Honesty is the only way

[Soon2bsngl]

Way to go Joyce! I wish my H would have been honest with me from the start instead I had to hear it from the OW which was hell. She didn't just tell me she was sleeping with my H she tortured me and followed me places. Anyway, you should be proud of yourself I bet drumming up the courage to tell your H the truth was harder then anything you lied about. How are things now at home now?

[Joyce]

Thanks,

 

We still have our ups and downs. Although, we are a lot closure than we ever have been. I think my husband is in denial. He refuses counseling. I am going to start going by myself.

[sylviaguardian]

A question for you Joyce...You sound like a really nice person. What led you to have an affair in the first place and when you were in it did you feel guilty? Did you ever think about how your husband would feel when he found out?

 

You don't have to answer of course, I am just curious and it would help me to get my head around some things that have been bugging me.

 

Sylvia

[Joyce]

Well to be honest I was lonely. When I got married I became an instant mom of two (their mom was not in the pic at all). Then my husband became a cop even though I told him how concerned I was with him working crazy hours and never being home. I was resentful for him for not caring about my feelings and I felt like he married me to just take care of the kids.

 

The OM is my neighbor who started to IM me. We became friends and things went on from there. I felt extremely guilty in the beginning. The OM had this little speech he would give me about how I deserved better, how he would take care of me and always be there to support me. I don't want to point any blame because it's no ones fault but my own but that is what made me feel less guilt.

 

Over time I became very dependent of my OM. I slowly pushed my husband further and further away. I couldn't stand his touch or anything to do with him. I wanted to separate but we didn't know how to handle the kid situation so he moved into a separate room in the house. We lived this way for over a year.

 

Then after the OM left me the way he did. I was devastated. I know it doesn't make sense but I was. I kept my affair a secret for a few months. I took time to figure out if I wanted to be married or not. I had been living a fantasy life for so long that I was so confused on what reality was. Reality slowly came back and I realized that I had risked loosing my entire family for someone that threw me away like I was a piece of trash. I knew I had to tell my husband what I had done and give him the choice if he wanted to still be married. It was not my choice. He had the right to know what I had done. When I told my H I thought it would be over. After he told me he still loved me even though I had hurt him on so many levels I realized how lucky I really was. I have so much admiration for him now.

 

I still beat myself up for this every day... I don't know if I will ever really like myself again but I do feel a little better knowing that I am trying to become a better person. It feels good so good to be honest with myself and everyone around me again. It's so nice to not have to justify my actions. I can be me and I can enjoy living one life again.

[sylviaguardian]

thanks for sharing that Joyce. it has helped a bit. My goodness, that is hard taking on two kids when your H is not at home. All credit to you, especially for referring to them as your family. Shows what you are made of.

 

Joyce, there are some people on the site who I believe are liars. You are not one of them - you have taken the hard route to try to keep some integrity. That takes guts and strength of character. I admire you for that.

 

None of us are perfect I suppose. But admitting imperfections is the key to integrity I think.

 

Hugs,

Sylvia

[Joyce]

Thank you Sylvia,

 

The kids they are my family and my life. I could not imagine life without them. In fact their mom is trying to come back into their lives (that's a whole other situation it's posted on another post of mine) but it's devastating me.

 

Trust me I wish this was lie or a dream. Even though life seems so hard sometimes I really do appreciate my life and yes even my mistakes. I am far from perfect and I am lucky I can learn from them. I still have a lot left to learn. At the ripe age of 26 I feel like I have put myself in quit a few predicaments but I guess trial and error is a way of life. Some are just more extreme than others. I truly believe everything happens for a reason.

 

Whether people lie on here or not LS has helped me tremendously. In fact people on here helped me gain the courage to tell my husband.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Hypothetically, if I were to tell my husband, how would I do it? How COULD I do it right before Christmas? I'm away in a competition this weekend, and I'm going out of town next week until the 21st. Then I have an exam the week after Xmas. Plus I work full time. Then I have two more competitions in January (weekends) and then I move. Then I'm gone for another week to another competition and if we win then Feb doesn't look much better for me being around. Not to mention all the kids activities that are going on. That is my life. I'm no different from the typical hard-working husband who is always out of town and he is the stay-at-home mom, only he also works full time.

 

I know him better than anyone however, and I know that it would not be good for anyone if I tell him before Christmas. I can tell him afterwards, before we tell the kids anything and I know he won't be surprised. He will be pissed because I lied to him. I don't even know why he believed me. I think it's because he wants to save his own ass and not have me tell my family about his online porn affairs.

 

I do not have any std's by the way.

[Owl]

Just my opinion MWC...

 

There is never going to be a good time to tell him. I can garauntee that anytime there will be something going on, or coming up, or just happened that will make it seem like its the wrong time.

 

That means you just need to do it. Don't look for a good time, or a better place, or whatever. Just do it. Otherwise, its just too easy to put it off forever. I'm NOT making a judgment about you here...I'm just noting that this is one of those things that no one wants to do, and will always want to find another time/place/way to do it. Look at your post...you've already found reasons (excuses?) for putting it off for three months.

 

Don't come up with a bunch of altruistic reasons why you should wait to tell him, or why it would be better for him if you didn't say anything...in truth, that's so unfair to him its not funny. You aren't his mom, or his nanny. You don't need to make choices for him on what he should or shouldn't know.

 

My wife didn't tell me when her feelings started for her OM, because "he'd be crushed if he knew about us" (that's a direct quote from an IM conversation with her OM, btw). Don't make an excuse based on timelines...just do it.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Even if nothing has happened with the OM since STBX found my cell phone bill? I have been in contact with the OM, I love him very much. Even though I told STBX I would end contact until I move out. The OM is going away on vacation for three weeks after Xmas so I won't be seeing him.

 

I'm scared that if I tell STBX before I go out of town that I will come home and find all my stuff in the street. My name will have been taken off the mortgage and I'd have no place to go and surely be spending Christmas without my kids. He will also likely proceed with the separation agreement in a manner that will screw me and leave me in a bind for the next few months where my Olympic dreams will surely be compromised....something I have worked hard for many years to achieve.

 

Also I know he will tell his whole family, but this whole thing is not all my fault- we are both to blame for everything and he has no right to spread our personal business throughout his family or mine.

 

If I tell him before I go away, he will call the OM and give him a hard time...something the OM doesn't want a part of because he was willing to wait. It was me who initiated the contact as long as I kept him out of the "mess".

 

Yes, it's the best decision for me to wait so that's what I'm going to do.

[Joyce]

MWC,

 

 

If you don't want to tell him and you are fine with never telling him then why are you always defending yourself and making up excuses to us?

 

I know everyone is different but if I was comfortable with my life and the decisions I was making then I would not need to defend it to anyone no matter what their opinion was. But that's just me!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Because some days I really hate myself for being so disrespectful to my husband. I am getting counselling to deal with all this.

 

Also, sometimes posting here is just like thinking out loud.

[Owl]

Its your situation, so obviously its your call. But, I'm going to post my opinion.

 

What do you mean "nothing has happened with the OM since the STBXh found my cell phone bill"? You're still carrying on an emotional affair with him while living with your husband. That's still something friend...trust me.

 

So...you're not going to tell him from any kind of altruistic reasons...you're going to do it for yourself. At least that's semi-honest. My thought is, if you wanted to avoid these kind of repercussions, you should have waited until after you had moved out to proceed with a new relationship.

 

Sorry, and I know this is harsh, and I admit to feeling this way without all of the information, but I have to say that you're one of the few people I've just totally not been able to feel any sorrow for your situation. He's NOT to blame for you starting a relationship with someone else before your divorce is final...don't even try to convince yourself of that. That was YOUR choice. His family is going to hear about this anyway...so is your more than likely. Really inconvenient of him that he might be angry if he learned about this and messed up your Olympic dream.

Sorry...just really seems like one heck of a situation.

[Owl]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

Because some days I really hate myself for being so disrespectful to my husband. I am getting counselling to deal with all this.

 

Also, sometimes posting here is just like thinking out loud.

 

 

 

THEN DO SOMETHING RESPECTFUL FOR HIM!!!!!!!!! BE HONEST!!!

[reservoirdog1]

Also I know he will tell his whole family, but this whole thing is not all my fault- we are both to blame for everything and he has no right to spread our personal business throughout his family or mine.

 

Okay, back up... you may both be to blame for creating a marriage that couldn't work. But you are completely to blame for having cheated on him many times. He didn't have a gun to your head. Let's also bear in mind that he already has his suspicions, and it's entirely likely that he will find out the truth in time, one way or another. Bad news has legs. Just ask my TBXW.

 

Secondly, he has every right to talk about "personal business" with his family. You forfeited any right you ever had to expect him to keep that under his hat when you decided you didn't want to stay in the marriage. Spousal obligations include a responsibility to work through things with each other, rather than just throwing up your hands or hopping into bed with somebody else. If those things have already happened, then another part of those obligations is to help the hurt spouse heal by working on the marriage with them and recommitting to them.

 

Once you leave, and run off into the bed of your OM, his obligation to you as your spouse is no more. Since you're not willing to work with him to heal, he has the absolute right to seek that help from others. Who better than the people who DO love him genuinely and who DIDN'T betray him? Since you don't want to help him heal, his need to heal takes absolute and complete priority over any obligation he may have had to safeguard your reputation. Bear in mind, you're the one person in his life to have stood before others and sworn to be faithful to him, "till death do you part". And yet, ironically, you've betrayed him worse than anybody else in his life.

 

All that being said, hopefully he will at least display some compassion (more than you showed him) and not tell YOUR family the story or his suspicions too. If he does refrain from doing that, you will owe him your thanks.

 

If I tell him before I go away, he will call the OM and give him a hard time...something the OM doesn't want a part of because he was willing to wait. It was me who initiated the contact as long as I kept him out of the "mess".

 

Strike up the violins for the poor unfortunate OM. He knew what he was doing, that he was screwing somebody who was married. He may have sworn no vows with your husband, but he had an obligation as a human being not to f*ck him over. If the worst that he gets from your husband is some verbal ugliness, he'll have gotten off light, much more so than he deserves.

[250r]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

Hypothetically, if I were to tell my husband, how would I do it? How COULD I do it right before Christmas? I'm away in a competition this weekend, and I'm going out of town next week until the 21st. Then I have an exam the week after Xmas. Plus I work full time. Then I have two more competitions in January (weekends) and then I move. Then I'm gone for another week to another competition and if we win then Feb doesn't look much better for me being around. Not to mention all the kids activities that are going on. That is my life. I'm no different from the typical hard-working husband who is always out of town and he is the stay-at-home mom, only he also works full time.

 

I know him better than anyone however, and I know that it would not be good for anyone if I tell him before Christmas. I can tell him afterwards, before we tell the kids anything and I know he won't be surprised. He will be pissed because I lied to him. I don't even know why he believed me. I think it's because he wants to save his own ass and not have me tell my family about his online porn affairs.

 

I do not have any std's by the way.

 

I, I, I, I, me, me, me.....interesting how many times you use those two words. 24 times and you only used the word "we" once....

[Owl]

MWC- I've just taken the time to go through and read your posts in this forum and in the seperation forum...and I've got to say that they didn't change my overall feelings on this.

 

I don't see anything anywhere in here where you were ever HONEST with your husband. I'm not surprised your marriage is where its at. You never gave it a chance, you never worked WITH him to try to fix the problems...at least that's the definite impression you've left with all of the posts and threads.

 

I change my suggestion...don't tell him anything. Get your divorce through ASAP, and let the poor sod run screaming in the other direction. Don't wait on making the break, do it now...for him. This has to be one of the few cases I've seen where I really don't think there is anything worth fighting for here.

 

Good luck with your OM. Hope he fares better than your husband.

[DazednConfused]

MWC-

 

This is from the end of September, my response to your very first post:

 

If he found out about my affair, how can I better my chances of staying in the house with the kids and having him move out even though I probably don't deserve it?

 

Bah! You were never serious about regretting what you have done. You are not going to go to counseling and try to change. You are going to counseling so that you can say in court "Gosh, your honor, I really tried, see, I went to counseling and everything..." You'll have tears running, sniffling, and kleenex will be brought....

 

"Please, your honor, I know I have cheated, lied, and been absent, but please award me the house and kids because I have breasts and cry. My husband may be a good father, and he had no idea what I was doing, but please throw him out to the street. He deserves to not only be cheated and lied to, but he should give up his home and children. Further, please make him pay me each month so I can continue to live the way I want to."

 

 

Lady, grow up.

 

 

You then tried to put me in my place about how counseling was going to make you be a better person. I have some news. The counseling is not working for you. More than two minths later, you are still one of the most self obsessed and uncompassionnate people I have ever even heard of. As Owl said, don't wait, allow your husband to run screaming for the hills and further do him the distinct courtesy of getting out of his life for good.

 

Unlike Owl, I hope the OM doesn't fare better. I think the two of you definately deserve each other.

 

[whichwayisup]

I, I, I, I, me, me, me.....interesting how many times you use those two words. 24 times and you only used the word "we" once....

 

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by 250r

I, I, I, I, me, me, me.....interesting how many times you use those two words. 24 times and you only used the word "we" once....

 

You took a heck of a beating on this thread MWC. Remember please that it's sometimes better to slap a hand than hold it. And if nobody wanted to help you they wouldn't bother to spend the time.

 

 

Narcissism - Intense self-love. This term is derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who so loved to stare at his own reflection in the water that he fell in and drowned. In psychoanalytic theory there is a early stage in childhood development when the ego (self) feels omnipotent. Failure to deal with the frustrations of discovering that this is not so may result in neurosis later.

 

A narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-impotance, constant need for attention or praise, inability to cope with criticism or defeat, and poor relationships with other people.----AMA-Ency. of Medicine

 

 

I'm no psychiatrist, but it you see yourself in that definition at all then please consider taking this issue up with your counselor. You may need to go for more intensive psychoanalysis than a behavioral therapist can manage.

 

Narcissism is not a dirty word. It's a legitimate diagnosis of a mental condition. And it's important that if it becomes your diagnosis that you get the appropriate treatment.

 

Like Narcissus himself, these people do NOT live happily ever after. Narcissists are some of the most unhappy people in the world, even though they live their lives putting their own happiness first.

 

In the meantime, be as generous with your husband as you can manage in the dissolution of your marriage. I don't think either one of you is prepared to handle the 'fall-out' from the truth yet. Someday you will be, and when that day comes, please share the information with him, so that he can put this life-experience in the correct perspective.

[immoralist]

The grass is not greener on the other side.

 

To the contrary, sometimes it is. Hence the tragi-comedy of many an affair.

[Joyce]

To the contrary, sometimes it is. Hence the tragi-comedy of many an affair

 

I disagree. People would like to believe it is better. When if fact it's not. They do not see the person as a whole. They see only what they want to see in their fictional world.

 

I also think that a lot of people involved in affairs never really show their true colors. It's easy to portray a different image and only show the better side when you don't see the person as often as you would in a normal relationship.

[Owl]

Hey Joyce-

 

I wanna ask a question, but if its too close or too personal or none of my darn business, just say so.

 

Did you feel like you showed your "true self" to the OM during the affair? And, looking back on it, what do you think now?

 

I know my wife felt that she was really being herself, and that he "accepted her for who she was" during the affair. And she felt that she really knew and loved this guy. I was shattered that she was sharing all her feelings and worries and loves with someone else, and not with me.

 

But, when I talked with her about it afterwards, I was amazed to find out how much they DIDN'T share. Even things I thought would have been stuff that she would have HAD to know to decide to be with him...like why he'd divorced before, what his favorite music or foods were. I asked her if she'd shared any of her habits with him (no detail, just minor things that don't bother me at all, but she'd be embarassed if I shared them here)...and she admitted that she hadn't. He would have HAD to seen them when/if she met him, but she hadn't forewarned him at all.

 

Just my curiousity here...I've thought that it all IS just they wanted each other to see that was brought out. I've heard similar stories in some cases, and in others, people really do feel that they've 'truly seen the other person'.

[Joyce]

Did you feel like you showed your "true self" to the OM during the affair? And, looking back on it, what do you think now?

 

I know my wife felt that she was really being herself, and that he "accepted her for who she was" during the affair. And she felt that she really knew and loved this guy. I was shattered that she was sharing all her feelings and worries and loves with someone else, and not with me

 

For the most part I would like to believe I showed my true self. I never hid anything from the OM. I felt the same as your wife did about her OM. I thought I loved him. I was happy to have someone there that would listen to my feelings. It was what I needed at the time.

 

I don't believe the OM showed his true self and if he did I blocked the negative out. I only saw what I wanted and what I needed at the time. I held him on a pedistool. In my eyes he could do no wrong.

 

Looking back on it now I can see how wrong I was in every aspect. I had changed a lot during my affair. Even though I didn't hide anything I wasn't the same person. I took a lot more risks than I normally would have and I was a lot more emotional due to the stress.

 

I was very wrong about the OM. I now question everything he ever said and did. I don't blame him but I do think he had every intention of trying become more than friends. He knew my H was gone a lot and he knew what I wanted to hear.

 

I bet that your wife only saw what she wanted too. Having an affair is not anywhere close to having a normal relationship. You do talk about your feelings and what happened in your day but you don't go out with the person. You don't spend a lot of one on one time with them so it's not possible to know as much as you normally would about them. Plus you don't want to see anything negative about the OM. You don't want to think that you risked your marriage/family for anyone that was not as good as your H.

 

I think people have affairs because they are missing certain things they need in their marriage. The other person fills that void. So between what they still get out of their marriage and what they get from the other person in a way they are content. I think if they left to be with the other person they would have another void because they never took the time to have a complete connection.

 

I hope all of this makes sense.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If that's the description, then that's what I am. I have only had one session with the therapist and I have another one tonight. It took 2 months to finally get an appointment since the city is an hour away and she cancelled on my first appt.

 

Going back to a few months before the affair with the current OM, my husband didn't touch me for 9 months. This was over 2 years after our first separation. I thought things were wonderful for the first of those two years and then his attitude changed. After we finally talked about it working on our marriage over this past summer, I tried to make it work. I talked to other people about how to do this. I put his feelings first. We had sex three times over the next 4 months and twice I had to initiate it.

 

When he said his heart wasn't in it, why did he wait so long to tell me? We could have worked on it.

 

It would have been so easy for him just to say something or do something to show how much he loved me.

[Owl]

MWC-Did he know how you were feeling? Did you TELL HIM???

 

My wife and I had something similar going on...she was distant and withdrawn from me, for months before the affair started. I tried everything I could think of, but it was like we weren't talking the same language. It turns out that all of the things I was doing to show her how much I loved her were things that I would have taken as love...but not things that SHE took as love. Make sense?

 

Realize this too...when you have an affair, and start spending all your emotions with your OM, you're NOT spending them on your husband. In return, he gets hurt, withdraws, and stops spending them on you. You turn around in hurt, and feeling like your husband doesn't love you, invest even MORE in your OM...and it goes on and on.

 

You noted that you and your husband had drawn pretty far apart before this affair...what did you do about it? Did either of you suggest counseling? Talk about it? I want to say that I'd read in your other posts that you've had more than one affair, yes? ( I apologize if I'm mistaken...LOTS of threads here) If so, did you resolve the issues that lead to them? Talk about what's lacking in your marriage, and work to fix it??

 

A marriage is obviously a two person thing...both parties have the RESPONSIBILITY to work to fix it. I'm not sure if you're husband has done anything (he's not posted here as far as I know)...so I'm asking you. What have YOU done to fix it? Having an affair doesn't count...