katielee Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 How do you all get to feeling better? I have hobbies, workout, see friends, etc. But I’m so tired of being consumed by this. I want to live my life without thinking about it. Its been too long.
BetrayedH Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 2.5 years and counting. Divorce didn't work; that was a year ago. Let me know when you get an answer to this one. I think it takes what it takes. That's answer I'm going with anyway. 9
ladydesigner Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I'm with you Katie! I'm 18 months out from DDay and I still think about it. Now I think about it in how effed up my WH REALLY is. His A opened my eyes to something much more disturbing about him, so I am thankful my rose colored glasses are off. I am getting my life back one day at a time and I am loving every minute of it. Each day I feel I become more enlightened, empowered, and stronger in regards to my WH's infidelity. I am actually seeking out things in life I was unable to before. I have made a wonderful new support system outside of my WH. It's a new time for me like Alicia Keys' song 'Brand New Me'. I really can relate to that song. 3
whatatangledweb Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I have no clue. I think about it everyday and it has been over two years. It does get less painful as time goes by but I am so tired of being reminded of it.
TaraMaiden Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 You make a conscious choice about whether you intend to live your life like this for the foreseeable future, or decide that it's not going to rule you for one more day. It really is that simple[highlight]*[/highlight]. Trust me, I've been faced with this choice, and I decided to put - the baggage - down and move away from the mill-stone. And it feels so much lighter. ([highlight]*[/highlight]Note: 'Simple' doesn't mean 'easy'. But that's how it's done.) 3
doubled Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It's been almost 4 years. I definitely feel better but it never goes away. I think about it at some point every single day. Some days it makes me mad and some sad. It sucks that my marriage was never what I thought it was. It does happen less and get better as time passes.
ladydesigner Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 My dad still thinks about my mom's A from 20 years ago. He told me the pain dulls with time, but it sometimes will still bother him. 1
Sadwife37 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 It will be 2 years since D Day in Nov and I am really just now starting to get myself back. The last 2 months or so have been a major turning point. I still think about the affair every day, but not at all the same as even at 18 months. I believe I am starting to feel peace again. I feel happy. I feel like we made it. I blocked OW on Facebook and haven't looked at her site, driven by her home or office, or even been focusing on her at all lately. I haven't felt the need to track my H, and I feel confident that he will never cheat again. I also feel that he is starting to forgive himself and get back to normal. He made a monumentally huge mistake. He regrets it and would do absolutely anything to change it if he could. His bad choices won't define our entire lives. And they don't define who he is. I focused on the pain and betrayal so completely. And even though I had counselling, spent time on LS, read every book about overcoming A.s, I still internalized my H's choices and took his actions so personally. I felt like us recovering was impossible because I was so completely destroyed. I thought he could not have done what he did if he actually loved me. I thought about the A, OW, what they did, how he may have felt, everyday, all day. Those days of dwelling on it and thinking about nothing but the horrible painful actions, were painful beyond words. Now I accept it for what it was. His A broke my heart. But I am finally healing and we are going to be happy together for a very long time. It took a long time, 20 months or so, but I am doing vastly better. Good luck to you. It will come. 8
harrybrown Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I hope to finally stop thinking about it the day that I die. It seems like it will never go away. I think about it everyday.
Rager50 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I don't think about the event or the other woman, I think about my husband and who he really is. Mostly those thoughts only come up because of something else...I recognize more of the same basic behaviors that led to his one night stand in his daily operations, if that makes sense. The blame-shifting, the selfishness, the entitlement, etc. Realizing that these behaviors are part of his character (rather than exceptions that occurred just once) have made it easier for me to create distance and focus on making myself happy. 2
Journee Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 For me it's like the back pain I have from complications with my cesarean. It's a dull pain that seems to be there constantly but when I do the right or wrong thing pain shoots through me like an arrow. I read a lot and chase my youngin's around. I daydream of when it doesn't hurt. I try to keep the connections I have in this world strong. I draw and write. Heck, even chores help. Keeping busy is what helps me. Moments when I have free time are what create havoc in my mind.
MammaMia Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 "The man you divorce is not the man you married" Anonymous What a great quote and it also applies to women as well. The spouse you divorce is not the spouse you married. Another great quote: I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. ― Friedrich Nietzsche Although true that time heals all wounds, it never goes away. The pain is more tolerable as time passes. There will always be something there to trigger you however many years go by. Personally I get angry when I think how the bimbo can go on with her life, that my H brushed it off so fast and was able to sleep at nights when I was wide awake many a night thinking of the betrayal. I do get angry when I think that the only one still suffering is me. I am trying my hardest to push the EA aside and go on with my life as best I can. I hope there will come a day when " frankly my dear, I won't give a damn." 2
Author katielee Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 blindkilled: do you think we would have blind trust for anyone though? I know I wouldn't... So, the consensus is that it is always with you but the pain lessons after a while... 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Weaving trauma into our new selves is difficult. I think more difficult as an adult. As a child...we can see how far removed we are from that child/place. And quite frankly...who the f*&^ wants to!!!! Living with the person who caused the trauma goes against all self-protection mechanisms. It is a constant reminder..especially if they do or say anything that remotely reminds you of that time. I believe that once we stop focusing on the other person and reel our reserves, dreams, goals inward...we start to heal. We love us. Stop trying to see the end, its an illusion anyways. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I'm not there yet. But I can remember a time when I liked myself not that long ago. I don't particularly like the person I have become in the past couple of years. My intention is to keep making changes and digging out of this hole until I like myself again.
James-London Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 It is comforting to see other people going through the same thing as me right now. I have been trying to think of positives from this. For one thing, I think I was really naïve before and would believe people just at their word. Now I know that people can lie to you even when they seem totally genuine. I hope I can apply this in a useful way to better protect myself rather than just become a suspicious and twisted person. Also, in retrospect, the signs of infidelity were quite clear. I am confident I could spot them easily in my next relationship. There is always a risk it could happen again, but every person in the world who is in a relationship carries that same risk. Also, I will try to get the right balance of trusting a partner and remembering that they are human and therefore liable to leave and/or cheat. I guess this dynamic is something that must be monitored throughout the relationship and readjusted as you go along.
James-London Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 PS. right now I am trying to work on my self-esteem and confidence. If I can believe I can get another gf - even one who is more suitable than the last one (which shouldn't be too hard) - then I'm hoping my ex will become less relevant. Well, that's the hope anyway! good luck everyone. 1
dichotomy Posted September 23, 2013 Posted September 23, 2013 Depends on what the issues, problems are. Everyone is slightly different. There were mutlitple things I had resolve - and I worked on each of them seperately and differently. Some tasks have been very sucessful - better than before Dday, other things only partially and still not back to normal. No way I am getting my old life back - thats gone - but rather finding my wat to a new life I can deal with.
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