after 5 days with BS he wants to come back to me

[tiernan]

I want to vent here even though I know what I should do.

Cutting story short, i was with my xmm 4 years, 2 years ago he left his wife and we started to be openly together. they agreed that she will file for a divorce as it will be a faster way for him to confirm adultery. She did it a year and a half ago. Since then she has done literally everything to get him back. She was successful and in the end of August he started to hesitate again and saying about putting duty over love. It was too much for me and I wished him all the happiness and let him go and went NC. He has been writing to me ever since how much he loves me. 5 days ago he moved in back with his BS. That was when the intensity of e-mailing started. Tonight he wrote I am the only one whom he loves, wants a second chance and wants to be with me and come back to me. For now I stay strong and still continue NC. Is he emotionally unbalanced or did he just see that he cannot live with her anymore after 4 years of being with someone else? I still love him too, but would never be able to trust him again.

[whatatangledweb]

He seems to be a very confused man and dragging two women along for the ride. If he really wants you, he needs to move into his own place and get a divorce. Then contact you. This back and forth will drive you mad and break your heart.Please don't give in and let him move in with you.

[Calcmag]

Exactly what Tangled said.

It's hard to know whether you can take him seriously because he's so messed up. While he's in such a confused state emotionally he is hurting you and bw and he's coming out the winner.

 

If he truly is done with his marriage, hHe needs to move out, live on his own in his own place for a while. Get a divorce. And then come to you.

Let's assume he has realised he's made a mistake. Divorce is a stressful and unpleasant process even for those of us who know without any doubt that the M is over. Let him deal with all of that and make a complete break from BW. Then he can make a fresh start with you.

 

I tend to think if he's really so unhappy after being back with her for such a short time, he would leave. He's a grown man. He doesn't need your permission to leave, nor if he TRULY wants to go does he need to know you're there waiting for him. People leave marriages every day with nobody else to run to. He's a coward. (There again so are many MM, sad to say).

How old is he, Tiernan?

[tiernan]

Calcmag, he is 51.

[Calcmag]

Calcmag, he is 51.

 

Exact same age as me As a single woman, I'm finding that there are a lot of very messed up guys aged between 45-55. That's why I choose to be single right now!

 

Of course, the thing is now, he's just waiting for you to break NC. He knows what he's put out there and expects a response.

This is a tough spot you're in, I feel for you.

 

How are you feeling about everything today?

[velvette]

I want to vent here even though I know what I should do.

Cutting story short, i was with my xmm 4 years, 2 years ago he left his wife and we started to be openly together. they agreed that she will file for a divorce as it will be a faster way for him to confirm adultery. She did it a year and a half ago. Since then she has done literally everything to get him back. She was successful and in the end of August he started to hesitate again and saying about putting duty over love. It was too much for me and I wished him all the happiness and let him go and went NC. He has been writing to me ever since how much he loves me. 5 days ago he moved in back with his BS. That was when the intensity of e-mailing started. Tonight he wrote I am the only one whom he loves, wants a second chance and wants to be with me and come back to me. For now I stay strong and still continue NC. Is he emotionally unbalanced or did he just see that he cannot live with her anymore after 4 years of being with someone else? I still love him too, but would never be able to trust him again.

 

They are locked in some dance/cycle that they do. Its not over.

 

If it were over, instead of contacting you he would be contacting an attorney and filing for divorce, getting an apt, etc.

 

You think you know the story of his M....i.e. that she is abusive to him. I think you need to recognize that you cannot know what goes on behind closed doors and there's something going on there that you don't know. In fact, it could be the total opposite.

 

She could be what you believe is abusive because he's abused her for years. Just one scenario......could be anything.

 

Leave him to his own drama until he ends it with a D and gets counseling to get himself straightened out. Otherwise, he will just continue to hurt you and drag you down into his mess. Whatever ails him is something he needs to fix himself.

[tiernan]

They are locked in some dance/cycle that they do. Its not over.

 

If it were over, instead of contacting you he would be contacting an attorney and filing for divorce, getting an apt, etc.

 

You think you know the story of his M....i.e. that she is abusive to him. I think you need to recognize that you cannot know what goes on behind closed doors and there's something going on there that you don't know. In fact, it could be the total opposite.

 

She could be what you believe is abusive because he's abused her for years. Just one scenario......could be anything.

 

Leave him to his own drama until he ends it with a D and gets counseling to get himself straightened out. Otherwise, he will just continue to hurt you and drag you down into his mess. Whatever ails him is something he needs to fix himself.

 

She is not abusive in any way, she is begging and crying and being miserable. It's a fact. That is her way to handle him. I am just the opposite - I have never begged or ask him to do anything.

[legalgirl]

I'm in the same position! What is wrong with these guys??? I am single, could give him everything. He's "so miserable" but just won't leave. Grrrr

[Red Wolverine]

I'm in the same position! What is wrong with these guys??? I am single, could give him everything. He's "so miserable" but just won't leave. Grrrr

 

Oh but he's has everything now. Wife and OW. That's HIS idea of having everything.

[MissBee]

I want to vent here even though I know what I should do.

Cutting story short, i was with my xmm 4 years, 2 years ago he left his wife and we started to be openly together. they agreed that she will file for a divorce as it will be a faster way for him to confirm adultery. She did it a year and a half ago. Since then she has done literally everything to get him back. She was successful and in the end of August he started to hesitate again and saying about putting duty over love. It was too much for me and I wished him all the happiness and let him go and went NC. He has been writing to me ever since how much he loves me. 5 days ago he moved in back with his BS. That was when the intensity of e-mailing started. Tonight he wrote I am the only one whom he loves, wants a second chance and wants to be with me and come back to me. For now I stay strong and still continue NC. Is he emotionally unbalanced or did he just see that he cannot live with her anymore after 4 years of being with someone else? I still love him too, but would never be able to trust him again.

 

Wishy-washy people are the worst and that's up there as one of the major things I really cannot put up with, especially if your wishy-washy nature includes huge things like moving in and out with your ex-wife and so on...WTF?! He's unbalanced yes .

 

I wouldn't be able to trust him either. It just seems very irresponsible and tumultuous. I personally need someone I can rely on to do as they say they will do, who knows what he wants, who has his shyt together and who isn't playing musical bed partners.

 

He had enough time to figure stuff out...it seems this behavior is just him. It is up to you if you feel like he has learned anything or has any sense of wtf he's doing and if it is really worth it to give him a second chance and what will happen for you if you do and he does it all over again.

 

Sometimes the drama of an A never ends even when the A itself ends and transitions. Once you have an ex-wife but not really or ex-gf but not really or ANY third party in a relationship it becomes a case of too many cooks in the kitchen and it seems like your relationship will never be a normal case of just you and him but a constant tug of war between you, him, his ex-wife and his split self or whatever.

[happy stillmore]

I'm in a very similar situation. It is so hard to settle my mind. The rational part of me tells me I'm better off without this confused, weak man. The irrational part is angry that he fell for his wife's manipulation. He chose after all to stay but I can't help but think he was persuaded by the heavy guilt laid on him by his wife and grown girls. He doesn't have a support system other than her (and me). But, with living with her 24/7, it was very easy for her too state her case. She knows he doesn't love her romantically. She knew about our relationship for almost two years. But, fought for him. I just don't get it. If my H had an affair, I would be so done. I would say goodbye and good riddance. Yet, she begged him to stay. Saying nobody could care for him like she does.

 

If it wouldn't have been for the mind games, I know he would have left her. I know he isn't as happy but I have to accept that it was his decision to stay. I also have to entertain the idea that I was played. It is just so hard when you don't know the real truth and have to go on your perceptions which may not be accurate.

 

Tiernan, I realize now that it doesn't matter. The BS was still able to persuade your xMM even with distance between them.

[Praying4Peace]

Tell him you'll only consider speaking to him if he gets an individual therapist and goes 3-4 times. Then you will listen. Bc he needs to bad or he will remain in his hellish life and drag you under with him along with his ex wife and whoever else wants on that sinking ship...

 

He's 51? Wow.

 

And if he gets the therapy and you don't want him back at least you helped a person out. He sounds crazy.

[whichwayisup]

I want to vent here even though I know what I should do.

Cutting story short, i was with my xmm 4 years, 2 years ago he left his wife and we started to be openly together. they agreed that she will file for a divorce as it will be a faster way for him to confirm adultery. She did it a year and a half ago. Since then she has done literally everything to get him back. She was successful and in the end of August he started to hesitate again and saying about putting duty over love. It was too much for me and I wished him all the happiness and let him go and went NC. He has been writing to me ever since how much he loves me. 5 days ago he moved in back with his BS. That was when the intensity of e-mailing started. Tonight he wrote I am the only one whom he loves, wants a second chance and wants to be with me and come back to me. For now I stay strong and still continue NC. Is he emotionally unbalanced or did he just see that he cannot live with her anymore after 4 years of being with someone else? I still love him too, but would never be able to trust him again.

 

His marriage has to end and he has to divorce without you waiting for him in the background. If his marriage is over, then he should be fine alone. He has to see that he'd rather be "alone" than stay married to his wife. Not hold on that you're there for him as a landing spot afterwards.

 

You shouldn't trust him. If you take him back, I can guarantee you within 2 weeks he'll want to go back home, especially with the holidays coming up.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For some...they have to live on an emotional precipice or life doesn't feel "real".

 

They need the lows so they can have the highs.

 

Personally, I find even being in the same room with these people exhausting, and quite boring.

[tiernan]

For some...they have to live on an emotional precipice or life doesn't feel "real".

 

They need the lows so they can have the highs.

 

Personally, I find even being in the same room with these people exhausting, and quite boring.

 

he had a very boring married life for 25 years, so maybe now he wants the excitement?

 

he keeps writing and asking me to come back to him, life is so difficult....

[tiernan]

I'm in a very similar situation. It is so hard to settle my mind. The rational part of me tells me I'm better off without this confused, weak man. The irrational part is angry that he fell for his wife's manipulation. He chose after all to stay but I can't help but think he was persuaded by the heavy guilt laid on him by his wife and grown girls. He doesn't have a support system other than her (and me). But, with living with her 24/7, it was very easy for her too state her case. She knows he doesn't love her romantically. She knew about our relationship for almost two years. But, fought for him. I just don't get it. If my H had an affair, I would be so done. I would say goodbye and good riddance. Yet, she begged him to stay. Saying nobody could care for him like she does.

 

If it wouldn't have been for the mind games, I know he would have left her. I know he isn't as happy but I have to accept that it was his decision to stay. I also have to entertain the idea that I was played. It is just so hard when you don't know the real truth and have to go on your perceptions which may not be accurate.

 

Tiernan, I realize now that it doesn't matter. The BS was still able to persuade your xMM even with distance between them.

 

Happy Stillmore, I don't understand it either. He left her and was with someone else and she kept begging him to come back and using her grown up children in the fight. Don't they have honour and dignity? I feel now that it is her that has breadcrumbs not me - let her live with now.

[happy stillmore]

Yes, let them both live a mediocre life. They are both settling. I don't want to settle. The wives will not be able to trust their husbands again. What do they really gain? When I think about it, is a wishy-washy, weak man really a prize to fight for?

 

It is their (the husbands) loss. They could have chosen a life of wonderful, instead of being manipulated to a life of expectations. I believe they will resent the wife in time, just as they may regret things if jumping into a future with us. That is why the husbands both need to live on their own, end the marriages for their own selves, not for us. My xMM had been catered to by his wife all of his life. She is 5 years older and has taken care of him for 30 years. He has never lived on his own. Moved from another city and now his only social network is her family. I would literally crap my pants if I learned he moved out and was living in an apartment on his own. I know it isn't going to happen. The only way he would move out would be to move in with me. I realized that I would be assuming the mommy rule and I would resent him! I know I'm better off but why do I hurt so damn bad?! I have never been this unwrapped in my life. Strangely, I am also now more together as far as knowing what I want out of life.

 

I am most disappointed in xMM that he couldn't "man up" and do what he needed to do. I guess that is what I'm most angry about. Our love wasn't enough for him to want to do it. I know I am better off without him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

happy, you project an awful lot of the outcome that you want onto the mm.

 

That maybe he didnt see a life of wonderful..as you did.

 

Have you ever considered that he is exactly where he wants to be, and quite content to be there?

 

Because he didnt do as you "needed" him to do, you throw the emasculating "man up" dig at him, I wonder who he felt the most manipulated by?

[happy stillmore]

I know I come across as angry and bitter. I know he chose where he is but I know he is not content. Not 100% anyway. He is content in knowing he isn't hurting his girls. I am better off. I do not want a confused man. You would have to read my post posts to get the whole picture. I did not demasculate him. If anything, I made him feel more like a man. He has told me he never felt like an equal with his wife. He felt like we were equals, the same. She drives him to work, packs his lunch, doesn't let him out of the house alone, etc. I can't blame her. I have to blame him for allowing to be controlled. To me, that is not being a man. Not standing up for himself or what he wants. (Unless that is what he wants, to be controlled and treated like a child. I don't think that is the case. If that is the case, I sooo don't want any part of that.)

 

He thought we would be happy together but he was afraid of her. She would make our life miserable.

[tiernan]

happy, you project an awful lot of the outcome that you want onto the mm.

 

That maybe he didnt see a life of wonderful..as you did.

 

Have you ever considered that he is exactly where he wants to be, and quite content to be there?

 

Because he didnt do as you "needed" him to do, you throw the emasculating "man up" dig at him, I wonder who he felt the most manipulated by?

 

In my case it seems he is NOT happy, as he wants to come back to me only after a couple of days with BS, he says he doesn't want to be there anymore..

[MissBee]

In my case it seems he is NOT happy, as he wants to come back to me only after a couple of days with BS, he says he doesn't want to be there anymore..

 

The problem with this is...people like that are fickle, that is, they don't know what they want so bounce back and forth. He also seems like the type whose idea of happiness is just very impulsive.

 

He was married for 25 years...he left for 2...why would you go back and then be surprised that you're not happy???? This makes absolutely no sense. Which is why he can't be trusted, as his behavior is erratic and he comes off as the type whose "happiness" changes from day to day.

 

It's unattractive for me anyway. You're not a 3 year old who one minute you want your toy then you don't...he's in his 50s. Hopping from wife to OW to OW-gf to ex-wife and then saying you're so unhappy is not cute, he just seems impulsive and unstable.

[cat]

I was away for the weekend trying to enjoy my life without my xMM.

 

Seriously, Tiernan. NO. He needs to be able to be happy alone and make the right decision for HIMSELF. If he comes back to you, there will be so much pressure on you to be the source of happiness in his life.

 

Right now you have absolutely NO REASON to to trust him or think that he can build a strong relationship with you. If he comes back, he needs to work as hard at rebuilding trust as he would if he were trying to repair a marriage.

 

He isn't stable enough right now to do that. He needs 6 months minimum POST DIVORCE to breathe-- and I agree with Praying4Peace on demanding he go to therapy. And continue NC during the process so you can heal and if you find each other again it's with a stronger foundation. That's the only way to a good resolution for you.

[tiernan]

".....He was married for 25 years...he left for 2...why would you go back and then be surprised that you're not happy???? This makes absolutely no sense. Which is why he can't be trusted, as his behavior is erratic and he comes off as the type whose "happiness" changes from day to day...."

 

it makes sense if he is emotionally attached to someone else, that is why he is not happy to BS - I agree with all the rest

[tiernan]

I was away for the weekend trying to enjoy my life without my xMM.

 

Seriously, Tiernan. NO. He needs to be able to be happy alone and make the right decision for HIMSELF. If he comes back to you, there will be so much pressure on you to be the source of happiness in his life.

 

Right now you have absolutely NO REASON to to trust him or think that he can build a strong relationship with you. If he comes back, he needs to work as hard at rebuilding trust as he would if he were trying to repair a marriage.

 

He isn't stable enough right now to do that. He needs 6 months minimum POST DIVORCE to breathe-- and I agree with Praying4Peace on demanding he go to therapy. And continue NC during the process so you can heal and if you find each other again it's with a stronger foundation. That's the only way to a good resolution for you.

 

Cat I agree totally with what you say, and I know his BS will not allow him to be on his own - he will have her on his back for the rest of his life, and it is not the burden I am going to take. She will always convince him that if he is going to be on his own it would be so much better for children if he was back with them, so it will never happen:(

 

Should I reply to him saying all the above, or keep ignoring him?

[cat]

I'm sure the rest of the group will weigh in-- and on both sides! Depending on where they are in their journey away from their MM.

 

It depends on what you're open to in the long run, I guess. If you're open to having him back under certain conditions (which will put some people up in arms!! ) you could let him know that.

 

Of course, there are people who will think that you're disrespecting yourself by even cracking the door for him when he has disrespected you, proven himself untrustworthy, and shown that he's unstable, and that in time you won't want him anymore if you just slam the door.

 

If it were me, today, I'm still in stage 1. If he came back tonight, I wouldn't take him back, but I'd give him the conditions for him to work toward and see what he did. That would keep me on the hook. I can see the time coming, though, where I would be over him and just tell him our relationship is irreparably damaged and that I"m not going back--either that or just totally ignore him. I'm just not there yet.

 

I was only in the situation 5 months, not a matter of years, but the rest of the details are soooo similar it's scary