Confidence isnt some genetic trait its nurtured through a series of life experiences

[PJKino]

At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.

 

Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.

 

So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ***king mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, guy with no confidence stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?

 

So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ***king the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.

[Philosoraptor]

Self confidence comes from yourself, life experiences will not deter one who is confident in who they are as a person.

 

External approvals or rejections have zero effect on someone who is truly confident in who they are. Someone who builds their confidence on the reaction of others, or bases what they want on what society says they should want, is not truly confident in who they are.

[PJKino]

Self confidence comes from yourself, life experiences will not deter one who is confident in who they are as a person.

 

External approvals or rejections have zero effect on someone who is truly confident in who they are. Someone who builds their confidence on the reaction of others, or bases what they want on what society says they should want, is not truly confident in who they are.

 

Were all social animals anyone who says they never need valdiation from anyone and can be rejected their whole lives yet still blindly confident is full of it but the truth is people who usually say that cliche garbage usually has had some sucess and doesnt know what its like to never be accepted

[Philosoraptor]

I disagree. I was bullied for years growing up for all sorts of reasons. My life changed when I decided that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought. As long as I was happy with me that's really all that mattered. If I got shot down in any way, whether it be socially, romantically, work, etc., it just became "their loss" and I went about my life.

 

I fill my life with open minded people who don't allow themselves to be caught in this "herd" mentality.

 

You're basing your confidence on validation of others, I base mine on internal happiness.

[hppr]

While you are kinda right you are kinda wrong as well.

 

I was one of those ugly dudes, literally a 1/10 according to most women, then I went to the gym, bought new clothes, and now those same girls are either hitting on me or hating on my girlfriend because they are jealous.

 

A lot of it comes down to physical attraction which is completely under your control. Everyone can diet or work out. Everyone can put a few new outfits and a bottle of perfume or cologne on a credit card. And everyone can 'take a chance' with the opposite sex. The question is are you willing to try and change that or not.

 

Another thing is to learn how to fail. Plain truth is you can't 'win em all' but you have to try to find out. It sucks but once you realize this and are okay with being rejected, shot down, passed over for a job, whatever, life becomes easier and you'll be happier.

[lionoftheforum]

Actually, its both. nature versus nurture and all...

[MrCastle]

There are different ways to gain confidence. You can build it, you can be born with it, you can have experiences that shaped it.

 

I guess mine came from a mix of the three.

 

The way I see it, I'm not here to influence or sway peoples' opinions of me. I'm not here to sell them on me.

 

You either think I'm awesome or we don't have to talk.

 

If someone isn't into me, that's their loss.

[Shepp]

The problem with that theory is being confident doesn't just mean being confident with the opposite sex!

Like I've always been a fairly confident guy or at least self assured way before girls were on my radar.

 

I think confidence can be built by experience thou - like being good on the football pitch makes you more confident there, and your looks don't earn you any favours there.

 

But I also think its in you. Its in you to look positively at the world and yourself - if you think the outcome of an event will be positive you'll be more confident, than if you have a negative outlook.

Plus like be it going up to girls, stepping out on the football pitch or taking a gnarly down hill section on a bike - I probably come across confident - but im scared, but I guess I've always, since I can remember, liked that feeling - that churning in your stomach, heart pumping fast - i guess its an adrenaline kick. I think your either born liking that or your not.

[crederer]

I gotta agree with raptor.

 

When I was younger, in high school and such, I was pretty popular and had a lot of friends, but I found myself thinking anytime I saw someone looking at me or laughing that they were making fun or talking smack about me, and I felt all self concious about it.

 

Now if I see someone looking at me or laughing I assume that they're saying positive things/interested, etc.

 

I don't really know what caused the change, it was a gradual thing.

 

I guess at the end of the day I'm more comfortable with who I am now than what I was back then.

[SJC2008]

Birth defects/mental illness aside, people are born confident. Have you ever made eye contact with a young kid? Try it one day and chances are he/she will surprise you and hold eye contact a lot longer than you expected.

 

Confidence/self esteem in the long run comes from a variety of factors like familiy environment, social acceptance and IMO most importantly, life experiences.

 

When I was a kid I was a fearless bad ass and didn't even want training wheels on my bike. I kept falling, jumping off and getting back on. My dad had to take it to get fixed becase when the pedal kept hitting the ground in ruined the bearings inside.

 

Over the years after some bad life experiences that myself and family went through, a verbally abusive father, cold unaffectionate mother and some social teasing I started to develop social anxiety. Take a wild guess what my self esteem level and confidence is.

[PJKino]

I gotta agree with raptor.

 

When I was younger, in high school and such, I was pretty popular and had a lot of friends, but I found myself thinking anytime I saw someone looking at me or laughing that they were making fun or talking smack about me, and I felt all self concious about it.

 

Now if I see someone looking at me or laughing I assume that they're saying positive things/interested, etc.

 

I don't really know what caused the change, it was a gradual thing.

 

I guess at the end of the day I'm more comfortable with who I am now than what I was back then.

 

Yeah i get that problem sometimes when i walk by a group of people and thye laugh i get paranoid that its about me..i think it comes from getting picked on in high school it made me unconfident and feel like i was weird..

[runningfar]

At the end of the day, we all wanna be with someone who is attractive to us physically/sexually. I guarantee you nearly every man alive with "confidence" toward the opposite sex developed that confidence when he was young and realized the girls at school or in the neighborhood were drawn to him. I also guarantee you nearly every man alive labeled "lame" or who lacks "confidence" is that way because at one point, he was doing the same things as his better looking friends and coming up EMPTY HANDED, causing a lack of confidence. Not because he did something wrong, just cuz the girls wanted the cute one, not the ugly one. And nobody wants to think maybe it's cuz they're just ugly cuz that would mean it's completely beyond their control.

 

Confidence isn't some genetic trait. It is nurtured through a series of life experiences, successes and failures. If you have it, you've succeeded. If you don't, you've failed a lot, or focus a lot on your failures.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm going to go ahead and say physical appearance/looks are at the root of most of these situations - either directly or indirectly.

 

So what are we left with? An entire generation of people who, due to the multitude of perceived "options" thru social media, dating sites, etc. constantly think they can do BETTER than what they've had. The "bitter single black woman who overlooks all the good men" stereotype is probably a woman who isn't fine enough to get the attention of the man she really wants, or if she is, is too ***king mean or crazy to keep that attention. The "lame, soft, guy with no confidence stereotype is probably an ugly duckling who's been rejected more often than not and has already been taught his station in life, so his lack of confidence toward the opposite sex was gained honestly, not because he's a lame inherently, but because the world has taught him he is lame. How else are you supposed to respond when you do the same shyt as the guy next to you, and maybe are smarter, funnier, wittier, etc. but he gets all the p*ssy and you get none? You're taught you don't deserve it so why keep putting yourself thru the same pain over and over?

 

So really the question remains - if you're one of those women whose p*ssy just can't get wet for anything less than Shemar Moore, you don't have a lot of recourse cuz the men you want are ***king the finest society has to offer, cuz they get to choose. If you're one of those men who is a 5 who wants a 9/10, you're clearly trying to outkick your coverage. So what is someone who isn't physically attractive enough to get who they want supposed to do? And don't say "dress better" "work out" cuz for many, that may HELP but not FIX anything. Ugly is ugly. Or average is average. What are these people supposed to do? Either be with someone who doesn't the juices flowing, or go on the internet and bytch that they can't have who they really want. There's really no winning here.

 

People are weird. I can't believe these are really issues.

 

So I'm going to ignore the post except for the social reinforcement comment. I will say my friend who is obese and does very, very well with women because he's funny and confident... was good looking and very popular as a child/teenager and a stellar athlete. No way we would have been friends back then. So there may be a little something - not taken to the extremes you do- but a little something, in your post. It might not matter how they look currently, but yes, our experiences shape who we are - including self confidence. I guess I'm lucky I'm a woman and not a guy because my confidence means less.

[Treasa]

Self confidence comes from yourself, life experiences will not deter one who is confident in who they are as a person.

 

External approvals or rejections have zero effect on someone who is truly confident in who they are. Someone who builds their confidence on the reaction of others, or bases what they want on what society says they should want, is not truly confident in who they are.

 

Thank you for saving me some typing. My head hurts today.

[Treasa]

I gotta agree with raptor.

 

When I was younger, in high school and such, I was pretty popular and had a lot of friends, but I found myself thinking anytime I saw someone looking at me or laughing that they were making fun or talking smack about me, and I felt all self concious about it.

 

Now if I see someone looking at me or laughing I assume that they're saying positive things/interested, etc.

 

I don't really know what caused the change, it was a gradual thing.

 

I guess at the end of the day I'm more comfortable with who I am now than what I was back then.

 

Excellent comment.

 

For me, I had to start adjusting that initial thought I would have after some "event" would happen. I had to catch the negative thought and stomp it into the ground and replace it with something neutral or positive.

[irc333]

But there are people who work out that may be considered ugly, too, right?

 

While you are kinda right you are kinda wrong as well.

 

I was one of those ugly dudes, literally a 1/10 according to most women, then I went to the gym, bought new clothes, and now those same girls are either hitting on me or hating on my girlfriend because they are jealous.

 

A lot of it comes down to physical attraction which is completely under your control. Everyone can diet or work out. Everyone can put a few new outfits and a bottle of perfume or cologne on a credit card. And everyone can 'take a chance' with the opposite sex. The question is are you willing to try and change that or not.

 

Another thing is to learn how to fail. Plain truth is you can't 'win em all' but you have to try to find out. It sucks but once you realize this and are okay with being rejected, shot down, passed over for a job, whatever, life becomes easier and you'll be happier.

[MalachiX]

I disagree. I was bullied for years growing up for all sorts of reasons. My life changed when I decided that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought. As long as I was happy with me that's really all that mattered. If I got shot down in any way, whether it be socially, romantically, work, etc., it just became "their loss" and I went about my life.

 

I fill my life with open minded people who don't allow themselves to be caught in this "herd" mentality.

 

You're basing your confidence on validation of others, I base mine on internal happiness.

 

I think comments like this (and many others on the threat) are well meaning but not true for everyone.

 

I think the OP is being more than a little cynical (which isn't good) but I also have a great deal of empathy for what he says and think there is some truth in it.

 

So often, we tell people to change their perceptions of things and think more posatively in to find greater confidence and success. I think we fail to realize how amazingly hard (perhaps impossible that is for some people).

 

Human beings often react by conditioning. If you spend the formative part of your life being told you're ugly, worthless, ect; you end up building a set of responses that's amazingly hard to break. Constant negative reinforcement can actually change the chemical nature of your brain in a way that's detrimental.

 

In one of Malcom Gladwell's articles, he traces several people with genius level IQs and how succsessful they were in their respective fields. One thing he found was that those who came from wealth families had a FAR greater confidence when talking to authority figures and people in power because they had been trained to be. They learned from a young age that they had the right to demand more and this translated into confidence which lead to great success.

 

I'm not saying that all is hopeless. I'm just saying that sometimes our mind-over matter philosophy for this stuff ends up making people feel worse about themselves. They hear that they're just supposed to fight bad thoughts and force themselves to feel positive and, when they can't do that, they feel like failures.

 

I think it would be great for people like the OP to be less cynical but also to awknowladge that they've been dealt a raw deal and they are fighting with a disadvantage. If they have more trouble than others with confidence, there's probably a good reason for it.

 

And no two people react to bullying in the same way. I got the crap beaten out of me, was harrassed constantly, and even got a death threat every once in a while. To this day, it's VERY hard for me to trust people and form friendships. I try to fight against it, I've made huge strides, but it's still a battle because of the years of negative programming. I know that there are people who have managed to overcome it far easier than I have. I also know that there are people (sometimes friends of mine); who haven't done as well; people who (out of fear and lack of confidence) have never been in a relationship well into their 20s and still suffer from social anxiety.

 

We're all different and the best thing we can do is have empathy for one another. It took me a long time to realize that will power and positive thinking is only half the battle. Now that i realize that, I feel a lot better about myself because everything isn't 100% on my shoulders. I can keep trying to improve but, if I have setbacks, it's not because I wasn't trying hard enough or was weak.