For remorseful cheaters: what are the right questions

September 20, 2013

My husband cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. I feel like I am not ever going to measure up to her. She's moved out of state and he's doing everything he can to repair our marriage -- counseling and meeting with our pastor and reading books and talking as much as he can.He has apologized more than a hundred times in the last seven weeks since I discovered everything. I have caught him in two more lies since then and we have addressed those in counseling and in person. He seems to want to protect himself but also me during all of this. My question to the cheaters is....how do I ask questions of him, since he does seem to have true remorse, that won't make him feel like I am attacking him. How do I be honest with him about how much I am hurt without making things worse for him?

Today I was honest and told him when we drive by the exit for the town she used to live in I think of them having sex and I wonder if it was one of the nights I was sitting home worrying about him...like where was I when this was going on. And I told him I feel like less of a woman...less desirable and unworthy. He said NOTHING. He only said "I don't know what to say to you...All I know is I love you and I'm here with you,not with her. I'm here. I want to be here with you and I want to be a family again." (We have a six year old son). That sounded like such a damn cop-out to me so I said "Why was she so attractive to you? WHY!?" and I started bawling like an idiot. His response was "I...I...I just shouldn't have moved home. I can't fix this. I'm not strong enough. I screwed all this up.." blah, blah, blah, blah...more about him and how he has messed it all up. It felt like he was saying "I can't tell you why I loved her so much and didn't love you because it will hurt you so much..." BUt I'm a woman and I read 5,000 meanings into things.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell him these things, share with him or ask him things without screwing it all up even more. He left the house in tears, telling me he loved me with me on the floor bawling and wishing I was dead. We have been able to talk it out some since then, but still...I don't know how to explain to him how I no longer feel like a real woman....without making him feel even more like crap.

September 20, 2013

Wow your post makes me sad. It's making me rethink the mistake I'm currently making in my 2 year-old marriage.

I think you should say everything you want to say to him and sound as angry as possible. You do have every right to be pissed off.

September 20, 2013

I don't think there is a right question, or a right way to ask the questions. I think you be as honest as you can be about what you need to know. In fact, you beat the dead horse until it starts kicking if you have to. Don't intentionally hurt him, but let him know that this is about YOU. That YOU need to understand.

That said, the A WASN'T about you. It was about HIM. It was about HIM being selfish, HIM needing validation. A lot of people affair down. There is nothing about this woman necessarily that is better than you. It's about the rush, the affair excitement, all of those things. Many people actually are with OM/OWs who are not as good as their spouses. My OM could not compare to H, and yet the rush of the unknown and my selfish wishes allowed me to go seek out the lesser model.

I don't know if that helps, but it's a two-fold thing. One, realizing that you are worth so much more than she is and that him having an A with him means nothing about you. And two, asking the question however many ways are necessary to get the answers you need (and understanding that no answer will ever be good enough).

September 20, 2013

Thank you. I really appreciate the honest answer. It's such a fine line to walk...it's really hurting me right now.

I don't think there is a right question, or a right way to ask the questions. I think you be as honest as you can be about what you need to know. In fact, you beat the dead horse until it starts kicking if you have to. Don't intentionally hurt him, but let him know that this is about YOU. That YOU need to understand.

That said, the A WASN'T about you. It was about HIM. It was about HIM being selfish, HIM needing validation. A lot of people affair down. There is nothing about this woman necessarily that is better than you. It's about the rush, the affair excitement, all of those things. Many people actually are with OM/OWs who are not as good as their spouses. My OM could not compare to H, and yet the rush of the unknown and my selfish wishes allowed me to go seek out the lesser model.

I don't know if that helps, but it's a two-fold thing. One, realizing that you are worth so much more than she is and that him having an A with him means nothing about you. And two, asking the question however many ways are necessary to get the answers you need (and understanding that no answer will ever be good enough).

September 20, 2013

I am so sorry you are hurting. I used to get very unhappy when I would say things and he would answer . He couldn't find the right words to say and none of them would really have given me the answers I needed. He said many times " I don't know what to say, everything comes out wrong". Your husband wants to say the magic words, but they don't exist.

I started writing emails to my husband to ask what I wanted to know and tell him how I felt. That way I could get it all out without crying. I could also read over it and change the wording so it wouldn't sound rude or like I was attacking him .

I feel him leaving you on the floor crying alone to be very cruel.

September 20, 2013

I am so sorry you are hurting. I used to get very unhappy when I would say things and he would answer . He couldn't find the right words to say and none of them would really have given me the answers I needed. He said many times " I don't know what to say, everything comes out wrong". Your husband wants to say the magic words, but they don't exist.

I started writing emails to my husband to ask what I wanted to know and tell him how I felt. That way I could get it all out without crying. I could also read over it and change the wording so it wouldn't sound rude or like I was attacking him .

I feel him leaving you on the floor crying alone to be very cruel.

Oh God, the long texts are way way harder for me than even when he yells.

September 20, 2013

There is no other way around it. Your WH has to face himself, it is one of the hardest things for a wayward to do, and take responsibility for the damage he has done. He has to face watching you fall apart and knowing he has caused it, it is all part of the fallout of his A. You need to discuss and have him answer your questions until you find you are not asking them or they aren't as important as you once thought they were. Healing from an A takes approximately 2-5 years, no easy feat. MC also helps and I'm not sure you and your WH have done any type of counseling.

If your WH is not helping you heal or gets irritated with your questions then I suggest getting your own counselor and not go to a MC and talk to your IC rather than your WH.

September 21, 2013

Photo, I think he needs to understand the pain he's caused you and how he's turned your safe world upside down. He hasn't done much to make you feel loved or secure since he's cheated on you, which makes me wonder how remorseful he truly is.

Some people can forgive infidelity, some people can't.

There's no rush to make a decision right now - Time is on your side.

Surround yourself with good friends and family, those who love and care about you to help you gain some confidence back. His cheating did a real number on your self esteem so you need to build it back up again. Being around friends and family who love you can make you feel cared for, needed and loved. Once you gain more confidence, maybe your perspective will change too.

Have you seen a marriage counselor? Could help as well...For him to go on his own and with you as well.

Edited September 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

September 21, 2013

I am not following any kind of script and I don't know what the best method is. I pretty much let fly when I had a question. I did try to keep myself calm though as I was pregnant when DDay hit. I have since hit the anger phase so I don't ask question....I make statements.

You are not less of a woman and having a cheating H says zero about you as a person. It says zero about your body , your sexuality , your worth , your character.

September 21, 2013

Oh God, the long texts are way way harder for me than even when he yells.

This thread is going in a totally different direction but I saw this and wondered what you meant by "harder"?

September 21, 2013

Photogirl.... there is no guarantee that you and your husband can reconcile, and you are not entitled to a happily ever after with him. Your husband did a lot of things that are very questionable and nobody here can tell you if he is sincere in his efforts to make it up to you. Only he can do that. HOWEVER---- It is definitely possible that even though your husband cheated, he could have just made a terrible mistake and now has come to his senses and will do whatever it takes to repair the damage and build a future with you. I've seen others do that and I sincerely hope yours does that for you. And if he doesn't, you will have the strength to get through that too. Hope for the best, keep looking for the truth, and don't give up.

Edited September 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted posting

September 21, 2013

THank some of you for your help on these forums but during this very difficult time in my life where i've now considered suicide twice I think I'll be bowing out . Good luck to all of you.

September 21, 2013

THank some of you for your help on these forums but during this very difficult time in my life where i've now considered suicide twice I think I'll be bowing out . Good luck to all of you.

I hope you know there are people here that will help you through what they can. I mostly hope that you have support system offline you can lean on. None of this is worth giving up on life.

Hang in there and please keep posting.

September 21, 2013

Please don't leave. IGNORE rude posters, focus on advice that helps you only.

And most of all, please don't do anything to yourself. Seek counseling and maybe consider talking to someone tomorrow to help you cope.

September 21, 2013

THank some of you for your help on these forums but during this very difficult time in my life where i've now considered suicide twice I think I'll be bowing out . Good luck to all of you.

Hun,

you can put people like him on your ignore list. You can also use the report button.... I have been where you are. I was steps away from it. The pain is heartbreaking. It is like you can not breath. Please don't leave. There are people here who can listen to you. You are not alone. We have been there.

September 21, 2013

I've never cheated myself but have been lied to (re:trust issues) plenty of times. Here is my take: I think you have a right to ask all the details of the cheating event(s) without getting "I'm a horrible person. Fine. I can't fix this" drama. I think you have a right to demand all of his passwords (phone records, e-mails, FB, etc.) for 6 months [or however long it takes until you feel comfortable] to make sure there is nothing shady going on with his ex or with another person. I think you need to read up more about cheaters (here or anywhere else) and realize that this wasn't much about you not measuring it up but more about his moral campus and commitment [or the lackthereof] to you and your family. I think he needs to stop the verbal apology [they are just words] and start explaining why you had to find out (as opposed to he coming forward with this info) this cheating and why he kept lying to you two more times, even after this event. This is just a start...

I feel bad that you were hurt (and he broke your trust) and you still care about whether your actions come off as you're attacking him. What a sweet girl. I hope things work out for you.

This is a great post, especially the part where you assume there is a logical explanation to the fact that he kept lying after discovery and that he should just stop lying and start telling the truth. It really is that simple.

September 21, 2013

My husband cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. I feel like I am not ever going to measure up to her. She's moved out of state and he's doing everything he can to repair our marriage -- counseling and meeting with our pastor and reading books and talking as much as he can.He has apologized more than a hundred times in the last seven weeks since I discovered everything. I have caught him in two more lies since then and we have addressed those in counseling and in person. He seems to want to protect himself but also me during all of this. My question to the cheaters is....how do I ask questions of him, since he does seem to have true remorse, that won't make him feel like I am attacking him. How do I be honest with him about how much I am hurt without making things worse for him?

Today I was honest and told him when we drive by the exit for the town she used to live in I think of them having sex and I wonder if it was one of the nights I was sitting home worrying about him...like where was I when this was going on. And I told him I feel like less of a woman...less desirable and unworthy. He said NOTHING. He only said "I don't know what to say to you...All I know is I love you and I'm here with you,not with her. I'm here. I want to be here with you and I want to be a family again." (We have a six year old son). That sounded like such a damn cop-out to me so I said "Why was she so attractive to you? WHY!?" and I started bawling like an idiot. His response was "I...I...I just shouldn't have moved home. I can't fix this. I'm not strong enough. I screwed all this up.." blah, blah, blah, blah...more about him and how he has messed it all up. It felt like he was saying "I can't tell you why I loved her so much and didn't love you because it will hurt you so much..." BUt I'm a woman and I read 5,000 meanings into things.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell him these things, share with him or ask him things without screwing it all up even more. He left the house in tears, telling me he loved me with me on the floor bawling and wishing I was dead. We have been able to talk it out some since then, but still...I don't know how to explain to him how I no longer feel like a real woman....without making him feel even more like crap.

Forgive me, I have not read all posts after this as internet sporadic where I am. Its so sad but your husband sounds exactly loke mine. Mine emotionally cheated on me with his ex and lied about contact etc. I went nuts, like crazy crazy nuts so I understand the pain and the anger and indignity.

What I can say is, as fron what you say, is to take a step back. I know it sounds crazy ( I sure thought so when advised by my amazing LS friends) but it helps. My husband blames me foreverything. He would get upset and say he couldnt handle my sadness. Oh he hurt me SOmuch, he cant deal with it. It is so hard for him. Thus he was making it about him. Also known as , making me crazier as he just wouldnt validate my pain withour inserting his damn ****.

Right now, I dont know where I am. I left to another country for a few days (hence bad interner) cause I need to get awy frlm him. We have had phone convos with me falling apart as all he does is talk about HIS damn pain. However then I stopped reacting. I stopped answering. I followed the amazing advise I was given. He s now msging me saying sory this sorry that. Believe me its their ego.

However I guess the whole point of this msg ( forgive me I had a voda soda earlier, call it angry wife rage) is u DONT have to live like this. The pain of this type of manipulation is too much. He knows he has u wrapped around his finger and he knows your weak spots. Dont play into this. Remain passive. Guard your heart and let him work for it.

September 21, 2013

I hope you will remember your son, he needs his mother.

Your husband has hurt you and he needs to help you with the pain.

Your husband was selfish and did not think about the pain he is causing you. You are better than his affair partner. You do not cheat with anyone. There is no comparison.

September 21, 2013

As a fWS, I can tell you that the "I can't fix this wah wah" drama is just selfish deflection and he needs to cut it out. He hurt you, and he needs to man up and work on it instead of whining about how hard his consequences are.

OK, now that that is out of my system.

99% of people affair down. Let me say that again for the people who I already know read that and are saying "no no I'm waaaaay hotter and better than the BS." 99% of people affair down. Even if they don't affair down in appearance or money or whatever, they affair down in CHARACTER. Because someone with character doesn't horn in on a marriage. And until someone is divorced...guess what? They are married.

I truly hope your husband can stop focusing on HIM and begin focusing on YOU.

((((hug)))

September 21, 2013

Wow your post makes me sad. It's making me rethink the mistake I'm currently making in my 2 year-old marriage.

I think you should say everything you want to say to him and sound as angry as possible. You do have every right to be pissed off.

Hang in there. I don't know what you're going through, but I hope you can make it right with your SO. The pain of not knowing and having to find out on your own is the worst. The worst

September 22, 2013

I don't think there is a right question, or a right way to ask the questions. I think you be as honest as you can be about what you need to know. In fact, you beat the dead horse until it starts kicking if you have to. Don't intentionally hurt him, but let him know that this is about YOU. That YOU need to understand.

That said, the A WASN'T about you. It was about HIM. It was about HIM being selfish, HIM needing validation. A lot of people affair down. There is nothing about this woman necessarily that is better than you. It's about the rush, the affair excitement, all of those things. Many people actually are with OM/OWs who are not as good as their spouses. My OM could not compare to H, and yet the rush of the unknown and my selfish wishes allowed me to go seek out the lesser model.

I don't know if that helps, but it's a two-fold thing. One, realizing that you are worth so much more than she is and that him having an A with him means nothing about you. And two, asking the question however many ways are necessary to get the answers you need (and understanding that no answer will ever be good enough).

The MOM was completely a step down in my A As well. It was me that needed to feel better and he was ALWAYS there. It was an emotional rush for me because in my case the sex was far and few between and that was fine for me because I wasn't interested in the sexual aspect. I have told my BH it was good for me because I could feel how much MOM wanted me. It was an emotionally connection. MOM would talk about his feelings for me constantly and that is what I needed. He would tell me how he knew it was always me for him etc etc etc..he wished he would have kept persueing

Me before he got married (we had dated about 12 years prior and I continously turned down his advances so he gave up)...he told me how he thinks his W is boring and she doesnt know how to have fun. She also has a debilitating illness and he didnt want to have to take care of her and the house and their son. He had to take careof his mother before she died and he was tired of it all.

so yes...all the wasted time I spent on this man who i now see was a liar the ENTIRE time I've known him. He has no charactor and is beyond selfish and disgusting. My BH still loves and stands beside me. Holds me when I cry to this day when i cry over my actions...and then he gets tears in HIS eyesbecause he sees MY pain...my BH leaves me sppeechless with his endless love and determination to work on our M and to make me/him/us whole again. I have worked on me and still work to make my BH feel safe. My A is not in ANY way a reflection of his shortcomings...it was mine. I wish you luck and less pain

September 22, 2013

Please ask your WS EVERY question you need to and AS MANY TIMES as YOU need to. This is NOT about him and his being uncomfortable. It is about YOU and all the anguish, pain and uncertainty you are feeling. Pleas hang in, if he doesn't get it now, then continue with MC...if he won't go then you go to IC, not because he says you "need it" because it will only help you and make you stronger...and if he continues to be cold and tell you what you can and cannot say/ask...you will be strong enough to make the move you need to make.

It has been FOUR YEARS for me and my BH. He is still hurt, but he loves and trusts me. He knows I have worked on what was broken in me. I have held him EVERY single time he needed me...and just this morning, he held me up. He was there for me. I stand in awe of how far we have come. We are a team. I know he is still hurting and I will NEVER minimize or dismiss his hurt. He has given me the gift of R and I thank him every day. If your WH was TRULY remorseful he wouldn't even think of putting a time limit on anything in your healing journey. The MOM in my A actually told his W one night after they went out and she drank a bit too much and she went off on him and as he put it "attacked him" over the A, he actually told her this will be the LAST time you do this...that is NOT remorseful at it's best. It's called CONSEQUENCES for our actions. It is hard, but a TRULY remorseful WS will put the BS's needs ahead of their own EVERY SINGLE time.

We have our hard times, but what we have learned...after years of working through my BH's questions and fears, is to keep the fun times coming..to make time for US, just US. To take time to nurture each other, to feel each other, to love each other...this is a man I will NEVER take for granted EVER again.

Edited September 22, 2013 by crepesuzette
left out one sentence

September 23, 2013

I would respectfully disagree with this position. If one partner is having an affair, then there is something underlying issue or dysfunction in the marriage relationship. The conventional wisdom in this part of the site is that the WS is 100% to blame for the affair. I would submit that no man or woman in a committed, loving relationship where needs are met, whatever needs they be, wakes up one day and says, I think I will start an affair with, coworker, waitress, neighbor, etc. Both partners in the marriage share culpability for letting it get to the point where one looks outside to get a need met. If this were not the case then there would be no reconcilations and all these things would end if divorce. I would imagine that a large majority of the situations end up in reconcilations.

OP you should ask your husband what need you weren't meeting that caused him to look outside. And try to manage your emotions long enough to get to the root cause. Good luck to you.

I don't think there is a right question, or a right way to ask the questions. I think you be as honest as you can be about what you need to know. In fact, you beat the dead horse until it starts kicking if you have to. Don't intentionally hurt him, but let him know that this is about YOU. That YOU need to understand.

That said, the A WASN'T about you. It was about HIM. It was about HIM being selfish, HIM needing validation. A lot of people affair down. There is nothing about this woman necessarily that is better than you. It's about the rush, the affair excitement, all of those things. Many people actually are with OM/OWs who are not as good as their spouses. My OM could not compare to H, and yet the rush of the unknown and my selfish wishes allowed me to go seek out the lesser model.

I don't know if that helps, but it's a two-fold thing. One, realizing that you are worth so much more than she is and that him having an A with him means nothing about you. And two, asking the question however many ways are necessary to get the answers you need (and understanding that no answer will ever be good enough).

September 23, 2013

The dialogue you have written there, I could replace you with me and your husband with my wife. It actually made me think about what has happened to me but mine has only been just over 4 weeks, it's sad, I'm sorry for you and hope things work out for you. Just say what you feel, my emotions change in a second, my wife knows when I've just thought of something that I can't get my head around or figure out. Hopefully he'll be strong enough to take it on the chin and not feel it's too much for him. good luck.

September 23, 2013

I would respectfully disagree with this position. If one partner is having an affair, then there is something underlying issue or dysfunction in the marriage relationship. The conventional wisdom in this part of the site is that the WS is 100% to blame for the affair. I would submit that no man or woman in a committed, loving relationship where needs are met, whatever needs they be, wakes up one day and says, I think I will start an affair with, coworker, waitress, neighbor, etc. Both partners in the marriage share culpability for letting it get to the point where one looks outside to get a need met. If this were not the case then there would be no reconcilations and all these things would end if divorce. I would imagine that a large majority of the situations end up in reconcilations.

OP you should ask your husband what need you weren't meeting that caused him to look outside. And try to manage your emotions long enough to get to the root cause. Good luck to you.

Absolutely not the case. I have said that there comes a point if the marriage was dysfuntual before the A that the BS needs to look at their contribution to the M.

marriage issues aren't 50/50 all the time either. Because you can't control your spouse and how they feel. Sometimes people check out of the marriage because of a problem in themselves and the spouse who is still in it can't do anything about it. If they split the spouse who was left behind should not feel it is their fault.

Take better for instance who was with a seriel cheater. It wouldn't have mattered if he was married to a saint. He would have cheated.

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For remorseful cheaters: what are the right questions

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