compulsivedancer Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 For those in R, please tell me about one thing (or more) you've done as a couple or individually that has helped with reconciliation and/or the relationship. Please keep this post positive!!! I'll start: H and I have implemented a date night, which we've never done before. (We started as a long-distance relationship, so we never really even dated pre-marriage). H is having a fun time planning these. We're trying new things and focusing on building NEW memories and NEW experiences so that we can move forward with the relationship in addition to dealing with the past. We do NOT talk about the A during these times.
RightThere Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 Personally I took a long look at the affairs and tried to see what was being taken from them by my wife which she was not getting at home. Then I specifically tried to add those kinds of things to our life. Common activities we could do together was definitely one.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 We made efforts to go to bed at the same time. It helped. Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" was also helpful in identifying other tactics.
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Totally agree with Betrayedhusband. That was a big one with us. Also tons of communication. It's tough for us with 3 kids but we make time for each other even I it is only 10 mins.
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 We made efforts to go to bed at the same time. It helped. Reading "His Needs, Her Needs" was also helpful in identifying other tactics. I wish we could, but our very different job schedules make that hard. I think we manage it about once a week. But I've been coming home for lunch most days of the week, which is nice. 1
dichotomy Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Date night Finding a Good Therapist Praise words Key Words - to avoid arguments and to notify the other of something critical.
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 Date night Finding a Good Therapist Praise words Key Words - to avoid arguments and to notify the other of something critical. Can you describe the praise words and key words more fully?
harrybrown Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Sometimes the WS does wonderful things for the AP. I think the BS would like the WS to do something for the BS that they did not do for the AP. The WS spends so much energy in the affair, and the cover up. I can think of three things my spouse could do for me. The first one is do not cheat on me. Oh, I guess I can not have that. The second is do not lie to me, tell me the truth and write a timeline of the affair. Maybe some day I will get that. The third is do not make me feel that I am your backup plan, that I am your second choice. I guess I am the second choice, or you would not have had the affair. Three strikes, I am out.
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 21, 2013 Author Posted September 21, 2013 Sometimes the WS does wonderful things for the AP. I think the BS would like the WS to do something for the BS that they did not do for the AP. The WS spends so much energy in the affair, and the cover up. I can think of three things my spouse could do for me. The first one is do not cheat on me. Oh, I guess I can not have that. The second is do not lie to me, tell me the truth and write a timeline of the affair. Maybe some day I will get that. The third is do not make me feel that I am your backup plan, that I am your second choice. I guess I am the second choice, or you would not have had the affair. Three strikes, I am out. But what could she do for you NOW to make you feel like she's glad to be with you and you were NOT second choice?
harrybrown Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 The only thing that comes to mind is to get into a time machine, go back and not have the affair. Then I would not feel like I will always be second place. Because if I was first place, she would not have had the affair.
whatatangledweb Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 (edited) We have started taking more trips. They allow us not to worry or think about anything but just us having fun.We also make sure to go to bed at the same time when he is home. Edited September 21, 2013 by whatatangledweb 1
photogirl2006 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 The only thing that comes to mind is to get into a time machine, go back and not have the affair. Then I would not feel like I will always be second place. Because if I was first place, she would not have had the affair. sometimes i feel this way too.
Coolit Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 The only thing that comes to mind is to get into a time machine, go back and not have the affair. Then I would not feel like I will always be second place. Because if I was first place, she would not have had the affair. Not very possible or helpful to this post. All a ws can do is put their spouse first daily in the present. And if that is not enough for the bs and then can't do the same back then they shouldn't drag things out in a R that won't work.
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 sometimes i feel this way too. Positive only for this thread, please.
dichotomy Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 (edited) Can you describe the praise words and key words more fully? Praise words - Well from her side to me as a man - She has dropped any teasing with any negative words associated with our issues, sexuality, that were cut downs, or her past sexual experiences or directly were about my insecurities over her past. She has over the years got very used to saying .."you are so strong" ..."you are very masculine"... "You look very sexy tonight" "I am so lucky to have you" and so on. This was second major step after NC on the road. At first it felt kind of Corney and forced (it was), but soon it became very natural and helpful part of our marriage. Key words. This were are therapist came in. Like many husbands and wives - we sometimes have issues with communication and arguments. One key word is "golden" this means this issue is very important to me and I need your focused attention to it. Simple example - my wife might say "I would like you come to my PTA cookie sales event Thursday night and help me... and I might say (being tired) is this a "Golden issue for you for me to be there?" and she has to be completely honest - knowing that I might not want to do it, but being honest that its important to her. Or I might say I am not comfortable with you going to the PUB/BAR with that one bad GF of yours right now - its a "Golden issue" for me. Key is to use the term "Golden" very sparingly, but to be honest in your emotional needs - and the other has to say "okay its golden for you - done deal". Another term is "hurricane" it is used to stop a discussion that is about to go nuclear for the other. Either one of us can use this term and the other has to back down and we both stop and refocus the discussion. Edited September 22, 2013 by dichotomy 6
todreaminblue Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Praise words - Well from her side to me as a man - She has dropped any teasing with any negative words associated with our issues, sexuality, that were cut downs, or her past sexual experiences or directly were about my insecurities over her past. She has over the years got very used to saying .."you are so strong" ..."you are very masculine"... "You look very sexy tonight" "I am so lucky to have you" and so on. This was second major step after NC on the road. At first it felt kind of Corney and forced (it was), but soon it became very natural and helpful part of our marriage. Key words. This were are therapist came in. Like many husbands and wives - we sometimes have issues with communication and arguments. One key word is "golden" this means this issue is very important to me and I need your focused attention to it. Simple example - my wife might say "I would like you come to my PTA cookie sales event Thursday night and help me... and I might say (being tired) is this a "Golden issue for you for me to be there?" and she has to be completely honest - knowing that I might not want to do it, but being honest that its important to her. Or I might say I am not comfortable with you going to the PUB/BAR with that one bad GF of yours right now - its a "Golden issue" for me. Key is to use the term "Golden" very sparingly, but to be honest in your emotional needs - and the other has to say "okay its golden for you - done deal". Another term is "hurricane" it is used to stop a discussion that is about to go nuclear for the other. Either one of us can use this term and the other has to back down and we both stop and refocus the discussion. had to put this one repeat .......when i had to deal with infidelity in my fifteen year relationship....(ill keep it positive and wont give the ending) i had key words......one of them was nuclear......that is dont bring it up now too volatile.......i picked my battles..if they were really important and had time restraints i would stand my ground and talk it out....but if it could wait i would wait until i was rational..... letting little things go...similar to your golden .......and standing behind things that were important to both of us...... the infidelity was left in the past and i would do fresh starts.....did that a lot....gets tiring........ if there was an argument it was dealt with and not bought up again...no recurring arguments with the same old crap being rehashed......not saying i forgot ....but i wouldnt bring it up again to prove another point..... date nights or even stay in nights.......movies and popcorn with the kids at our feet...comedies with laughter.......beach days......family days....car trips and really cheesy music....and family nights where we would play monopoly and i would kick ass.....lol.....take out night where the kids would pick what we ate.....and go to sleep early was always a hit.......because we would go to bed early.... I tried really hard to keep it together...... but life has a definite idea what is meant to be and what is not....... i love the idea of golden......and the idea of hurricane.....makes perfect sense to me dichotomy, nice post......deb 4
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I found myself wishing for my wife to perform some kind of "grand gesture." In my case, it would have been quitting the job/suggesting a move. I can't say how much that would have mattered. Is there a grand gesture your husband would appreciate?
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I found myself wishing for my wife to perform some kind of "grand gesture." In my case, it would have been quitting the job/suggesting a move. I can't say how much that would have mattered. Is there a grand gesture your husband would appreciate? I'm not sure if this would count, but it was a big deal. For me, one of the main things that had been making me unhappy was that I was underemployed for two years. This became a self-reinforcing cycle, as I would become depressed and stop applying for jobs, then become more depressed, etc. A lot of my self-worth was tied up in my job, and I was looking for affirmation that I wasn't my job. Anyhow, long story short, DDay was a big push for me to get my act together. I applied for several jobs and actually had two jobs on the hook when I landed my current job. It makes me a much healthier, happier person, and puts us in a financial position where we can buy our house and start a family (I think the family one is on hold for now, sigh). It was a big deal, but I don't know if it was a grand gesture. Lol...chopping my hair off and losing 10 lbs made him happy. Maybe I'll ask him if there's something big that he'd love for me to do. 3
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 Key words. This were are therapist came in. Like many husbands and wives - we sometimes have issues with communication and arguments. One key word is "golden" this means this issue is very important to me and I need your focused attention to it. Simple example - my wife might say "I would like you come to my PTA cookie sales event Thursday night and help me... and I might say (being tired) is this a "Golden issue for you for me to be there?" and she has to be completely honest - knowing that I might not want to do it, but being honest that its important to her. Or I might say I am not comfortable with you going to the PUB/BAR with that one bad GF of yours right now - its a "Golden issue" for me. Key is to use the term "Golden" very sparingly, but to be honest in your emotional needs - and the other has to say "okay its golden for you - done deal". Another term is "hurricane" it is used to stop a discussion that is about to go nuclear for the other. Either one of us can use this term and the other has to back down and we both stop and refocus the discussion. I love this. We actually have one of these that we've used since early in our relationship. H is a big guy and he was used to playing pretty rough with his brother. I am not used to that and don't like it. When we were first together, he would hurt me unintentionally, but didn't believe that it really hurt (because I often overreacted to small things too). It was very frustrating and it was a while before I could get through to him on this issue. Finally, he told me that whenever I said "please," he would do his best to accommodate (in actual practice, this usually means "please stop.") So even now, if I say "please" in a certain tone of voice, he stops almost immediately. This started off for physical hurt, but I use it for when he's teasing me and hurting my feelings, too. I am careful to use it sparingly so that it doesn't lose its potency. I never thought to establish something like this in other areas, simply because this little code was not consciously established. I think it's great the way you use it as a couple. 2
Coolit Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I found myself wishing for my wife to perform some kind of "grand gesture." In my case, it would have been quitting the job/suggesting a move. I can't say how much that would have mattered. Is there a grand gesture your husband would appreciate? I think confessing was my grand gesture. I think your wife giving you the whole truth would have helped you. 3
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I think confessing was my grand gesture. I think your wife giving you the whole truth would have helped you. I think you might be right about both. Your ability to speak candidly about the darker parts of your affair is remarkable to me. On the flip side, my exwife's reluctance was awful. I spent 8 months defending her, thinking she was stuck in shame mode. Turns out it was just her covering her secrets. Honesty ends up being a key piece. 3
harrybrown Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Some days triggers are not as bad as on other days. I am glad you mentioned the honesty. After thinking some more, the honesty would help. I discovered some of her nighties that she used to wear were missing. I asked her what happened to them? She does not know. In my mind, I think the AP has them as a trophy. So I bought new nighties and tried to give them to her. She was offended. She did not like them, they were too revealing. She refused them and I took back the ones that the store would take back. I still do not understand this, so one time, she mentioned that she is more self-aware of her body and does not look as good as she used to, but without the truth, my mind plays out the worst situation. She would wear them for the AP but not for me. So because without the truth, I think the worst. I guess what she could for me is to do the things that she would do with the affair partner, but not for me previously. Of course, that brings in the mind games, thinking of her with the AP. But I might feel less like second choice, if she would initiate relations with me, do the things that she was willing to do with the affair partner and maybe something she never did with the affair partner. Sometimes, I think she tries to have her wife and mother hat on with me, where she could be free with the AP. So she could open up in conversation and when I ask what is she thinking, she would not always fumble to think of something that is ok to say. She did tell me that one of her good female friends gave me a compliment about what a good relationship that I have with our daughters, that her friend thinks that I am a good father. So I guess I do have some good qualities, the affair is just such a blow to my self-esteem. Still wandering without the full truth after 3 years. But my last one is home for a couple of years, then I will find freedom. In this situation, feelings of love get weaker day by day. When I am compared to the AP, I make more money, I exercise 6 days a week to try to keep in shape, I am not on drugs like he is, I do not have a record, it just does not make sense to me. However, I have found two of my main faults. She did let me know that I work too much and I am too nice of a guy. The last part has already changed, I used to be a nice guy. Not anymore. So sorry for being cranky yesterday in my answers, but some days are better than others.
todreaminblue Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Some days triggers are not as bad as on other days. I am glad you mentioned the honesty. However, I have found two of my main faults. She did let me know that I work too much and I am too nice of a guy. The last part has already changed, I used to be a nice guy. Not anymore. So sorry for being cranky yesterday in my answers, but some days are better than others. its a shame you know that nice guys think its about beign nice that makes the woman stray...when it has nothing i mean nothing to do with you being nice .....its a fact that the woman lacks something.....called commitment...its easy to blame the other party, who shouldnt be blamed........nothing is said about the guy who cant keep his dick away from taken women either......lack of control.....but yeah has to be the nice guy huh.....ummmmmm hell no well my partner cheated ...i am a nice female type person...loyal and giving...we also had an extremely active sex life....which wasnt boring.maybe i should become a selfish inconsiderate slut seems to have more of an affect and then i can blame some nice guy for not satisfying me and change him......tell the guy its all about him.....when really i would know it's all me and my choices that i make that are utter crap...so in other words project my guilt onto soemone else for a change....everybody has their own mind and if she were truly loving ....she would have sat down and talked to you explained what she was feeling......dont change because you think beign nice caused anything but beign an example to two daughters who look up to you....dont become a dick....just because you think women will respect you...this nice person wouldnt....most nice people wouldnt....but maybe because i am nice my opinion doesnt count anyway.i really hope that it does......dont go to the dark side....they really dont have cookies over there just stale cake that they eat as well as discarded condoms....let them have their stale cake tastes like crap..rock on nice guys....rock on you..deb 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 its a shame you know that nice guys think its about beign nice that makes the woman stray...when it has nothing i mean nothing to do with you being nice .....its a fact that the woman lacks something.....called commitment...its easy to blame the other party, who shouldnt be blamed........nothing is said about the guy who cant keep his dick away from taken women either......lack of control.....but yeah has to be the nice guy huh.....ummmmmm hell no well my partner cheated ...i am a nice female type person...loyal and giving...we also had an extremely active sex life....which wasnt boring.maybe i should become a selfish inconsiderate slut seems to have more of an affect and then i can blame some nice guy for not satisfying me and change him......tell the guy its all about him.....when really i would know it's all me and my choices that i make that are utter crap...so in other words project my guilt onto soemone else for a change....everybody has their own mind and if she were truly loving ....she would have sat down and talked to you explained what she was feeling......dont change because you think beign nice caused anything but beign an example to two daughters who look up to you....dont become a dick....just because you think women will respect you...this nice person wouldnt....most nice people wouldnt....but maybe because i am nice my opinion doesnt count anyway.i really hope that it does......dont go to the dark side....they really dont have cookies over there just stale cake that they eat as well as discarded condoms....let them have their stale cake tastes like crap..rock on nice guys....rock on you..deb They eat discarded condoms? Wow, it's worse over there than I thought.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Hmmm... How can I contribute to this thread with a positive post since I am not in R? The only way I can relate at the moment is to suggest to you to remember to keep being brave. That is really vague advice but that is all I've got
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