He wants his sister to move in

[Bubberfly]

Hey guys, I have a tricky situation that has been thrust on me and I just don't know what to do/think. I'm hoping you wonderful people can give me some advice

 

Here's a little backstory so you know where I'm coming from.

My fiancee and I have been together for the last 6 years, we have been living together for 5. While we've had some trouble with our relationship in the past (due to his infidelity) we worked it out and have been consistently working to make things better. We just put a down payment on a house (we plan on marrying), and when we move, my fiancee's sister was planning on moving into our house which is owned by his family. Since his family owns the house, quite often, one of my fiancee's siblings will move in for a little bit (3-4 months at a time). Or they'll bring a dog and let it stay for 3-4 months at a time. This annoys me slightly, but since his family is nice enough to let me stay, I keep mum about it. I get along with them for the most part so I suck it up. So far we've never had any serious problems with eachothers families, until now.

 

My fiancee's sister is a loser. She's been rude to me since I've been with him, I took it with a grain of salt and have always been polite but aloof. She however, LOVES to be nasty to me, in every situation. I call her a loser because she's in an abusive volatile (on both sides) on/off relationship. She is a thief and has stolen from us multiple times to the point that I don't trust her to leave her alone in our house. She's a snoop and digs through our stuff, in her opinion everything is hers. She has taken advantage of my fiancee, and my fiancee's family, and is constantly harrassing people for money. She lies about everything, spends all of her money buying weed for her loser boyfriend. She's been evicted from her rentals 7 times since I've been with my fiancee. Even worse, she has children who are equally horrible! I try to grin and bear it when her kids are over (they are 4 and 10), because honestly, it's not their fault that they have a terrible environment to grow up in. BUT, they're destructive, they also steal, and destroy things in our house. I've also caught the 4 year old hitting my dogs multiple times.

 

My fiancee IS aware she's horrible. He's admitted to me multiple times.

 

Here's the clincher.

 

His sister has recently broken up with her stupid boyfriend (again!) after he hit her (again!) and has not been going home to her rental because her boyfriend is on the lease. So she couch hops to anywhere that will accept her and drags her children along. Why can't she just have him taken off the lease? Or put a restraining order against him? Honestly, I've asked these questions and never receive an answer.

Her kids haven't been getting sleep, and have been late for school multiple times since the breakup occurred.

 

My fiancee has told me he wants her and her kids to move in!!!!

I have told him HUNDREDS of times that I DO NOT WANT HER IN MY HOME! I can't trust her not to steal from me again. I can't trust her to watch her kids around my family heirlooms. I can't trust her not to just leave in the middle of the night and leave her kids with us. I can't trust her, PERIOD. I wouldn't feel safe with her in my home, and possibly having her boyfriend show up (if he hits her, he might hit me).

He knows this. I've been very open and honest with him.

The last two days he's been harassing me to let them move in.

"I feel bad for the kids. It's not for my sister, it's for the kids."

The more I've told him NO, the more angry he's gotten with me. He keeps telling me I need to "get over whatever crap I have" with his sister. He's called me coldhearted and told me how selfish I've been. He then tells me that I'm "blowing everything out of proportion."

Our arguing has escalated to the point where I feel like I need to just find a storage locker, move my stuff into it and find somewhere else to go. I feel like I'm being bullied by my fiancee to let her move in. I feel a little like I'm being bullied out of my home. I feel like he's trying to guilt me into getting what he wants so HE doesn't have to feel guilty.

He keeps telling me that I'm making him choose between me and his family.

 

Am I being crazy about this? What would you do in this situation? I feel like I'm up against a brick wall.

[CC12]

He keeps telling me that I'm making him choose between me and his family.

 

Well, yes, I suppose it does come down to him choosing between you and his family, but you're not making him do anything. He's the one putting this option on the table, not you. And it is only an option. It's not mandatory that the sister moves in. It's a choice he volunteered to make. You had nothing to do with that.

 

You're not being unreasonable. It is a huge favor to ask someone to let three extra people move in, even if they were perfectly lovely people. But they're not, and so you have actual, legitimate reasons that you don't want them living with you. It's concerning that he keeps pushing you to accept something that is clearly unacceptable to you. Why doesn't he value your feelings of comfort and safety in your own home?

 

One of the perks of being an adult is that you get to choose who you live with. He moves them in, you should be gone. Absolutely. Tell your fiance this. "If you choose to let her live here, I will find somewhere else to live." And mean it. Seriously. That's the logical outcome of him disregarding your feelings and trying to force you into a living situation you would not be comfortable with.

 

I feel like I need to just find a storage locker, move my stuff into it and find somewhere else to go.

 

It's a good plan. Keep it in mind.

Edited September 21, 2013 by CC12

[darkmoon]

no way out, this will be your marriage unless you two get your own place, any place, blowing it out of proportion, mmm, shame it is affecting your relationship so much

[Nyla]

I once asked my husband if my cousin could move into our two bedroom apartment. My cousin would have paid rent to live in our second bedroom, which we use as an office/guest room. My husband said no because he feels that married couples need their space and three people is too much.

 

I was disappointed in my husband's answer, but I do see his point. Nobody should have to live with a spouse's family, especially if they are reprehensible people like Butterfly's SIL. (I know you aren't married, Butterfly. Just used those terms because you are engaged and living with your fiancé.)

 

If your fiancé cares so little about your feelings now, it will just get worse once you are married. Since your fiancé is building a new family with you, your wishes come before those of his family of origin.

[Bubberfly]

Thank you for the comments everyone. Last night he came home super late (like midnight. Unusual for him). He said he needed time to think. He told me how he wasn't upset with me, he was "upset at the situation." He says that his family is my family and you put family first *rolls eyes*

I told him that I have awful family members too and I would never force them to live with us, nor force him to deal with them at all. He and I haven't even really spoken much since. He just keeps bringing up the guilt trip.

"I'm trying to help the kids."

"This is important to me, it should be important to you."

"You need to get over whatever crap you have with my sister."

I told him I feel bad for the kids too, it's not their fault. I wish I could help them, but I learned long ago (with my own mooching loser family members) that there's no way of helping. They have to help themselves. I can't keep getting stepped on by people who are my blood.

It seems he's going to consistently think I'm the *bad guy* here. I hate to say it but you guys are right.

We're still waiting for escrow on our house (should be by the end of October it closes). I've been kicking myself the last few days for even considering buying a house with him since this situation began. I kept telling myself if its OUR house it will be different, I'll legally be able to tell him no family members can stay there. But this whole thing with his sister has made me doubt how strong our relationship is.

Pathetic really, we can survive through messy infidelity, but his sister could be what makes us break up.

 

It's heartbreaking to me, I love the guy so much, I'm willing to forgive him. But one little thing happens (it's little in my opinion) and I feel it's doomed the relationship. That he'll never forgive me for wanting to keep a sane household.

 

 

Thanks you guys, for helping me see I'm not being insane or irrational about this.

[heartshaped]

He doesn't seem to have any respect for you.

 

Besides him coming to his senses on this issue, I don't see how this could be resolved. I would not waver if I were you, OP. The fact that he is even entertaining this idea is ridiculous.

[Debanked]

Your fiancé sounds immature and doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve. You've already been through his infidelity and now have the burden of his loser sister? The loser sister's deadbeat boyfriend has made his problems your problems. Time to move on and do better. At least you're going through this BEFORE marriage. Don't be a doormat for this guy or his family.

[Jim305]

Wow, this is a tough situation! So, your fiancee was cheating on you and you're not even married yet? That doesn't sound promising. I guess he saw some other woman out there and thought he'd fool around with her, your feelings notwithstanding. Now he wants his crazy, screwed-up sister to move in - again, your feelings notwithstanding.

 

It sounds like his whole family have decided not to say no to his sister. I think she could get a restraining order but it sounds like your fiancee's family thinks it's easier to just give-in to her. The house you're living in does belong to them, though. You'd have more "power" if you owned half the house you were living in with you fiancee.

 

Everybody says ultimatums are bad, but maybe one's appropriate here: "If she comes, I go. End of discussion."

[Balzac]

The time line on moving into the house you've bought is an important factor. I'm surprised you are t searching out a short term rental to achieve your goal of independent living. Put your stuff into storage in preparation for the move into the house. Remove yourself and your fiancé from the problem.

[Bubberfly]

Help me understand this. So you put down a payment on a house but have not move into that house yet? [What is the deal there? Is it still under construction? When is the move in date?] So that means, you are and have been living in your fiancee's family's house [not 'your own home' as you claim later in your post]. And for the past 5 years too [and since you said "his family is nice enough to let me stay" I am guessing you aren't and haven't been even paying rent]. Okay, so you have issues with the SIL. Perhaps, rightly so. Got it. But are you really in a position to deny access to a family member [with kids] when they are trying to move into their own family home? [When they are on the street, couch surfing with kids?] Just because you happened to be the fiancee of the main guy? Look, I completely sympathize with you and agree that every married couple need their own space/place but you aren't married yet and you don't have your own space (i.e. your new home/apt). Do you have *a point* of not wanting SIL? Sure. Do you have *the right* to demand she can't? Not so sure about that. It is not your house really. Just because your fiancee's family let you live there for a few years doesn't make it your own house. [Maybe it is your home now but it is not your house.]

 

If I misunderstood and the house down-payment was for the house owned by the family, then disregard what I said above. In that case you obviously have more of a saying. But again, you should have never purchased (or semi purchased) a house still owned by your fiancee's family. Newly married couples need their own space.

 

I know, I must have explained poorly. We put a down payment on a house NOT owned by his family, a fresh start if you will. The escrow time is taking so long because the owners have two mortgages, they're attempting to find a bank to take over the second mortgage (it's also a short sale). We didn't mind the wait time because that would give us time to save up for all the expenses. Our estimated move in date is October 31.

 

I DO pay rent to my fiancees family, we're under a verbal agreement, meaning I pay them x amount bi-weekly. I do not have a lease, so technically I can leave anytime and/or just stop paying, but I'm a trustworthy person. They're nice to let me stay under the pretenses that they pay all utilities, internet, heating, electricity and the second anything breaks in the house, they fix it no complaints.

 

So far, his other family members (little brother, mom, nieces, nephews AND their pets) HAVE stayed with us for extended periods. This is a nuisance, but I get along with them for the most part and don't have a problem, since they are trustworthy (meaning I know they won't rob me blind). The issue I'm having here is this ONE PARTICULAR family member, and the fact that I've told my fiancee I do not want to live with HER.

 

The other big problem is that the rest of his family (meaning his parents who own the house) don't want her living with them, and are understanding but frustrated that I don't want her here. SHE (the sister) wouldn't pay them rent, so they know that if she moves in and I move out, they would be out MONEY each month. No one in his family has pressured this on me.

 

MY FIANCEE has pressured this onto me, because HE feels guilty about the kids. So truthfully, my problem so far hasn't been too much the living arrangement but my fiancee treating me like I'm a horrible person because I don't feel like I should be pushed out of my home when yes, I DO pay rent. It's the fact that for the last three days it's the only conversation he's had with me, it's either "I want my sister to move in" or he doesn't speak to me.

 

 

I did give him the ultimatum. My issue is that I don't have the extra money to rent something else at the moment. Everywhere in my area is First months rent/deposit (usually amounting to rent) and pet deposit since I have dogs. I'm worried about being able to afford everything with the house when it does go through. Also, if he an I walk away from the house now, I'd be out $1400 since we had to pay 1% for down payment. Either way, with him pressuring me about this I'd be losing a lot of money here.

 

I'm pretty much putting it on his plate now. He can figure out what he wants to do. Monetarily, I'm pretty much on a standstill until this house sale goes through.