He cheats on me and says he wants to be done, but gets upset when I say

[Summer Lovin]

Currently living with boyfriend, been together 3-years, and I've just come the realization that he clearly isn't as into me as I thought he was. He was during the first 6-months of the relationship. I think those 6-months he sort of led me on because he was driving me to go see my parents, talked about getting engaged, wanted to spend every moment with me, talking about a future together, etc. He said he was smitten and felt he had met his wife. I of course fell for him too. Why he would act like this and then switch, I have no idea, but it was probably because of long distance, which he had a bad prior experience with, a really bad break-up, and there was also infidelity in that relationship too.

 

Our relationship had to go into long distance because he had to move for a new job and something just switched. At this point I was madly in love with him. He had asked me to go with him, but I needed sometime to get my career settled there. I wasn't going to just pick up on a whim, but I told him I'd maintain a long distance relationship with him, and I visited him on a regular basis. I was willing to move there eventually, and I did. During this time he had every excuse s to why it wouldn't work. He hated long distance, whenever he's in long distance he's single, and he really stopped putting in a lot of effort, it was mostly me doing the visiting, and I caught him messaging girls on online dating sites. He was always making me feel guilty about not being where he was. He just complained about how much he hated it. However, clearly he wasn't committed to me since he was messaging other girls. He said it was just a moment of weakness, and I'd get upset about it, and he'd just say I was insecure. He said it would all change once I moved to where he is.

 

I ended up moving in with him which he wanted too, and he acts like I'm such a burden to him. He flat out said that he no longer wants to be with me and he needs me to move out, after he complained about how much he hated it. I have no doubt that he's been going on dates with other women while I've been living with him. I've caught him lying, and if he wanted me here, he'd be doing everything to work towards our future together. I'm now moving out, but he keeps saying things like he can't believe I'm leaving him, he still wants to come visit, he knows we'll get married, etc. He also tells me that if he finds out I meet another man he'll be at my doorstep furious, especially everything that he's done for me. I think that if he truly loved me, it wouldn't feel like he was doing SO much for me just by having me live with him or by being committed, he would just naturally want to do it. I nagged and complained too much, and he said it made him feel like nothing was appreciated after he worked so hard to make me happy. He did a lot of nice things, it's just everything was masked when I found out he was cheating. Clearly he doesn't want solely me, and I seem to be getting in the way of his "fun" since I'm not allowed to go out with any of his friends here, and it doesn't seem like he does his part. I nag because I am unhappy and he doesn't seem to be giving me what I want out of a relationship, and because I nag he feels under appreciated for the efforts he does put in. It won't work unless I accept his non-committed behaviors (which I won't), or he can commit to solely me. I'm moving out as he requested.

 

However, he twists it all around to me and says that this is only happening because I was such a pain and complained all of the time, and if I'd just be a nicer person we could be happy together, but I ruined it by being insecure. Why would he be so upset at me? I have no hard feelings against him, it's just not working, and he's the one that requested that I leave to begin with, he's the one that didn't want to be committed to begin with, so why on earth would he be upset I'm leaving and be furious if I were to date someone else? Advice?? It would be foolish of me to stay living here dependent on him when he can't even seem to commit to me, so I'm just trying to move forward, yet he sees me as the bad guy. He says that he doesn't want to break up, he just doesn't want to live together, which is code for: "I want to keep you around, but don't want to really commit to you either." I'd commit to him in a second but he doesn't seem to want to do that, yet he makes me seem like it's all my fault. I don't wish to drag this out for another 3-years, we either commit to being together or we move on, and we couldn't do the first.

[Balzac]

Three years? You're still listening to his lies? It's beyond time that you cut all ties and get yourself into therapy. This problem is about why you choose to have no personal boundaries. You brought your issues into this toxic relationship and now you'll be hauling them with you on your way out the door. Getting rid of this lout is easy - without fixing yourself there is high probability you'll choose another man just like him. You've burned three years on this one. How many guys will you allow to treat you this way before it occurs to you that the problem is you?? A marriage and kids? You'll be lucky if you're emotionally healthy enough in 6 years ---maybe.

 

What happened in your life to set you up for abusive relationships being okay??

[TaraMaiden]

Two things:

 

"We teach people how to treat us."

 

"It's the person who cares the least, who controls the most."

 

 

Sorry, three....

 

"What dafuq are you thinking - ?!?"

[HeavenOrHell]

I think it's harsh to put the blame onto her, yes she should have walked away soon as she knew what an ******* he is, but it's not her fault he's a b*stard.

 

Three years? You're still listening to his lies? It's beyond time that you cut all ties and get yourself into therapy. This problem is about why you choose to have no personal boundaries. You brought your issues into this toxic relationship and now you'll be hauling them with you on your way out the door. Getting rid of this lout is easy - without fixing yourself there is high probability you'll choose another man just like him. You've burned three years on this one. How many guys will you allow to treat you this way before it occurs to you that the problem is you?? A marriage and kids? You'll be lucky if you're emotionally healthy enough in 6 years ---maybe.

 

What happened in your life to set you up for abusive relationships being okay??

[HeavenOrHell]

Run away as fast as you can, don't allow him to control you like this.

 

 

 

>Clearly he doesn't want solely me, and I seem to be getting in the way of his "fun" since I'm not allowed to go out with any of his friends here, and it doesn't seem like he does his part. I nag because I am unhappy and he doesn't seem to be giving me what I want out of a relationship,

 

I'd commit to him in a second but he doesn't seem to want to do that, yet he makes me seem like it's all my fault. I don't wish to drag this out for another 3-years, we either commit to being together or we move on, and we couldn't do the first.

 

It would be foolish of me to stay living here dependent on him when he can't even seem to commit to me,

 

He also tells me that if he finds out I meet another man he'll be at my doorstep furious,

 

and he really stopped putting in a lot of effort, it was mostly me doing the visiting, and I caught him messaging girls on online dating sites.<

[Summer Lovin]

Thank you for the responses. I already know that I need to leave the relationship. I found another place to live. I know that I should've ended it sooner but was being naive and blinded by love. I felt like I tried so hard to make him happy and nothing was good enough. I didn't move in there at first because I wanted to get my career established there. To me, that doesn't seem unreasonable to make it long distance for that reason, and it would've been foolish to just blindly move there without any type of job. However, he wasn't happy about that and used the long distance as an excuse to seek out other women. I understand that not everyone can do long distance but was being naive to think that was a justifiable excuse.

 

So, I move there to be with him which he told me he wanted me to so badly, clearly he did to some extent because he let me move in. Now he isn't happy with me living with him because he doesn't have his freedom. I just wonder why on earth he wanted me to move in with him to begin with if he still wanted freedom. All he really did was complain about how I wasn't contributing enough. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't contribute more. I made some career sacrifices to be with him. I know I was naive enough to fall for it. I won't make the same mistake in the future.