Author HopingAgain Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 Made under duress' date=' not sustainable, cruel. Can you ever contemplate a WS doing that to his BS, ''sorry the marriage is over, not contacting you again''.... NO.[/quote'] It would be entirely different with a spouse. Not really comparable at all IMO. 1
Author HopingAgain Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 There is no need to be cruel. No need to be kind. The NC letter is written as a straight to the point business letter. Where the WS states it was wrong for them to have an affair. That the WS regrets the pain they inflicted on their BS. That the affair is over and NC is forever. The WS will be spending their time now repairing the damage he/her did to his/her marriage. This is good bye. I get that emotion should be left out of NC letters ideally. But in so many cases it seems there's always a resulting follow up to explain things or desiring an explanation later on. Just seems like in a situation like this silence speaks volumes and loudly at that! 1
Author HopingAgain Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 Sometimes I read my posts and wonder who that person is. I am just so sick of the drama it makes me sick. I feel they deserve one another because it's so ridiculous to waste a person's life simply because one is a coward. I have to really watch what I post on the other board because I have become so annoyed with it all. Just flipping be together already. Waste each other's time or go on to be better people together. It makes me the most upset seeing people carry on for years. It's disgusting. I think mental NC is impossible when coming to this site because it reignites the fiery ick I feel. I'm in awe of the stuff I read here and the arrogance of it all. I don't buy that AP's are insecure...I sure can't tell. The bragging and jabs taken at an unknowing BS speaks volumes to the participants character. At this point I don't even check things anymore. There is nothing that I can do to prevent him from cheating. Absolutely nothing. I have two very small people that need me to be sane. I was losing my mind checking and checking. You are very kind HA. I hope I didn't change the tone of your thread. I'm just so angry and I haven't anywhere to direct it. No worries, Journee! I think everything you wrote is relatable to the topic. I am trying to wean myself from checking up too because the reality is either he will or he won't. I think my main motivation at this point is that if he does decide to cheat ever again I can find out sooner rather than later and get on with my life if that happened. God Forbid it does. 2
whatatangledweb Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 (edited) Made under duress' date=' not sustainable, cruel. Can you ever contemplate a WS doing that to his BS, ''sorry the marriage is over, not contacting you again''.... NO.[/quote'] It was sustainable as he has not had any contact with her in over two years. I know because she sent me texts a few months back. It was clear she had not heard from him. I then changed my number. She didn't care about me why would I care how she felt? I was not next to him.He was not home. I had no idea he was going to call her. He had tried to end it a few days earlier by meeting with her and she wouldn't stop contacting him. That is how I found out. It wasn't a surprise for her. Edited September 21, 2013 by whatatangledweb
whatatangledweb Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 You are being mean and cruel' date=' which I can understand but i come on here hoping to understand how a BS feels and you should maybe do the same. Most people on these boards are in pain and that should not be sorted into pain priorities. Like, because I fell in love with someone who was married, then my pain is not important. Selfish and cruel. Pain is pain. If you read properly what i am saying, I know if my MM were forced to tell me it was over whilst his BS were standing behind him, then it would not be over, it would just be hidden. You cannot hold love at gunpoint|!|!! You cannot stand guard 24/7. Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing.[/quote'] I learned to have empathy for OW/OM by reading the boards here. I do feel badly for your pain and everyone here. Your story is one of the most painful I have read. But you are not the OW in my marriage. If you were then I am sorry but your feelings would not matter to me. 1
Coolit Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 You are being mean and cruel' date=' which I can understand but i come on here hoping to understand how a BS feels and you should maybe do the same. Most people on these boards are in pain and that should not be sorted into pain priorities. Like, because I fell in love with someone who was married, then my pain is not important. Selfish and cruel. Pain is pain. If you read properly what i am saying, I know if my MM were forced to tell me it was over whilst his BS were standing behind him, then it would not be over, it would just be hidden. You cannot hold love at gunpoint|!|!! You cannot stand guard 24/7. Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing.[/quote'] A remorseful ws sends a nc letter because they have chosen their spouse. An unremorseful ws does it to do damage control an won't keep it. The latter is a terrible person who had their chance to get out but was too cowardly to take it. So they go on hurting two people. I feel sorry for people who are in pain. I feel less sorry (but still sorry) for people who who inflicted the pain upon themselves and continue to do so. So a knowing AP (I'm not talking about when both AP and BS are betrayed) gets less sympathy from me than a BS who had no clue. There was a car wreck where a guy passed when unsafe and hit another vehicle. People died. I am not so hard that I didn't feel sad for the driver at fault who was hanging on barely and in a lot of pain in the hospital. But I felt far more sympathy for the people who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I daily suffer the pain of my affair. It is a very real sharp pain that at times makes it hard to breath. But, I made all my own choices. And while I appreciate when people are kind on here or my H is IRL, I know I don't deserve it. My H, on the otherhand does deserve compassion. 3
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 I mad whim block her on everything. Then I called her and threatened to release all her nasty pics and videos to everyone, ex specially her family. We have not heard from her since. Although her BH did message me to let me know that they are separating. So I hope she took my threats seriously.
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 Sorry for the mistakes. I am on my phone.
road Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 You are being mean and cruel' date=' which I can understand but i come on here hoping to understand how a BS feels and you should maybe do the same. Most people on these boards are in pain and that should not be sorted into pain priorities. Like, because I fell in love with someone who was married, then my pain is not important. Selfish and cruel. Pain is pain. If you read properly what i am saying, I know if my MM were forced to tell me it was over whilst his BS were standing behind him, then it would not be over, it would just be hidden. You cannot hold love at gunpoint|!|!! You cannot stand guard 24/7. Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing.[/quote'] How do you respect yourself putting out for and taking 2nds from a MM? 1
SidLyon Posted September 21, 2013 Posted September 21, 2013 You are being mean and cruel' date=' which I can understand but i come on here hoping to understand how a BS feels and you should maybe do the same. Most people on these boards are in pain and that should not be sorted into pain priorities. Like, because I fell in love with someone who was married, then my pain is not important. Selfish and cruel. Pain is pain. If you read properly what i am saying, I know if my MM were forced to tell me it was over whilst his BS were standing behind him, then it would not be over, it would just be hidden. You cannot hold love at gunpoint|!|!! You cannot stand guard 24/7. Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing.[/quote'] I notice a lot of confusion on this board about NC agreements. The NC agreement is basically an agreement between the MM/WH and his BW that the MM/WH will have no further contact with the OW. Ideally it should be conveyed to the OW. One thing it shouldn't be is an ongoing secret agreement between the MM and the OW, because the APs having ongoing secret agreements represent further betrayal; although there's nothing preventing the OW deciding for herself to go NC. I actually agree that it's mean and cruel but it's the WH/MM who has got himself into this situation. He has most likely already been mean and cruel to his BW and if he wants his marriage then in order to implement NC he is going to be mean and cruel to the OW. Somewhere along the way he has to face the dilemma he's put himself into. The dilemma being that somebody is going to get very hurt and it's him that's going to be inflicting the hurt. In my opinion until the WH/MM faces up to what he's done, then any NC agreement that he feels has been forced on him by the BW is probably not going to hold much water. As a BW myself I said I would stay married to him provided he agreed to not have OW in our marriage and went NC with her. He wrote a short succinct e-mail telling her I'd found out, that he loved me and wanted to stay with me and therefore would have no further contact with her. He did break NC about a week later, claiming he was "letting her down lightly". I was ready to throw in the towel and since then he's only contacted her with my knowledge about getting a DNA test for the child born during the affair. I agree that I don't want to spend my life enforcing NC as I'm not his police officer. It's been nearly 5 years now and if he wants OW or to leave he can, our kids are now adults. Anything I wrote above applies equally if the genders are reversed. 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing. Two way street? No, respect is a one way street. Its the respect I give myself. Self Respect. I respect myself enough to treat others as I would like to be treated, irrespective of how they are. It seems to me, that many ap, don't want to respect the NC letter, email, phone call, unless they have personal input. Again, it doesnt work that way. The sender/senders get to set their boundaries, the other parties wishes don't matter in the slightest. Its actually being respectful, giving the other party the heads up, the reasons are none of the ap business. Its a statement, not a discussion. 4
janedoe67 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 The way to avoid NC pain is to choose not to till in someone else's garden. And yes, it IS a choice. And choices have consequences. 4
katielee Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 NC: it had better be short, and it had better be cruel. Otherwise, not interested. You give any amount if kindness to the OW and I'm gone.
Coolit Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 NC: it had better be short, and it had better be cruel. Otherwise, not interested. You give any amount if kindness to the OW and I'm gone. See that is not a healthy attitude. Understandable but not healthy. There is no reason for a letter to be "cruel". If you take your emotions out of the situation and look at it for a moment objectively you will see that adding more cruelty ontop of the spouse's cruel behaviour to his BW is not good for anyone. A no contact letter should not he about revenge or winning. Revenge never helps the one who seeks it and a BS seeing their S staying as winning is looking at the whole thing as a competition and if that is the case. Wow "winning" a cheater as a prize is nothing to gloat over. We are over. I am going to commit 100% to my marriage. I should have never got involved with you. What happened between us was the biggest mistake of my life. (a NC letter is a great time for even those that loathe the word mistake to allow it to be used). I ask that you do not contact me ever again. I personally don't think threats need to be handed out the first time. Nor should history be rewrote into a NC letter. I would never hae agreed to my Husband forcing me to call xMM names or belittle him. Why would I? Anything derrogatory I would have thrown at him would have bounced back on me. When he contacted me peed off at me for tellin his w the truth I did call him a lying manipulative bastard. All very true but I probably shouldn't have brought up his birth status.
Author HopingAgain Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 You are being mean and cruel' date=' which I can understand but i come on here hoping to understand how a BS feels and you should maybe do the same. Most people on these boards are in pain and that should not be sorted into pain priorities. Like, because I fell in love with someone who was married, then my pain is not important. Selfish and cruel. Pain is pain. If you read properly what i am saying, I know if my MM were forced to tell me it was over whilst his BS were standing behind him, then it would not be over, it would just be hidden. You cannot hold love at gunpoint|!|!! You cannot stand guard 24/7. Just like you cannot force someone to respect you, it has to be a two way thing.[/quote'] It's not intended to come across as mean or cruel but its just reality. Truthfully a WS is lucky to get any opportunity at all to reconcile with BS after cheating. You're damn right I guess its selfish for a wife to expect her wayward husband to cut the Bullcrap and put HER feelings above that of ANY other woman. I made it clear to WH if he contacted her again I was done with him. He chose to abide by those terms and if he'd wanted to throw caution to the wind and do otherwise that would have been his choice too. I don't hate the OW in my scenario but I could also care less about her feelings on being dropped like a hot stone by my H when she sure as hell didn't care about my feelings as his WIFE. 2
Author HopingAgain Posted September 22, 2013 Author Posted September 22, 2013 I learned to have empathy for OW/OM by reading the boards here. I do feel badly for your pain and everyone here. Your story is one of the most painful I have read. But you are not the OW in my marriage. If you were then I am sorry but your feelings would not matter to me. Exactly this. Like APs sit around and wring their hands in sorrow about how mean their MM is being to the BS in the midst of the affair! Now when the BS discovers the affair she's supposed to feel bad for OW when her husband ends it? Why? 3
Furious Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 Over the past few months I've been reading both sides of the affair forums and how NC either is neccessary for rebuilding efforts or how it affected the affair partners. My question is, how was no contact implemented in your case for those who are rebuilding? Did your WS send a letter, email, or phone call? Or was it just a cut off from communication cold turkey? Which method would you have preferred and which seems to work best? I suppose there are pros and cons to each. From what I've read, affair partners don't seem to take the letters, emails and calls as seriously because they feel that the BS "made" the WS do it. But in the case of cold turkey end ofcommunication entirely, it seems to send a clearer message. In our case, WH went cold turkey on his affair partner once Dday hit. He just dropped off the face of the Earth where she was concerned. Initially I felt like this could leave a door open to restart things later because it was not clearly stated that it was over. But after I found out that he started to ignore her subsequent texts and efforts at communication it became clear that for us this sent the message to her more directly that it was done. And although 'it sounds cold...I do feel that was the preferred way for me that he go NC with her. No letter where feelings could be misinterepreted, no calls or texts with an anguished voice or tone. Just the end! It's a very delicate topic and there are so many views on how to implement NC. Unfortunately a betrayed spouse isn't given a letter or consideration informing them an affair is now beginning but the affair partner now deserves a letter or e-mail that the affair must now end. In my situation, I had handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I gave him my blessing to have as much contact with the OW he wanted, I even offered to pay for the wedding. To my surprise he initiated no contact and moved heaven and earth for a second chance with me. 2
Coolit Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 It's a very delicate topic and there are so many views on how to implement NC. Unfortunately a betrayed spouse isn't given a letter or consideration informing them an affair is now beginning but the affair partner now deserves a letter or e-mail that the affair must now end. In my situation, I had handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I gave him my blessing to have as much contact with the OW he wanted, I even offered to pay for the wedding. To my surprise he initiated no contact and moved heaven and earth for a second chance with me. The NC letter is not for the AP but for the R couple. Not sending one is not wrong but many BS need to see their WS write one (or see it).
janedoe67 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 The NC letter is not for the AP but for the R couple. Not sending one is not wrong but many BS need to see their WS write one (or see it). Yup, the AP chose to accept the bobby prize in a married/taken person, so when it;s over, it's over. Next time don't choose someone who has already been chosen.
Journee Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 It's a very delicate topic and there are so many views on how to implement NC. Unfortunately a betrayed spouse isn't given a letter or consideration informing them an affair is now beginning but the affair partner now deserves a letter or e-mail that the affair must now end. In my situation, I had handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. I gave him my blessing to have as much contact with the OW he wanted, I even offered to pay for the wedding. To my surprise he initiated no contact and moved heaven and earth for a second chance with me. This makes me think of when I have seen AP's state that their relationship with the WS is none of the BS's business. Okay, then the same applies here. If the BS and WS decide NC is in order it is none of the AP's business how or why it came about. This is also why I don't buy the theory that AP's are these insecure blobs they are often described as by default. They often come across as feeling that they deserve MORE respect than anyone else in the dynamic. To hell with anyone else. Well, unfortunately you chose to ignore the one true " bad" trait that should had been your least favorite thing about your MM. Not ONLY is he married... he is a liar. Whether he is good or bad at it. Whether you are also superior enough to not be lied to by him. Whether or not you have a connection. He lies. Everyday probably. Several times. Especially if the BS has suspicions. I really will just never understand this stuff. It should be a no brainer that a choice should be made on DDay. It can go either way. It doesn't always happen like this though. Plenty of cowards fake NC.
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