lifeboy Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 ok so my ex dumped me like around 4 months ago. i still miss her blah blah blah. i am 23 and she is 20 and we were together for 3 years. we were each others' first love, only relationship, only sex and so forth. so she dumped me because she wanted to see what else is out there and not be just identified as "the girl that dates me". so whatever for the past month and ahalf it's been pure no contact on my part. i ignore her few calls and attempts at communication. so basically i have no clue what her deal is and all. she just transferred to a new college like half hour from me, yet i just dont know what she is up to. my best friend dates her sister, so he is the only source of intelligence that i get once in a while. so basically the scoop i have heard lately is that she is like completely a new person. she is like transforming her image and all and it's just kind of laughable, yet also sad because this is not the girl i once knew (at least externally). she used to be just like pretty standard good looking girl. but now she is like trying to be all hippy and crap. like she apparently now has some bell bottoms, is into wearing hemp, just got a TATOO, and is basically like transformed into this image that she used to laugh at people for trying so hard to be unique. i honestly have NO problem with hippies or any person's image for that matter. but what i do have a problem with is people who just like change into someone who they simply are not. like her transformation is so blatant and it's like she is assuming this new, ultra chilled out personality. it just makes me sick because it's just NOT her. i almost wouldnt be surprised if she started smoking pot in the near future just to enhance her image. once again, i have NO problem with pot or any of this stuff; but i do have a problem when she once condemned it and was like against people that try so hard to create an image. so my question is do women at like early twenties or in this sort of situation have like an identity crisis? is this common? i mean i feel like she is just trying to be her "own person" now rather than some standard girl that just has a good relationship with a good guy. yet she is just so fake about it and is going to extremes to be an "individual." is this like a quarter life crisis?? it just makes me feel like she is some completely new person and she is fooling herself into thinking that this is truly who she is. i feel like she will have some ego by being "individual" and not just a regular person like i am; almost as if it's lame to be just a regular cool person that doesnt try so hard. i dont know; just let me know what you all think. im bitter that this girl is so not who i used to date. thanks
tattoomytoe Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 it is all just part of growing up. Some people get to test new identities in high school, other wait till they go off to college. give her space, let her grow....if you do not like it do not call her or pay attention. she may just decide who she was wasn't to bad at all.
morrigan Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 It can happen when someone goes through a transition in their life--high school/college graduation, getting married, getting a new job or making a big move to another region. I would be understanding about it, but don't put your life on hold for her. Focus on what you want out of life, and allow her to live her life as she wishes. She needs time to herself to decide what she wants and whether or not she wants to be with any single person. It's better that it happened now than if you were maried to eachother.
GirlDown Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 when i broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years, i made a HUGE transition. i am so not the same person i was. i cut my hair, lost weight, started working out. i starting wearing make-up and dressing in nicer clothes. i went out and met people, people that changed my life in many many ways, that i would never have met if i was still with him. i needed this. and i never realized who i was until i was a separate person again. i needed a change, and that was the time to do it. no one to worry about; whether or not the changes i made were up to someone else's standards no longer applied to me. a big change in someone's life can trigger these other changes, especially in appearance. and obviously, she's not turning into someone she's not, because if she likes how she is now, that means it is who she is. people change their minds. i hope you're faring well, after the break-up however. i wouldn't worry so much about what she's doing...if it's really not her, she will become herself again. pretending gets old and tiresome.
Naive Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 I have a tendency of changing who I am externally depending on how I change internally. When I broke up with my boyfriend who later became my husband, I changed my way of dressing. I started to dress how I had always wanted to but did not because of him. I even seemed to glow more. I changed my posture, my way of talking and walking. This did not mean it was not me, but it did mean that it was the NEW me. Now I am 21 and my persona and life is still changing and I keep changing my looks/exterior with every phase. Maybe she just had to break out of a shell she was in while she was with you. Only she knows.
Weird Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 my ex has turned into a robot obsessed with her work. Her whole life is revovled around her job. Kinda sad since she used to be a great all around person. Oh well. The one bright side when the people change for the worse like this is that it makes it easier to not want to be back with them.
blind_otter Posted November 24, 2004 Posted November 24, 2004 Hrm. Indeed, who doesn't change? I hope my post isn't too off-putting, it has very pertinent info that few young people are aware of. Might I add that there is neurological development occuring here? The human brain does not stop developing until the mid-twenties. Even afterward, changes occur but at a much slower rate. When you're born there is an excessive amount of gray matter in the brain, which is "trimmed" about twice, once during puberty, the second time in the late teens, early twenties. It's pared down according to usage, learning foreign languages, music, mathematics - all mapping out specific neurological pathways that are most-often used. The last are of the brain to mature fully governs rational thought and decision making, which is why most of us do a lot of stupid sh*t when we're in our early twenties. Ironically this is also the time of most experimental drug use and binge drinking. Just FYI, IMO neurological development is something that we should all understand, at least on a basic level.
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