waiting4u Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I'm just starting this year's OLD adventure and I guess I'm a bit apathetic about the whole thing. I'm introverted and sometimes dating is fun and other times it feels like a chore. I had drinks with a guy the other night and he seemed really nice and easy to talk to. Thing is - I don't feel like I want to tear off his clothes or anything (although he's not bad looking) and I feel like we may not be totally compatible intellectually, but I should give him a chance, right? A second date just to be sure? We've got a dinner date this weekend and certainly don't have butterflies or anything. My intentions for dating are perhaps messed up. I'm not sure I want a boyfriend just to have one. I would have to really really fall for someone to make out with them or have sex. I'm not looking to snog every guy I go out with. I just want to meet people and see where it goes. Is that wrong? This guy seems like he's sort of "looking for love" in a more serious way than I am. I don't want to lead anyone on. Can I just have fun and meet people?
Mascara Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to establish if you want anything further with them. So no, you're not leading him on by not being entirely sure about him - that's what dating is. Someone may well be "looking for love", but they can't expect someone to know that until they've dated for a while. Sometimes, after 1, 2 or 10 dates you realise you don't want things to go any further. That doesn't mean you led anyone on, it doesn't mean you're not looking for love yourself, it just means you were dating. 1
Mr.Mango Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 Just like how it takes time to become friends, it takes time to really like someone. I've completely misjudged many people at first who I then ended up befriending or dating. You honestly have nothing to lose by going on a second date, unless you absolutely don't like him at all. Even then I've ended up with people I hated at first. You're also a girl, so at the very least you get easy excuses to get to know, befriend or date men while doing fun stuff. Hopefully 1
Phantom888 Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 I think it's okay to go on 2nd date just to see where it's going. If there is no chemistry, then that's okay. Nothing wrong with good company. 1
crederer Posted September 20, 2013 Posted September 20, 2013 What do you have to lose by going on a second date? Just go for it, sometimes things take time. I'd hate to see you bail on this thing when there was an opportunity to take it further. 1
quartz88 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I don't think a 2nd date is leading anyone on. I've been trying to adopt the same mindset and give everyone (who I can at least have a pleasant time with) a second, and sometimes a third date. All of the relationships I've had have stemmed from the type of emotional/intellectual attraction where I instantly "knew" we'd click...but since most of those also came with logistical problems and hidden red flags that were only revealed with time, I figured it best to change how I was approaching dating. People are sometimes nervous on first dates. Or, in order to keep expectations low, they're just coffee dates, and the really fun activity-oriented dates that show more of the person's personality don't happen until the 2nd or 3rd date. I'm in the same boat, however; if I don't get more than a "meh, this person is nice" feeling after that point, I lose interest. It's exhausting feeling like dating is an "exercise" and having to repeat your life story to people you feel very little connection with. I keep hoping that eventually, some light will go off, and on the 2nd or 3rd date, things will pick up. 1
Gottabestrong Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I think it is not leading someone on if you go on a couple dates with them, even if you are not sure if you want to pursue something more. I'd say 3 dates are about the time when you should think about whether you just want to be friends or more and if it is only friends, then you should say something so the other person does not get too emotionally attached and can decide for themselves if they want to pursue a friendship or not. Obviously your actions and words should match your thoughts. By that I mean that you should not say things like 'You are so amazing. I've never met anyone like you. I can't wait to see you again.' etc. or cuddle them, hold hands nonstop, make out or more if you don't know yet whether you are actually interested in this person. (Not that I think you do that. That is more a general disclaimer to my advice. ) Good luck and have fun on your date!
abby_tx Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I was actually going to post the same question, but now I don't have to. I went on a first date last night with a guy who was nice and conversation was easy, but I didn't have strong chemistry with. But dating hasn't been working so well for me, so maybe I need to be less picky and give them a second date? 1
candie13 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Dating is about meeting people and getting to know them. You don't owe anyone anything, so if that guys "seems more serious about finding love" to me it's just an excuse to have sex faster. He may be telling the truth, but we don't care about him, we care about you. Be casual about dating, not so dead serious. Enjoy, have fun, keep it light... and stay away from romantic settings. If the guys asked you to dinner, and he takes you in a place where the lights are dim, it's harder to not admit the obvious: you feel no chemistry for now. If he wants chemistry and fireworks and steamy embraces into the night... it's not gonna be with you. Some men don't mind compromising and trading a late dinner with a hike during the afternoon. Others do. Fair enough for them. Be true to yourself and don't let yourself pressured by men into sex or into dating, unless you really like them and unless it's what you really want. Between me and you, plenty of guys out there, be sure to not waste too much time trying too hard and auto-convicing yourself about that guy. Relax and have a good time. If you get bored, admit it and take off. No hard feelings.
henderson14 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I've heard a lot of stories about how women didn't like guys when they first met them, but later fell in love with them. The only problems is that this always happens naturally in the real world when they see each other on a regular basis.
KathyM Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I would suggest being upfront about your intentions so that you don't lead him on. Letting him know that you are not looking for anything serious right now, but just looking to get to know people and have fun would be a good thing to communicate. Then it will be his choice on whether to date on those terms or not, but at least you will have been honest with him.
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