clandestinidad Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Hi everyone!! I have a little question, and would appreciate any responses, especially from guys. My boyfriend seems very serious about me, and talks about specific things in the future, and has told me that he's thought about what he'll say when he asks me the big question, etc. We're great together and have lots of fun, blah blah blah.... Here's the thing...last night and today we've been arguing about money stuff. Mainly the issue is about taking me out to movies or dinner etc, not even any place really nice. He said that he feels like he HAS to pay for me. There are numerous times that I pay for myself, but generally I think that sometimes when we're eating out or going to a movie, or any other "date-type thing" that he would enjoy paying for me and "taking out his girl". We only see each other on the weekends, and we dont go out very much. Last night he said "Well its MY money, and I feel like I HAVE to spend it on YOU". That really hurt me, and I cant put it into words. Today, we're still talking about it and he keeps saying things that make me feel like crap. For example he has said that when he has to pay for my dinner or what-not he feels like he's having to "provide" for me, and that he doesnt want to feel like that. I feel like he's basically saying "i dont want to take you out to dinner, or even pay for your fast food, or spend any of my money on you"....and "it makes me feel like i'm having to provide for you". I thought boyfriends/husbands take their girls out on dates to spend time having fun together and make her feel special. And when I talk about taking out or having to pay for me, I'm saying its MAYBE $15 for me (if that even). I dont have a job yet (i'm a student w/ a 18 month old daughter), and he does (making about 3,500/month). Now I dont feel special at all, or that we're even in a serious relationship. Bottom line, is this whole thing about feeling like paying for some of our dates is "providing" for me, a red flag??? I mean, he only pays for a few dates now and then, so what would happen if we were married and he really WAS providing for me and kids!!! I want to be with someone who loves to take me out (nowhere nice) and show me that i'm special enough to do that with. I've never had a boyfriend act this way, so I dont know what to think. I'd appreciate it if anyone could help me put this into more specific words, b/c I dont know how else to say it, or why it hurts me so much. I'd love any input!!
SoleMate Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 No, paying for dates does NOT equal "providing". That is a strange way to think. On a date, you have the status of invited guest; if he were providing, you would be a family member with entitlement to his earnings because you are also a contributor. I do feel pretty strongly that in a dating relationship, especially when the "pursuit" stage is past and the relationship is a committed one, BOTH people should be giving in approximately equal amounts. The burden of planning time together, providing meals and entertainment, and generally taking care of relationship logistics, should be shared, WITH due attention to each person's special circumstances. If one person has a lot less disposable income than the other, then there is no expectation that they spend equal dollar amounts. The less well off person better be pretty good at cooking, packing picnics, or finding inexpensive yet tasty places to eat. Or, they could both decide that their entertainment etc. will be scaled down to the price range affordable to the less well off person. One person can choose all the movies, the other person can plan get togethers with friends. Or whatever. These things need to be worked out via communication and reasonableness on both people's part. IMO, the idea that a bf = your personal wallet is a tasteless one (not saying you have this idea, but clearly some girls/women do. Come to think of it, some men have the parasite behavior patterns down pretty well also.).
binturong Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Do you pay for any dates? I know he makes more than you do, but surely you have some kind of income to help with school bills and your child. Maybe he feels like he's doing all the giving and not getting anything back. Take him out on a cheap date...maybe fast food and a nice hike or something or make him dinner and rent a movie. Make sure to thank him after every date...it could be that he's feeling like you expect him to pay simply because he's a guy/he has a job and you don't appreciate it. I dunno, I can't really relate to you because I've never expected a guy to pay my way, whether or not he's my boyfriend. And before we merged bank accounts (got married), I would pay for us to go out too. It might not have been as lavish as what he could afford, but it was my way of showing him that I liked spending time with him, with or without the free meals.
Author clandestinidad Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Thanks for your input....I forgot to say that we've only been together for 4-5 months, so in my opinion the dates and stuff should still be going on. And I totally agree w/ you about girls (or guys even) who want to be pampered and taken out to expensive places! I'm not like that at all, and he knows this. I expect to pay for myself most of the time, and am quite adamant about it. I guess the thing that irks me is that its still a new relationship in my opinion, and he doesnt want to do the normal things guys do.
Author clandestinidad Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Yes, i pay for dates too...i took him somewhere very nice for his birthday and i got him nice things....and I pay for him when we get fast food....I pay for myself and he pays for himself other times as well. And I always make him dinners when he comes here on the weekends. When I talk about him paying for dates, its maybe 2-4 things a month (like Macaroni Grill w/ no appetizer or alcoholic drink So, maybe up to $15. I just dont know why someone would feel like a "provider" b/c of that
SoleMate Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 OK, thanks for clarifying. You're doing plenty in my book. I would find his comments offensive. If he has invited you out to eat, he should pay. Period. If he doesn't invite you somewhere, then you invite him somewhere, and pay. Or you both eat separately. Or you agree to split the bill. I agree with Dork that reasonable people usually manage this issue without too much trouble, just by letting the other person know what they can afford and being generally fair and considerate about it. For him to whine at you about the "financial burden" you are posing to him is annoying at best. Money and attitudes toward its use are a huge cause of breakups and divorce. You have a reasonable desire: for your man to show that he values you by treating you to meals. He may also have a reasonable desire: possibly not to feel like he is getting "used" by a freeloader. (Again - I know you are not a freeloader. This are his possible thoughts I am talking about.) Or he may fear the responsibility of a child. Can you talk honestly about your real needs? He needs to stop whining first. SUGGESTION: Do not even consider marrying this man until you can work out money issues to your mutual satisfaction.
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 You are a single mother with a 2 yr old kid. Women are expensive to wine and dine. Kids are VERY expensive to raise. He thinks you are looking for a meal ticket, which subconciously most women are although they will go to their grave denying it. He is anxious that if your relationship gets more and more serious his financial burden is going to get larger and larger. How do you like them apples??
Author clandestinidad Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Hahaha..."them apples"...funny "Alphamale"....but actually, he's not usually around my daughter and has never bought her anything, nor have I ever slightly indicated that he should. I also thought I had made it clear that I'm not a "wine & dine" type of person. I dont even LIKE mushy romantic stuff, or to be showered with gifts. He also fully knows my desire to stay independent and do everything for myself and my daughter. I'm not even sure that I ever want to get married, so maybe that will shed some light on how independent I am. But back to my original question....is this a red flag, that someone cringes when it comes to paying for their girlfriend?? and the random times that he does pay feels like he's having to provide???
alphamale Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Originally posted by kat23 He also fully knows my desire to stay independent and do everything for myself and my daughter. I'm not even sure that I ever want to get married, so maybe that will shed some light on how independent I am. But back to my original question....is this a red flag, that someone cringes when it comes to paying for their girlfriend?? and the random times that he does pay feels like he's having to provide??? If you have such a strong desire to "stay independent" they why is this even an issue? It makes no sense that you want to be "independent" but then get irritated when he won't pay more on your dates. This seems like hypocracy. Some of the problem here is that YOU are worried that if you get more serious or married that this guy will be a cheapo and shrug off his financial duties and obligations. I think you also need to re-examine why you are so worried about this. A woman that was truly independent and not looking for a guy to pay the bills would not care as much.
Author clandestinidad Posted November 23, 2004 Author Posted November 23, 2004 Look, I dont really want to argue with someone I dont even know. I think I've made my intentions and situation perfectly clear. My confusion about the situation comes from the fact that I, like many other women, feel special when someone takes them on dates. So when I have my boyfriend of 4-5 months talking serious about future stuff, but doesnt want to pay for me on our few dates and feels like it's "providing", it hurts and confuses me. He already knows that I DONT want someone who provides for me. Also, in my opinion being independent and taking care of my daughter and myself has nothing to do with the fact that I think its proper for a man to take out his woman because she's special to him. I would think a man would WANT to take her out now and then, and the fact that he doesnt want to makes me feel like I'm not as special as he says I am. Also, being independent doesnt mean being single for the rest of my life, or never go on dates...I would still have a relationship(s) and want to be treated a certain way....you can be independent in a number of ways.
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