became friends in person, now int'l LD, how/if to start "dating" over Skype?

[elsa83]

We met while he was here in the city I live for a few months for work and became very good friends (I work for a different department than the one he was affiliated with). I was just starting to go through a break-up from a long-term relationship. Nothing happened beyond friendship between us, though I felt like we had a very good connection.

 

For the first two months after he left to go back to his home country, we stayed in touch 1-3 times per week on Skype, chat and video calls. I interpreted that he showed interest that he showed a little more affection than I've had in previously platonic relationships and would often ask outright when we would talk next, even while we were both traveling for work at one point. We never, however, talked about relationships, at all, as if it was an unspoken rule that it was very much off the table.

 

About 2-1/2 weeks ago, I told him that I had really broken up with my partner in the previous week -- even if nothing were to come of our now-Skype relationship, I felt it important that a close friend should know that something that monumental had taken place in my life. The rest of that conversation went as previous conversations had -- friendly affection and asking if I was around to talk in a few days (I told him I had to move some of my stuff, which I did) -- but he rather abruptly became very cool toward me and didn't sign on Skype for the next 10 days and sent one very brief e-mail in a rather professional tone about a mutual acquaintance. When we last talked, about a week ago, he seemed a little more aloof with none of the previous affection. We've had a few e-mails since, a bit more on the professional side, but still much cooler than previous.

 

While I wouldn't mind starting a relationship, despite the obstacles, I'm confused about the sudden coolness. I'd like to tell him how important our friendship has been to me -- it was very thought-provoking and gave me some much-needed distractions during a very difficult time -- but I'm not sure if I should or how and if it would only push him further away. I hope we'll talk again this weekend but at this point I'm not even convinced he'll sign on. We've rarely scheduled previous talks and kinda left it to chance. This is all new and difficult territory for me, thoughts are appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[nomadic_butterfly]

We met while he was here in the city I live for a few months for work and became very good friends (I work for a different department than the one he was affiliated with). I was just starting to go through a break-up from a long-term relationship. Nothing happened beyond friendship between us, though I felt like we had a very good connection.

 

For the first two months after he left to go back to his home country, we stayed in touch 1-3 times per week on Skype, chat and video calls. I interpreted that he showed interest that he showed a little more affection than I've had in previously platonic relationships and would often ask outright when we would talk next, even while we were both traveling for work at one point. We never, however, talked about relationships, at all, as if it was an unspoken rule that it was very much off the table.

 

About 2-1/2 weeks ago, I told him that I had really broken up with my partner in the previous week -- even if nothing were to come of our now-Skype relationship, I felt it important that a close friend should know that something that monumental had taken place in my life. The rest of that conversation went as previous conversations had -- friendly affection and asking if I was around to talk in a few days (I told him I had to move some of my stuff, which I did) -- but he rather abruptly became very cool toward me and didn't sign on Skype for the next 10 days and sent one very brief e-mail in a rather professional tone about a mutual acquaintance. When we last talked, about a week ago, he seemed a little more aloof with none of the previous affection. We've had a few e-mails since, a bit more on the professional side, but still much cooler than previous.

 

While I wouldn't mind starting a relationship, despite the obstacles, I'm confused about the sudden coolness. I'd like to tell him how important our friendship has been to me -- it was very thought-provoking and gave me some much-needed distractions during a very difficult time -- but I'm not sure if I should or how and if it would only push him further away. I hope we'll talk again this weekend but at this point I'm not even convinced he'll sign on. We've rarely scheduled previous talks and kinda left it to chance. This is all new and difficult territory for me, thoughts are appreciated.

 

Thanks.

 

I think you should be careful. You are quite vulnerable considering your recent breakup. To be honest, it doesn't sound like the friendship had solid enough grounds to start and international long distance relationship. He would only be a rebound and he doesn't seem fully "sold" you two could be a couple.

 

To be honest you are better off dating guys in your neck of the woods when you are ready. The situation seems too elusive and at no point was a romantic connotation confirmed. Maybe initially he was excited about the possibilities and then maybe thought more rationally that it's just easier to date someone closer who is fully emotionally available. Just be his friend.

[elsa83]

Thanks, that's helpful. It's what I need to hear, though, of course, not what I want to hear.

 

I was initially expecting to lose contact after we said goodbye at the airport and had mentally prepared myself for that. He was the one who initiated Skyping and some flirting. I've always been very reserved in showing my feelings, so I was slower to reciprocate any of it. Did it lead me on for a while, sure, and I'm perhaps both willing and a little naïve to allow it, in the name of a good distraction. I guess my only regret is to have told him as soon as I did so I could've had a few more enjoyable Skype calls instead of adding another layer of worry to my situation at this point. I'm a bit sad that it cooled off so abruptly, before I could even say anything. I'm not sure how an LDR would have gone for us, but I'm pretty flexible at the moment cos the *only* thing I have where I am now is a decent job, but entry-level. More than anything, I'll miss the friendship.

[Els]

but he rather abruptly became very cool toward me and didn't sign on Skype for the next 10 days and sent one very brief e-mail in a rather professional tone about a mutual acquaintance. When we last talked, about a week ago, he seemed a little more aloof with none of the previous affection. We've had a few e-mails since, a bit more on the professional side, but still much cooler than previous.

 

IMO, this tells you all you need to know. If he's 'cooling off' before you've even become a couple, he's not interested. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant.

[nomadic_butterfly]

You sort out and deal with your feelings from your previous relationship first before becoming attached to anyone again. This was a crouch to deal with the emptiness and pain of your breakup.

 

Take some time to heal, figure out how you contributed to the relationship's demise an when you are ready to open up your heart again, date real people in the real world. There's very little point in an international LDR if A. There was no real life solid foundation first and/or if B. the two people wont be in the same place at the same time within a reasonable amount of time. Complete waste otherwise.

 

Thanks, that's helpful. It's what I need to hear, though, of course, not what I want to hear.

 

I was initially expecting to lose contact after we said goodbye at the airport and had mentally prepared myself for that. He was the one who initiated Skyping and some flirting. I've always been very reserved in showing my feelings, so I was slower to reciprocate any of it. Did it lead me on for a while, sure, and I'm perhaps both willing and a little naïve to allow it, in the name of a good distraction. I guess my only regret is to have told him as soon as I did so I could've had a few more enjoyable Skype calls instead of adding another layer of worry to my situation at this point. I'm a bit sad that it cooled off so abruptly, before I could even say anything. I'm not sure how an LDR would have gone for us, but I'm pretty flexible at the moment cos the *only* thing I have where I am now is a decent job, but entry-level. More than anything, I'll miss the friendship.