spending it with a new girlfriend maybe even a fiance. I wish they would just go away, and that everyone would just skip the holidays this year.
moimeme Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 Well, here's a thought. Use the day to celebrate you. Do exactly what you want to do. Go buy yourself the best steak or the finest Cornish hens or the most wonderful rack of lamb you can find and make yourself a dinner you love. Get out your favourite music or movies or books and enjoy them. Pamper yourself with a home spa. Eat your way through the largest Godiva bar you can find. Go for your favourite walk. In short, indulge. If you find that you require people to make your day happy, go to a restaurant or a mall and look around. There will most certainly be at least one elderly person sitting alone who might welcome a kind greeting. Most places put meals on for homeless folks and the organizers often need help. Or round up some 'strays' - single folks that maybe you work with who will be around and alone for the holiday and create a feast together. Check out your local paper and see what events there are. And if you want to give thanks, read LS for a while and be thankful that you aren't living with a cheater or an abuser or in any one of a few hundred other nasty situations that you could be in. Not all those couples you see when you're out are happy, after all. It is extremely tempting to look at the empty section of your glass and dwell on its emptiness. Resist the temptation and rejoice in the contents the glass contains. Life is very short. You might as well find ways to enjoy it even if it's not exactly as you'd have it at the moment.
djones Posted November 25, 2004 Posted November 25, 2004 KM, Your quote: Sometimes I feel as though it was all a strange dream, or that it was a cruel cosmic joke played on me by God/the Universe/Fate (here's some love and happiness for a little while, but ooops! sorry! gotta take it away from you now! wasn't that fun?!) Yeah, I often wonder about this myself....its so funny (really its not) that we strive for happiness and God wants us to love one another, so why does he take it away from us when we are in love.....are we not worthy of this? What did I do wrong....loved my ex too much?? being a nice guy?? I did not know that was a bad thing in this day and age....What hurts is the emptyness you feel when you see others happy and doing the "couple thing" ie holding hands in the mall or just sharing a ice cream together...for a very long time I was single, my school came first and I was comfortable being single its was fine....I had the times where I felt like it would be nice to have someone....but when I was in a realtionship with my ex, It was great, I was happy and just looked at life in a different light, but then when the break up happened...it was like why the hell did you expose me to this wonderfull felling God and then take it away from me....Some times I wiished I never had that feeling of being in love with someone.....I was doing fine being single....thats when I think yeah we are a cosmic joke played by God/fate/universe or whatever it is....Yeah people will say well its something you have to learn and experience....well you know what I rather read a book on it or see a movie and see someone one else go through heartbreak.... Oh I know how you feel when people ask you about your holyday plans...man its like people cant fathom that one can be alone for the holydays..they look at you as if you have a disease!!......ssure it sucks but what can you do.....sometimes I think people who are in relationships forget whats it like to be alone...or they forget they were alone at one point in thier life and they are the luck ones to find someone......welll thats my rant for today...take care and have a nice T-day
mischafan160 Posted November 27, 2004 Posted November 27, 2004 Drjones, I totally agree. It's so much harder to be single now, after you know what real happiness and love feels like. I personally find it impossible to even do the random hookup now. It just cannot compare to the comfort of being with someone who loves you and knows you completely. I think that what hurts the most is remembering a time where you were really, truly happy...and wondering if you will ever get there again. At least religious people have their faith that God is looking out for them and that there is that special someone out there for them. But as an atheist, I have no such luxury...I have no God looking out for me and I have no assurances that I will ever find that happiness again. I think it's the loss of hope that gets us so miserable. OH MAN I need to stop thinking about this!!!!
Author KaiaMahina Posted November 29, 2004 Author Posted November 29, 2004 Here in New England, we have quaint antique "burying yards" (also known as cemeteries) and I believe that it's in one such yard that was erected a tombstone with the following (paraphrased) inscription: "As you are now, I once was...as I am now, you will be." Meaning, to the living reader of the inscription, "Yeah, I was once like you, hoppin' and boppin' and jivin', but one day you'll be like I am now -- deader than Julius Caesar's dog." How does this apply to those of us who are struggling with loneliness and despair this holiday season, as we walk the world alone and see others snuggling, cuddling and staring at each other, starry-eyed beneath the mistletoe, and remembering with bitter pangs that just 12 short months ago that that was us? Like this. She may be happy now, but she may go home with that guy and he'll belt her one around the earhole. He may be happy now, but he might just discover her with her legs over her head with his best friend on New Year's Eve. Like my former priest once said (in the dim dark days when I was still a Catholic): "Happiness is fleeting." We may envy these people now, but in just 12 short months, they may be as we are now. Kinda puts things into perspective. Especially if you are, as I admittedly am, a little vindictive. And, as moimeme so succinctly pointed out, you don't know what kind of relationships some coupled folks are in. She's right...things could be worse. I personally got through Thanksgiving by thinking, "In England today, everyone is going to work as usual. In China, life goes on. In the Arctic, puffins are puffing. What's the big deal?" The following day, the "sob stories" began to trickle in. From a couple I know who spent the holiday 1000 miles apart because he went to his family's and she stayed home because she can't stand them. From friends and acquaintances venting their dysfunctional family gathering angst. Like my grandmother used to say, "You never know what goes on in someone else's house." And sometimes, you don't want to know. PS to Weird -- I have to ask: if I'm a female version of you (and you are, as well, a male version of me) is it safe for both of us to be in the same hemisphere, or should one of us move to South America?
EnglishChick Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Do you think there's any chance we could cancel Christmas this year? I can't face it. He should be flying over to see me for New Year and I should be going there for Christmas, I should be counting down the days but instead I'm dreading finishing work for the holidays and having to wonder what he's doing and who he's spending his time with. After spending what felt like an eternity picking out his present last year now I see tonnes of things I know he'd love and I can't give them to him. I miss him so much but then I want to make him hurt as much as he's hurt me. Why won't this stop?! Cancel it all I say, until we've all found our previous happy selves and can enjoy it without obsessing and trying to forget. Bah Humbug.
Weird Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 PS to Weird -- I have to ask: if I'm a female version of you (and you are, as well, a male version of me) is it safe for both of us to be in the same hemisphere, or should one of us move to South America? Yes. There is some fine print in the laws of the universe that says we can be in the same hemisphere and we won't bring the end to the world....unless we want to;) Another great post by you. So good. What your former priest said and what you touched on is so true. You can see people be so happy but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and some relationships with people who seem soooo in love and happy end up going down the ****ter just like our relationships have. MY best friend is a perfect example. I break up, shortly after he got involved with his ex and they went on about how happy they were and all that jazz. Sure enough a little over a year later (so this past march) they break up and he is left feeling more screwed than I felt. 2003 and 2004 are the eyar of break-ups from what I see. Every non-marriage relationship that I know of personally has broken up in these past 2 years. Freaky. Maybe we do need to be in different hemispheres.
mj108 Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 Moimeme---I always love your advice. I mean, It has always been uplifting to me. So true & very uplifting. Yeah---I'm going to be alone like everyone here but I think since I survived Turkey day---I can survive Christmas. I'm trying to stay positive---I'm trying to put these thoughts in my head that everything is going to be fine! We got through Turkey day---we can get through Christmas. I'm going to decorate my new home that I'm thankful for. Since I'm trying to stay busy not thinking about the guy that broke my heart this year---I'll probably have more lights outside than the whole neighborhood! I'm going to go on & not let some *****ed up ex ruin my Christmas. I'm going to have fun...even if I'm the 3rd wheel or the 5th or the 23rd wheel. If I'm by myself for Christmas---so be it. I'll just get me some wine & cook that Christmas meal & share the ham with my cats who will be thankful as well. lol I'm sure of it. My heart is breaking just like everyone elses. I'm dreading it...but I'm trying to think positive...the only thing I know to do to get through it, you know? I may even be on LS on Christmas day venting. ha We could all get on here & have Christmas day together & just vent & eat our dinner. I just know that 2005---is going to be LS online family Year! WE WILL SURVIVE 2005! It will get better for all of us here. We've been through too much & next year we will have our time! Well, take care everyone! Thanks for letting me share & vent. MJ PS---KM---your writing is awesome!
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