No Contact Questions?

[HopingAgain]

Over the past few months I've been reading both sides of the affair forums and how NC either is neccessary for rebuilding efforts or how it affected the affair partners.

 

My question is, how was no contact implemented in your case for those who are rebuilding? Did your WS send a letter, email, or phone call? Or was it just a cut off from communication cold turkey? Which method would you have preferred and which seems to work best?

 

I suppose there are pros and cons to each. From what I've read, affair partners don't seem to take the letters, emails and calls as seriously because they feel that the BS "made" the WS do it. But in the case of cold turkey end ofcommunication entirely, it seems to send a clearer message.

 

In our case, WH went cold turkey on his affair partner once Dday hit. He just dropped off the face of the Earth where she was concerned. Initially I felt like this could leave a door open to restart things later because it was not clearly stated that it was over. But after I found out that he started to ignore her subsequent texts and efforts at communication it became clear that for us this sent the message to her more directly that it was done. And although 'it sounds cold...I do feel that was the preferred way for me that he go NC with her. No letter where feelings could be misinterepreted, no calls or texts with an anguished voice or tone. Just the end!

[ChooseTruth]

The first time my ex cheated, the OMM sent a NC letter to her and then forwarded it to the dojo she was in. She got kicked out. I'm sure it was the OMM's BW who made him do this. I think in that case a letter was necessary to end contact because it forced her to give up the class.

 

I wish it could have worked this way for me when I was the BS dealing with crap 7 years later. But we never got to that point since she wasn't willing to quit this newer class with hew new OMM.

[Jonah]

I see that as unnecessary cruelty which could come back as negative karma but each situation is different and this situation might call for handling exactly like that. There are no graceful words to end it. I think to say something would be kinder than a prolonged uncertainty. "I can't see you anymore" would expedite the healing experience.

 

Over the past few months I've been reading both sides of the affair forums and how NC either is neccessary for rebuilding efforts or how it affected the affair partners.

 

My question is, how was no contact implemented in your case for those who are rebuilding? Did your WS send a letter, email, or phone call? Or was it just a cut off from communication cold turkey? Which method would you have preferred and which seems to work best?

 

I suppose there are pros and cons to each. From what I've read, affair partners don't seem to take the letters, emails and calls as seriously because they feel that the BS "made" the WS do it. But in the case of cold turkey end ofcommunication entirely, it seems to send a clearer message.

 

In our case, WH went cold turkey on his affair partner once Dday hit. He just dropped off the face of the Earth where she was concerned. Initially I felt like this could leave a door open to restart things later because it was not clearly stated that it was over. But after I found out that he started to ignore her subsequent texts and efforts at communication it became clear that for us this sent the message to her more directly that it was done. And although 'it sounds cold...I do feel that was the preferred way for me that he go NC with her. No letter where feelings could be misinterepreted, no calls or texts with an anguished voice or tone. Just the end!

[HopingAgain]

The first time my ex cheated, the OMM sent a NC letter to her and then forwarded it to the dojo she was in. She got kicked out. I'm sure it was the OMM's BW who made him do this. I think in that case a letter was necessary to end contact because it forced her to give up the class.

 

I wish it could have worked this way for me when I was the BS dealing with crap 7 years later. But we never got to that point since she wasn't willing to quit this newer class with hew new OMM.

 

In cases where WS/OP are coworkers or share a hobby it definitely makes sense to formally end it especially when bringing the affair to the attention of peers can help end it.

 

Its really hard to understand how a WS can say they want to reconcile with their spouse and yet refuse to go NC. At some point you'd think they'd realize they cannot cakeeat forever!

[HopingAgain]

I see that as unnecessary cruelty which could come back as negative karma but each situation is different and this situation might call for handling exactly like that. There are no graceful words to end it. I think to say something would be kinder than a prolonged uncertainty. "I can't see you anymore" would expedite the healing experience.

 

I guess the saying sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind comes to mind here. Its hard for me to grasp that his AP had the "right" to be let down gently in this scenario. She seemed fully aware of the rules when she started to play the game. So I don't feel my H was cruel to cut her off considering neither of them should have started anything in the first place KWIM?

 

As it is, I think she was a thrill of the chase type who would have just been emboldened if my H had had a formal NC convo with her after Dday. I think he probably handled it in the way he thought would be most effective.

[Journee]

Chick in my situation wanted to be the victim even though I was six months pregnant and alone. She wanted us to bond over this as if we were somehow equals in my H's life. She knew he existed for 8 weeks....I had loved him a decade. Yep, we were equals. They both were/ are liars. So, really. ... they are the equals. She bragged about the content of their texts but informed me she had already deleted everything including his contact info. Oddly enough in an effort to unite us as both being duped she sent me husband the following message "I hope your wife finds someone to treat get like the queen she is. You used me!"

 

lol She then showed it to me. Complete with his name and number saved as a contact..... she must had forgotten she told me she deleted everything. Oh, yes he used her. She was sexing three other men while she was seeing my H. They used each other. No two people deserved to be played by the other than these two. She was having sex and accidentally answered the phone when I called. I initially thought it was my H and her. I physically became ill.

 

The text she sent about my being royalty was the last communication they had over a year ago. As far as I know. This wasn't some love connection or long term thing. I still feel they deserve one another. A cheat for a cheat. Just as I believe more and more all AP's deserve one another.

 

 

She and I have mutual friend's on social media so I was lucky enough so gaze upon her face again recently in my "people you may know" section. So I guess I started all over again with the pain.

 

I need a lobotomy.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband called her the minute I hung up after telling him I found his secret email and knew about his affair. He told her it was over, that I knew , and never call him again. We then blocked her from calling, closed the IM, and closed the email account. She has still tried to contact him so his number was changed. NC to me means closing all means of communication between them. It stops right then.

Edited September 20, 2013 by whatatangledweb

[dichotomy]

In our case, WH went cold turkey on his affair partner once Dday hit. He just dropped off the face of the Earth where she was concerned. Initially I felt like this could leave a door open to restart things later because it was not clearly stated that it was over. But after I found out that he started to ignore her subsequent texts and efforts at communication it became clear that for us this sent the message to her more directly that it was done. And although 'it sounds cold...I do feel that was the preferred way for me that he go NC with her. No letter where feelings could be misinterepreted, no calls or texts with an anguished voice or tone. Just the end!

 

 

My WW went NC at my demand (ultimatum). Basically she just went cold turkey, like your WH... she stopped responding.

 

Sometimes, I wish that she would have sent some sort of "I am ashamed I was ever with a scum bag like you - I have the man of my dreams, never contact me again!".... but she could not, because she was not healthy enough to be there back then - AND - because OM was the type of scum to relish a challenge and question her new perspectives.

 

For a while OM tried every now and then to reach out, even using a related friend who was in on it, but further blocking and ignoring finally ended his attemps.

 

Still I sometimes wish my honor was reclaimed, that she took him down a peg and elevated me with him and the friend. But silence and igoring someone is all they need to know about their value to her.

 

P.S.

 

Also I hate to say this - but because of the way NC happened- I still check every now and then to make sure there have been no attempts.

Edited September 20, 2013 by dichotomy

[HopingAgain]

Chick in my situation wanted to be the victim even though I was six months pregnant and alone. She wanted us to bond over this as if we were somehow equals in my H's life. She knew he existed for 8 weeks....I had loved him a decade. Yep, we were equals. They both were/ are liars. So, really. ... they are the equals. She bragged about the content of their texts but informed me she had already deleted everything including his contact info. Oddly enough in an effort to unite us as both being duped she sent me husband the following message "I hope your wife finds someone to treat get like the queen she is. You used me!"

 

lol She then showed it to me. Complete with his name and number saved as a contact..... she must had forgotten she told me she deleted everything. Oh, yes he used her. She was sexing three other men while she was seeing my H. They used each other. No two people deserved to be played by the other than these two. She was having sex and accidentally answered the phone when I called. I initially thought it was my H and her. I physically became ill.

 

The text she sent about my being royalty was the last communication they had over a year ago. As far as I know. This wasn't some love connection or long term thing. I still feel they deserve one another. A cheat for a cheat. Just as I believe more and more all AP's deserve one another.

 

 

She and I have mutual friend's on social media so I was lucky enough so gaze upon her face again recently in my "people you may know" section. So I guess I started all over again with the pain.

 

I need a lobotomy.

 

Ugh, Journee. That is definitely some twisted thinking on the part of the ex AP in your scenario! For her to try to relate to you in that way instead of just being humble and apologizing for her role in the affair is mind boggling. I so know what you mean about feeling that people who cheat sometimes deserve one another. Inflict that pain on someone who deserves it, not someone who is being faithful and honest, ya know? I don't like thinking that way because it seems kind of vindictive for me but it is such a painful experience to go through this that the anger sometimes just seeps in.

 

Do yourself a favor though, Journee and YOU go No contact with the exOW in your case, too. I have no doubt that seeing her face pop up unexpectedly causes you pain and just sets you back! ((hugs))!

[HopingAgain]

My husband called her the minute I hung up after telling him I found his secret email and knew about his affair. He told her it was over, that I knew , and never call him again. We then blocked her from calling, closed the IM, and closed the email account. She has still tried to contact him so his number was changed. NC to me means closing all means of communication between them. It stops right then.

 

I agree. Ideally NC is to enforce the message that it's done, with no halting or hesitation!

[katielee]

My husband did phone calls in front of me.

He had a slip and called one of the OW back when she called him to tell him I was looking at her LinkedIn page. Thing is, he never told me and I found out on the phone bill. I almost filed for divorced over this.

 

make sure he knows that NC is NC and what you plan on doing if it happens. And then do it.

[HopingAgain]

My WW went NC at my demand (ultimatum). Basically she just went cold turkey, like your WH... she stopped responding.

 

Sometimes, I wish that she would have sent some sort of "I am ashamed I was ever with a scum bag like you - I have the man of my dreams, never contact me again!".... but she could not, because she was not healthy enough to be there back then - AND - because OM was the type of scum to relish a challenge and question her new perspectives.

 

For a while OM tried every now and then to reach out, even using a related friend who was in on it, but further blocking and ignoring finally ended his attemps.

 

Still I sometimes wish my honor was reclaimed, that she took him down a peg and elevated me with him and the friend. But silence and igoring someone is all they need to know about their value to her.

 

P.S.

 

Also I hate to say this - but because of the way NC happened- I still check every now and then to make sure there have been no attempts.

 

Oh my goodness, I totally understand where you are coming from here, Dichotomy. When contact ends so abrupbtly with no further communication between them, sometimes it is easy to imagine scenarios where the WS CLEARLY tells them that it's over, I never loved you, I choose my husband/wife! I have fantasized about how that would play out in my head at times. But ultimately I know that the way it went down sends a clearer message than anything else! And I also know what you mean about the occasional checking up. I think it probably takes a very long time before the urge for that goes away. That's one of the drawbacks when the cutoff from communication is so abrupt, you sometimes wonder if the AP is trying to get back in touch or if your WS ever decides to try to get back in touch with them for "closure."

[HopingAgain]

My husband did phone calls in front of me.

He had a slip and called one of the OW back when she called him to tell him I was looking at her LinkedIn page. Thing is, he never told me and I found out on the phone bill. I almost filed for divorced over this.

 

make sure he knows that NC is NC and what you plan on doing if it happens. And then do it.

 

Wow, yes breaking NC and then not saying anything about it is a double no no in my book. My WH already knows if he breaks NC for any reason he is hitting the road with no more chances. I periodically check to see if there has been any type of attempts and so far so good.

[ladydesigner]

My WH told MOW NC on 3 different occasions all contact had been broken by either him or her. In our case NC meant nothing to my WH and nothing to MOW.

[HopingAgain]

My WH told MOW NC on 3 different occasions all contact had been broken by either him or her. In our case NC meant nothing to my WH and nothing to MOW.

 

How did you decide to handle his disregard for NC?

 

This is why I feel that the communicating of NC seems so ineffective at times. There is too much potential for waffling back and forth to have the last word, etc.

[Spotme]

At first I told him to not even call her, then I realized she'd just approach him at work, so he made a super brief phone call that went something like "hello?" "Hi, I am calling to tell you that I am going to try to save my marriage. Please do not call, text, email or talk to me unless it is directly work-related." Pause "ok." "Ok, goodbye." I was actually shocked at how brief it was. It wasn't the end, though, of course.

 

He happened to be leaving on an extended work trip right after DDay. I told him - she's going to contact you while you are away. He didn't think so. A week later she sent an email to his work email, which she knew I did not have access to, but which was very risky for both of them professionally, given how their emails are monitored. He called and read it it me. She explained her misery at length and basically pleaded for him to explain himself. By this point I was we'll aware that he felt he needed a closure conversation to apologize basically for abandoning her (big KISA back story here) and trying to leave things such that he wasn't the bad guy (good luck with that). Typical foggy affair head stuff. So I told him he could write an email for my review. He needed time he didn't really have to do that, so we agreed he would respond that he would answer her questions but needed time to compose something. He indicated that the communication was being made with my agreement and participation and cc'd me. He then tried to write something but got all bogged down and still hadn't finished it when he had returned and would be seeing her at work. So I told him to call her, that I would be in the next room, listening but giving him some semblance of privacy to avoid him being too upset to say what he needed to. So he told her he loved her, but realized that he still loved me, that the affair had been making him miserable, and that his path to making himself happy again was with me. It was certainly not the ideal declaration I might have demanded had I done any reading on LS at that point, but it did the trick. She only reached out to him one more time some weeks later and he did not respond.

 

I read the draft as far as he had gotten on the email and am glad he didn't send it.

[ladydesigner]

How did you decide to handle his disregard for NC?

 

This is why I feel that the communicating of NC seems so ineffective at times. There is too much potential for waffling back and forth to have the last word, etc.

 

Our final DDay I left, checked myself into inpatient for a week and then scheduled an appointment with a lawyer. I was full speed ahead with D. At that point I knew NC meant nothing. My WH ihas since been working towards saving this M. I basically gave up but am slowly seeing progress. I have verified NC for 10 months now. I am still undecided about my M though and I do not trust him.

[Journee]

Ugh, Journee. That is definitely some twisted thinking on the part of the ex AP in your scenario! For her to try to relate to you in that way instead of just being humble and apologizing for her role in the affair is mind boggling. I so know what you mean about feeling that people who cheat sometimes deserve one another. Inflict that pain on someone who deserves it, not someone who is being faithful and honest, ya know? I don't like thinking that way because it seems kind of vindictive for me but it is such a painful experience to go through this that the anger sometimes just seeps in.

 

Do yourself a favor though, Journee and YOU go No contact with the exOW in your case, too. I have no doubt that seeing her face pop up unexpectedly causes you pain and just sets you back! ((hugs))!

 

 

 

Sometimes I read my posts and wonder who that person is. I am just so sick of the drama it makes me sick. I feel they deserve one another because it's so ridiculous to waste a person's life simply because one is a coward. I have to really watch what I post on the other board because I have become so annoyed with it all. Just flipping be together already. Waste each other's time or go on to be better people together. It makes me the most upset seeing people carry on for years. It's disgusting.

 

I think mental NC is impossible when coming to this site because it reignites the fiery ick I feel. I'm in awe of the stuff I read here and the arrogance of it all. I don't buy that AP's are insecure...I sure can't tell. The bragging and jabs taken at an unknowing BS speaks volumes to the participants character.

 

At this point I don't even check things anymore. There is nothing that I can do to prevent him from cheating. Absolutely nothing. I have two very small people that need me to be sane. I was losing my mind checking and checking.

 

 

You are very kind HA. I hope I didn't change the tone of your thread. I'm just so angry and I haven't anywhere to direct it.

[Journee]

cruel:( inhuman unsustainable

 

Cruel to whom?

[road]

In cases where WS/OP are coworkers or share a hobby it definitely makes sense to formally end it especially when bringing the affair to the attention of peers can help end it.

 

Its really hard to understand how a WS can say they want to reconcile with their spouse and yet refuse to go NC. At some point you'd think they'd realize they cannot cakeeat forever!

 

 

More sense?

 

The WS and the AP can no longer work together. So on of the has to leave their job.

 

If the WS and the AP shared an activity the WS has to join a new club, go to new location, do whatever is needed so there is NC.

[Journee]

you really cannot be that sure. you just don't understand where there's a will...... i personally wouldn't be gatekeeper

 

 

Yes! This!

 

I cannot do it anymore. It will kill me. The only thing keeping me sane through all of this are my little one's. The youngest is learning to walk. How crazy would I be to distract from that with incessant need to know what he is up to. He is a would tell me it's midnight when the sun is clearly risen.

[road]

I guess the saying sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind comes to mind here. Its hard for me to grasp that his AP had the "right" to be let down gently in this scenario. She seemed fully aware of the rules when she started to play the game. So I don't feel my H was cruel to cut her off considering neither of them should have started anything in the first place KWIM?

 

As it is, I think she was a thrill of the chase type who would have just been emboldened if my H had had a formal NC convo with her after Dday. I think he probably handled it in the way he thought would be most effective.

 

 

There is no need to be cruel. No need to be kind. The NC letter is written as a straight to the point business letter. Where the WS states it was wrong for them to have an affair. That the WS regrets the pain they inflicted on their BS. That the affair is over and NC is forever. The WS will be spending their time now repairing the damage he/her did to his/her marriage. This is good bye.

[Journee]

Made under duress' date=' not sustainable, cruel. Can you ever contemplate a WS doing that to his BS, ''sorry the marriage is over, not contacting you again''.... NO.[/quote']

 

 

 

Wanna know something sad? I wish he would do that instead of cheating on me then telling me he loves me and wants me. It's so confusing. Because despite his hurting me so I love him with my whole heart.... but am so angry I'm changing at my core.

 

This is all nuts isn't it?....

[HopingAgain]

cruel:( inhuman unsustainable

 

I am having a hard time seeing how a willing AP deserves to be let down easy or in a way that's anything but clear and direct. Its like pulling off a bandaid..its ideal to just ripv it off not slowly tug at it.

[road]

cruel:( inhuman unsustainable

 

No a marriage if for two not three. To bad if the AP's tire goes flat from playing the third wheel.